What makes a Christian marriage successful?

Jack comments on Nova’s most recent post.

Cameron listed three commonalities with successful marriages (even those that started in sin and without proper screening or planning).
1-The marriage is open to (better if enthusiastic for) having children.
2-The woman wants to be (primarily) a wife and mother rather than a careerist.
3-There was evident attraction from the woman directed towards the man from the get-go. (i.e. Scott’s axiom).

This mirrors conclusions I have made in the past, that marriage is (or should be) about sex (largely dependent on point 3, since women are “gatekeepers” of sex) and having children (point 1), and that it needs to have a Headship structure (implied in the combination of points 2 and 3). Also, point 2 requires the woman’s decided rejection of any self-centered personal ambitions, such as the Feminist Life Script or riding the CC. Point 3 and early marriage discourages the latter.
Also, a woman’s N count sharply erodes point 3 and could affect point 1 (e.g. extended family, paternity fraud, etc.), which is why virginity and chastity are important.

This also explains why many non-Christians have successful marriages and many Christians do not, as I wrote about in Friday’s post.

I am coming to the conclusion that there is a misconception about what “Christian” truly means in regard to dating and marriage. To wit, we have the notion that a Christian marriage requires two chaste, professing Christians being properly married in a certain kind of church, complete with public vows and golden rings and the rubber stamps of the church and state. You may choose between lillies or roses, and rice or confetti. But all these things are rather superficial. In reality, the collection of factors I listed above (Cameron’s 3 points with my extensions) is what truly constitutes a “Christian” marriage (or what should be touted as a Christian marriage). Here, the adjective “Christian” in front of “marriage” carries the meaning that it glorifies God, fulfills His purposes for marriage, and establishes a sanctified home environment that is conducive to the emotional security and spiritual vitality of the family.

This is what determines whether the marriage is successful, and not the mere absence of divorce.

I wanted to pull this out and highlight it because it’s very reminiscent of my attraction post: A Christian understanding of attraction and the role it plays in marriage. This is one of the most important articles that I included in the Biblical Masculinity Blueprint in order to explain attraction to those who read it. I’m not going to cover the whole thing, but I’ll pull out the salient topics.

Basically, Jesus indicates in Matthew 22 when He is trying to be trapped by the Saducees/Pharisees that there’s no marriage in heaven. This means marriage is an earthly institution, and that we can learn a lot about it for the purposes God created it.

Genesis 1 and 2 are two different accounts of creation. Genesis 1 is an overview of creation, while Genesis 2 more of the human view of creation. Both have components that indicate why marriage was created. For instance, Genesis 1 indicates that God created male and female and commanded them to “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” (e.g. (1) be fruitful and multiply and (2) take dominion over all the earth).

Genesis 2 indicates the other various duties — Gen 2:15 “…put him in the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and tend it. 16 The Lord God commanded the man, saying, “… but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for on the day that you eat from it you will certainly die.” “18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

In effect, God’s commands of marriage as an earthly institution first with Adam and then as a helper with Eve are to:

  1. Take dominion over all the earth
  2. Multiply and fill the earth
  3. Cultivate and tend to the garden
  4. Obey God
  5. Eve as a helper

So what are men attracted to? Men are generally attracted to physical beauty (e.g. .6-.8 waist to hip ratio), healthy bodies, beauty, etc which tend to indicate that she is fertile and has a good capacity to bear children — thus fulfilling God’s command to multiply and fill the earth. Femininity is generally nurturing and kind, much like a good helper would be.

So what are women attracted to? Women are generally attracted to PSALM – power, status, athleticism, looks (muscle, etc.), and money and similar things. Power and status? Those tend to correlate with taking dominion. Athleticism and looks/muscle? Those tend to be correlated with protecting and caring for things like the garden and her and her children. Money? Provisioning for her and her children. Masculine traits are helpful for improving all of these to varying degrees.

To circle back around…

These obviously look familiar to Cameron’s and Jack’s assessment of godly successful marriages.

  1. Marriage is open and/or enthusiastic about having children. Check. Be fruitful and multiply.
  2. The woman wants to be a wife and mother instead of a careerist. Check. Helper to her man (wife) and be fruitful and multiply (mother).
  3. Evident sexual attraction. Check. Obviously, a man fulfilling God’s mandate to take dominion, protect and provide for himself (and by extension a wife and children) and obey God (e.g. not put his wife on a pedestal — or in Heartiste’s rule ‘you shall make your mission, not women, your priority’) is going to be attractive to women. Likewise, a woman that is generally beautiful and feminine will tend to best fulfill the be fruitful and multiply and helper commands and duties respectively.

It’s there all along. We just didn’t want to dig through Genesis 1-3 to understand fulfilling God’s purpose for marriage means that men and women will be attracted to each other and successful at it.

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13 Responses to What makes a Christian marriage successful?

  1. Jack says:

    Thanks for the review and confirmation. These things need to be repeated and emphasized.

