Christians’ weird double standards around relationships, marriage, and sex

I’ve been ruminating on this topic in my thoughts recently. I’m not talking about the double standards in regard to men and women either, although that is certainly prevalent throughout the Church and culture. Men are held to a higher standard of behavior, crapped on more by society, demonized for being male or masculine, and such.

What I am talking about is the advice given or not given when these topics are approached.

For example, if I were to ask a fellow Christian about how I can get closer to God and grow in my relationship with Him I would be given direct actionable advice on this:

  • Read the Bible
  • Pray
  • Meditate on the Word
  • Fasting
  • Love and serve others in your daily life and through ministries at Church
  • Utilize your spiritual gifts for the Kingdom
  • Be ready to tell of the hope that you have in Christ (e.g. preach the gospel)
  • Help those in need
  • Be kind and generous to everyone

Lots of actionable ways to help a new or less mature Christian to grow stronger in their faith.

But when you broach the topic of relationships, marriage, or sex all you get is wishy-washy or totally ignorant or even totally wrong answers.

Why don’t women like me?

  • “Just be yourself,”
  • “Everything in God’s timing,”
  • “Have you considered that you might have the gift of celibacy?”

This is the type of stuff that really annoys me off nowadays.

Yeah, these topics can be uncomfortable to talk about, but who is going to help Christian men if not other Christian men? You don’t want them to be getting the most useful advice from the world which can easily lead them down the road of condemning their soul to hell.

Why are we so afraid of talking about the truth of men and women?

End rant.

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13 Responses to Christians’ weird double standards around relationships, marriage, and sex

  1. thedeti says:

    Why are we so afraid of talking about the truth of men and women?

    You know why.

    Because the Zippy Catholics of the world tell us quite pointedly that it’s not the Church’s job to teach men about dating, mating, coupling, sex, relationships, and marriage. It’s not the Church’s job to teach you how to deal with girls, Zippy intoned. It’s the Church’s job to preach the Gospel and administer the Sacraments, and that’s it.

    Because according to women in the Church and their sycophant male accomplices, Christian men are supposed to be “above” this sort of thing. Christian men are supposed to have “higher natures” than base, vulgar, boorish, rude, and unrefined nonChristian men. (Except that Christian women really really love meeting up with said base, vulgar, boorish, rude, and unrefined nonChristian men, but hey, what do I know?) And if a man wants sex, then he’s not where he needs to be, he’s not in tune with his “higher nature”, he “needs to check his heart” and “he’s not a real Christian”. (People in church really do believe this – if you’re a man who wants sex, then you’re not really a Christian, you’re “acting in the flesh” and you are damned to hell. If you want sex, you’re not “filled with the Holy Spirit” because if you were, you would not desire sex.)

    Because Christian men are viewed as unattractive. Unattractive men are not supposed to want sex. Because women don’t want to think about unattractive men wanting sex. Because “ewwww gross” and “r@p3”.

  2. thedeti says:

    I would also point out that when Christian women talk about relationships, marriage, and sex, they say things like, and are given advice like:

    –This might be your season of singleness
    –I have a gift of singleness/celibacy
    –I’m the pearl of great price
    –I am a Daughter of the King
    –God has The One for me out there somewhere

    Then, when they continue to fail, they just go find attractive men outside the Church and have sex with them.

    Christian men really try to follow advice they’re given, and keep trying.

    Christian women know the advice they’re given is wrong, so they don’t follow it, and do what they want – they fornicate with attractive men.

  3. RICanuck says:

    It is the churches’ job to teach sex and marriage, but they do it poorly.

    Should pastors preach thou shalt nots? No cohabitation, no fornication, no pron (looking you betas in the pews!), no fantasizing about the girl in the short shorts going up to give her testimony (Protestant) or going up to receive Communion (Catholic). Maybe, but accusatory preaching is usually counterproductive. Most pastors are terrified to criticize the sexual sins of their Christians.

    IMHO, what should be preached is the following:

    In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth. He created man, male and female he created them, and charged them to become as one flesh, and populate the world. He said that it was good. Did Adam and Eve have intimate relations before the fall? They must have, because before the original sin they walked with God and followed his commandments, which included becoming one flesh. Did they enjoy it? Probably, because those without sin can carry out God’s desires joyfully. I highly doubt that intimacy between Adam and Eve was a drudgery.

    Then came the fall, through the free will of our first ancestors. Nature turned against man. Adam’s fields gave thorns as well as fruit. The gift of intimacy intended to bind man and woman into one flesh was also subject to corruption and misuse.

