Fear of marriage: the self fulfilling prophecy

In Attitudes and Marriage I made the comment that:

A husband that is afraid that he may have everything taken away from him will not act rationally in his best interests in terms of the Biblical roles and responsibilities. What I mean by this is if a husband is in fear that his wife will divorce him, he will not be able to love her through sanctification. He will not be able to call her out and correct her when she is off course. He won’t be able to lead the marriage effectively due to being afraid of the potential consequences of her unhappiness. He won’t be able to stand firm during her moodiness and eventually capitulate. He’ll have a difficult time pushing back against a culture and and the churchians who suggest that “love” is “making his wife happy.”

This is not to say that those going into it with good attitudes will have godly and successful marriages. That certainly is not the case in every circumstance. Everyone has free will and even many people who were following or disciples of Jesus rejected him when the going got rough (e.g. John 6). However, it is true that it is likely that a bad attitude with corresponding responses will eventually lead to marital ruin.

In this context, we can say that a husband who does not fear his wife but only fears God stands a much better chance at having not only a godly marriage but a successful marriage as well.

Any man with a fear of:

  • what a woman may do to him if she becomes unhaaapy
  • what the government will do to him if his wife files for divorce
  • how he will be financially ruined due to the threat point of no fault divorce
  • how his life will collapse or be different due to the threat point of no fault divorce

And such things should not marry.

It will contribute to and possibly end up being his own self fulfilling prophecy.

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. 19 We love, because He first loved us. 20 If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. 21 And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also.

Having a correct eternal perspective puts you in the right frame of mind to be in a marriage. If you’re playing scared, you’re on the path to destruction.

For me, if my wife left, took the kids, took the house, took all the money, and did everything to screw me that would suck. A lot. I’d fight her every step of the way, but ultimately I know that God’s got my back and I can still be effective at God’s mission without her. I can say at judgment day that I did everything I could to save the marriage but she just walked.

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13 Responses to Fear of marriage: the self fulfilling prophecy

  1. Michael Price says:

    I really loved this article. I would also add that a husband who is afraid to love their wife has his priorities out of order. God should come first. If you fear losing your spouse, you may be idolizing your marriage.

    Here’s a good article to look at: https://joshuasoutpost.com/2018/10/15/i-did-not-marry-my-soulmate/

  2. I agree to a point. If you’re afraid of your future bride before you get married, you either need to bounce her (now) or you’re not ready & need to extract yourself from the situation.

    That being said, I’ve yet to find a Biblical passage that says “Thou Shalt Be Stupid”. There are alternative legal structures in most major countries, for family formation, and there are protection strategies for your wealth, great or small. You are a Christian Man living in a fallen World, why are you leaving important aspects of it up to the World?

    There’s also a useful side benefit of testing the Wife Value of any Woman you’re serious about. If she isn’t willing to make the minimal amount of effort to give some basic protections to the children, then she isn’t much of a Wife or a Christian.

    There’s a difference between there being a gun in a house and someone pointing a loaded weapon at your head. Accepting the first risk does not require accepting the second.

  3. Derek Ramsey says:

    My wife is a good woman, but if she went sour and took me for everything I had it would suck. Big time. I would fight then just as I fight now to keep our marriage together.

    I would say that I truly fear losing my wife, but I don’t live in fear. If I lost her (to, for example, death), I don’t know how I’d manage our five kids without her. Losing a wife to divorce is a loss too and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fear that too. My fear is reflective of reality, but I don’t dwell on it.

    Even in divorce God has plans. When I decided to get married, and more importantly, have lots of kids, I had to turn down both becoming a pastor and starting my own business. I don’t regret those choices, but doors always open when life’s circumstances change.

  4. @ LG

    True, there are definitely ways to protect.

    I think a lot of Christians also forget that they’re supposed to be going to the Church for mediation and not the government.

    1 Corinthians 6:If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the Lord’s people? 2 Or do you not know that the Lord’s people will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? 3 Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! 4 Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, do you ask for a ruling from those whose way of life is scorned in the church? 5 I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? 6 But instead, one brother takes another to court—and this in front of unbelievers!

    7 The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? 8 Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers and sisters.

  5. That Brotha Pedat says:

    DS,

    And the misandric, gynocentric Christian Church is going to mediate what, exactly?

  6. @ That Brotha Pedat

    Depends on the Church.

    Some actively counsel the adulterous spouses to stay in the marriage and will excommunicate them if they persist.

    Many don’t to be fair.