  2. professorGBFMtm2021 says:

    DEEPSTRENGTH
    Of course all this is true!I know this is very true!One of my occupational therapists at physical rehab was telling me about how her husband was not doing the yardwork or something similar to her approval!She also told me she had two children & how she wished they could get along with each other easily!At first I thought nothing of either, as I usualy do in that I was’nt looking for a date or nothing!But clearly something was going throgh her mind!I had come in to physical rehab very quietly(As is usual)then all of a sudden, I started amazing everybody with my knowledge & conversational skills!This is who I naturaly am so I understand others, not getting it!My status basicaly went from low to very high within a few days!

  3. cameron232 says:

    I left this comment at Sigma Frame but felt it might be relevant to the discussion here. Left for you smart guys to flesh out and figure out how it fits into Jack’s 3 points and how they tie back to Genesis.

    Lori Alexander has a good post up that includes testimonials from women (and a few from men) about the effects of lack of virginity/chastity. Here’s one:

    “It created an emotional separation basically from sex itself. It’s more of just an act for me than a true connection.”

    Here’s a problem. The non-virgin risks losing emotional connection inherent in sex. That means her desire for/enjoyment of sex is completely dependent on her raw attraction to her husband and the problem with female hypergamic-visceral-attraction. So, my comments here about women being marginally attracted or not attracted to their beta hubby and the resulting problems from lack of sex or coldfish “duty” sex given resentfully.

    Another testimony:

    “Having the memories of past lovers. It would have been a satisfying accomplishment to have been a virgin on my wedding night, but because of fornication, I robbed myself of that.”

    Alpha widows + the aforementioned lack of emotional connection during sex.

    Another:

    “I would say this is my biggest regret in life. God created sex for husband and wife, and it isn’t meant to be shared with anyone else. When you share it, it looses its exclusivity. You almost make yourself less ‘special’ if that makes sense.”

    It has to be “special” for her to enjoy it – this is less a problem for men.

    “It ruined my view of sex in my marriage for a long time. It affected how I saw my husband for a while too. I treated him like the horrible men from my past that I had no business being with in the first place.”

    You’re Beta Bob – she gave to another man what was rightfully yours and now she projects her resentment at Alpha Chad onto you.

    Another:

    “Oh, man. I wish I had never done it before marriage. It’s awful. Sometimes my past experiences are triggered while I am with my husband, and it’s almost as if I’m letting someone else into our own private bedroom or our own private love and life.”

    Female fornication isn’t literally adultery but has many of the same psychological and spiritual effects.

    https://thetransformedwife.com/virginity-is-a-patriarchal-concept/

  4. professorGBFMtm2021 says:

    CAMERON
    Of course thats true!You know that occupational therapist(She was around 30 &had been married for around 5 years with the two kids being around 2 &4 years old so you know this story right?) was super-easy(And very demure with myself!) on my ole’ eyes but that usualy means little to myself!Beauty is easier to find Then a woman thats ready to go nuclear with blowing up her two children also!Who am I charlie sheen?If he would had never been on coke,would he have gotten HIV?Thats what I’m been trying to say to everybody!Get off the drugs of the world!They’ll give you HIV(Or something worser!) everytime!

  5. @ cameron232

    Here’s a problem. The non-virgin risks losing emotional connection inherent in sex. That means her desire for/enjoyment of sex is completely dependent on her raw attraction to her husband and the problem with female hypergamic-visceral-attraction. So, my comments here about women being marginally attracted or not attracted to their beta hubby and the resulting problems from lack of sex or coldfish “duty” sex given resentfully.

    I think that makes a lot of sense.

    The statistics on the virginity even show that only 2-3 partners tend to have a spike in divorce rates even over 4-10+.

    Once the emotional aspect of sex — and very likely pair bonding — is divorced from the intimacy of a husband and wife then the only thing that may be binding them together is rote attraction.

    You lose the attraction like some men who start to live “happy wife happy life” and/or get fat in marriage you have a large to deafening problem that can easily tear the marriage apart.

    Women, unlike men, can’t compartmentalize behavior as well. So past experience stick with them much more readily, especially in a highly charged emotional state that comes with sex. Probably why fornication is so damaging for women.

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  7. Jack says:

    “Here’s a problem. The non-virgin risks losing emotional connection inherent in sex. That means her desire for/enjoyment of sex is completely dependent on her raw attraction to her husband and the problem with female hypergamic-visceral-attraction. So, my comments here about women being marginally attracted or not attracted to their beta hubby and the resulting problems from lack of sex or coldfish “duty” sex given resentfully.”

    This inability to bond is the root of the Alpha Widow Syndrome. This is why women with more sexperience always think they should have top quality men — because only those men can induce the raw attraction that would make sex without the emotional bonding a satisfying experience.

  8. @ Jack

    This inability to bond is the root of the Alpha Widow Syndrome. This is why women with more sexperience always think they should have top quality men — because only those men can induce the raw attraction that would make sex without the emotional bonding a satisfying experience.

    Good point. And it becomes a more narcissistic experience as she can only be validated by very attractive men.

    Too much narcissism typically kills any chance for humility and repentance and change of behavior. You typically see the alpha widows pining for their alpha until they die.

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