A wife’s plea to Christian men about their sexual sinning

I was sent this link by a reader.

The first part is a background on their ministry, but the second part is an amusing monologue which fails to recognize the situation.

I have fought to understand the struggle men face. I have fought to have compassion. I have encouraged wives to extend forgiveness, to willingly and joyfully give themselves to their husbands. But you know what? I just don’t know how I can keep doing it. Not when so many husbands are deceptively defiling the marriage bed. Not when so many young, single men are recklessly defiling the future marriage bed. Not when so many men seem just plain unwilling to change.

Is it really that difficult? You would almost think that this one sin is beyond the power of the Holy Spirit.

Men, you are supposed to be modeling holiness before the world (Titus 2:6-8). You are supposed to be cherishing your wives as Christ cherishes his church (Ephesians 5:25). You are supposed to be abstaining from all sexual immorality (1 Thessalonians 4:3). You are supposed to be fleeing youthful passions (2 Timothy 2:22). Why are so many of you failing at these basic tasks? Is it really that difficult? You would almost think that this one sin is beyond the power of the Holy Spirit.

You who keep choosing to sin, you who keep visiting those websites, you who have secret lives you keep hidden from your friends and your wives: Why won’t you stop? You know that God loves to give victory over every sin. You know that God calls you to pursue sanctification. You know that the Holy Spirit equips you to succeed. God has given you everything you need in the gospel. So why do you keep failing? The only conclusion I can come to is that you are so consumed with self-gratification that you are not willing to fight, and I mean really willing to fight, this sin. If it’s not that you can’t, it must be that you won’t.

I plead with you. I plead with you on behalf of your wives, on behalf of your future wives, on behalf of Christian women everywhere: Stop. Just stop.

Stop believing that this is a special sin that women just can’t understand—we do understand sin. This isn’t a special sin, it is just sin: God-belittling, Christ-mocking, Spirit-despising sin. Stop pretending like there are no future consequences to your actions. Stop putting your selfish desires first. Stop engaging in activities that bring shame on the gospel. Stop doing things that leave us picking up the pieces of your devastated wife. Stop indulging in your sin, and start thinking and acting like a God-honoring, Christ-praising, Spirit-glorifying man. For the love of God and his church, stop.

Just in case the blog owner over there reads it I should mention that I’ve written on the topic of male sexuality before on multiple occasions. To be even more honest, I’m quite surprised the author’s husband hasn’t given her the run down on male sexuality.

In reality, I can only shake my head and give a half hearted laugh at the failure of women to actually understand and ignore the two big fat elephants in the room in marriage. What I really want to say is “LOLOLOL” because the answer is always staring you right in the face in the Bible.

Essentially, women are not taught that sex FEELS like a need most of the time for most men. This is how God created men. It’s a gnawing hunger that is low level most of the time, but it can spike up to “OMG I feel like I’m going to die if I don’t get something to eat” type of hunger at times.

I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain because it’s straight out of the Bible. When wives deny their men sex they will start getting tempted to go to it from other places.

1 Corinthians 7:3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Remember the survey I referenced in Half of women marry the best sex of their lives? Well, if you don’t here’s the scary thing:

According to a recent study by iVillage, less than half of wedded women married the person who was the best sex of their lives (52 percent say that was an ex.) In fact, 66 percent would rather read a book, watch a movie or take a nap than sleep with a spouse.

2/3 of wives would rather read a book, watch a movie, or take a nap than have sex with their husbands. Yep, that’s quite a large percentage. Ultimately, we don’t know if it’s more. Read a book, watch a movie, or nap are mundane things. What about things women actually find “fun” like hanging out and talking with their girl friends? Would that be 80-90% of the time than spending time with their husbands and having sex?

How many wives are overweight or obese? As I wrote about again already about 68% of American adults are overweight or obese. Obviously, you should see where I am going with this.

Wives need to be told, even at the expense of their feelings, that they need to stay physically attractive for their husbands and they need to have sex with him. Otherwise, it increases the temptation for him to look to outside sources to sate his sexual drive such as pornography and adultery.

