I’ve been requested to comment on the boundless article first, so might as well go back to the original.
- Men Prefer Debt-Free Virgins Without Tattoos
- Follow up: Godly Men Prefer Debt-Free Virgins Without Tattoos
- An Open Letter to the Author of “Men Prefer Debt-Free Virgins Without Tattoos
- Boundless podcast on it, which I did listen to.
Do you know how much more attractive debt-free virgins (without tattoos) are to young men? Unfortunately, there are so few of these types of young women anymore because of the high costs of college (debt) and sexual promiscuity even within those in the church. As believers in Jesus Christ, we need to live in a way that is pleasing to Him because His ways are the best. He calls debt a burden and urges us to live lives of sexual purity.
Lori’s a bit off here. Virginity and debt are more along the lines of ‘disqualifiers’ rather than actually being ‘attractive.’ These are Biblical concepts to pay down debt and stay pure.
There are many more reasons why Christian young women should carefully consider whether or not they go to college, especially if they want to be wives and mothers someday. Secular universities teach against the God of the Bible and His ways. It’s far from what God calls women to be and do: it teaches them to be independent, loud, and immodest instead of having meek and quiet spirits.
Lori is exactly on point here, and I bolded the most important part. Both the boundless article and podcast criticized the article for being “too black and white.” That’s not how the article is presented at all as you can see by the direct quote.
Unfortunately, it seems that most of the common Christian commentariat seem to be taking the article poorly because it hits on their pet idols: education and ‘don’t judge non-virgins.’
Let’s look at another passage to see whether Lori is being fair or not. Here’s the first point, from a letter a commenter wrote in (Lori put her thoughts in parentheses).
“Men don’t want to marry a women with debt. Most of this debt comes from college. They would also prefer a woman who still lives at her parent’s house that has not had other relationships. Do those two things and you will be highly sought after.”
(I’m not sure about men only preferring women who still live at their parent’s house and have had no other relationships since some young women have no choice but to live away from their families and some have had their hearts broken by men they thought was ‘the one.’ I would agree that most men don’t want to marry a woman with a load of debt! That isn’t right to bring into a marriage.)
The letter writers comments can definitely be seen as “extreme,” but again Lori’s comments are fair in dealing with the reality of the situation.
If you go through and read the rest of Lori’s comments, they are almost all fair. They’re not black and white. They’re full of wisdom.
Obviously, it shouldn’t be a surprise that non-Christians are offended by the Bible, but I suppose it’s not a surprise that Christians with their pet idols are offended by it too. They didn’t read the article carefully at all and are jumping to conclusions.
Let’s move on to the boundless article:
First, I can tell you with confidence after more than a decade of modern courting and dating, online and off, that most men do not prefer virgins. Ask any virgin woman you know, and she’ll tell you that most men react to her virginity with a spectrum of emotions including shock, shame, disbelief, mirth and fear. These women will say that usually, once you’re out of your teenage years, virginity is a difficult and delicate conversation you must have in your dating life, not a bragging right.
Being a virgin doesn’t guarantee you’re going to attract the cream of the crop. A few years ago, I specified my virginity on my online dating profile. I was promptly asked, by three different men, if I’d become a sister-wife in a polygamous marriage. Being a virgin also attracts deeply misogynistic men looking for a naïve, inexperienced woman whom they can control and abuse.
Virginity is a choice I continue to make because I believe that God is the God of my soul and my body, and He has laid out a very clear sexual ethic in both the Old and New Testaments. And I know there are godly men who believe the same for themselves and are seeking that in a spouse. But telling a young woman that her virginity is something that will catapult her to the front of the “wife selection line” isn’t true, and it isn’t kind to spout such prescriptive lies.
This seems questionable. Most Christian men prefer a virgin, but the author states that ‘most men.’ Given the feminization in the Church, it’s likely that the author of the post is ignoring the unattractive Christian men and lauding the opinions of the non-Christian attractive men who think that virginity is something to be ashamed of.
Virginity is a deal breaker for some Christian men, but it is at least a concern for most Christian men. She is right that it may not necessarily catapult a woman to the front of the wife selection line though: that’s physical beauty.
Second, let’s talk about the prosperity gospel inherent in your premise: “If you just do XYZ, then you’ll be worthy of the best, most godly man money can buy (or behavior can earn).” Your post tells women to be what men like so they can be deserving of the best mate. As if there is a long line of Prince Charmings out there ready to gallop in if only these girls would be good enough for them. Plant your little seeds of righteousness, ladies, and they’ll blossom into a beautiful romance.
This isn’t what the Bible teaches. This if/then religiosity leaves women feeling either guilty and worthless or — if they’re like I was in my early 20s — indignant and angry at God. I’m told I’m beautiful, smart, kind and virtuous. I can run a house, take care of a family, and am an active, vital member of my community. If I’m doing everything “right,” then where’s my godly man? Did God bait-and-switch me?
No, He didn’t. God never promised me a husband. He promised me himself — in this life and the life to come. But teachings like yours obscured that truth for many painful years of my life.
This is reading into the post. Not once did Lori or even the quoted commenter say that if you do all these things then a godly man is going to come and marry you. Projection much?
Your post also instructs women not to go to college. Here again, I’m your poster child of a dutiful young woman. I didn’t go to college — in part because I didn’t want to go deeply into debt, and because my family was going through a lot and needed me at home at that time in my life.
False. “Should carefully consider whether to go to college” is not instructing women not to go to college
I am all for living a holy life with a godly sexual ethic, and for honoring our bodies as temples of the Holy Spirit and living sacrifices. I’m on board with being financially responsible and living as debt free as possible. I’ll shout from the rooftops that the ultimate end of a Christian’s educational life isn’t a diploma or a job, but is the knowledge of God, which is the greatest good.
But my message to young women is not, as yours is, “Live a disposable life. Make yourself small. Erase your heart until a man writes what he wants to see on it.”
My message to young women is this: “Learn and grow for the glory of God and the cultivation of your own soul — not simply to make yourself more attractive to a man.”
I don’t know how you can read Lori’s post and get that conclusion. It’s a huge straw man. But, again, no surprise. People are not actually reading the post clearly and are reacting in outrage with what they thought they read. Even Christians.
Also, women like ignoring attraction (physical beauty), but don’t realize that it is sabotaging their own efforts to get married. As I’ve always said all along. Though the author is decently attractive, so my guess is that it’s her attitude that is turning men off.
Finally, the boundless podcast I think was fair for the first 10 out of about 20 minutes. They did talk about how these were more disqualifers than things were actually attractive as I referenced. However, they also fell prey to similar things as the boundless article: Lori did not tell women not to go to college: she said to carefully consider it. Also, they fell prey to the common “non-virgins are just sinners like you too” trope.
If a Christian man doesn’t want to marry a non-virgin that’s his choice and vice versa with a Christian woman not wanting to marry a non-virgin. That doesn’t make them not Christians. We can and should be selective about who we marry.
All in all, Lori’s article was good. Posting all of the commenters stances may have been a bit unwise, as some of the stances were not worded that well or what most people would call ‘extreme.’ Lori’s opinions were generally on point with the Scripture.
I would post a bunch of this to the Boundless comments section, but I can’t figure out how to log into my account there anymore. Oh well.