If you’re the “stereotypical” man who plays video games and lives in his mother’s basement with a beer belly and reads the Bible once a week, do you think that the supermodel lookalike Christian woman who is fit and reads the Scriptures daily, prays continually, and serves in the church is going to be interested in you as a spouse? Certainly not.
It’s important to understand what attracts the other sex and what is desirable to the other sex so as to cultivate all of the qualities that the spouse of your dreams may be looking for.
However, it is important to note that the reciprocal nature of relationships plays out far beyond external characteristics additionally to internal characteristics down to the fiber of our being. I am going to explore this concepts to see why most of the secular manosphere has only a warped view of the nature of masculinity and of women.
Attitude and intentions matter
In Covert Contracts, Overt Contracts, and Women I explored the nature of a man who wants a relationship who creates tons of covert contracts with women. Specifically,
This is the covert contract that many immature men run. They think that if they trade emotional support, helping out a woman with things, complimenting her, sending her flowers, or any other “trade of good deeds” will get her to like him more.
This is the road to destruction. If you act this way with a woman it will surely work if you try enough. Most of the women who are feminine will be turned off though. In the end you will only attract a woman who likes the power and control of men doing things at her whim because she likes nice things. In other words, by using this approach you end up with a woman who likes to manipulate men and who is materialistic. This is not exactly something that most men are aiming for; nevertheless, when you examine their behavior of attempting to trade affection or works for a relationship this is what you end up with. Sucks to be that man who ends up with that.
This is the law of the reciprocal. This man simply by virtue of his actions (not even his intentions!) aims to attempt to get a girl to like him with flowers, gifts, and other such giving will receive his just reward: a woman who is manipulative and materialistic.
I didn’t explore the flipside of this. If a husband does this with his wife she will be highly turned off and become unhappy and want to divorce him. Yet, this advice with helping out with chores, giving a wife gifts, and otherwise trying to win her affection is the primary advice given to Christian men whose wives are unhappy.
See the disconnect? The only women who will be happy with that sort of thing are women who are manipulative and want to be in control. Yet, Christian “marriage advice” panders directly toward that sort of thing.
Likewise, men who act like nice guys and otherwise feminine pair up with their just reward: women who are ball busting feminists. In other words, if you’re a man and act feminine you will attract your just reward: a masculinized woman.
If you play the female role in the relationship then you will attract the masculine role that is played by a woman. If you don’t step in to take the mantle of headship or leadership then the woman will. Those women that are burdened the mantle of the headship won’t be attracted to you and thus will become unhappy and leave. The only ones that will stay with you are the women who like the mantle of headship. Thus, your long term relationship reward is a masculinized woman who will treat you like a little child and not respect you.
Now, let’s apply our knowledge of the law of reciprocal to the nature of the secular manosphere including TRP. What we have specifically in this population is two things:
- Attitude and intentions: Men who want to have lots of sex with women.
- Directed population: Women who are interested in casual sex. In other words, jaded and cynical promiscuous masculinized women.
Now, the attitude and intentions direct such men to become more masculine. After all, they have to become more masculine than the already masculinized women. This is quite difficult and why they feel they need to break the top 20% and even top 1-5% to have sex with the type of women they want. Eventually, you get to a point where you have an attractive physical appearance, are stylish, are ambitious, have a life, and are successful and rich. This attracts women.
These men are looking for “plates” which is a “soft harem”: many women to have sex with at the same time. Now, let’s go step by step through the process.
- Said man asks a women out on a date. He makes it clear that he’s looking for sex. Women are attracted, but some women turn it down while some women move to the next stage.
- Said man goes on date(s) with women. He pressures women to have sex with him on the first few dates. Some women don’t like this so they turn it down, but other women are down for some casual sex over commitment.
- Said man and women are now having lots of casual sex. Said woman pushes for commitment because she is really attracted to him and wants a relationship. The man says no he is not looking for it at this time. Some women leave, some women will stay and still try to extract commitment, and some women will be resigned and take what they can get.
- Eventually said man may start to fall a bit for the woman. Since she has trying to extract commitment so long she finally gets what she is looking for. However, she is surprised to find out that it turns her off. So she starts looking for another man and eventually leaves him or cheats.
Now, the secular manosphere and TRP are quick to cry AWALT which is true in this case. Women do want the best deal they can get. However, AWALT is applied much too broadly.
What they fail to register through all of these steps is that they’ve systematically selected out many, if not all of, the women who are commitment minded. What they’re left with are the women who cheat to get a better man, who branch swing to another man at the first sign of trouble, and who are promiscuous so they never turn down another attractive man for sex when presented to them.
In fact, the most commitment minded women are the women who bail in stages #1 and #2 where casual sex is put on the table and they want no part of it. The woman has decided she is specifically looking for a marriage and family, and instinctively knows or overtly knows that having casual sex decreases her chances of having that happen.
Manipulation attracts manipulators and those who like being manipulated
If you are the type of man that treats women like dirt and “negs” them into oblivion guess what you’ll attract?
The answer should be quite clear now. You will attract the type of women who are manipulators who want to get the better of you in the arms race for control. Or alternatively you will attract the type of women who like being manipulated and being treated like dirt.
Women who are regularly physically domestically abused when removed from that situation almost always find another man who is also a physical abuser. Why is that? Psychologists are quick to label it a Stockholm syndrome and classify it as a disorder of which these particular women need help. That’s not too far from the truth, but it ignores the nature of how women came to be this way in the first place.