  1. Husband has strong sex drive.
  2. Husband wants to have sex with his wife.
  3. Husband gets turned down by wife from sex. <— sinful by disobedience of 1 Cor 7
  4. Husband still has strong sex drive and is now tempted to look elsewhere. Husband should turn to God.
  5. Husband gives into temptation when he strays to pornography or adultery. <— sinful by turning sexually to other places other than the wife

The point I am making with this post is if the wife had sex with her husband in 3 then 4 and 5 never happen. This is the whole point of the 1 Corinthians 7 passage: further sexual temptation doesn’t happen at all. Let me also note that the positions are reversed sometimes: the wife has a stronger sexual drive than her husband. Husbands should not turn down their wives in this case either via 1 Cor 7.

Now, I am willing to admit that some Christian husbands are actually addicted to other things other than their wives such as porn. They need to get help. They are the few in most cases. This also doesn’t absolve Christian husbands of responsibility not to view porn or commit adultery. However, I would bet that if the vast majority of Christian husbands had an attractive wife who wanted to have sex with them then the vast majority if not all of these extra dalliances would go away.

It goes without saying that husbands should likewise work to become physically attractive themselves and strong, confident heads in marriage.

You want to solve the dilemma with Christian husbands and porn and adultery and other dalliances? First, simply accept the reality of the male sex drive that God created, and acknowledge what the Scriptures say in 1 Corinthians 7 is the solution to it: have sex with each other so that you won’t be tempted to other things! Then start telling wives to actually have sex with their husbands, and have a frank conversation about attractiveness and physical appearance.

Sadly, this post will most likely fall on deaf ears and be called “victim blaming” or whatever else goes for feminist rhetoric nowadays. A “oneness” problem is generally both spouses problem, not just one or the other.

Hopefully this is the last post on sexual things I’ll do for a while. I’m tired of beating a dead horse. Back to the regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

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36 Responses to A wife’s plea to Christian men about their sexual sinning

  1. anonymous_ng says:

    Read a liberal pastor one time exhorting people to stop treating same sex eroticism as some kind of super sin. That advice seems to apply with regards to porn as well.

    In truth looking at porn probably has milder temporal consequences than gossip and I can’t remember the last time I heard anyone preach on that sin.

  2. jack says:

    Left this over there:

    ———————————————

    I am a man, and I will try to respond as best and as respectfully as I can, because this post is very harmful to correct understanding of the difference between men and women. This post shows that even the women who think they understand often do not.

    I am going to step out of character for a minute here, because most of the time my internet commenting is very sharp, harsh, and extraordinarily blunt. However, I am going to do my best to rein that in, in the hopes that I can create some understanding and reconciliation between the sexes, with regard to Christianity. (I am a born again, spirit filled follower of Christ, just to set that straight).

    Can we start by making some points of agreement?
    Sex within marriage is good? It is God-designed and given to be a bond and blessing to the couple?
    Sex outside of marriage is not good? That God forbids it because it leads to many problems that we probably all agree upon?

    Christian men are not having a problem because we are being denied the opportunity to have premarital sex.

    We are unhappy, often deeply unhappy because we are being denied the ability to get sex within marriage.

    Now, this does not mean that we only want marriage because sex, but it is a large motivator. Because for most men (with a healthy mind/soul), sex is an inseparable part of experiencing a woman’s love. And beyond that, it is a biological drive that most women cannot really appreciate. What is so disheartening is that they often want to deny this truth about men, and to criticize this innate drive, and humiliate us in an attempt to get us to “settle down”.

    In the God-designed world, people would marry early, and have a family with children, along with crucial element of loving, Godly, marital sex to create a strong bond between husband and wife.

    But in this modern era, good Christian men are expected to wait, often for a full decade or more past sexual maturity before women are done with college, career, “dating around” and experiencing life.

    YES, A WOMAN HAS EVERY RIGHT TO DO THIS.

    But for that same woman to then turn around, after exercising this right, and then criticizing men who have suffered painful – yes painful – years of celibacy, and act like this denial of our need for love and intimacy was no more of a hardship than giving up television, or travel, or ice cream, or something.

    It is with great caution that I draw this parallel, but remember when Jesus told the Pharisees how they would give men burdens “grievous to be borne” and yet not lift one finger to help them?

