Christian nice guys are abused

As I stated in life is transactional, the most important resource that all Christians have is our time. What do we do with our time is the most important thing that we do on this earth. Are we using that time for godly purposes or are we using it for naught?

Consider that if an average life is 75 years that means we only have 27,393 days on this earth. However, if you consider that most of the men that will eventually marry will marry before 40, then you only have 14609 days. Then if you look at the actual potential of when you have the availability to meet and marry a wife, for most men it will be from 20-40 years of age or 20 years which is only 73o4 days.

If you parse that down into men in the manosphere who are already in their late 20s or early 30s and previously floundering Christian nice guys, you may find that we have about 3652 days. But when you look at the time we spend on our days — 8 hours of those days we sleep, and 8 hours of the day we work and potentially more spent on commuting, food, and exercise — so you really only have about 1/4 of that time or 913 days or 2.5 years to find a wife.

My point in breaking down the numbers is definitely not to discourage, but instead to show you that you shouldn’t waste your greatest resource.

One of the biggest ways Christian nice guys get abused is for their time.

When a woman asks them to do X or Y or Z, Christian nice guys will almost inevitably say yes.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with this because helping out your brothers and sisters in Christ is indeed good, BUT you must realize that if you do you’re doing it out of charity (agape). Never expect anything back from it.

There becomes a point where you will be abused for your time. If you continually accept you should know that your help with almost always be abused because you’ll become that “guy” that all women go to for help.

There are certain circumstances in which you should NEVER accept.

  • If a woman has a husband or boyfriend who can do the task she asked you then you should never accept. Even if she says he is busy she should still not be asking you. It is the husbands duty to find someone else to help if she has a problem, and the husband should not be asking you to help his wife either. That’s what family is for, or asking the church itself. They’re almost always just going to be abusing your time as a nice guy.
  • If a woman wants to talk about emotions — especially after a break up, or an attractive guy they are talking to — they are just using you as an emotional tampon. Yes, gross. Never accept.
  • Likewise, if a woman comes to you about any issues she is having with men and working things out with him just don’t do it. She should be talking to the man in question instead — not you or her girlfriends.
  • If a woman in a ministry asks for your help, and you know you aren’t called to that ministry. Just say no.
  • A Christian woman (non family) asks you for money, housing, or any type of other big deal. If they have an issue, they should take it through the church first. Most churches have some type of thing where they can help those in need.

These are just some examples, so if you can think of any other instances where you’re being abused for your time where it’s not right for you to be there you need ot step out.

It’s important not to allow your time, money, or other resources to be abused by women who are looking for help in places where they should not be asking for it.

You should have your own mission from God that you need to put your time, money, and resources into instead. You are not a helpmeet to some other Christian woman, especially a Christian woman to whom you are not married.

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43 Responses to Christian nice guys are abused

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  3. deti says:

    This is excellent — exactly the kind of nuts and bolts practical advice Christian men need to practice Godly masculinity.

  4. @ deti

    Thanks. Let me know if you find something particularly questionable in future posts because I know you have a good eye for churchianity.

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  7. Aquinas Dad says:

    A big part of my lectures on pre-marital behavior is just this.
    Emotional support and care are effects of marriage – it is improper to engage in them outside of marriage; the role of counsel to a woman is her family or her confessor; the priest or those who he appoints are in charge of charity from the parish as a whole; etc.
    Well written

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  9. Ton says:

    Good job Deep

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  11. Ichaelma says:

    Oops, I’ve been doing point 4. The are complications which means it’s not your typical case, and my motives are (possibly misguided) altruism – I don’t expect or want anything in return from her (except maybe prayers for my wellbeing) though we were good friends with the possible expectation of something more at some point. The assistance doesn’t make a huge hole in my surplus – it’s occasional large amounts. However, in the light of this article, I’ll have to address this. She’s from a poor country (no, it’s not an internet scam, I met her in person), and, probably like a lot of the rest of the population, there are periods where she doesn’t have enough food to eat. However, others are similarly suffering, and you could legitimately ask the question why she gets special treatment. If I really wanted to help, I could find a project that supported people in need in her area, and sponsor that. And for all I know my sugar daddyism may be under-cutting an attempt from a genuine suitor to operate the Boaz method of attracting a wife

  12. @ Ichaelma

    Generally, I don’t have much problem with people helping out with something that God directed them to do with much prayer and petition.

    But yes, if you’re just doing something [because of a woman] it may be interefering with others helping out in your stead, especially if it’s something unrelated to the ministry that God has called you to.

    You only have so much time and resources to use, and if you’re not using it where God wants you too (even if it’s a good cause and still in the Chuch) then you’re being wasteful. There’s no way anyone has enough time and resources to eliminate all poverty and suffering, and that’s not what God calls us to do anyway.

  13. deti says:

    Ichaelma:

    I think you need to stop giving money to this woman.

    I noted you said that you and she are “good friends with the possible expectation of something more at some point.” The ONLY reason you should be giving this woman anything is because God led you to do so after prayer, and with no expectation of anything in return. If there is ANY other reason, you should stop.

    Now, if you’re interested in this woman, then pursue her and be above board about it (not with “intentionality” a la Boundless, though). And if she rebuffs your advances, then you know her position. If she is receptive, pursue her. If she is not, cut off all contact and don’t accept friendzone status.

    As an aside, I really wonder if men and women truly can be friends. really because men and women are sexual creatures. I think the answer is no, in general, men and women can’t be friends.

  14. @ Deti

    I was going to address men and women being friends soon. The answer is no obviously.

  15. They can only be “friends” via the spouse of one of them, merged on top of the Man having no illusions of a sexual relationship. But it’s not like a “buddy” in anyway.

