You may marry someone you’re not initially attracted to

Since I’m on a Boundless spree, let’s go all the way with You may marry someone you’re not initially attracted to as it was posted as a followup to the “fat single Christian” by a different author. As you may have guessed by the title, it’s semi-false.

To cut right to the heart of the matter, the actual answer is thus:

“You may marry someone you’re not initially attracted to”

That is the way it works for women, but it doesn’t work that way for men.

  • Men are primarily attracted to physical appearance such as the face and body type, including feminine dress and longer hair.
  • Women are primarily attracted to a lot of different things, namely PSALMs — power/personality, status, athleticism, looks, and money.

I’ve never been attracted to a woman after getting to know her, unless she changed her physical appearance to be more attractive. Sure, there have been some women with kind, engaging, and otherwise interesting personalities. However, unless they were physically attractive already or became more physically attractive as time went on (workout, lose weight, etc.) then all they would get is the old “you’re a good friend but I’m not interested.”

Generally speaking, from the men I talk to this is the overarching sentiment between all of us. If her physical appearance is unattractive then we won’t become more attracted to her unless her physical appearance changes.

Now, there are some cases where a woman is attractive to a man but he somewhat writes her off for whatever reason. Later, as he gets to know her better, he becomes more enamored with her and eventually asks her out. However, what they don’t tell you is that generally they already found her physical appearance satisfactory and attractive. Her physical appearance wasn’t unattractive and then somehow through the guise of her personality and godliness she became more attractive in his eyes.

This is one of the big mistakes where men relate this story to women, and it can give them false hope. It simply doesn’t work that way for men.

Regarding women, I’ve written before on the friend zone and various ways that men overcome it. Generally speaking, it involves drastic changes to a man, typically in height, masculinity, personality, confidence, or other vectors of attraction with or without time between a woman seeing these changes.

This is how a woman may not necessarily be attracted to a man at first but as she gets to know him better she may become more attracted as such traits are revealed.

“I think it takes a certain level of maturity to look past the superficial.”

Comments like these are like shallowness is false humility. They fail to understand that we are indeed physical beings with physical needs here on the earth. The attraction vectors are created by God and meant to address physical needs in a mate. It’s not looking past the superficial; rather, it’s realizing that our God was a genius in planning out what He meant for us to do in Genesis 1:

Genesis 1 provides the framework. Genesis 1:8 God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the [al]sky and over every living thing that [am]moves on the earth. The commands of God are directly related to what we find attractive. Woman was created (Gen 2) as man’s helpmeet and to help man multiply in the earth. Beauty is a proxy for healthiness and fertility. Men were commanded to rule and subdue the earth: hence, confident, ambitious, successful leaders are likely to do that.

The gross ignorance in the difference between men and women is why boundless articles are mediocre at best most of the time. To engage men and women well you need to understand that what they prioritize in the opposite sex is different. These differences are differences for a reason, and most of them aren’t actually able to be modified or changed. Hence, approaching the topic from the both-sexes view is inherently deceptive and/or ignorant. It only needs to more confusion in a young adults population that is already confused from broken homes and without strong godly same-sex role models.

Christians need to be concerned with reality and how to address it instead of being concerned about how it should be.

Exceptions are exceptions. Exceptions in the dating game give you a low probability of success. Sure, some men marry obese women. Most men don’t. Sure, some women marry men who play video games all the time. Most women don’t. Get over it. It’s the exception temptation.

This is why I recommend to women that they go on a date or two to find out if a man becomes more attractive to them as they get to know him better. However, I do not recommend men going on dates with women they find unattractive because it is extremely unlikely for that to change unless her physical appearance changes. I only encourage men to go on a date if she is already physically attractive to him but he has not considered her for whatever reason.

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12 Responses to You may marry someone you’re not initially attracted to

  1. Looking Glass says:

    When I saw the title, my thought was, “As a true theoretical, sure, but not in general.”

    One part that always infects any of these discussions in the “mainstream” sites is the assumption that Men & Women are the same. It always way too much evil & stupid to be interjected into discussions because you can shift assumptions mid-sentence and most don’t notice. It’s a classic misdirection maneuver, though I don’t most of the writers we come across are intentionally doing it. They’re just working off standard assumptions.

  2. Ame says:

    This is Excellent.

    i haven’t been to boundless in years, but i’m disappointed (although, sadly, not too surprised) that it’s still like this … and that they still don’t approve comments like yours that tell the truth.

  3. Pingback: You may marry someone you’re not initially attracted to –

  4. theasdgamer says:

    There have been attractive girls I’ve met with whom I’ve had no chemistry…until I sexualized with them. Then they find me attractive and chemistry on their side ignites attraction on mine. My attraction goes beyond looks, tho a minimum beauty is required for attractiveness.

  5. Ame says:

    men are just like that. there are things each man likes, and things he doesn’t … and a woman either has them, or she doesn’t. and there’s not a thing she can do about that.

    there are things my husband likes and things he doesn’t. we’ll see a beautiful woman … and i’ll think, “Oh my word! That woman is beautiful!” and my husband will look at her and say, “She doesn’t have ____,” or … “She has ____.” and she is ruled out or in. he’ll even say, “She doesn’t have ___. I’m not attracted to a woman with ___.” and that’s the end of that. women either have it or they don’t. and we woman have a hard time with that because, other than weight, we have little control over it. i know a man who likes very exotic looking women. not all women are exotic looking. it doesn’t matter how beautiful she is, if she’s not exotic looking, he’s not interested romantically.

    it’s a bit funny, though, that women have such a hard time with men having their own preferences as to what is attractive to them physically and what is not because i know many women who are VERY specific on what physical attributes they will and will not accept in a man.

  6. Ame says:

    i remember in college (many years ago for me!) there were two young men who had similar appearances, and they both *really* liked me (at different times). but i just do not like that ‘type’ at all and remember praying, begging God to not let them be someone He wanted me to marry!

    and another thing i don’t like, which is easily changed, is mustaches by themselves. i don’t mind them combined with other facial hair, or no facial hair, but for some reason, i HATE a man with just a mustache. weird, i know. but i really, really, really don’t like them.

    my husband really really really does not like short hair. i actually know a few men who do, but my husband does not. totally ruins it for him, among other things.

  7. an observer says:

    Isn’t it that men should marry some they’re attracted to, while women should marry en they respect? This is what an arranged marriage could look like, but contemporary Christian culture reverses the paradigm. Women are encouraged to be attracted to and sleep with the high value men (who will never respect or marry them) while men are encouraged to be attracted to aging and overweight, careerist feminists who can no longer attract the attention of higher value men.

  8. SapphireYagami says:

    both sexes should be attracted to the one they gonna marry. If i ever get married, I would like to be attracted to my husband physical appearance, confidence is nice but it doesn’t mean i wanna marry someone who not attractive

  9. Pingback: A Christian understanding of attraction and the role it plays in marriage Part 2 | Christianity and masculinity

  10. Zhuo says:

    I have a feeling Boundless has hurt the prospect of many young people out there. That being said, I don’t think they are in “cahoots” with the devil, but they could sure bump up their intellectual rigor. Good post as always. A plethora of other information here too which I will definitely make use of!

  11. an observer says:

    It’s not just physical appearance; Men and women are attracted to different things. Donals lamps paradigm went through this.

  12. Pingback: Weight no more | Christianity and masculinity

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