So I’m going to start writing more about boundaries and communications in relationships as I am in a relationship. Some of the most interesting comments that I find are just fundamentally how masculinity and femininity interact with each other.
Me: “I feel butterflies when I desire a woman”
Her: “I feel butterflies when I am desired”
On the best thing you can say/give to a person:
Me: “What is the best thing you can say to a person?”
Her: “That I admire that person.” (Or in other words, she adores and/or respects that person as they are all from the same root)
Me: and later… “The best thing that I could say is that I love someone”
On the things we want in the relationship:
Her: “I want to be loved”
Me: “I want to be respected”
Going off of these general concepts it’s easy to see the deviation of men and women into the masculine and feminine. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that men who want to be “loved for who they are” tend to be unmasculine (or “nice”) since they are seeking after feminine validation.
I suspect this is not just from wider culture where men are pressured to show their emotions and/or men taking their cue from Disney fairy tales wanting to be loved. However, with the skyrocking fatherlessness and lack of fathers mentoring their sons to be men it can be that the mothers are impressing upon their sons that they should marry women that love them rather than respect them.
If you’re talking to a man or woman and want to figure out their exact state of mind regarding their masculinity or femininity you can employ the respect or love test to them. Simply ask if they would rather be respected or loved. Their answer and the decisiveness of their answer will tell you all you need to know.
- Obviously, if a man chooses love instead of respect or a woman chooses respect instead of love you are dealing with a feminized male and a masculinized female. You can go down the road of challenging them on why if you want, which can lead to some interesting questions and discussion.
- The speed of their answer and decisiveness tells you some very important things about how well they know their desires and ability to be completely honest with them in a moment.
- If they have to think about their answer for a few seconds or more you should always follow up with the question of why. This will make them think about their identity, and question why they chose that particular decision. This can lead to some interesting questions, and if they are Christian you can always guide them back to the Scriptures on Ephesian 5 and 1 Peter 3.
This type of test is a direct probe onto how their own identity and desires. It is often the case that Christians (and non-Christians) for that matter in wider culture are confused about their own identity and who they are. This can be useful to stimulate personal development, or probe a particular love interest as well. If a woman every said they wanted to be respected more than loved that would tell me immediately that she is unfeminine and I don’t want to be in a relationship with her.
Alternatively, you can use the reverse question like I did with my girl and ask her what is the best thing you can tell [their significant other]. For males it would to love, and for females it would be to respect, admire, or adore if you are dealing with masculine men and feminine women. Any other answers they aren’t in touch with identity and how they should be operating in a relationship.