    Well, without meaning to, modern Christian women are doing precisely this by forcing their future husband into a desert of sexual impoverishment at the time when his need is at its greatest. Right as God designed us. And when men, despite our best efforts to follow the Word, fall into sexual sin or use of p-rn, there is no empathy, only the wagging of fingers and the disappointed voice of women pointing out our “failure”.

    Know this: I have had this debate a thousand times, and less than 1% of women are interested in developing an understanding of this male perspective. Because to understand and empathize with men would mean that they have to yield some of the “moral high ground” that they imagine themselves to be to sole occupant of.

    I spent a very long time voluntarily celibate, while my Christian female counterparts dallied in college, dated non-Christian men “just in case there is a chance to save him”, and went on missions trips, or locked themselves away at home or among their girlfriends, waiting until “the time was right”. When men ignore and sideline women, everyone gets all worked up, when women ignore and sideline men, then those men are “entitled little boys who need to grow up and understand that the world does not revolve around them”.

    Women further don’t really want to hear my words, because that would also mean that they might have to repent of some of their own selfish thoughts and actions, and as long as everyone is willing to cast the problem as entirely one of mens’ failings, the women can continue to imagine themselves as the aggrieved, wounded party.

    Christian women are actually often less empathic and loving than unsaved women. I have 20+ years of experiencing this firsthand.

    I really think that women don’t care about men as human beings, and that they only see value in us to the extent that we are able to serve their needs, and live up to their specifications. Because when a man says he needs something badly, the women line up to tell us how evil we are for wanting it or saying it.

    Because if you did love us and care for us, you would be able to see us without framing within your needs first. Women are getting the men they helped create.

    Cue the “man up and stop whining” or the “you feel entitled to sex” comment in 3,2,…

  3. @ jack

    Nice post. Will be interesting to see if the blog author responds or not.

  4. jack says:

    Posted by a guy, and he’s quoting a woman. So yeah, he may not. Most pastors are raging chicken-sh]t when it comes to defending their position without a platform, pulpit, or ban-button.

    I really reined in my normal sledgehammer approach, but we shall see. If these types respond, most of the time it is in a rhetorical high-handed way, offering to “pray for me”.

  5. @ jack

    Yeah, I know you reigned it in big time. Props.

    Sometimes I wonder if it’s a willful blindness or they have the veil over their eyes so to speak via 2 Corinthians 3.

  6. C H says:

    It seems that most people’s ideas of relationships have devolved to the point of adolescence. The internet is not helping. I’ve never seen more people argue with more futility over more childish and inane things in my 42 years on this earth.

    I’m divorced and remain single. Heck yeah, it’s difficult to abstain from pornography. The last few years of my marriage were sexless, and I dare say those days were far lonelier and far more tempting than now as a divorced, single man. When you have made that commitment to someone and they betray that commitment, temptation and loneliness flood in before you know it’s happened.

    I remember going through years of anger and hatred due to this. I stayed angry at women for a long time. As time passed, and I’ve gotten older and just slightly more wise, I’ve come to see the truth: beginning at the Baby Boomers, none of us were shown much in the way of what God’s intentions were concerning marriage. The Boomers wanted their kids to have everything they didn’t have but, unfortunately, this meant (to most) material possessions. Gone went the rites of passage of boy to man, gone went courting, gone went the notions of giving freely, basing relationships on empathy but also rules, rules laid down by God who is sovereign and knows His creation better than His creation knows itself.

    Everything began to move into the obsession with self and “rights” and who deserves what. The whole thing was flipped upside down to the point that even those who have learned and know better now still have very little wisdom in the way of how to really love both themselves and the person they’re with.

  7. Looking Glass says:

    @C H:

    To paraphrase a friend, it’s not the bullet that hurts so much as the pain that never goes away. (He also had problems sleeping from then on) Being constantly sinned against is worse because it’s consistently intentional.

    @jack:

    You really held back. I would probably start with “blind fool” and proceed from there. Plus the fact she’s attempting to instruct Men in ways she’s specifically called not to. Which we see exactly why. She has no wisdom and no insight to offer, as it shouldn’t be very difficult to notice the very strong desire for Men to have sex. Yet she seems to have no conception of it.

