How to evaluate sexual compatibility as a Christian with no pre-marital sex and only chaste behavior

This question has been asked a bunch of times before, but it never has had it’s own post.

Let me first say I’m not an expert on this topic, but here’s a bit about how I approached it with my wife. The good fruit that this has born is that I am happy to say that my wife has never once denied me when I really wanted to have it nor have I her. We have had grace for each other if sick or tired a few times, but overall we go out of our way to please the other.

I’m going to go over a bunch of different points here (not everything in the post above), but if you want to read the full timeline of when/how I discussed things you can click the link.

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  • Vet for background (e.g. how she grew up, what her parents taught her about sex, if there is any abuse, etc.) to ensure there aren’t any yellow or red flags there which may interfere with intimacy

This gives you some clues into how she was raised and her attitudes toward sex. As one of the many Christian growing up during the “purity” movement, it did warp many Christian men and women’s ideas about what was good and what was bad. It’s was often the case that it was drilled into young adults heads that sex before marriage = bad and sex after marriage = good. While most men can flip a switch to go from no sex to lots of sex, sometimes women have hangups about this because they’ve been doing what is “right” and now even though it’s good to have sex with their husband it still feels “wrong.” You want to see if they can process through any yellow or red flags in their attitudes toward sex.

  • Look not just at virginity but overall chastity. It helps to differentiate if she may hold virginity as an idol, or if she’s being obedient to God

No man or woman should be shamed for preferring a virgin spouse. However, virginity is not a be-all end-all. A “technical virgin” who continues to do everything with men while dating is questionable at best. A woman who had formerly slept with some men but has been chaste for many years since she has been saved is showing that she understands how to obey God.

  • Look at her attitudes toward physical intimacy and acceptance of it For example, you should both want to have sex and have trouble keeping your hands off each other, but you stop yourselves because you want to avoid temptation and honor God.

This should be quite obvious seeing the context of 1 Corinthians 7. Paul describes that “because of fornications” that men and women should marry because they were burning with passion for each other. Beware of women (or men for women) who want to be in a relationships or marriage but don’t have a hard time keeping their hands off you. They may be in it for other reasons, but less likely want to fulfill their own duty toward you. Which leads into…

  • Go over the Bible passages on marriage with her and ask for her opinions (you must ask her to give her opinions before giving yours, so you don’t unnecessarily influence her toward your perspective).

1 Corinthians on denial of sex is a big one. If she is a true Christian and unselfish she will want to have sex even if she doesn’t feel like it and same with you as a husband. It is must to go over this passage with a prospective spouse and see their attitude toward it.

  • Ask about her libido.

Many men never ask, but it’s important. Does she want to have sex? How is her sex drive? What is a reasonable amount of sex in marriage to her? What if your numbers are so drastically different such as you want to do it everyday while she wants to do it once every couple weeks?

  • Look at how she treats others and you. The more unselfishness and respect for others you see, the more likely it is that she won’t deny sex.

The Christian walk is often filled with loving and serving others *even when we don’t want to*. You want a Christian who walks the walk. Also, read the Christian Brad Pitt thought experiment as it explains how a woman generally will act if she’s attracted. She’ll want to go out of her way to follow you and be with you. This includes sex.

  • Examine attitudes and actions toward birth control (and if she is taking any), exercise, sleep, and other factors as that can influence a woman’s sex drive

These are often overlooked. Aside from the potential side effects of things like birth control (cancer, blood clots, etc.) there are other things like changing a woman’s preferences and sex drive that get glossed over. There’s a few examples in the OYS threads about men realizing their wives libido was killed by birth control. You don’t want to get married to someone who is taking birth control who is attracted to you and then when she goes off she thinks you’re not attractive and doesn’t want to have sex with you. Likewise, lifestyle stuff is important because things like high stress and lack of health all can contribute to lower sex drive.

While sex is not everything, it’s easy for it to become an issue in a marriage especially when you’re the one getting denied. These difference points can allow you to investigate a woman or man’s potential attitudes and actions toward sex which will give you a good idea if they want to have sex with you and if they’ll deny you or not.

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7 Responses to How to evaluate sexual compatibility as a Christian with no pre-marital sex and only chaste behavior

  1. “1 Corinthians on denial of sex is a big one.”

    Yep, that’s huge. If she cringes at this passage then move on. It could not be more clear.

    1 Corinthians 7:1–5 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

  2. Joe2 says:

    Go over the Bible passages on marriage with her and ask for her opinions (you must ask her to give her opinions before giving yours, so you don’t unnecessarily influence her toward your perspective).

    I think simply going over Bible passages on marriage may introduce risk in her responses. She may view the exercise as a kind of test which may cause her to become intimidated and provide a defensive textbook kind of response. It may also give her the opportunity to cite other Bible passages which will require your response. Thus, the exercise may become more of a Bible discussion rather than how she would apply her perspective in her marriage.

    Another approach may be to ask for her opinions on marriage (such as denial of sex) without referencing the appropriate Bible passages. By doing so, the intent is to learn how she developed those opinions, how she would apply them in her marriage and to assess whether her actions would be accord with the Bible.

    Of course, in the end you can go over her responses with the appropriate Bible passages as you give your perspective.

  3. Joe2 says:

    Another approach may be to ask for her opinions on marriage (such as denial of sex) without referencing the appropriate Bible passages.

    As a follow-up to the above, her opinion may be obtained by simply mentioning what you read or heard, such as, “I read that a lot of men are denied sex by their wives.” Why do you think that happens? Are the wives right to deny sex?

  4. fuzziewuzziebear says:

    There is something that has been rattling around in my head for a couple of weeks. While you can’t test her directly, on this of which she has no experience, you can ask her if she would make oatmeal on a cold morning. That would test her generosity.

  5. @ Joe2

    Good perspectives. Bringing them up without bring up the Bible can definitely be a better indicator to understand if she knows what her Bible says or defaults to worldly advice over the Bible.

  6. Awesome post! You are so right, and it is fairly simply to figure out if you are dealing with a “chronic sex-denying” female. It takes a lot of work and patience to help a woman who has been damaged by extreme purity culture, and I do know if most men can handle that work. It is difficult to find a chaste woman who is sexually vibrant, but it can be done as I have found.

    Your comment on someone “holding virginity as an idol” is brilliant. There is a Huge difference in honoring God with the body and worshipping the title of virginity.

  7. That’s a good test. Good thinking.

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