Navigating hopelessness and despair

A reader writes in:

My view of God is one of a “mixed blessing.” I have never intentionally disobeyed God’s word and consider myself lucky that I have sidestepped much of the potential destruction that an involvement with an American women in the USA legal system may have caused me. Yet I am deeply frustrated that I have obeyed God and yet I am still a Christian incell without any real potential for a genuine Christian wife on the horizon. It is very dangerous to marry a non-virgin and the probability that you will find one gets very small as I get older and as a women gets older. Not to mention that in America we are very anal about “age gap” relationships. On some days I oscillate between wanting nothing to do with women “Black Pill” and Happier Abroad “Red Pill” theology. In addition I don’t see any satisfactory way to legally structure yourself to protect yourself from a women trying to steal your assets in divorce court, a potential false rape, harassment charge etc.

If you go to http://www.sedm.org. This is a common law website that advocates “leaving the matrix” by disavowing your SS# and other things to not make yourself liable to file a tax return. Of course this probably does not stop the wicked IRS from usurping their authority but this site also advocates marriage without a marriage license. They have a book in the bookstore about this. I was wondering if you believe that marrying without a state marriage license is a reliable way for a man to “protect himself” from any potential legal harm from a women?

I am very depressed about the present state of my life. No matter what option I research their does not appear to be any reliable and achievable way for me to find a genuine beautiful virgin Christian women. I have tried everything except for expiating over seas and nothing works! “Gym game”, “Church game”, online dating, , “Looksmax” (plastic surgery game), Meetup.com etc., asking women out when I was in school. Nothing works in the USA.!!! Yet I am very skeptical that promoters of “Happier Abroad” dating are being completely truthful (and quite a few of them are not looking for long term relationships). I feel trapped here in the USA but I don’t feel like God is leading me in any other fruitful direction. God has never answered any of my prayers in the positive! I don’t feel like their is any positive solution about this on the horizon and get very depressed by the possibility that I will be alone my entire life.

This is a pretty heavy post. I want to offer some brief commentary.

1. First, I think the thinking the reader is getting caught up in is performance based rather than out of desire. We don’t sin or do good works because we expect that God will do things for us. We do them because we recognize the Truth of the gospel. We are sinners and we need a Savior; therefore, we repent and turn from our ways.

Ephesians 4:20 But you did not learn [o]Christ in this way, 21 if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus, 22 that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old [p]self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, 23 and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and put on the new [q]self, which [r]in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.

2. Second, we are not promised a wife if we follow Him. This is a very difficult thing approach God about. I know Donal, Chad, and I have wrestled with this in prayer with God for probably weeks and months at a time.

This is what it means to lay aside our needs and desires and take up the cross and follow Him. This is what all Christian men today need to understand. We need to be able to be at peace with not ever finding a wife. This is important because it firmly rips down the false idol of having a wife or marriage and puts Christ in His rightful place.

The full irony is that once you do this then you actually become more attractive to women because you aren’t so needy when you’re around them.

3. Third, I think that reading too many non-Christian blogs is a bad idea. Like I have commented before in my posts, if your discernment is poor you can take most of what others say as truth and internalize it rather than being grounded in the Word. I see this a lot especially regarding the topic of marriage.

In fact, a Christian man’s best use of time would be studying the Word, prayer, meditation, and fasting. I once had 70+ manosphere blogs that I used to read. I cut out most of the non-Christian ones. However, I have also since cut down on most of the Christian ones I read to a few. The first to go as a man were blogs written by Christian women. Learning about the nature of women, even Christian women, is indeed useful but non-productive as a man. It is more important to learn about being a man for if you know who you are in Christ then you are unshakeable.

4. Fourth, look for women with certain quality traits over age. Attitude is the main thing I look for now and the relationships with authority. I would rather marry a woman over 30 who has these traits in spades than a 20 year old. Which leads into…

5. Fifth, I do not think you should be looking for women at the moment. If you are going to lead a family it should not be from the point where you know absolutely what you are looking for and where you’re going.

I discuss how I structured this in my own life in My 5 step process to maturity in relationships. Before outlining all of this on paper — not just thinking about it — I do not think I was ready for a relationship. Basically, you need to have firm convictions about what you believe and what you are looking for. This will enable you to have the strength and resolve to lead. If you do not have this it’s questionable learning on the fly because you will probably make so many mistakes and not know how to deal with them. Even better if you have mentor.