    Granted, her pastor Husband is foolish for bothering to post that as well. But it takes “two to tango”.

  8. @ LG

    Yeah, I didn’t even really comment on that either namely the fact that women aren’t supposed to be teaching men in the first place.

  9. So many bones to pick with this one.

    First porn has become a word without a clear definition. It is like so much other LibSpeak kept muddy to push an agenda. The agenda is often to condemn male sexuality, depreciate female beauty and to vilify sex. Is the Venus de milo porn? A picture of an attractive woman at the beach? An erotic novel? A romance novel? The Song of Solomon? Erotic is not porn, pornea in Greek concerns adultery, pornography is writing or images of adultery. So every soap opera, people magazine, Donald Trump biography is pornography. Eroticism was prevalent in the days of Christ and the apostles and yet pornography is not condemned in scripture, what is condemned is sexual-idolatry, promiscuity, defrauding and whore-mongering. Which leads me to …

    Second, Matthew 5:28 does not mean what most Christians think. But that is for another post.

    Third, men in their natural sinful state are polygamous. They are consonantly seeking out healthy females to bear their children. This is programmed by God for the continuance of the human race that would otherwise not obey the command to fill the Earth. Women in their natural sinful state are always looking for the best available man to pass on the most dominate set of genes and to provide and protect for her and her offspring. She is programmed to be seeking to trade up if it is to her advantage, Again this is programmed by God. The fact is that men produce millions more time the number of zygotes for a longer period of time. Men are always ready to reproduce, women are only ready during ovulation, which is few days a month. The natural man/woman’s sinful nature is overcome by living out the monogamous covenant marriage. One man and one woman – both limit their options, but in so doing they provide an image of Christ and His church. T

    Forth, when a wife refuses her husband because she doesn’t feel like it she has violated the terms of the covenant. Perhaps she is not ovulating or perhaps she wrongly believes that the reason she does not feel like it is because her husband is not doing the right things. She relieves herself of all responsibility for the sexual well-being of her husband. It is the same if a a rich husband refuses to provide any food for his wife.

    Fifth, the porn complaint is combined with refusal is all about a female’s sinful desire for control. The wife does not like that her husband is the head and she is his helper, so she uses sex as a means of flipping the roles around so that her husband must submit to her. She is saying in effect if you want sex you must submit to my requests and make me feel happy or no sex for you. Not just no sex from me, but you cannot even think about sex or provide your own release. She really has him by the balls. In such cases a husband might even surf the porn just to maintain some semblance of self respect as a man who is not his wife’s bitch. A wealthy husband who does not provide food for his wife should hardly be surprised if she seeks out food from another source. But the christian anti-porn warriors would condemn her for even smelling the smoke coming out of the steak house, or looking at the menu. After all to smell a meal to lust is the same as eating it, right?

  10. Looking Glass says:

    @jona:

    It’s always about control with Women. But anyone around here should know that.

  11. C H says:

    @Looking Glass

    I’ve also had trouble with sleep ever since those days. Interesting.

  12. Looking Glass says:

    @C H:

    I can’t help too much with falling asleep, but I can offer functional suggestions on how to sleep better/improve the body so it can. If you’re interested.

  13. ChildofRa says:

    I had a friend, she kept herself physically fit and attractive and had no issues in the bedroom but that didnt stop her christian husband from cheating on her

  14. fuzziewuzziebear says:

    I think we may need to go back to the drawing board because we aren’t properly accounting for the little throwaway in the original post. That 66% of women would rathe read a book, watch a movie, or take a nap is bone crushingly significant. We need to take it literally. As guys, we can’t imagine anyone not being interested in sex. That two thirds of women aren’t makes them sexually numb while they pretend to be viable. That they would go out and seek the company of men is a form of fraud. Yes, they get married and that is why men come to this corner of the internet.
    Two thirds? And, there is no way to know until you have handed over commitment.

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  16. @ fuzziewuzziebear

    That’s why I vet thoroughly for libido and sex drive. Some of the women were giving me crap about how you can’t vet for sex drive because virgin women don’t know how strong their sex drive is.

