This is my last post on this subject because I have finally figured it all out.
A few prior reading materials that helped me put together all the dots.
- The failure of chivalry in Biblical marriage, works and desire, and the failure of game
- Wayne’s What To Do When A Girl Tries To Make You Jealous
Dalrock’s couple of posts:
And finally Cane’s comment from the second post:
Game was intriguing because it is literally the anitithesis of chivalry. I knew that wasn’t the answer, and I could find the faults of Game, but I couldn’t put my finger on the thing itself. My blog posts on Game are testament to that…and to the confusion I caused others who thought I was for Game, but yet denying it. Rather: I was anti-chivalry, but not wise enough to know it. It’s in my posts about Eros, the unfair weights used to measure men against women, and many other of the pieces. I was attacking chivalry, but couldn’t quite see that it was chivalry.
Some of that was also due to half-ass knowledge on my part. I knew enough to know that the original code upon which courtly love was attached had nothing to do with romantic love. But I wasn’t knowledgeable enough about its development to wisely write about the topic of chivalry. There’s evidence of my folly in my older posts too.
And now I see that so-called “Married Game” is an attempt at synthesis of the thesis Chivalry (the last several hundred years of Christian marriage) and the antithesis Game. It’s doomed to failure.
[To be continued later]
To expand on this, the contention that game is anti-chivalry is slightly misleading in my opinion (and I think Larry of Fabius maximus gets that wrong). Game annuls much of the symptoms of chivalry and feminism, but not the cause or results.
Thus, it is most accurate to say:
- Feminism and chivalry are like an infected wound
- Game is like a pain killer
- Biblical marriage is antibiotics
Pain killers essentially help you ignore an infected wound because it doesn’t hurt anymore, but the infected wound still exists. The true antidote is acceptance of biblical marriage.
To put this another way, or in spiritual terms:
- Feminism and chivalry are idolization of a woman’s feelings, attraction, emotions, and/or expectations.
- Game placates these temporarily by distracting her from idolizing herself and from trying to get you to idolize her as well.
- Acceptance of biblical marriage is the only antidote.
Game is seductive because it decreases the pain inflicted on a husband via psychological assault, but it does not fix the actual problem: the rebellion against God and His Scripture. The antidote to an infected wound (feminism, chivalry) is acceptance of biblical marriage, which requires repentance and rejection of the aforementioned idols.
To understand this, some of the stances of game are as follows according to Chateau (in Wayne’s post) in order:
- To get defensive, upset or angry
- To promptly try to make her jealous
- To tease her (e.g. Agree and Amplify, Amused Mastery, Asking pointed, realistic questions, Probing and dissecting her mind, Dread)
- To ignore her
The first two will almost always outcome with negative results, as they are contrary to the the fruits of the Spirit and follow a wife’s lead. The second two are generally what game proponents recommend. The latter two tend to take control of the situation by reversing her attempts to make you placate (e.g. idolize) her, but they don’t actually aim to fix the problem which is to point out her disrespect and bad behavior and call her to repentance.
One commenter almost gets it, if you are not married:
it’s painful to read this post. not because it is written poorly, or because it relates to a personal experience.
it’s painful because no man (or woman) should ever tolerate that kind of behavior in a partner. there is no antidote or way to mitigate being treated that way.
if they disrespect you so much that they do any of those things, then you need to just turn around and walk away for good.
A woman/wife that you have to continually “play games” with is already operating from a stance of rebellion. Rather than play games, the true goal would be to call her out for her rebellion and encourage repentance. This is one of the blind spots of husbands in marriages with wives that are rebellious. Game does work to cover up the pain of the continued psychologicalfr assault, but it does nothing to address the actual rebellion that constantly continues.
The commenter gets it wrong in that you need to walk away for good. The thing is that when you have a girlfriend or wife, even if they’re the most sweet, humble, and respectful wife ever, they will still end up sinning. No man and no woman is perfect. The key is to actually be able to point out and teach a woman/wife why behavior is disrespectful and sinful and call her to repentance. You want a girlfriend and subsequently wife that responds to this call.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church [q]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
That’s what sacrificial love actually means: stepping into the conflict to pull her toward sanctification. So Adam listened to the voice of his wife, husbands also have the same choice to go along with it or call her to sanctification and repentance of bad behavior or disrespect. If you always walk away, you will never learn to do this.
This is not to say that men should take on any woman who wants to be in a relationship to fix them. A woman who continually ignores calls for repentance and sanctification is a poor choice for a wife. You want a wife who is going to follow you toward Christ, even if you have to sometimes bring her kicking and screaming. However, it should get better over time as she becomes more sanctified — she will build habits of good behavior and eschew bad behavior.
Finally, the latter part of Cane’s post is the correct mindset to operate from:
Looking back now at my own life, what I did when I decided to neither produce, nor put up with, anymore nonsense was to reject chivalric notions. I didn’t think of it in those terms though. At the time I prayed angrily and desperately, “Alright God: I’ll do it your way and by the book, Smart Guy! Whatever happens is on you! I’ll be sacrificial and loving no matter what she does, but I will also expect to be obeyed, and I will say so! I will be gentle, but never quit my expectations. I will stop trying to get her agreement, and settle for her obedience, even when she is bitter about it.” Best thing I ever did. God’s way held up even though I sometimes slipped up and tried to change her mind instead of seek her submission (it confuses them, and prompts them to rebel), or failed to remain cheerful when she sometimes chafed.
I’ve told that story before, but before these last few posts I did not understand that what I threw out of my life was chivalry.
The reason why game fails in the end is that it doesn’t obey God. It doesn’t reflect the fruits of the Spirit. It will never bring a wife to repentance. It dances around and covers up the actual issues present within the relationship or marriage. It operates from a state of judgment of bad behavior instead of seeking repentance through kindness.
Romans 2:1 Therefore you have no excuse, [a]everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. 2 And we know that the judgment of God [b]rightly falls upon those who practice such things. 3 But do you suppose this, O man, [c]when you pass judgment on those who practice such things and do the same yourself, that you will escape the judgment of God? 4 Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?
Game is much like many Christian conservatives attachment to chivalry and complementarism. It hides the actual issue of rebellion with a “feel good” alternative. In this case, the “feel good” is making it seem like you have a good relationship instead of doing it God’s way.
Never thought I’d make that analogy like that, but it fits. The only difference is that chivalry and complementarism capitulate to the culture while game does not. All of them nudge you in the wrong direction.
This is the end of the road for game. My eyes have been fully opened, and it is not good.