Practical mailbag: should a man be just friends?

A reader writes in:

Was curious if there was any blogs regarding being ‘just friends’ with girls a guy’s interested in. I know in Rationale Male they say to decline the offer. was curious if its the same view point amongst the ‘Christian Manosphere’

The short story: chatted with a girl on an app for a couple weeks, went on a date. she wanted to meet up again, but changed her mind and instead sent me a very long text involving a list of reasons of why a relationship wouldn’t work. Now we chat once in awhile, through various social media accounts. Says she has a BF now and that were still friends on, says I’m welcome to visit her.

Am i best to ghost her? tell her where friends off cause its toxic for me (literally can’t talk to her without liking her more), Option C?? definitely don’t want to become a stalker or continue as an AFC.

My reply:

I have a post on this a while ago on understanding the friend zone and escaping it.

Generally, a waste of time trying to leave the friend zone, unless something significantly changed about you.

Overall: you guys chatted. She classified you as a friend. If you want to be a friend, feel free. If not, just cease talking because it seems like she’s not interest and you’re better off spending your time elsewhere.

Most relationships of men and women devoid of romantic interest will peter out anyway, so it’s a waste of time putting effort into something that is not fruitful in the long run. I don’t really consider this ghosting unless there was mutual interest.

The girl above if she has a BF (which there is no reason to assume she doesn’t if her interest level is declining as you can see from the messages), she’s putting pretty much zero thought about you anymore. Most girls will say you can come chat with them to be nice, but they really don’t want to spend more time on unfruitful relationships either.

It takes 2 to tango, and if a girl is wavering in her interest for you it’s best to move on. You don’t want to be with a girl who is wishy-washy about wanting to be with you. It’s very easy for a woman’s feeling to change if she’s already feeling lukewarm about you from the start. You want someone who really wants to be with you and make time for you.

I think this type of thing is best done in person and to minimize texting initially if you are going that route. The more texting you do the easier it is to screw up burgeoning interest for your average man. There is also the issue of coming across differently than you are in person, which can be a big issue for both men and women.

The one exception is unless you are really good at generating interest from text which some men are good at doing (usually you need a good handle on how to tease her through text).

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17 Responses to Practical mailbag: should a man be just friends?

  1. Lexet Blog says:

    Platonic relationships between the sexes is impossible. Tell your reader to move along

  2. Male/Female friendships pretty much don’t work. The few exceptions generally involve a Man with options and Women he knew from the time before they were adults. At the ground level, they only work because he was the “one that got away” and is generally the outgoing type. (There also includes a level of both are committed to their marriages.)

    Networking is networking, but there is definitely no chance when both are single. Also, why bother? You’re just wasting energy on fruitless anticipation.

  3. seventiesjason says:

    Friendships with female co-workers are possible (professional, but you only see them at and only work. Friendship with a female relative (cousin) can happen. My first cousin and I get along very well we are the same age roughly, but that is more of blood relation thing than actual friendship. Friendships with women by and through your extended social circle……my best friend from undergrad married the girl who had ‘friendzoned’ me back in 1991. We get along well to this day, and we have joked over the years that “if it wasn’t for me introducing my best friend….they would have never met or married.” When we do talk on the phone….it’s for hours. She is a friend per-say….she also lives 3,000 miles away and we talk maybe once a year……

    Other than that…once you get out beyond or around college age….you should not be friends with women. It’s not healthy. I learned the hard way back in the mid 1990’s. I fell hard and bad and the letdown was very damaging to me. Nevermind that I was warned by movies, articles, TV and pop culture to not be friends with women…….

    When a woman says she wants to be friends it usually means: You are not ugly….but you just are not up to what she feels she deserves looks-wise in a guy. You are being groomed to be her emotional wet blanket to “listen” to her after her 50th bad date, and her *again* broken heart by some crusty turd of a guy. You are being groomed to be her friendly ATM. The guy who takes her out, she flirts with you *just enough* and you are the one who buys her things because the guy who is better looking than you who she is banging doesn’t do that for her. You are a fool’s fool who actually thinks ‘star trek’ is real, the TV show ‘the office’ is real and if your fav sports team loses, the coach should have called you up for advice during the game….and if they win, you *somehow* are responsible for this. Guys can be really stupid too.

    If the #metoo / #timesup and church culture isn’t enough to convince you of these facts that you should really not be friends with women………….I also have the title deed to the Golden Gate Bridge I would like to sell you

  4. theasdgamer says:

    Only if there’s no chemistry on either side is it possible.

  5. fuzziewuzziebear says:

    Women have no compunctions about soliciting beta orbiters, so the answer is “no”.

    seventiesjason,
    It is odd that you bring up the Golden Gate Bridge. While the Brooklyn Bridge is the one that is usually touted, it is the Golden Gate that was constructed by a very ambitious banker that was willing to find a way to finance it. https://about.bankofamerica.com/en-us/our-story/building-the-most-photographed-bridge.html#fbid=jHJJSfsmQth I hold AP Gianinni in high regard. He is a great Californian.

  6. Lexet Blog says:

    Which is most cases. It doesn’t end well for most people.

  7. Jack says:

    In general, men only interact with women who are sexually desirable to them. He needs to see himself more clearly and admit to himself that he wants something different from what she wants, and call her out on that. He’ll have a better chance with her, or someone else, if he DHV by just walking away.

  8. seventiesjason says:

    Fuzzie. I brought it up as a refernce point…….I live in California. I lived in San Francisco for over a decade, and I now live a short 45 minute drive north of The Goldne Gate.