    Obviously, this is true and false to some extent. What they believe about sex and virginity is important. How much they get turned on. What they think about having sex with the man of their dreams. Going through 1 Cor 7 is important. Etc.

    Small clues add up to big pictures.

    Attitude is almost more useful than word and actions because it discerns the state of the heart the best. Is this woman truly trying to respect you or is she only paying lip service and going through the motions?

  17. Looking Glass says:

    @DS:

    People give off a lot of information about how they will act in the subtle clues. Even Women, though they think they don’t. I’ve gotten more used to actually using this to my own advantage, though a lot of that is that I mostly lack the ability to hide my opinion of what people are saying with my body language. (Gotta use your limitations to your advantage, haha)

    But there’s also the assumption that Women don’t adjust to their structure. They do. There’s a natural Human way of thinking that when there are two major outcomes that there is a set of choices that land you between the two. It doesn’t work that way in most of life, especially in relationships (of all kind). Marriages are either building both spouses, one is tearing down the other or both are attacking each other. There’s really no “middle ground.” Which is what causes most Husbands no amount of trouble and drives much of these discussions.

  18. fuzziewuzziebear says:

    I don’t know of any way to vet this. Even seculars, who participate in premartial sex are taken in. I think that the girls are more aware of this and are two steps ahead of the boys on this one.

  19. “In truth looking at porn probably has milder temporal consequences than gossip and I can’t remember the last time I heard anyone preach on that sin.”

    The more genophobic leanings of modern-day Evangelicalism has made sexual sin akin to blaspheming the Holy Ghost.

  20. KingProphetPriest says:

    I don’t know of any way to vet this. Even seculars, who participate in premartial sex are taken in. I think that the girls are more aware of this and are two steps ahead of the boys on this one.

    My wife and I were both “technical virgins” when we were married. Both very committed and active Christians. She had never had a boyfriend or even really kissed a guy before me (she was 22 at the time, I a bit younger). I had had a few girlfriends and aside from putting my hands up the top of one of them and kissing, there was no sexual activity.

    As for vetting: before we were married, my wife gave many indications of a distinct discomfort with sex. If I knew then what I know now, there would have been red flags all over the place: she was overly-concerned with modesty, normal sexual slang was considered “crude” or “disgusting,” she was uncomfortable with talking about sex (it was “inappropriate”), anything sexually suggestive in a movie or other media was shocking or discomforting… yet, when things got hot and heavy, she didn’t resist when my hands wandered (though she felt guilty later) and we knew that she was orgasmic. So I knew she was sexually responsive to me – but the general attitude was not positive and I ended up paying for it.

    When we were married, we had no sex on the wedding night. Or the honeymoon. She “wasn’t ready.” And I was patient – nice husbands don’t push for sex: I’d been trained well. When we finally consummated after several weeks, it was painful for her and she made it pretty clear that the whole process disgusted her.

    It’s never been easy since then. But after several decades, I’ve found places like this and I’m educating myself. Making some changes, resetting expectations. I’m two years in and things are better in many ways – wife is happier in general, I get far less acting out, and the bedroom is making progress. I doubt she’ll ever be a wild woman in the sack, but I’m doing what I can to move her in that direction and doing everything to prepare my kids to be both chaste and sexually positive.

  21. @ KingProphetPriest

    Thanks for your story. Definitely some yellow and red flags there to look out for. Hopefully those who read this can learn from it.

  22. ChildofRa says:

    Well look at the culture surronding women and sex. Take away the feminism and you have women whether christian or not told that sex is pretty much dirty. Everything about sex that is told to women will result in her either being a nice girl or a slut that nobody wants. If a woman embraces her sexuality it is internalize as wrong and sinfully resulting in a feeling of shame. As a woman on many occassions when it comes to getting dress innthe morning to my interactions with people, i am always thinking about how will people see me especially guys who may be husband material. So i can understand a bit on how she is feeling.

    Also what is a technical virgin?

  23. ChildofRa says:

    I heard of some people that are asexual

  24. jack says:

    “God-belittling, Christ-mocking, Spirit-despising sin.”
    Nice ‘n’ theatrical.

    This woman is full of hate and rage, which totally shows itself by her completely unbiblical judgment of the hearts of men, as though men who fall into sexual sin are gleefully rubbing their hands together, cackling evilly as they commit their actions.