  16. Ichaelma says:

    Thanks for the responses DS and Deti. In this case I’m the one who rejected her. I felt our ‘friendship’ was crossing boundaries into a relationship and, being unprepared to commit to that (opportunity cost), I severely curtailed contact. She was distressed and hurt by this, and, being too nice, I staggered what should have been a clean break up. I even had second thoughts and revisited the idea, then ceased initiating contact when I came to the conclusion that my original idea was right. She asks me for dosh occasionally, and I’ve acquiesed, mainly cos of the command to ‘do unto others as you would have them do to you’ and ‘give to those who ask of you’ in the Gospels. I hate the thought of someone I know, and sometimes their family members, going without food and healthcare when you have the power to prevent it. I’ll pray about how to respond should she ask again, and I’ll also pray that she won’t ask.

  17. @ Ichaelma

    The Bible says you are to provide for your own family (if you have one), and the Church is supposed to provide for those in need.

    You are not the Church (you’re part of the Church, but you’re not the Chuch). She should be asking the Church as a whole if she has need.

    That’s the reason why the Catholic’s have a lot of charity for medical expenses and food for those in need. Something the Protestants really need to get on the ball on.

    To be honest, I don’t mind helping out here and there. But if it’s something systemic where she keeps coming back to you then you need to refer her to the Church so it can help her. Otherwise, she’s just abusing your time and resources when she’s not your wife or family.

    Definitely pray about it though. God may say otherwise, but usually in these cases it’s the Christian men who are getting abused.

  18. Ichaelma says:

    @ DS: I love how you can tell I’m a Prot (maybe you couldn’t, but I’m gonna go with you made a guess). I never predicted my comments would give me away

  19. @ Ichaelma

    I am one as well. The Catholics really have that down much better than the Prots in regard to helping those in need, so individual men don’t have to shoulder that load (nor should they).

    Honestly, I’ve thought about converting heavily… I may end up doing it too.

  20. Ichaelma says:

    Well, I walked into a Catholic bookshop today, and they were literally praying to Mary. They were praying to Mary to pray to Jesus for them. That absolutely shocked me, even though I’ve heard it happens. Knowing my Bible, I see that this as at best unnecessary and at worst idolatorous. I read the book of Hebrews, about how Jesus is a great high priest, and about how believers have access to the presence of God by his blood, it boggles the mind why one would pray to a sleeping saint who scripture never commands us to pray to when we can pray to God himself. I’m aware that Protestantism has it’s faults, and I’m open to learning from Catholics where they’re right and we’re wrong. But the above is one example of why I wouldn’t go near converting.

  21. Ichaelma says:

    ‘I read the book of Hebrews, about how Jesus is a great high priest,’ oops, should read *the* great high priest

  22. deti says:

    Don’t get too bolloxed up about the “veneration of Mary” thing. The RC’s have a lot more right than just charity. They take very, very seriously the indissolubility of marriage and opposition to abortion — at least doctrinally they do. I know a lot of RCs don’t adhere to or observe this very well, but the doctrines are sound.

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  24. This is so good! Thank you!

  25. @ girlwithadragonflytattoo

    Don’t thank me, thank God. I appreciate the sentiment though.

  26. You’re the one who wrote it… you chose to give back to others what God’s given you (insightful wisdom). So I still thank you.

  27. @ girlwithadragonflytattoo

    Thank you then.

  28. donalgraeme says:

    @ Deep Strength

    Your presence would be most welcome in the universal Church. Frankly, we need men like you right now. The Church, at least in the West, is at a crossroads, and I’m worried about the direction we are heading. Truth be told, we haven’t really escaped feminism. Church structure has reduced its impact, but it is still there, eating away at the foundation. Official doctrines have held out, but they can’t forever unless things turn around. Fortunately, the more traditional elements in the Church are also the ones who are having the most children.

  29. @ Donal

    Thanks. It’s true that the Catholics have been much more resistant to the moral decay, but definitely aren’t exempt from it as more are seduced by the desires of the world.

    It’s something to think about for me at least.

  30. Ichaelma says:

    @ Deti: re veneration of Mary: Even it the Catholics are right on every other point, it’s still worth pointing out this error. Christian manospherians are strongly against adultery, and rightly so, and adultery is often used as a metaphor for adultery. I know there’s a difference of opinion on whether veneration of Mary is idolatory, presumably RC’s would strongly deny that it is – but if it is – it’s not a small thing. I know that they’re strong against abortion and frivorce, and I respect them for that. There are Protestants that are strongly against these things as well, e.g., John Piper, Voddie Bauchman.

  31. You know, I believe reading this post helped inspired me to write “Women Don’t Want Nice Men”… I know Christian nice guys are often taken advantage of, and the way it probably most hurts them is in romantic relationships. Thank you!

    http://girlwithadragonflytattoo.com/2014/02/25/single-women-dont-want-nice-men/

  32. @ girlwithadragonflytattoo

    Thanks. Commented on it.

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  35. Jzb says:

    I think the greater tragedy is that nice Christian men are abused by the church. I would argue that the church abuses them much more than women do. At least the evangelical church.

    Nice Christian guys are encouraged to be “nice Christian guys”, in fact they’re celebrated for it. They’re always asked to serve (because the need is always so great), and they do it because they don’t have good boundaries, think they are pleasing The Lord and are being good Christians, and don’t have any sense of direction or purpose (I.e. Another pursuit they should be spending their time pursuing).

    That was my experience – 10-15 hours a week from the ages of 17-27 spent in church or para church ministry. Oh how the lost investment hurts.

  36. @ Jzb

    Want to write about that experience so I can post it up?

  37. Jzb says:

    Sure, give me a few days to write something proper.

    Should I post it as a comment or email it to you?

  38. @ Jxb

    deeperstrength at gmail. Don’t forget the “er” on deeper as the other e-mail was taken.

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