Vetting is for identifying red flags from past behavior; future behavior needs Biblical solutions

Y’all giving me lots of material for posts from the comments section of the same post of my previous post on What makes a Christian marriage successful?


There seems to be a very wrong impression about the value of vetting. Vetting is looking at a man or woman’s past and identifying behavior that are potential yellow or red flags. These tend to be moderate to high risk factors for divorce.

Vetting does not ensure any guarantee on future behavior, although it can show trends. For instance, one of my oft used examples is this: if a woman had sex with some men before coming to Christ, but once she came to Christ she was devoted to Christ by following Him in her behavior and chaste for several years she would generally be a better choice than a woman who claims to be a Christian but has done everything but sex (while continuing to claim to be a Christian) with the same number of men the now chaste woman is.

The way Jesus said it in terms of behavior/vows was: let your yes be yes and your no be no. Your behavior should be congruent with what you are saying. This is similar to one of the RP maxims: watch what they do, not what they say.

Future behavior

The thing that I see in real life that most Christian husbands who are in marital trouble aren’t doing is something that is straight out of the Bible that I’ve covered dozens of times on this blog.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

Obviously, the Church currently does not do any favors to husbands by claiming this love that Christ has for the Church is to make his wife happy (e.g. happy wife, happy life). Instead, the real meaning of the verse is one of the keys to help influence future behavior of your wife.

How many Christians husbands are taking responsibility for sanctifying their wife — pointing out when they sin and helping them to repent. That number is probably very few. This ideally needs to be started BEFORE marriage to ensure that you don’t marry a wife that is contentious to Christian teaching, rebuke, correction and training.

Yes, this is basically akin to discipling your wife in the faith.

This command for husbands to obey is critical for influencing a wife to become more like Christ. The act of repentance means a wife has to be humble enough to admit she’s sinning and change her behavior. This also likely means she’s humble enough to submit to her husband and follow His lead.

It is entirely possible that a Christian husband could be doing this from the start of his marriage and a wife is rebellious and contentious anyway, but that seems to be rare.

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16 Responses to Vetting is for identifying red flags from past behavior; future behavior needs Biblical solutions

  1. professorGBFMtm2021 says:

    I still can’t beleave that BOT guy!He thinks us older CHRISTIAN men on the manosphere don’t know what’s up, with women especialy?He needs to go to those churches he was talking about,not to us!My first G.F. at age 7 that began over 35 years ago almost 5 months back!He needs to tell his stuff to young men not us guys!Of course hes younger than us!He proved that!Also you know that married-mother 30 year old occupational therapist?Shes still married to that same husband from 3 years ago now!So maybe it was just a off-time for her!?

  2. Oscar says:

    Vetting is looking at a man or woman’s past and identifying behavior that are potential yellow or red flags. ~ DS

    Don’t forget black flags. Those are the indicators that make you bail out immediately.

  3. professorGBFMtm2021 says:

    I know about red&black flags these are the most common ones shown by women today!
    OSCARP.S.Does a certain guy know about our guatemalian brothers being extorted for money and then doing vigilante justice?I do, I know a guy who is around age 35 or so who to protect his family,took a machete to one of these extortionists.But a certain guy is worried about finding a wife or something!LIFES SO TOUGH ON YOU ELITES P.S.He not know I was selling ornaments on the side walk at age 10&11 in the warm months of november &december at night?But us guys were born into luxury?Can you imagine any of these gen z kids doing any of the work we did as kids?They would yell child-abuse!
    MANOWARP.S. DS you know alot of these 18-25 year old nurses were giving off most of these red flags a few years back!One 23 year old one I was friends with, was shaking up with her boyfriend!
    COURTINGP.S.Whatever happened to picnics DS?Like on the andy griffith show ,but realy those town picnics from the late 1800’s?This dinner&movie dating realy kept marriage going!It makes me think of this!”But if the watchman sees the sword come,and dos’nt blow the trumpet,and the people are not warned,and the sword comes,and take any person from among them:He is taken away in his inquity,but his blood will I require of the watchman”!Very sobering words indeed!

  4. jvangeld says:

    Hebrews 3:13 But encourage one another every day, as long as it is still called “today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

  5. Anonymous Reader says:

    Baptist sermon causes much triggering and screeching.

    A Missouri pastor is on leave after delivering a sermon telling women to lose weight and submit to the sexual desires of their husbands to keep them from straying.

