This example is from RPW, but it applies to both men and women.
My bf and I had other problems. I found out that he has been talking to his ex (not about getting back together or cheating per se, but he has been talking to her and met up three times throughout the summer without my knowledge.) I confronted him after I saw his emails. His ex and him didn’t end things in good terms, his explanation to me is that he’s been holding grudges on how it ended, wanted to see how she’s doing and “what’s the big deal about her.” He said he never wanted her back, and that if he wanted, he could’ve long time ago, but he chose to be with me. He said he just met her to get an update on life and how the family is doing, etc. The problem is, I remember those nights, he would text me last minute and say “hey baby, I’m going to grab a bite with coworkers from the office. see you later!” So turns out he was meeting her.
Talking extensively to ex’s is not a good idea. In general, men should mainly be friends with men, and women should be mainly friends with women. This is the foundation of healthy relationships.
Women that like hanging around men all the time are suspicious. Maybe they’re attention seeking. Maybe they’re one of the women that are like other women aren’t good friends in which case you know she is the one with issues if other women don’t like her much. Maybe for some other nebulous reason. The same is true of men who are friends with lots of women. They’re generally either players or they’re not masculine. They’re not masculine in the sense that men tend to be verbally harsh with each other, which is a form of bonding and camaraderie to push growth.
In general, the behavior is suspicious in the first place despite the woman saying it is. However, this is compounded with the fact that he lied about it. If it’s not a big deal then there’s no reason to lie anyway.
I got immediately turned off by this and broke up with him. We didn’t talk for a couple days. He came back to me and begged me to forgive him, wrote ridiculously touching emails on how he lost the best thing happened to his life. He told me it took our breakup for him to realize that he had the best thing (with me) and his way of seeking for closure was so foolish, he told me he has finally done the right thing and cut contact with her. I was hesitant but I decided to give him another chance. I do love him after all.
She went for the initial correct response. Break up and never look back.
However, the problem here is that she allowed herself to be persuaded back into the relationship. Begging and pleading is never the way to go as a man. The fact that she even took him back shifts the relationship to her being the one in control, and the relationship will eventually become unhappy and end up imploding anyway.
If you make a game breaking mistake as a man or woman you should just move on. You may want to continue the relationship, but it’s not worth it. If they lied how can you trust they won’t lie to you again? What if the other parts of the relationship were built on lies? You can’t tell and neither can the other person. Hence, it’s best to resolve to move on and start with a clean slate with someone else taking the lessons you’ve learned here to heart.
This all happened a few days before he has to leave town (he was only in my town for the summer for an internship, and now summer is over, he moved back to his town.) We are now long distance again and I find myself always getting worried and anxious about where is he at, who is he calling, who does he have lunch with, etc.
Last night I was really down, I asked him if he has been talking to his ex, he promised he has not. And that I’m the only one.
I don’t doubt he loves me, but I’m worried that I may be not enough for him, that he always want other women’s attention.. I don’t know what to do to get over the incidents, or if I should just give up on us.
Unfortunately, this is going to be with her forever until she chooses to forgive. While it’s not out of the realm of possibility, I still wouldn’t advise it in the context of relationships. It’s best to move on and resolve to be a different person from there.
History is very important and when there’s bad history between you it’s much too easy to let things get between you. Now, this can be remedied especially in the context of the Holy Spirit, but if this is in the initial stages of a relationship they have proven themselves untrustworthy. What makes you think that they will be more trustworthy in the future when they had less responsibility and weren’t trustworthy with it. Think about the parable of the talents. Those who stewarded well with little were given more. Those who stewarded poorly with little had what they had taken away. This is an important lesson to learn.
My question for your ladies is: How do you know your husband/boyfriend is trustworthy? Should couples have their own privacy? (One thing I should mention is that, he didn’t tell his ex about me, she didn’t know he has a gf.) Should I jump ship?
As you can tell from the comments over there they advise her to move on. As do I.
This advice is the same whether your SO was the one committing the deal breaker or if you were the one committing the deal breaker. Sure, they or you could have learned the lesson and become a changed person, but it will almost always hang as a black mark. Thus, move on. This is not something you want if you are going to marry that person.
Stick to your boundaries.