6. If you have read secular manosphere stuff you probably have heard of “monk mode” which is to swear off women and work on yourself. Except in the case of Christians it would be go “God mode” and sink all of your available time into the Scriptures, prayer, meditation, and fasting. This is THE cure for depression that works well in conjunction with exercise so start lifting too.

Matthew 6:33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

It is important to understand the meaning of Jesus’s statement in the context of your life. Many of us think we know what it means, generally, and we have some idea. But it needs to be personal.

Encouragement from men who have made it past this are welcome too.

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15 Responses to Navigating hopelessness and despair

  1. Pingback: Navigating hopelessness and despair | Manosphere.com

  2. Pedat Ebediyah says:

    ” Except in the case of Christians it would be go “God mode” and sink all of your available time into the Scriptures, prayer, meditation, and fasting. This is THE cure for depression that works well in conjunction with exercise so start lifting too.”

    Exactamundo.

    And DS being somewhat privy to my situation…I’m setting my butt down somewhere for a season (or two) and take time to edify and encourage myself in the Lord.

    The thought of doing anything with and for anyone that is going to detract from this new season in Him, is a turnoff.

    And I get all kinds of offers and people around trying to play matchmaker.

    No thanks.

    As well I’ve gone silent online except to comment on (safe) a blog or two infrequently.

    ALL of my social media accounts have been deactivated. I have nada to impart, but an in need of impartation, so I keep my mouth shut about things I know nothing about or that haven’t been fully manifested in my life.

    I’d encourage the reader to do exactly as DS encourages. Fall back on everything except that which directly is about YOU or the Father’s business…

    I got braces today. Win.
    Tomorrow, tactical handgun instruction. Another potential win.

    Make everyday a win for YOU.

  3. feeriker says:

    In fact, a Christian man’s best use of time would be studying the Word, prayer, meditation, and fasting.

    Yes. I’ve been where this man now is, and your advice is really the ONLY way to combat what are going to be overwhelming urges to backslide and succumb to nihilism, cynicism, hatred, despair, and, arguably most dangerous of all, temptation to indulge in sexual sin.

    We all wish that the world in which we live was a different kind of place, but it is what it is. Whether or not we are entering the beginning of the End of Days (I’m heavily inclined to believe that we are), it behooves all of us to don the strongest armor of God that we can. Our battles are not going to get any easier or less bloody.

    I don’t feel like their is any positive solution about this on the horizon and get very depressed by the possibility that I will be alone my entire life.

    Brother, mark these words: the one thing worse than being alone your entire life is living with someone who is cold, distant, disrespectful, frigid, contentious, rebellious, and unloving.

    I know of which I speak here. You will be on your knees weeping and begging God to relieve you of your burden, preferring life in solitary confinement to remaining married to such a woman. The verses in Proverbs about it being preferable to live on a rooftop or in the desert than to live with a contentious woman just might be the kindest understatements of all time. I didn’t believe these truths when I was young and foolishly full of hope, and I paid dearly, for over 20 years, for my ignorance and naivete.

    Matthew 6:33: …

    This exactly. Again, it’s not easy and takes lots of time, effort, and prayer, but the rewards are well worth it.

    God’s peace unto you, brother.

  4. thedeti says:

    Prayers for you too, Feeriker.

  5. ChildofRa says:

    The chances of finding a virgin christian woman is very slim. Majority of women christian and non christians arent virgins even in high school. If a women is a virgin she is usually seen as prudish or what guys called me in high school a b*tch.

    I think maybe you guys should create your own dating site for christians like yourself. I read comments for good christian women on the peaceful wife’s blog who are single and searching for godly men.

  6. Sean says:

    I’m torn.

    As mentioned above, the odds of finding virgin, Christian women are really slim. However, you can find post-carousel ostensibly Christian women 30+ in the thousands. Is that the cross we get to bear: risk half of your current stuff and a crapton of future stuff/earnings on the hopes that you get something decent?

    However, the default setting of the Bible is marriage. The OT men were all married (IIRC…) and only Paul was single. Even Christ has/had a bride although temporally chaste and unmarried. The OT command of “go forth and multiply” is rather difficult when single.

    I’m late 30s and have only been a Believer for the past couple of years after decades in the atheism wilderness. Even during those days, the amount of women I’d even risk marrying was slim. Now, as a Believer, it’s much, much fewer. How many of us are prepared for the ever-increasing likelihood that we’re going to remain single, Godly men?