    The Golden Gate is still held privately and its charm and beauty has a very, very dark side. A lot of people take their lives every year off that bridge mid-span. I can’t blame them actually, if you are gonna check out and want it to be a sure thing…..that is where you go in the Bay Area. It’s mostly all, mostly losers, mostly forgetable people, and mostly people Christians and God could care less about.

    People who really beleive men and women can be friends in adulthood aside from the situations I did bring up…..and maybe there are a few more…………would believe someone selling them some rights to that bridge.

    I would let a teenager or kid pass on this because they don’t know better. Today, no excuses. You decide to be friends with a woman after the age of 21 or thereabouts? You may indeed find yourself on The Golden Gate Bridge on a foggy night with the cold, swirling black waters far, far below beckonning you……and no one will care. Especially the girl in question that you were “friends” with. Don’t expect any “bros” to help you either….they’re too busy telling you how awesome they are, how ‘holy’ they are or hoping you will do it……Darwinism in action on their part.

    That’s the reality. Like I said, work friendships (“office family”) with women are acceptable because in most careers / jobs you just have to get along….I work in a office full of women……there is work getting done, but we all do tolerate each other very well…..as long as it only stays at work. A sister, or cousin. Yeah I can accept a friendship with a blood relation that way. A man and his mom can be friends. My mother and I did end up being polite to each other, and we did have some laughs and some good conversations before God took her at a young age.

    Aside from that…..a jump from the Brooklyn Bridge won’t kill you…….well, it may….but a sure thing IS The Golden Gate. It’s a looooooong waaaaaayyyyy down mid-span

  9. seventiesjason says:

    Jack. That’s a load of bunk. If he “calls her out on that” he better have the checkbook of physical looks to back it up. Then he could get away with that tough cowboy stance. Otherwise, she could care less if he does that or not and he just looks like another guy who thinks he is more than he is….and the first rule I learned in PUA bootcamp in 2000 was “women hear the words ‘how about some dick’ everytime a guy talks to them” so you had better indeed have the physical side to back your stance up…………but I forget that every guy in here is WAY above average looking too 😉

  10. fuzziewuzziebear says:

    seventiesjason,
    I brought up the Golden Gate Bridge because it is an engineering marvel and probably could not be built today. That financing was obtained for it at the height of the Great Depression is another marvel.
    For me, better to dwell on the positive.

  11. seventiesjason says:

    The financing was obtained by selling bonds Fuzzie. No “marvel” about that during economic downturns and bad times. Nothing revoltionary there.

  12. fuzziewuzziebear says:

    I can remember when money was tight. It had to be even worse then.

  13. feeriker says:

    NO man (unless he’s gay) needs a female “BFF.” A massive part of men’s problem today is that feminized society is going out of its way to prevent men from forming friendships with each other by obliterating male spaces (e.g., clubs, lodges, fraternal orders, etc.) that play key roles in forging lifelong bonds of friendship between men.

    Any woman who “friendzones” a man is a vampire seeking to drain his emotional, if not material resources. The object of the OP’s “platonic affections” needs to get away from her, fast.

  14. Jacob says:

    MF friendships are unlikely. Not real ones. Acquaintanceships maybe, but not friendships.

    Will a woman who is not your wife sharpen you and put a helpful edge on parts of your life? Or will she dull your life, blunt your influence and drag you down? Will she make it easier for you to avoid sin, or harder?

    Will she stick by you? Proverbs 17:17 says “a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” When you make mistakes, will she pull away or draw nearer?

    Proverbs 27:6 says “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” Can a woman who is not your wife tell you the truth, confront you and hold back the flattery without hurting you?

    Can she fully accept you? Jesus didn’t accept the disciples because they were perfect but because they needed him. That sort of need is like an acorn needing good soil. From that simple act of acceptance grows an oak tree. Can this happen between a man and a woman without sexual desire ever being a factor?

    Will she recognise you? I don’t mean seeing you from across the street and waving hello. I mean will she give you her full heart and attention? When you’ve talked, will she listen also? Will she, by her attentiveness, tell you that you’re important, that she acknowledges your presence?

    Will she appreciate you? Will she tell you she’s grateful for all the things that you are, even the things she doesn’t know about?

    Will she affirm you? While she might often appreciate what you do, will she also affirm who you are? Jesus affirmed His disciples over and over again.

    Will she assure you? Will she show that she understands? Will she find ways to let you know that she’s sensitive to what you’re thinking and experiencing? Will you be assured that to the limits of her ability, she understands or is trying to understand what you’re trying to say?

    Will she spend a part of herself on you? Friendship is costly, will she be more than willing to pay the price?

    Finally, is all of this possible without causing the slightest concern to a wife or husband or other Christians?

  15. Paul says:

    When a woman says to a guy she wants to be “just friends” it typically means “I want to get attention from you and give you back NOTHING significant (commitments)”…

  16. Joe2 says:

    Should a man just be friends…

    In general, if the woman says she wants to be “friends” the burden is on the woman to explain or define what she means by “friends.” It’s imperative not to assume anything about what she means. So you have to ask.

    If she responds with something like, “what do you think?” just say something like, “I don’t know” and toss it back to her. Most likely she will feel uncomfortable answering any further and become evasive. She got your message. it’s time to move on unless you like being a beta orbiter.

    On the other hand, she might say something encouraging. In that case, give it some time and see how it goes. If you think you’re stuck in “friendzone” then you know what to do.

  17. Wizard Prang says:

    Platonic relationships with women only work if you are not attracted to them.

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