I’ve commented before on how I think online dating isn’t that great of a strategy for men who aren’t conventionally handsome. I want to discuss this more from both sex’s perspective due to Donal’s recent post on Clarity is Charity.
A female reader of my blog reached out to me recently about an experience she had with online dating. She had met a Christian guy online, and they had gotten to talking about marriage back and forth for a while- a number of months. It had been going well and was getting serious- they were all set to meet, an important step since they lived far apart. Then the guy went silent. She didn’t hear from him for a month. None of her responses were answered. There had been no warning that he was going silent either.
Eventually she finally heard back from him. His message was very short, amounting to basically three lines:
- I’m not sure my future includes marriage
- Besides, I’m really busy right now and can’t give you any time
- But lets try and be friends anyways
I suppose that it goes without saying that she was somewhat upset by this response. To put it mildly. Not only had he rejected her, and not only had he refused to give any real reason, he also pulled a LJBF on her. She contacted me to try and understand what was going on. She genuinely didn’t understand. To be honest, neither did I.
From my experience it has been the case that women are hard to get invested initially, but once they are interested they tend to get too invested much too quickly even without having met the man yet.
For the most part long distance is inadvisable. However, long distance relationships initiated through an online dating medium are simply not good for women due to the above qualities. I would never recommend women going for a long distance online dating relationship due to these tendencies.
Given that most men aren’t going to be reading these blogs, I think it’s best to educate men and women on things to do and avoid in online dating if you are going to use online dating as a potential medium for a relationship.
- I’d suggest that both men and women do whatever they want to filter a man for the first week or two on an online site. Chat. Discuss whatever topics.
- Then meet up after the first few weeks for a casual date so you actually get a better idea of who the man is in person. “An initial date” off of online dating should not be taken super seriously. It’s more of a get to know you.
- You can then take such a thing to e-mail or other electronic communication, but continue to meet up for a few more dates to see if you want to get to know each other better. If you need ideas for dates see here. If close enough attend each other’s churches or other social activities.
- In general, it wold behoove you to continue reaching out to other women or men during this time in case said relationship doesn’t work out. It takes two to tango after all, and it’s a waste of time (and money if it’s a paid site) to think that if you like the other person that you met that they will also like you. Your chances will increase if you can read body language though.
- Only after it has become explicitly exclusive would I say that you should put aside other prospects in favor of getting to know someone deeper. However, as I already mentioned to some extent there is the false notion of a “boyfriend and girlfriend committed relationship” that you should be aware of that may cause issues.
This is in general a good outline to not taking dating seriously until it actually becomes serious. If you haven’t gotten to know the person in real life to a decent-good extent then it’s useless to think you know them that well. This is where I tend to see women and some men investing too much too soon. Then after the other person doesn’t think they want a relationship someone is left confused, hurt, and a bit angry.
If, on the off chance you decide to ignore my warning about engaging in an online dating relationship, it’s important to realize that you may get to know a person decently well through online communication. However, once you meet them you may find that their suitability isn’t good for you. This is where it’s important to guard yourself from becoming invested before you actually meet the other person a couple of times. What is “perfect” on paper may not be so perfect in real life.
The most successful long distance relationships I’ve seen (and I’ve seen some.. not a huge amount but some) are when:
- They were already an item before life, school, or a job kept them apart for a bit.
- People met each other when one was visiting a particular place and they kept in touch.
- They met through friends or family and not online dating. They were able to meet fairly early.
However, for every success story I’ve seen much more heartache. In two of the above cases they had already met each other before growing the relationship through Skype or online means. The other ones are from meeting through online communication but not online dating. Online dating is just a minefield.
If y’all have any experiences with online dating that they want to share or their thoughts on sequencing of events and the amount of investment that goes into it then feel free to comment.