Apologies Part 3

This is a continuation of the series on Apologies and Apologies Part 2.

This post is mostly going to be about what NOT to apologize for and instances of what may be proper times to apologize. Most men today are too apologetic for things that are not their responsibility or don’t need to be apologized.

In fact, I would counsel men to never say the word “sorry” ever again. “Sorry” just has such a bad connotation because it is an ubiquitous word that is used by nice guys in reference to offending womens’ feelings. This is why this series is named “apologies” rather than “sorries.” Plus sorries looks like a weird word.

When not to apologize

The most often time I see nice guys apologize are in these circumstances:

  • They’re having trouble speaking properly.
  • They’re having difficulty constructing or setting things up.
  • They make a simple mistake that only causes a minor inconvenience, if at all.
  • They bump into someone or get in the way.
  • They don’t do something nice that they usually do (e.g. hold open the door).

None of these events are places in which you should apologize (and eliminate sorry from your vocabulary).

You can say “excuse me” if you bumped someone or were in the way. You can make a joke and say “it looks like I’m having trouble with pronounciations today!” You can say nothing. You can tease such as “excuse you” when it was you doing the bumping. There’s lots of things you can do without apologizing because many of these aren’t something that you should apologize about.

Obviously, these are just a few instances of when nice guys say sorry so take note when you apologize for such things and don’t do it.

Also, don’t act ashamed either. There’s nothing to be ashamed about.

When to apologize

When you actually do something to create dissension or strife in a relationship. Now, this is one of the hard things for most nice guys to learn.

Being called mean, or a jerk, or not nice, does not mean that you should apologize.

The cues men should take from women are from their actions. For example, if they’re smiling and punch you while calling you a jerk this is a good thing. If they want to be around you more, if they touch you more, if they smile more, if their interest level goes up, etc these are all signs that teasing or challenging is good.

Now, it is possible to be too harsh with teasing, and when that happens you’ll tend to see a woman start to drift away and distance herself from you.  This is your cue to turn it down. However, if you continue to do this and didn’t realize it then it can sometimes create obvious dissension and strife within a relationship. This is at a point where you may tell her that you were being too harsh with her.

As Jenny/Sis noted in the bottom of the comments of the socialization of men and women, depending on how a woman was raised in terms of family dynamics a woman may shy away from too much teasing for whatever reason. This is where it is important to look for the action cues in the opposite sex.

The point that should drive this home is that while you are not responsible for her emotions, if you want to be married or are married then you are responsible for being considerate and/or understanding.

Thus, I would only apologize to a woman when there is a clear and obvious gulf between us that was created by something I said or did to where there is obvious tension and strife. This is going to be very rare for a nice guy, so I would generally avoid apologizing if you’re a nice guy trying to become un-nice.

Therefore, keep in mind that we’re not just to be aware of ourselves and our desires but to also be aware of our relationships and to foster them so that we grow closer to each other as brothers and sisters in Christ.

Unapologetic

We were all created by God with different preferences and hobbies and interest for occupations and the like. Never be apologetic about what you like and what you don’t like. This is to be bold about what you prefer. There’s nothing wrong with this. In fact, if you lie about it then that’s a sin.

Likewise, we are to be unapologetic about our faith. Is there any reason to be ashamed of our belief in God and Jesus? Aren’t we also to stand against the world?Part of what it means to become a man is to understand and get comfortable with yourself and who you are in Christ.

When you are apologetic or ashamed about the things that you enjoy or like then you’re going to be timid, shy, and wishy-washy when confronted about it. No man or woman likes someone who is lukewarm about what they believe and what they prefer. It is better to choose what you like and what you don’t like then try to compromise.

Not satisfied with your body? Do something about it with diet and exercise. Don’t complain as it’s a sin.

Not satisfied with your hobbies? Find a new one, but don’t complain.

Don’t have a good relationship with God? Read the Scriptures, pray, meditate, fast, etc.

