In Spirit and Truth Part 1

In another post on this blog, a commentor says:

“Will women feel attracted or rather respect a man who walks in those ways? Yes.

Does it mean she’ll want to have a relationship with him or marry him? Not necessarily. All of us have some other descriptors other than godly masculinity or godly femininity that we look for in a potential spouse. For example, I may prefer that my wife has a high preference for working out and nutrition. That’s obviously not going to be every Christian man… and I may pass up Christian women who would make good spouses because of this criteria. Likewise, a Christian woman could want a man who is a better musician than herself. That may select me out of the pool if she plays music professionally, but it also cuts down on her potential pool.”

I think they find a godly masculine Christian man attractive more-so in a way that is “noble” or “admirable”.

From what I’ve largely observed (and minimally experienced), while women might be in awe of such a man, their programming only allows the man to secure mostly a superficial level of attraction, because now she has to step up her game.

Either she’s going to fake it till she makes it (I had a woman put up a very well thought and executed “persona’ that it took over a year to shatter), or she’s going to shit test the hell out of you to see if you’re really “so good and godly”, or she’s going to friend zone you.

I’m not confident in a woman wanting a devout man just for it’s own sake. Something has to be in it for her.

Of course this may sound cynical, but if say, you, DS, won a Nobel prize for the study of Christian Masculinity, I’d venture to say that most women (other than your family members or close friends) will hardly be impressed, unless the fact that you won the prize is going to result in something that will be to her benefit.

What’s in it for them?

Even during the times when I was firing on all cylinders, holding frame, walking in the fruits of the Spirit, and exercising healthy-as-all-get-out boundaries, I still had women looking at me sideways.

I want to discuss this in the context of some prior posts.

First, back when I discussed what I look for in evaluating a potential wife 2, there were various things that fell into multiple categories:

  1. Evidence of a relationship with God
  2. Evidence of godly earthly relationships in reference to God
  3. Evidence of cultivated godly femininity
  4. Evidence of chastity in attitude and deed
  5. Evidence of attraction/chemistry
  6. Evidence of a willingness for family prioritization

Likewise, I brought up questions and topics to learn about your prospective spouse.

The main point of the various questions is to examine a woman’s relationship with God. That is does she set aside time in her walk for reading the Scriptures, prayer, fasting, and meditation… and does she apply those things to her daily life.

A relationship with God is one thing. I can ask a woman about that if she is reading Scripture, praying, meditation and fasting. But it’s another to see those things in action: evidence in earthly relationships, godly femininity, chastity, and family prioritization.

For me the best way to vet a woman is to care about two things:

  1. Regularly ask her what she is learning about God in her daily walk.
  2. Regularly ask her how she is applying it.

A woman who is not consistent with her walk is going to give you vague answers. For example, I’ve had “Christian” women do this to be before where they give some non-committal answer about how God was teaching them about humility or patience without details. The devil is in the details: is a woman cannot provide details about her daily walk and what she is learning it’s likely she is just making something up to satisfy your question.

Humility and patience are like the catch-all of generic answers. Everyone gets prideful and angry so they’re the easiest go tos. No one wants to admit they struggle with envy, gluttony, lust, greed or sloth though — especially no woman.

I’ve also met some Christian women who have told me their walk hasn’t been so good recently. While this is a yellow flag at least they’re being honest. They know that they haven’t been as good in their daily walk as they should be and know they should change. Their heart is open to doing the right thing. Whereas with the other women who make something up their heart is about looking better not doing the right thing.

Next, a woman that is growing in Christ is applying the Word. She knows that she should be putting it into practice with others. If you’re only learning about God and not putting it into practice then it’s worthless. It’s like James says that “Faith without Works is dead.” Someone who is truly saved by faith is being constantly transformed to be more like Jesus — their works are tangible evidence of their transformation.

Finally, their attitude really tells you everything you need to know. When I examine what someone says it is not what they say that I am examining. It is how they are saying and their attitude towards it. For instance, the women above show it in their attitude. Usually a woman who is trying to cover up their lack of a walk and lying about it tends to divert the topic from that area or ends up dismissing it in some way or another. Your walk with God is THE most important thing in your Christian walk because it spills over to everything else. Someone whose attitude is not rooted in their walk and by extension their walk not manifesting tangibly is someone who is not truly grounded in Christ.