  7. Lexet Blog says:

    I generally agree with the sentiments expressed. Men have to be aware, and concerned for this as a societal problem, not just a cultural problem.

    A problem i see, however, is that modern day marriage laws has created a situation where you voluntarily subject yourself to being Joseph (Locked in prison)

  8. ChristianCool says:

    I have been reading your website and it is an excellent resource, but here is where I have to disagree, at least partially with your assertion.

    While I agree that “suffering by anticipation” (fear of what could potentially go wrong later on) can paralyze someone form acting, there is a limit to this in life. Constantly being in fear you will be cucked and divorce-raped by your soon-to-be-wife is not a good way to start a marriage

    As a Red Pill Biblical-literalist Christian man, I have to accept reality of every situation, no matter how ugly it may be. And the current reality of American marriage is that it has become a rigged system designed solely to enslave, imprison, and steal from men for the benefit of women.

    The Red Pill requires that we acknowledge and see the world for what it is, not what we want it to be. As Christians, we should be fully aware that we live in a time and a society that is highly unstable, increasingly more dangerous, and morally corrupt. That means that our women, whoa re highly influenced by their social group and things like TV and social media, are also becoming more and more corrupt.

    You as a man, alone, cannot (repeat – CANNOT) create a “safe harbor” for your wife or girlfriend, so she will be shielded from the societal corruption of our time. Unless you can have her inside an environment that where her social group will be mostly conservative married women from her church, for instance, and she is a stay-at-home mom raising your kids…. or you live in an area with the societal support for her to stay faithful and married (i.e. rural Utah or Amish countryside) she will likely turn against you and her marriage vows in time. Even in such a Christian environment, she will always have negative messages and pro-divorce feminism on her smartphone and media 24/7. So the support system is critical here.

    So as a Red Pilled Christian Man, you all should understand that it will be an incredible amount of work and effort to keep most women faithful, happily married to you, in a Christian way.

    You should also be aware that the moment SHE decides to leave, for whatever reason she wants, she will be not only backed up and supported by most of your “friends in-common”, most (if not all) of your church, the local police, State laws, and the entire judicial (court) system. You will be alone and despised and if you have kids, say good bye if she decides that she wants to cause you pain. You will likely (if she has a good divorce attorney) be facing a false criminal accusations, some that could send you to prison for decades, just so she can gain leverage on the divorce (and child custody if you have any kids).

    Keep in mind that no matter how Christian and faithful both of you may be, No-Fault Divorce, feminist-run family courts, and biased judges will almost guarantee a divorce-rapes, even if she is not trying to purposely “fleece you” in the divorce. This is not a “secret” anymore…. everyone knows the whole thing is a huge scam, so why continue to sign on the dotted line? -_-

    All I am saying is “exercise caution” and understand that marriage paper is simply a way for her to gain massive benefits in the relationship, including unfair financial advantages, the ability to threaten you to take your kids away or call the police and send you to prison using a false allegation on a whim. A marriage certificate is simply an authorization for her to exercise extreme cruelty against the man IF she wants and to steal from you and make your life a living hell. It is all up to HER. Understand you are at her mercy once that marriage certificate is filed with the Clerk.

    I am not saying this form a place of ignorance or bias. This is 12 years of happily married talking. This is just past 2 years widower talking. This is serious Christian since age 14 talking. This is 6 years of legal work in the trenches and 2 years of law school talking here.

    Ps. Prenuptial Agreements (Prenups) are almost useless in many States and they are NOT (repeat: not) a “solution” to the marriage-rape crisis. It is a false sense of security for men. I can discuss more if you are all interested in this topic (I cannot advise, but I have taken law classes on “Family Law”).

  9. ChristianCool says:

    Ps2. I think even worse than the divorce-rape of your finances and assets (present and future) is the danger of a false criminal accusation by your woman. This is one aspect not even discussed when people mention “marriage”.

    But this is a very real threat, one that is nearly fatal for any man, because a simply arrest in your record can and will hinder your life’s progress in ways you cannot even imagine.

    Money and assets stolen unfairly in a divorce-rape… as hard as they will be to re-build, they CAN be rebuilt. Being locked up in prison for decades, that is a life-ender, folks. It will ruin your life not only because you lost your life and time in prison, you will also have severe mental anguish and trauma that will stay with you for life.