The things that we potentially have reason to be unsatisfied about should be motivation to implement change in our life. You are a steward of the Temple of the Holy Spirit and thus you have a responsibility to treat it as such.

Learn how to talk about your faith and beliefs in a confident manner. Learn how to talk about your preferences in a confident manner. Learn how to do things in a confident manner, even if you’re just starting to learn them.

Then you will start to understand the mindset that is required that will bring you out of Churchianity — the cult of nice.

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10 Responses to Apologies Part 3

  1. Pingback: Apologies Part 2 | Reflections on Christianity and the manosphere

  2. Padre98 says:

    A wise policy is not to apologize for being yourself, the best way to find yourself is to undergo the process of iron sharpening iron, exposing ideals and beliefs to those close to you can lead to friction.

    This can lead to pressure to apologize, which if one truly believes what one said or did is really “you” should always be resisted/

  3. Padre98 says:

    Hmm, you once felt alive, now one feels troubled, not dead mind you.

    Where is your heart DS? Is the perfunctory or what?

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  8. Anonymous says:

    I was teased a lot as a child, and it hurt me a lot. If someone teased me, I always distanced myself right away. To this day if I’m teased, then I terminate friendship with that person. If the person teasing me is a family member, I revert to duty — what is my absolute duty towards that person, but never get vulnerable to them again. This is safety. Teasing is just cruel. You have to stay safe at all costs or you’ll get hurt.

    By the way, I have to apologize for everything and then hope it is accepted. I end up saying “I’m sorry” all over the place. Is that what women are supposed to do, and men don’t? I apologize for dinner if it’s not on time or if it is cold, I apologize for one thing and the other and the other and the other. If I see my husband even just a little upset or I even perceive he is upset, I worry like crazy and try to do everything I can to make it all right again. Worries me sick. Then when he seems al right again, I can breathe — for a little while.

    I understand you’re talking about the nice folks, but I think women are expected to be “nice” and that usually means we get walked on if we are “nice” and do, do, do.

  9. Red says:

    When you bump someone, you have to decide if they were in the way, if they knew about it, if they were in error whether or not they knew about it, if they are in the wrong for being nice. Because if you let other people walk on you, you must be compliant and let them. But if they walk on you, you must ask why you are there in the first place. Why are you there to begin with physically. It may be that you took-up too much space because you’re fat and you need to go to the gym. Maybe your agility is in question. Good rule of thumb: there should never be a question mark next to agility, or you’re next to obesity. If you can’t move fast, then don’t stand in the way.

    This leads us to the next question: why are you in the way? Don’t stand in the way. You have a problem, well beat it. You have eyes on the back of your head? Well… move it! Maybe your kids are too big. Maybe height-wise or girth-wise, but it stems from the problem of indulgences. They have too many. Too many from food or from living at home with their parents? Boy or girl? Girl = too picky, living at home on the feed of their parents, or their father’s labor. Not picking a husband. Boy = too fat = mother spends too much time in the kitchen. She shirks her other duties. She is a lover of food herself.

    People run into you? Too stubborn to be moved!

  10. Red says:

    Being a jerk does not mean you should apologize. Only if you feel the Holy Spirit calling you a “jerk.” But not Anonymous, because she’s a wife. She should apologize for her husband, if she causes him to stumble. Eve gave Adam the fruit in the Garden of Eden. Then, they moved outside the Garden of Eden, which was guarded by an Angel with a sword of fire. Adam was then forced to be a farmer. Eve was then given a curse and a blessing: to love a man. They probably set-up the first farm, although they may have been hunter-gatherers. No one really knows for certain. I bet my money that there was a farm, and that Cain and Abel got their offerings from a barn and there was a bonfire.

    I don’t know if they had straw hats back then. Adam have worn a straw hat, if that was the case. He probably had a dark complexion, but his wife would have too. She would have stayed out of the sun, naturally, because she was inside the leaf hut washing the stoneware. She only went out when she had to get her fleece laundered in the river. Otherwise, Adam toiled in the sun.

    Eve caused Adam to sin.

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