    Pastor Stewart-Allen Clark took a leave of absence Tuesday from First General Baptist in Malden after widespread criticism of his sexist sermon in late February. Besides weight loss and sex, Clark told wives to wear makeup, dress nicely, choose appropriate hairstyles and appear less “butch.”

    Although the church in southeastern Missouri deleted videos from its website, a recording of the sermon appears on Facebook.

  6. elspeth says:

    I listened to a bit of this. This man spoke truth, and he’s being punished for it. Truth is offensive now.

  7. Oscar says:

    @ Elspeth & AR

    I listened to a bit of this. This man spoke truth, and he’s being punished for it. Truth is offensive now. ~ Elspeth

    Remember when DS said that it helps when a pastor is in shape? Pastor Stewie there is obese. I mean, he’s a tub-o-lard.

    Granted, no one is allowed to speak truth to women anymore, but it would look a lot less ridiculous coming from a man who’s not engaged in the deadly sin of gluttony.

  8. cameron232 says:

    He’s out of shape for sure. That’s not a tub of lard by today’s standards. That’s “dad bod” – yeah I agree you should keep in shape – not making excuses for him.

  9. cameron232 says:

    I’m going to be a bit blue pill here. It depends on what you mean by submit to his desires. She shouldn’t e.g. imitate a porn whore if that’s what he desires. Only God is owed absolute obedience. She shouldn’t obey sinful commands.

  10. professorGBFMtm2021 says:

    This might give you a idea for a post!
    This is from my fave metal siren from norway on youtube on her roxette cover song at the end of it! Marit ”Minny” borresen!Shes mostly a good 30?(born in 1990) year old gal,she is’nt a CAMGIRL wannabe, like most women on the net today!Is she wrong here, on how most have seen life since at least the ’20’s!?
    ”Listen to your heart!Before it stops beating!” That was her ending to the song!
    ”PASSION!Sometimes we wonder if the fight is worthwhile!
    LOST!Memories that seem to be lost in the tide&are swept away&it no longer seems as it is!
    LOVE!The feeling of belonging to someone elses dreams&the scent of magic&the beauty that is!
    I could tell you to listen to your heart,but thats obvious!”
    ”Out of the mouth of babes” right DEEPSTRENGTH?
    This dos’nt remind you of proverbs 7-9?
    But this is’nt what most who claim christ also beleave?

  11. feeriker says:

    I listened to a bit of this. This man spoke truth, and he’s being punished for it. Truth is offensive now.

    Can those who reject truth really be called “Christians?”

  12. Oscar says:

    @ feeriker

    Can those who reject truth really be called “Christians?”

    Jesus Christ is “the way, the truth, and the life”, which means that to follow Jesus Christ is to follow the truth wherever it leads. So, no. They can’t be called “Christians”.

    Obviously, we have to account for grace. We all have a difficult time accepting unpleasant truth, and sometimes it takes a while for the truth to beat us into submission. Plus, sometimes we’re sincerely wrong.

    But, a person who refuses to accept an obvious truth like “men prefer slender women, and sex is an important part of marriage, so if you want a good marriage, you might want to stay in shape” is actively rejecting the truth. In other words, they’re not struggling with the truth, or sincerely wrong. They hate the truth.

  13. Elspeth says:

    Now, one could quibble with the fact that he chose -apparently- a Sunday morning service to say things that I don’t think are suitable for a Sunday morning service. Ideally, he would have had his wife talk to the women of the church about this issue since it seems that she agrees with him.

    So…he’s not perfect here, and I don’t want to imply that I think he is. Even the whole untucked shirt and jeans in the pulpit leave a lot to be desired there. Too Contemporary Christian for my taste.

    But none of my quibbles takes away from the fact that what he said was objectively true.

  14. Anonymous Reader says:

    Beth Moore decides that while she’s still a Baptist she can’t be associated with the Southern Baptists anymore.

    Poor complementarians, no matter how hard they concede they still wind up being accused of teh Patriarchy.

  15. Oscar says:

    @ AR

    It amazes me that Christians are so afraid of the word “patriarchy”. God is our father. He’s in charge. That makes God the ultimate patriarch. In fact, that makes Christianity the most patriarchal religion in the world, because it’s the only one in which God is the Father.

    You literally can’t be a Christian and reject patriarchy.

    Not everyone who embraces patriarchy is a Christian, but everyone who rejects patriarchy is a non-Christian.

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