Generally, in the childhood of women that end like this they have traumatic events. It could be they were abused as a child. It could be that they were sexually abused. It could be that they went through any variety of emotional or physical abuse. You just can’t tell sometimes until someone tells you their story.
However, what is almost 100% of the cases is that instead of seeing such “abuse” as wrong and sometimes people do evil things toward other people, they see such “abuse” as something the deserve. They deserved that abuse through some fault, perceived or not, as their own. Thus, they see such a physically abusive relationship as something they deserve, and more often then not will find another physically abusive man and enter a relationship with him.
This is the law of reciprocals. Manipulators attract manipulators. Abusers attract abusers.
The sad part about this cycle of destruction is that these cycles are degenerative and lead toward more destructive behavior. This is the nature of behavioral cycles.
For example, a woman manipulates a man to get what she wants. She eventually continues to select men who want to be manipulated by her. Eventually, she may eventually come across a man who doesn’t take kindly toward being manipulated. He will stand up to her, and she will be strongly attracted to him. However, these relationships always come to a head sooner or later: does she desire the control that she had as a manipulator more than her willingness to be with a man who won’t be manipulated?
Since humans are creatures of comfort, such a woman may not be able to let go of her manipulative behavior. She will choose to leave him even though she is attracted to him because she wants the false security of manipulation rather than a positive relationship. Both women and men will choose the comfort of evil and destructive behavior over a positive relationship.
Where have all the good men gone? Where have all the good women gone?
These questions have become the butt of jokes within the manosphere and associated cultures.
The answer, of course, to the “where have all the good men gone?” is that all of the “good men” are where you left them: rejected as beta orbiters who aren’t attractive. However, what most don’t see is that the “good women” (or rather, commitment minded women who want a marriage and family) are left by the wayside in the pursuit of casual sex.
In other words, going along with the previous reciprocals we understand also that:
- Promiscuity attracts promiscuity
- Chastity attracts chastity
We also understand that it is not so much the condition you are such as virgin so much as the attitude and mindset. If a woman or man believes that she is “missing out” in participating with hookup culture then such a woman has a promiscuous attitude and even if she is a virgin it will destroy her attitude towards those who are chaste. If she is a Christian she will eventually become a nominal and lukewarm Christian because the character traits she values are worldly rather than godly.
This is the strong importance of understanding that the character traits and values that you hold as a Christian will play a role in attracting the godly or ungodly spouse. If you seem to be only attracting a certain type of woman then you need to look inwardly at the behavior your are displaying. Your behavior self selects the type of women that you attract.
Where this leaves us as Christian men (and women)
I’ve written extensively about my approach in articles such as my 5 step process to maturity in relationships, and my detailed timeline and how-to guide to finding a wife. My specific goal is to cultivate the inward values of the man I want to be, and subsequently attract a wife that is looking for that type of man.
We know that the masculine attracts the feminine. If you use your masculinity to manipulate and abuse then you will attract a feminine women that likes to manipulate and abuse. Thus, the man I want to be needs to be built in specific characteristics aiming to eschew any kind of evil and striving toward good.
- I am a man who strives to love and hate evil
- I am a man who strives to be strong yet also kind
- I am a man who strives to be dominant yet not provoke irrational fear (hence, my issues with certain aspects of dread). I am fine with rational fear.
- I am a man who will be the leader and head of my marriage and I look specifically for a woman who will follow me in that.
- I am a man who will own my mistakes.
- I am a man who calls out the mistakes of women and expects and calls them higher. If she doesn’t respond positively then we will have issues.
- I am a man who if a woman abuses my trust or lies to me I will drop her straight up no matter how good our relationship “was.”
- I set boundaries in relationships and enforce them.
- I expect that we have a mutual trust.
This is why it is extremely important to define the type of man that you want to be in this life and in the context of your faith. The way you define and strive towards the man you want to be is also the type of woman that you will attract. I’ve have had very little trouble finding some of the few Christian women who are chaste virgins because the man who I strive to be self selects out the Christian women who are lukewarm about Christianity and who have promiscuous attitudes.
In other words, I won’t associate in even a remotely romantic manner with Christians who are not serious about their faith. Surprise surprise: Christians that tend to be serious about their faith end up being chaste virgins or low N-count repentant Christians.
My current girl was actually a bit flabbergasted by how many expectations and boundaries I set in the relationship. However, after she understood that it was to specifically make sure the relationship grows with both of us and God she wouldn’t have it any other way. She has told me that men with no expectations or boundaries are a turn off. These are men who take what they can get with women because they are so thirsty. They wouldn’t be good leaders or heads because they would be unable to form good boundaries and enforce them. She would have to mother them rather than follow their lead. No woman wants to mother their man as this leads to nagging and contempt.
This article highlights the extreme importance of knowing who you are in Christ and knowing the man that you should become in Christ. This is why I keep highlighting my approach in articles such as my 5 step process to maturity in relationships, and my detailed timeline and how-to guide to finding a wife.
These approaches are not structured the way they are because it’s an easy step-by-step process you can take even though I try to provide as many relevant details on step-to-step processes. I don’t operate by giving men a fish. I operate by teaching them how to fish to feed them for a lifetime.
In other words, these articles are to help you first find out your identity in Christ and what that means in order to walk the road of a masculine godly man. This is the first step which sets you up beautifully on the right path to seek AND find the right type of woman for marriage.