There have been some recent discussions regarding unity around the ‘sphere initiated I believe by Donalgraeme’s Picky, Picky and Free Northerner’s Female Fornication Fallacy and then followed up on various posts such as Ballista’s keys post, something for nothing, and a few other private posts. and peripherally questioning understanding at Donal’s.
This has made for some heavy thinking on my end simply because the direction of this blog is in some ways misguided.
What I mean by that is many of the concepts that I have “branded” here as masculinity are generally Christian concepts about conquering your fears, implementing good habits, etc. while only the things in regard to learning about how men should interact with women are really specifically about masculinity in particular.
This is why I haven’t been posting as much because I want to decide how to take what I have currently and refocus it again like I did in Clarity of Purpose about a month and half ago. This may take a couple more days to figure out on my end, aside from being swamped with other work including taxes.
The emphasis on the above blog posts have been on unity as opposed to differentiation in terms of the body of Christ. Very understandable. We aren’t here to fight each other as brothers and sisters in Christ but to live in unity.
I’ve discussed before in Husbands win their wives with words and Wives will never win their husbands with words about how the preferred method of men communicating is through actions while the preferred method of women communicating is words.
When you read through the rest of the secular manosphere, there is the undercurrent of selfishness and therefore manipulation. The question becomes how can a man assert mental dominance over a woman so that she will become attracted to me. Typically, this is performed first through words in the form of teasing/flirting and then through actions in seduction.
Obviously, if you take cues from the secular manosphere it is very easy to get into the thought process of us versus them or males versus females when it was not that way from the beginning.
This is why I have been very careful in my some the more practical posts such as Leave her better than how you found her, please, and Christian nice guys are abused, about not setting such as mentality of division but rather the opposite.
However, I realize that it is very difficult for many men to differentiate wanting to be a general overall giver and how to set proper boundaries. Most men, ingrained with feminism, tend to end up being nice guys who are people pleasers and pushovers rather than being men.
It’s not so much the things that they do for others that is the problem, but it is the way in which they do it and the mentality they have because of it.
This is why my refocus must be extremely deliberate because I want to not only teach the right mindset but also the right actions surrounding particular instances. For instance, I fully realize that most everything I say on this blog is a generality and there are exceptions.
I’ll pray about it
If you’re a self professed nice guy and you don’t know how to adequately maintain boundaries I would suggest using the phrase above when others, especially women, ask you for help.
“I’ll pray about it.” Then actually pray about it over the next few days.
The goal here is not to be super spiritual, although you will inevitable helping your relationship with God by praying about it. Neither is the goal here to get other Christians off your back from requesting too much of you though it will help do that.
The goal here is to get in the habit of not acquiescing to all of the requests set before you. No one can do all of the things asked of them by anyone. It is important to use your time wisely in order to do what God wants you to do.
This is asserting a boundary here that God is important above all else to you, and inevitably you will start to believe it as you walk it out. The people may be asking about favors or request may be anyone:
- The pastor asking for a favor. Tell him you’ll pray about it.
- A husband is asking you to help him with something. Tell him you’ll pray about it.
- A deacon wants you to help out in a ministry. Tell him you’ll pray about it.
- A single woman wants you to help her move. Tell her you’ll pray about it.
- A married woman wants help with a project. Tell her you’ll pray about it.
In some of the cases above, you know that the answer will immediately be no. In fact, you can say no instead of praying about it. But it is always good to pray about it anyway, even if you know you’re going to say no or even if you’re going to say yes.
Point being that you shouldn’t be doing something for a woman because you like her or want to help her. You should be doing something because God wants you to do it. Likewise, you shouldn’t be doing something because your pastor wants you to do it. Rather, you should be serving in the church because God wants you to do it. It is important to know how God wants you to spend your time.
This requires faith and requires an ear to listen to what God wants you to do. Likewise, there is ample support in the Scriptures for praying about everything.
If you’re just learning about how to set proper boundaries or having trouble setting boundaries in your walk with Christ, this is a good start.