    The Apostle Paul mentions his imprisonment many time sin his letters… clearly, that had a profound effect on him, of course. Being in prison or charged with a crime you did not commit is even more devastating then for someone who did something terrible. These guilty ones, they have an acceptance of the situation, even if they are miserable. But the innocent? Devastating. Lengthy professional experience here talking.

    Even when you get released from prison as an older man, you will have no job references, no skills, no usable education, no friends (most likely), and worst of all, you will have a criminal record that will prevent you from working in almost every major company across America, that will render your previous education worthless, you cannot rent an apartment, you cannot get licensed for almost every job in any State, you cannot buy a gun or vote…. it is a life-ruining thing.

    Keep in mind that your wife does not need a “Gone Girl” scheme to send you to prison for decades or even life. She simply needs a phone call and a sworn statement to the cops. Se can say she saw you “molesting” your children (that is a 2nd degree felony that can get you at least 25 years mandatory, no parole in Florida under “Jessica’s Law”) or that you forced her to have sex 5 years ago (“marital rape” carries 5-20 years in every State). Good luck disproving such accusations when our society teaches everyone men are evil and woman always tell the truth about “these things”. -_-

    So keep in mind your wife can simply send you to prison for decades, maybe even LIFE without parole, depending on the type of false accusation she comes up with and how much research she did to set you up and how much she wants to see your life in ruins.

    This danger is very real, do not just dismiss this.

  10. @ ChristianCool

    I think you’re underestimating the amount of sway you can have over your wife if she’s a legit follower of Jesus.

    Looking for series of traits like: teachable, humble, willing to take correction, and things like these make it more likely that she’ll respond to your authority in the long run. Marrying a virgin as well.

    Most of the time we see issues, it’s because someone married a cultural Christian wife and when the going got rough, feelings were more important to her than God, her husband, and her marriage.

    Obviously, we can’t see the heart, but we can see what a true Christian ™ looks like by seeing how they are growing more spiritually mature, exercising their spiritual gifts, their mission(s) for God, and things like these.

  11. ChristianCool says:

    @Deep Strength

    DS:

    I should intro myself a little bit… I was married 12 years (I am 36 now, been widower for about 2 years). getting married when we were both 22 years old was the best thing I did in my life, no joke. But I acknowledge that I was blessed beyond anyone can admit or accept. My late wife was an incredible woman. To this day, I have male friends who are both still single or who are divorced say I won the marriage lottery…. I am sure I did, actually.

    Perfect? No. But perfect for me at least, especially in terms of being a faith, wonderful Christian woman. She was a typical GenX woman from “middle America” (Christian, working-class family from northern KY/southern OH). Very good, real honest people.

    But I had to make some compromises. For example, I am a solid 8 and she was a 7…. and as she aged, she was at 6.5 (but she kept fit, long hair, feminine, always wears make-up, etc). She was not perfect in personality issues, but she was willing to compromise and rationalize. I seldom had to use Dread, but I did have to use Amused Mastery more often.

    Overall, we worked as team and we compromised a lot. She was willing (with occasional recalcitrance) to hold off on kids, so we could get to situation where I could work FT and support her and out future children. I was able to make progress in my finances and education much far.

    Despite my late wife being such a wonderful Christian woman, I can only imagine if we had moved to Sodom (NYC) or Gomorrah (California). 😮 I will be honest, I do not think I alone could have been the “safe harbor” for her in such morally and socially repulsive places. It would be like living in ancient Corinth, where Paul actually had to admonish the Church for being proud of a man taking his step mother! (1 Corinthians 5:1-2).

    My point being that society and groups have enormous power and influence on ALL women, Christian or not. Women are group-thinkers, and thus, why they have such a propensity and bias for socialism and Leftism as a whole. The collective appeal to women, whom seem to take their queues about what to do, how to dress, and what to like from TV, social media, and celebrities. .

    I acknowledge that married women tend to be much more conservative than single women, for the fact that Alpha husbands DO have influence over them. But so does the society and her personal group of friends, co-workers, etc.

    Marrying a virgin would have been awesome. I actually was a virgin and was engaged to a virgin when I was 19 (and desperate to marry), but if I had married that woman, my life would have been ruined. She was Christian, but totally wrong for me.

    But today, finding a virgin to marry is extremely difficult, unless you are talking parts of rural Utah or Amish country. This will not be a possibility for 90%+ of men.

    Matter of fact, some of the Beta Cuckservative “Christian leaders” are already preparing Christian men to accept and marry ’em sloots when they convert after a “colorful ride on the cock carrousel”.