  25. @ ChildofRa

    In my opinion, you need to find an older Christian woman as a mentor. That’s all I have to say about this.

  26. I identify as asexual, CoR.

    I suffered from major self-esteem issues in my teen years which lasted well into my twenties. The common misinterpretation of Christ’s words concerning lust didn’t help much either. God really moved it on my heart to get my tail in the gym and I feel much better about myself now, but even so, I still consider myself an Ace. I’m thinking God endowed me with a low level of desire and I always would’ve been this way even without the Evangelical genophobia.

  27. ChildofRa says:

    Well have my mother as my mentor

  28. @ ChildofRa

    Then ask her all of these questions that you are asking us.

  29. ChildofRa says:

    I did but she wont tell me anymore until I get married

  30. ChildofRa says:

    Besides, i was asking to get a males’ perspective

  31. feeriker says:

    Sadly, this post will most likely fall on deaf ears and be called “victim blaming” or whatever else goes for feminist rhetoric nowadays

    Yep. We can all safely bet a decade’s worth of paychecks that that is exactly what will happen. Someone upthread called it: willful blindness is the order of the day on this topic. Expect nothing but more intense shaming.

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  33. ChildofRa says:

    Thats all that I was trying to say, not everyone is the same nor their situation, seriously that is what i was trying to state but apparently i didn’t make myself clear.

  34. OKRickety says:

    ChildofRa said on September 5, 2015 at 12:11 am

    I had a friend, she kept herself physically fit and attractive and had no issues in the bedroom but that didnt stop her christian husband from cheating on her

    You’re right that people and situations are all unique. There is no simple set of rules that, if followed, will guarantee that a marriage will not fail. This is because we all have free will and, given temptation, we often sin.

    So, in the same manner, physical fitness, physical beauty, and satisfactory sexual intimacy do not guarantee that a husband will not cheat. If it were only that easy …. However, those attributes and behaviors should significantly decrease the likelihood that the man will cheat.

    On the other hand, who is doing the evaluating? In my opinion, women are notorious for overestimating, intentional or not, other women’s attractiveness.

    Does “physically fit” mean she is less fat than average? If it’s just relative to the norm, that isn’t

    I presume it was your friend who said there were “no issues in the bedroom”. I do not doubt that it was true for her, but he may have had a different perspective. For example, suppose they had sex as often as she wanted, but not as often as he wanted. He has an issue with the frequency, but she doesn’t. Marriage requires communication and a willingness to change to demonstrate love for the other.

    All that being said, the “christian husband” chose to sin by cheating on her. The temptation was too attractive and he failed.

  35. OKRickety says:

    Should have said “If it’s just relative to the norm, that doesn’t mean much.”

  36. Spike says:

    “Dear Christian women: Stop. Just stop.
    Stop reading “romance novels”. They are fictional accounts of men who are so much larger than life that no real-life man can measure up. They are also mainly rape fantasies. So stop.

    Stop letting your daughters read “Twilight”. It is about unrestrained hypergamy in women. It is also demonic, with the hypergamy expressed as vampirism. Stop it.
    Stop reading “Fifty Shades of Gray”, which originally was Twilight fan fiction. This time the hypergamy is expressed in the form of a young, super-rich, handsome, guy.It also is explicit in its descriptions of BDSM. So stop.
    Stop going to stupid hook-ups at college, having careers with casual sex, only then to return to the church and marry a Christian man who you then deny sex to. Don’t believe me? Successive surveys tell us that 25% of marriages in the US are completely celibate. Another 40% contain husbands dissatisfied with their sex lives to the point of depression. That accounts for a majority of marriages.
    Stop getting fat and ugly. In his book, “Fatland: How America became the world’s fattest nation”, author Greg Critser researched obesity and religious attendance. He found Evangelicals above the rest in terms of weight gain and women ahead of men.
    One finds it hard to avoid the conclusion that many, many Christian women are no better than their secular peers, only with a slighter more hypocritical twist: they take their devout, hard working men for granted. Stop it. Just stop.

    Any women reading this would understand that this hurts. Well, welcome to the club. Now you know how we feel.

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