From what I’ve seen, there is a lot of taking the fact that women are generally only attracted to the top 20% of men out of context. I also don’t agree with much of the hopelessness discussion from the comments on Jack’s post.
In a vacuum, women may only be attracted to the top 20% of men (specifically visually on OK Cupid). However, it’s not the case that women are only attracted to just these 20% of men. I definitely fall into the bottom 80% for not being conventionally physically attractive, but as we talked about in Meet Cutes – are they common I am attractive in certain niche circumstances like when I’ve been in a teaching or leadership position.
Overall, it used to be in the US, as with most cultures, that 95% of women got married in the past. As the data show, that is trending toward maybe 15-20%. Maybe a bit higher. However, what is also not mentioned is the fact that marriage is being replaced with mainly serial cohabitation for many which is basically the same thing for the non-Christians.
Approximately 80-85% of women still make it to marriage. The percentage is slightly less for men since men generally have a better time getting remarried after divorce than women to non-married. So let’s say it’s about 80%.
Of this 80%, approximately 20% of those are sexless marriages and approximately 40% of first marriages end in divorce. It’s hard to say how many of those sexless marriages ultimately end up in divorce, but I’d say it’s probably most of them. Given how pro-feminism the US and rest of the West is growing (pretty much all media, culture, and functional egalitarian and “complementarism” in the Church), I’m actually surprised the 60% of first marriages are permanent which is approximately half of the population: 80% * 60% = 48%.
70% of the population is now overweight or obese, which also means that with 80% of the population getting married maybe about 25% are normal and underweight while 55% are overweight or obese. This would leave approximately 5% of the underweight and normal weight population not getting married, and 15% of the overweight and obese not getting married. This is approximately correct from my obesity analysis.
As Novaseeker frequently says: Just look at the people at Walmart who have gotten married to see that looks don’t really matter much in just getting married. Usually those who are overweight or obese tend to have other things going for them like being funny or charismatic, but even then 55 out of the 70% of the population that is overweight or obese is still getting married which is about a (55/70 = ~68%) or 70% marriage rate. Yes, ~70% of people that are overweight or obese still get married.
This leads to a few conclusions:
- It’s not that hard to get married: just don’t be in the bottom 20%. It’s pretty easy to get out of the bottom 20% as not being overweight or obese is most of the way there already. If you’re actively working on other physical appearance (being muscular, good diet, grooming, style) and on personality (not being conversationally awkward, learning to be the head, leading conversations, etc.) then you’re definitely not in the bottom 20%.
- If you want a permanent and non-sexless marriage: just don’t be in the bottom 50%. Half of the battle is learning how to be a good leader since the vast majority of relationships are steeped in feminism and inverted roles already. Most divorces are initiated by wives (losing respect and not wanting to have sex with their husbands). If you keep up a good physical appearance and are actively engaged in your mission for God and strive to obey God’s marriage roles and responsibilities (be the head!) then you’re already there.
- Yes, maybe you don’t have some meet-cute type of thing where you did nothing and your wife was attracted to you like the top 20%, but you don’t need to have that. No man needs to be in the top 20% to reach the previous bullet point threshold, although it opens up your options more so that you can be more selective in who you marry. Top 20% if a good threshold to aim for though in general.
To elaborate on what being better than 50% is in reality, the average American man is 5’9″ and 200 lbs which is 29.5 BMI (25-29.9 BMI is overweight and obesity is > 30 BMI). He’s also steeped in culture and likes to make “wife is the boss” and “she’ll get mad if I do that” jokes. You’re telling me that most men can’t be better than that? Yeah, no.
Both women and men continue to fall for the apex fallacy. You don’t need to be top 20% to get married and have a permanent and non-sexless marriage. It’s much easier when you know you only have to be top 50% and even just to get married not the bottom 20%.
The issue for many is the calibration of attractiveness. Many/some men and women don’t want to marry someone who is overweight or obese or has other issues with certain things. This can price them out of the pool of candidates that would go on dates and/or marry them. That is their prerogative though. The more selective you are, the harder it will be to find someone who meets that criteria.
I know we’ve discussed on this blog about all of the different criteria, but at the end of the day it’s just risk profiles. Each man can determine how much risk they want to take on to be married.
If one thinks that they’re too far down the totem pole for whatever reasons and nothing is every going to convince them to marry, or they just don’t want to worry, then do as the Bible says: stay single and serve God wholeheartedly.