Dalrock’s latest post on man up and share your feelings quotes from the post her needs above yours. I want to focus on the title of the post, as that’s where it all starts and goes off the bandwagon. It is false, according to the Scripture.
The model from the Law was:
Mark 12:30 and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
The new commandment that Jesus gave was:
John 13:34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. 35 By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”
John 15:12 “This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are My friends if you do what I command you.
Christians are exhorted to “love one another as [Jesus] has loved us […] By this all men will know your are my [Jesus’] disciples.” The requirement, of course, is that we are disciples of Jesus. Those who are disciples of Jesus are, by nature, endeavoring to hold themselves to the commands and teachings of Jesus. Hence, disciples of Jesus are becoming more like Jesus, so they can love others like Jesus did, so that all men will know we are disciples of Jesus.
As I outlined previously in how do I know if we should get married analysis and numerous times before, the Scriptures actually state that a husband is to love his wife as his own body. They do not say to put the wife’s needs above yours. This is stated not just once, not just twice, but three different times in Ephesians 5.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church [q]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies (x1).He who loves his own wife loves himself ; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body (x2). 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself (x3), and the wife must see to it that she [r]respects her husband.
It is in this respect that Paul’s exhortation from Ephesians is given. Paul expands upon Jesus’ teaching with the analogy of the Christ:Church::Husbands:Wives. A husband must first hold himself to the standard of Christ, then treat her as he is treating himself.
A husband putting his wife’s needs above his own needs is putting her on a pedestal making her an idol.
The reason for this is quite simple and logical. How can you care for another person well if you are not in a place to which to care for others effectively? A husband who cares for himself well has a high standard with which to care for his wife. A husband who neglects his own needs has no standard to treat her well because he is coming from a place of neglect.
A person who does not take care of their own needs but is focused on the needs of another is codependent. Ever see someone run themselves ragged over prioritizing someone else without taking care of themselves? Yeah, me too. It’s pretty ugly and never ends well.
Yet that’s what so many pastors, preachers, and other Christians keep telling husbands — to prioritize their wife over themselves. That is NOT what the Scripture says.