It boils down to the fact that you make time for that which is most important to you. If women are not making time for God or for relationships then they’re not on the right track. Sometimes we get off track as I do sometimes, but those who welcome admonition to get back on ther right track have enough humility to see that they were moving in the wrong direction. Those who cover it up and deny are not.

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8 Responses to In Spirit and Truth Part 1

  1. dvdivx says:

    I’d put sex/sexual attraction as no.1. Never underestimate how bad a sexless marriage is, trust me on that. Half of my 14 year marriage has been sexless and I can not escape for financial reasons. It will destroy you, your marriage and your relationship with your kids.

    Also do yourself the favour and do not look for a “proverbs 31” wife. There is a reason why a proverb for a manjawed careerist is popular in churchianity. Every other proverb talks about a woman’s beauty or femininity.

    Also Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:9 states “But if they have not control over themselves, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn.” Clearly if you choose a wife and don’t feel that you are doing yourself and her a great disservice. If a woman shows the inability to have lustful feelings for you before marriage that will NOT improve after marriage.

    Another top priority is to ty to figure out why she is getting married. If it’s just to have kids your married sex life might come to a close when she feels she has had enough kids.

  2. dvdivx says:

    You also left out the number two reason for divorce, money. If you have to repay her student loan for some worthless degree you might have a problem. Or she could feel that since her cards are maxed out that a joint card would be a great idea. Your wife should show restraint and responsibly with money. An inability to control herself in regards with money is a red flag for more than just finances.

  3. dvdivx says:

    You also seem overly troubled by a woman with lapses in her faith. A woman who understands what a true Christian is and is willing to have you lead her there has the potential to be a great wife. A woman who is in her eyes on the right path with her own personal Jesus has the great potential to be your ex-wife.

  4. jack says:

    Basically, the women of the West have largely been contaminated by the Jezebel spirit. There is so much cultural sewage sloshing around that some tends to attach itself even to women who might have otherwise not intended to follow the lead of a corrupt world.

    It is of great interest to me that even worldly manosphere sites are starting to get the idea that it is up to men to preserve a granule of righteousness:

    http://www.returnofkings.com/65743/saint-benedict-and-restoring-civilization

    Most of the women are too saturated in a mixture of feminism and bad-boy lust to be salvageable as wives. Really, I suppose I should pity them because one day the Lord will show them all they could have had and all they could have accomplished, but for many, the only thing they can show for themselves is that they were good at preening for, and occasionally fornicating with, unsaved men who gave them The Tingle.

  5. @ dvdivx

    My list is about what TO look for.

    If you want to write a list about red flags and things to be wary about I’ll throw it up as a guest post. My e-mail is on the about page.

  6. @ divdx

    You also seem overly troubled by a woman with lapses in her faith. A woman who understands what a true Christian is and is willing to have you lead her there has the potential to be a great wife. A woman who is in her eyes on the right path with her own personal Jesus has the great potential to be your ex-wife.

    This is precisely why I am concerned about a woman’s faith: it’s not about what she is doing but her heart behind it.

    The person with her eyes on a personal Jesus would be willing to lie to make herself look better whereas the Christian would admit they haven’t been continuing to build a relationship.

    The difference is that this extents far beyond just this: if someone is placing their peace and joy on their relationship instead of in God then they’re going to have unrealistic expectations of their potential spouse.

  7. dvdivx says:

    @Jack
    My wife is Japanese and from an old-school traditional Japanese family from the countryside. So not being exposed to Western feminism isn’t going to save you.
    @Deep Strength
    As far as red flags go I just didn’t see it coming. One big test for me is/was her parents and her mother is great. It was sad that her mother warned her what would happen to the relationship if she cut off sex and my wife chose not to listen. It was sad listing to a woman in her 70’s tell my wife that she made it a point to have sex with her husband at least once a week since she knew how important sex is in a marriage. Even most western women don’t get that.
    I’m also glad you can spot the “personal Jesus” followers. Lying is the test and oddly those Churchian women probably don’t even know they are lying since their religious views are so warped.

  8. Pingback: In Spirit and Truth Part 2 | Reflections on Christianity and the manosphere

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