  7. Looking Glass says:

    @Sean:

    There’s no passage for “thou shalt be stupid”. Prayer and guidance from the Spirit are *always* needed. And working out what you’re going to need to do. Part of the issue is the impulse that you “have” to get married. You don’t. Obvious, if you burn hard (and God is pretty clear on what you need to do), then the answer is “Be strong and do the work”. That finding a competent wife is actually difficult isn’t original. It’s actually always been quite a problem. But if God’s directing you that way, have some Faith that God will open the doors for you to walk through.

    That’s one other little bit we need to remember: if God is leading you someplace, have the Faith to follow. You simply *cannot* know what options will present themselves after each step. Trust in the Creator of the Universe. I hear he’s pretty faithful. 🙂

  8. Pedat Ebediyah says:

    @LG..

    Fine words…very edifying.

  9. donalgraeme says:

    However, the default setting of the Bible is marriage. The OT men were all married (IIRC…) and only Paul was single.

    Some of the OT prophets were not married. Elijah and Elisha come to mind. And I think Daniel was as well. And lets not forget Samson, who would have been better off not married.

    Regarding this:

    Is that the cross we get to bear: risk half of your current stuff and a crapton of future stuff/earnings on the hopes that you get something decent?

    A better question is: would this woman be a good wife, such that she would not jeopardize but enhance my chances of getting to heaven, and would woman be a good mother who will ably help me to raise a family of saints?

    The truth is that you may not ever find a woman to whom the answer is yes. Not in this day and age. And you were never guaranteed to find one. That is essential to keep in mind.

  10. “How many of us are prepared for the ever-increasing likelihood that we’re going to remain single, Godly men?”

    Sounds better with each passing day.

    I was in the same exact boat as the author, with the notion of being an eternal bachelor putting me into a depression that was so low I had to reach up to touch rock-bottom. I asked God to either give me a “shift” in wants and desires, or to pass the cup from me altogether, because it was becoming a proverbial Wall of Jericho between He and I. He did the latter, and blessed my financial life too. I can honestly say that I don’t have anything to complain about.

    There seems to be some sort of unspoken rule that suggests that being single has to go hand-in-hand with being miserable. And it’s bull****. I also suspect that many people, including a few aquaintances, are motivated to seek a mate out of envy and the desire to make their Facebook pages look like others. God intends marriage to be forever, so it’s definitely better not to rush into it.

    On a final note, is it absolutely essential for her hymen to be intact? With the average age of married adults getting higher and higher, it’s sometimes inevitable that even the most devout Christian woman will have “stumbled” at some point. That doesn’t mean it’s right, but it’s the truth in many cases. What about a woman who accepted Christ at a late(r) age?

  11. Sean says:

    @ Chris

    Sometimes I agree with you on how great it does sound to be free of the headaches. That being said, sexual sin is… well, difficult to turn away from.

    It’s not about stoning her for a non-intact virgin but the research shows the odds of divorce and a disability to pair bond increase dramatically with each passing count. As far as coming to Christ later, I would imagine the repentance factor, age, and ability/desire to be a submissive Christian wife are huge parts to consider.

  12. dougpete says:

    I may be ranting here – but just like fishing with my Grandpa, if there where no fish in one spot we drove across the lake or down the shore to another. I can sit down and in about 60 seconds come up with at least a dozen names of single, never married, and I’ll bet you money virgins who are between 18 and 30. (Only two of whom are my daughters 🙂
    The family is the building block for a better culture and if you are a single guy out there and seeking to live faithfully it’s a buyer’s market boys.

  13. donalgraeme says:

    Yes Doug, you are ranting. Many of us have been told that exact same thing before: “Look Elsewhere! Go somewhere else and you will find a boatload of eligible young women.”

    Guess what?

    WE TRIED THAT.

    That “promised land” filled with marriageable young women does not exist. At least, no one around here has actually found it yet. Instead, when we hear about such places and look into them we invariably find that nothing lives up to the promises offered.

    Also, the notion that it is a buyer’s market for devout men is a sick joke.

  14. dougpete says:

    donalgraeme –
    I appreciate the point you made earlier about looking for a woman who will help you raise a family of saints. Please forgive me if my comments appeared to be flippant. But with all due respect, I only know what I see. There seems to be plenty of frustration to go around this whole issue. I hope for you the same thing I pray for my son and daughters.

  15. dougpete says:

    BTW – I attended a wedding this past weekend with a bride and groom both in their late 20’s, not originally from the same community, so I know this can be done.

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