Interestingly, fake it til you make it was one of the first posts I made on this blog when I started blogging in 2012. I still stand by that post in terms of faith, but I wanted to take things deeper into scenarios where I think people are using it incorrectly.
When men/husbands start trying to exhibit leadership in marriage they feel like they’re trying to “fake it ’til they make it.” I think this is the wrong thing to consider it.
If we think about learning a new sport or martial art, everything is going to feel awkward and uncomfortable at first. It’s only through repetition of the movements and learning the various techniques of the sports or disciplines that things start to feel more natural.
For those that have rescinded leadership (e.g. drunk captain) or never had leadership in the first place (e.g. egalitaratians, feminists, “she’s the boss” and “she’s my better half” complementarians) and have fallen into an inverted roles relationship or marriage starting to change the dynamic by acting as the leader is going to feel foreign. One guy I was talking to the other day said it felt like he was LARPing his way with his wife even though she was responding beautifully to his new leadership — respectful, submissive, and wanted lots more sex.
In general, let us not equate feeling uncomfortable or awkward with faking it or LARPing. One can be doing a good or bad job when starting to lead, but each will still probably feel uncomfortable or awkward anyway. One must embrace these feelings because it is normal. You’re doing something that you’re not used to doing. However, you’re not faking it. You’re literally obeying God, and that’s a good thing. It’s just a new skill you’re developing and that’s going to feel uncomfortable as you’re learning it.
The biggest thing to continually lead and learn from the mistakes that you make if any and continue to fulfill the position that God has placed for the husband in marriage. Yes, over time it will become less awkward and less uncomfortable. You will start to build good habits in conjunction with this. But it is a process that you have to go through like with learning any new skill. There’s going to be speed bumps and you’re probably going to feel like an imposter at times.
However, let’s not confuse learning new skills like leadership with faking it. Embrace the discomfort of new situations. Don’t let feelings dictate the way you approach doing what God has called you to do.