A reader writes in:
My view of God is one of a “mixed blessing.” I have never intentionally disobeyed God’s word and consider myself lucky that I have sidestepped much of the potential destruction that an involvement with an American women in the USA legal system may have caused me. Yet I am deeply frustrated that I have obeyed God and yet I am still a Christian incell without any real potential for a genuine Christian wife on the horizon. It is very dangerous to marry a non-virgin and the probability that you will find one gets very small as I get older and as a women gets older. Not to mention that in America we are very anal about “age gap” relationships. On some days I oscillate between wanting nothing to do with women “Black Pill” and Happier Abroad “Red Pill” theology. In addition I don’t see any satisfactory way to legally structure yourself to protect yourself from a women trying to steal your assets in divorce court, a potential false rape, harassment charge etc.
If you go to http://www.sedm.org. This is a common law website that advocates “leaving the matrix” by disavowing your SS# and other things to not make yourself liable to file a tax return. Of course this probably does not stop the wicked IRS from usurping their authority but this site also advocates marriage without a marriage license. They have a book in the bookstore about this. I was wondering if you believe that marrying without a state marriage license is a reliable way for a man to “protect himself” from any potential legal harm from a women?
I am very depressed about the present state of my life. No matter what option I research their does not appear to be any reliable and achievable way for me to find a genuine beautiful virgin Christian women. I have tried everything except for expiating over seas and nothing works! “Gym game”, “Church game”, online dating, , “Looksmax” (plastic surgery game), Meetup.com etc., asking women out when I was in school. Nothing works in the USA.!!! Yet I am very skeptical that promoters of “Happier Abroad” dating are being completely truthful (and quite a few of them are not looking for long term relationships). I feel trapped here in the USA but I don’t feel like God is leading me in any other fruitful direction. God has never answered any of my prayers in the positive! I don’t feel like their is any positive solution about this on the horizon and get very depressed by the possibility that I will be alone my entire life.
This is a pretty heavy post. I want to offer some brief commentary.
1. First, I think the thinking the reader is getting caught up in is performance based rather than out of desire. We don’t sin or do good works because we expect that God will do things for us. We do them because we recognize the Truth of the gospel. We are sinners and we need a Savior; therefore, we repent and turn from our ways.
Ephesians 4:20 But you did not learn [o]Christ in this way, 21 if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus, 22 that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old [p]self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, 23 and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and put on the new [q]self, which [r]in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.
2. Second, we are not promised a wife if we follow Him. This is a very difficult thing approach God about. I know Donal, Chad, and I have wrestled with this in prayer with God for probably weeks and months at a time.
This is what it means to lay aside our needs and desires and take up the cross and follow Him. This is what all Christian men today need to understand. We need to be able to be at peace with not ever finding a wife. This is important because it firmly rips down the false idol of having a wife or marriage and puts Christ in His rightful place.
The full irony is that once you do this then you actually become more attractive to women because you aren’t so needy when you’re around them.
3. Third, I think that reading too many non-Christian blogs is a bad idea. Like I have commented before in my posts, if your discernment is poor you can take most of what others say as truth and internalize it rather than being grounded in the Word. I see this a lot especially regarding the topic of marriage.
In fact, a Christian man’s best use of time would be studying the Word, prayer, meditation, and fasting. I once had 70+ manosphere blogs that I used to read. I cut out most of the non-Christian ones. However, I have also since cut down on most of the Christian ones I read to a few. The first to go as a man were blogs written by Christian women. Learning about the nature of women, even Christian women, is indeed useful but non-productive as a man. It is more important to learn about being a man for if you know who you are in Christ then you are unshakeable.
4. Fourth, look for women with certain quality traits over age. Attitude is the main thing I look for now and the relationships with authority. I would rather marry a woman over 30 who has these traits in spades than a 20 year old. Which leads into…
5. Fifth, I do not think you should be looking for women at the moment. If you are going to lead a family it should not be from the point where you know absolutely what you are looking for and where you’re going.
I discuss how I structured this in my own life in My 5 step process to maturity in relationships. Before outlining all of this on paper — not just thinking about it — I do not think I was ready for a relationship. Basically, you need to have firm convictions about what you believe and what you are looking for. This will enable you to have the strength and resolve to lead. If you do not have this it’s questionable learning on the fly because you will probably make so many mistakes and not know how to deal with them. Even better if you have mentor.
6. If you have read secular manosphere stuff you probably have heard of “monk mode” which is to swear off women and work on yourself. Except in the case of Christians it would be go “God mode” and sink all of your available time into the Scriptures, prayer, meditation, and fasting. This is THE cure for depression that works well in conjunction with exercise so start lifting too.
Matthew 6:33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
It is important to understand the meaning of Jesus’s statement in the context of your life. Many of us think we know what it means, generally, and we have some idea. But it needs to be personal.
Encouragement from men who have made it past this are welcome too.