Since I’m on a Boundless spree, let’s go all the way with You may marry someone you’re not initially attracted to as it was posted as a followup to the “fat single Christian” by a different author. As you may have guessed by the title, it’s semi-false.
To cut right to the heart of the matter, the actual answer is thus:
“You may marry someone you’re not initially attracted to”
That is the way it works for women, but it doesn’t work that way for men.
- Men are primarily attracted to physical appearance such as the face and body type, including feminine dress and longer hair.
- Women are primarily attracted to a lot of different things, namely PSALMs — power/personality, status, athleticism, looks, and money.
I’ve never been attracted to a woman after getting to know her, unless she changed her physical appearance to be more attractive. Sure, there have been some women with kind, engaging, and otherwise interesting personalities. However, unless they were physically attractive already or became more physically attractive as time went on (workout, lose weight, etc.) then all they would get is the old “you’re a good friend but I’m not interested.”
Generally speaking, from the men I talk to this is the overarching sentiment between all of us. If her physical appearance is unattractive then we won’t become more attracted to her unless her physical appearance changes.
Now, there are some cases where a woman is attractive to a man but he somewhat writes her off for whatever reason. Later, as he gets to know her better, he becomes more enamored with her and eventually asks her out. However, what they don’t tell you is that generally they already found her physical appearance satisfactory and attractive. Her physical appearance wasn’t unattractive and then somehow through the guise of her personality and godliness she became more attractive in his eyes.
This is one of the big mistakes where men relate this story to women, and it can give them false hope. It simply doesn’t work that way for men.
Regarding women, I’ve written before on the friend zone and various ways that men overcome it. Generally speaking, it involves drastic changes to a man, typically in height, masculinity, personality, confidence, or other vectors of attraction with or without time between a woman seeing these changes.
This is how a woman may not necessarily be attracted to a man at first but as she gets to know him better she may become more attracted as such traits are revealed.
“I think it takes a certain level of maturity to look past the superficial.”
Comments like these are like shallowness is false humility. They fail to understand that we are indeed physical beings with physical needs here on the earth. The attraction vectors are created by God and meant to address physical needs in a mate. It’s not looking past the superficial; rather, it’s realizing that our God was a genius in planning out what He meant for us to do in Genesis 1:
Genesis 1 provides the framework. Genesis 1:8 God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the [al]sky and over every living thing that [am]moves on the earth. The commands of God are directly related to what we find attractive. Woman was created (Gen 2) as man’s helpmeet and to help man multiply in the earth. Beauty is a proxy for healthiness and fertility. Men were commanded to rule and subdue the earth: hence, confident, ambitious, successful leaders are likely to do that.
The gross ignorance in the difference between men and women is why boundless articles are mediocre at best most of the time. To engage men and women well you need to understand that what they prioritize in the opposite sex is different. These differences are differences for a reason, and most of them aren’t actually able to be modified or changed. Hence, approaching the topic from the both-sexes view is inherently deceptive and/or ignorant. It only needs to more confusion in a young adults population that is already confused from broken homes and without strong godly same-sex role models.
Christians need to be concerned with reality and how to address it instead of being concerned about how it should be.
Exceptions are exceptions. Exceptions in the dating game give you a low probability of success. Sure, some men marry obese women. Most men don’t. Sure, some women marry men who play video games all the time. Most women don’t. Get over it. It’s the exception temptation.
This is why I recommend to women that they go on a date or two to find out if a man becomes more attractive to them as they get to know him better. However, I do not recommend men going on dates with women they find unattractive because it is extremely unlikely for that to change unless her physical appearance changes. I only encourage men to go on a date if she is already physically attractive to him but he has not considered her for whatever reason.