    Beta Dr. Russell Moore wrote in the Washington Post in June 2015 that essentially Christian men need to be ready to rescue and embrace these recently re-invirginated former female carrousel riders, since (somehow), it is Christian men’s fault that we lost the culture war.

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2015/06/26/why-the-church-should-neither-cave-nor-panic-about-the-decision-on-gay-marriage/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.5c36ba1635b4

    Moore is saying Christian men not only need to be Captain Save-A-Hoe, but also marry these new converts. Not only these girls got to go to Cabo, Cozumel, and San Padre Island for wild Spring Break sausage-fest parties and “live it up”, now they get the bailout they always planned for anyway. :-/

    While I am all for people converting…. think about this. Men get to be the good guys and wait for these “loose women” who are now being called “refugees” to get done ridding every Tom, Dick, and Harry they dam well please and then get a later-in-life cash/marriage bailout from Christian men who waited on the sidelines?!?! -_- Ayone else see a problem with THAT?!?! 😮

    My point being… I am all for marrying a young and for marrying a virgin. I married young, not a virgin, but notch count under 5.

    But now I am 36 and widower and have my life very much together while still maintaining my appearance and body. NOW I get to marry a female “refugee” after she has partied it up while I slaved away to build a good financial life for myself?

    And worst, she gets to hold all the cards in the marriage. She can call the cops and make a false charge against me to steal my home or divorce me and steal minimum 50% of my assets built pre-marriage, my retirement savings, and then still get alimony?

    Come on now…. I think my fears of being falsely accused of a crime or being divorce-raped are very real. That is what being Red Pill is really about, isn’t it?

  12. @ ChristianCool

    Thanks for sharing.

    A bunch of us actually went over this topic fairly recently here if you’re interested in knowing my opinion and some of the other Christian men.

  13. ChristianCool says:

    DS: That was excellent, actually. I want to hear your opinion in this matter because as I said, I am coming up on 37 this year (2019) and I need to figure out what I am going to do going ahead. Marry or not marry…. I am even trying to decide whether to even bother have a kid(s) because I do not think our country is going to be a good place to live anymore in the near future. My #1 fear is an illegal alien amnesty for the 22-31 million illegals living here, which would overnight turn the US electorate into a welfare-centered Socialist majority where Bernie Sanders would be considered a weak and feckless moderate.

    My issue is that if I decide to have kids, it would be bad to do it with an LTR woman. And yet, getting married in my current situation would be almost a Kamikaze mission, in terms of finances and my personal freedom. Thus my conundrum… why I am reading and discussing these issues with other Christians (I am only interested in Red Pill Christian opinions only).

    I agree that fear that paralyzes you from acting (or living life – we only have 1 chance at this) is a terrible thing. Fear = irrational. My fav Bible verse is 2 Timothy 1:7, which declares “For God did not give us a Spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control”.

    Fear, is an emotion and ALL emotions are used by the Devil to control people and defeat them. People murder because they are filled with anger (emotion). People cheat because they are filled with pride and lust (emotions). And so forth. Rational thought is from God; if humans think before acting, they do not ruin their lives. Emotions are used by the Devil to destroy them… acting on impulse is a quick way to self-destruction.

    The problem here is that I use reason in my recent opposition to marriage. My present opposition to marriage is new to me as well. When I was 19, I got engaged (to a woman I knew was wrong for me, because we were so different and yet we were both virgins and I wanted to marry so badly). I did not want to “burn with passion in sin”.

    Today after years working the legal field, I have seen so many horror shows, that I have lost faith in marriage… well at least in Marriage 2.0, the fraud created by Feminists to use the courts and police forces to steal from, imprison, oppress, and impoverish men.

    The question I ask myself is…. is it THAT bad in terms of a sin to have a kid with a woman I am not married to, even if we were to live in a fully committed, non-State registered marriage life (in non-Common Law Marriage State, of course)?

    If I could find a Christian woman that would agree to get married in a church ceremony, with witnesses and all that, but never file marriage papers with State (again, non-Common Law marriage State), I would do it. But women WANT the “signed papers” because that is the tool they use to threaten their husbands with.

    It is like a Marriage 2.0 certificate is like a loaded gun you hand the woman, along with a notarized and verified authorization for her to shoot you whenever she pleases and not risk jail. She will put that loaded gun and signed authorization in her night stand and you both always know they are always there, ready to be used. Maybe she will never use it… but she can threaten to use it and has the power to, anytime she wants.

    The “Threatpoint” as Dalrock calls it. 😮

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