    But God did not abandon sex as his gift to his creatures. Jacob worked for seven years for Rachel. (and got rooked, but that’s another story). God’s revealed word includes The Song of Solomon. Proverbs teaches us to cling to the wife of our youth and may her breasts be a source of joy all the days of our lives.

    Then came the Incarnation of Jesus, God the Son.

    Jesus condemned divorce, despite being allowed under the Old Testament. St. Paul in Ephesians and Colossians commanded wives to respect and submit to their husbands as the Church submits to Christ. He also commanded husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Marriage is exists on its own, but also as a metaphor of Christ and the church. St. Paul also told husbands and wives to not defraud one another sexually.

    Biochemistry has demonstrated that the hormone oxytocin produces bonding between individuals and groups. Women get a big rush of oxytocin while nursing. This bonds them to their infants. Men receive a big rush of oxtocin during orgasm with a willing partner. This bonds them to their wives. The more often and enthusiastically with the same woman the closer he feels to her. Her beauty does not diminish with age. Other women become less attractive. It is easy to not notice the girl in the short shorts if the husband has recent happy memories.

    For those who say it is unchristian to want physical intimacy, I say that those who say that, blaspheme. The deny God’s creative power in creating the material and spiritual universe, which includes biochemistry, They are to be condemned.

    For those who are sexually loose, they also blaspheme. It is not that God hates sex, in the beginning he said it was good. But sex outside of marriage is not the metaphor of the church’s submission to Christ, and Christ’s love for the church. The church cannot swing from Jesus to Jesus, and Jesus cannot swing from church to church.

  4. Jack says:

    The advice about growing in faith is standard fare Christianity, but the advice about relationships intentionally avoids taking a Christian approach because it’s messy. Between Deti’s and RICanuck’s comments, we can see a contrast of the current teaching on relationships vs. how it should be. Yes, we could call this a double standard, but I would say it’s more of a failure to acknowledge Jesus in the flesh, as RICanuck described as blasphemy. This is exactly why so many men in the church are weak in faith (Lastmod for example).

  5. RICanuck says:

    Let’s not pick on LastMod too much. Life experience has left him with a lot of bitterness and rage. His lack of success with women, early life, addiction, and the exploitation he suffered with the SA.

    I’ve been there with the bitterness and rage, and the temptation is always there.

    He complains of a lack of male friends, but I am sure his bitterness drives the potential bros away. He’s going to have to come out of that pit in his own time and his own way.

  6. Sun River says:

    I don’t attend church. I grew up Catholic. I didn’t understand church growing up, and it depresses me, not because I can’t tolerate hearing about my mistakes and putting in hard work to be better, but because it makes me feel disconnected from others and lonely.

    We didn’t learn anything about relationships beyond divorce being wrong, and not having sex outside of marriage.

    I wonder if there was an assumption that everything would just work out if you were a Christian. I felt that way about my public education. I thought if I did all the studying and listened to my teachers, I would likely have a good career, family, and future. I knew it wasn’t a 100% guarantee since disasters and health events can happen, but I thought the education system had figured out what you need to know in life. I didn’t understand some of the things they taught were time-wasting, and others were actually harmful and I would need to unlearn them later.

    I didn’t know what feminism was until college. I look back at college and feel like my mind was abused by feminists teachers. I never thought of myself as a feminist because I saw them as men hating hypocrites. Yet looking back I realized I still let them harm my thoughts, and let them push me around. People tell me I’m a nice person. I thought of the best of people, and had a hard time understanding others don’t think that way about me. I now understand I must avoid these women, and practice loving from a distance.

    I also encountered hypergamy without understanding it. I thought if I was nice, that was enough. In my defense, I had some health problems that made everything more difficult.

    I have read a lot of information about men and women since, and it is quite a lot of work which most people can’t or won’t do.

  7. @ thedeti

    Yeah, it was somewhat of a rhetorical question as we already know a lot of the reasons why. Don’t make it right though which is frustrating.

  8. Sun River says:

    I normally don’t listen to celebrity gossip, but I saw a TV performance by Adele that had interview segments with Oprah throughout. Adele recently had a child, and divorced her husband. She told Oprah the reason was not due to infidelity or either of them hurting the other, but that she was not happy, in love with her husband, she wanted to do other things in life, she needed to find herself, and she needed her son to see her happy. It was all very wishy-washy. The first single from her new album is about how she knows her son will be “furious” that she broke her family for selfish reasons, and she is asking for forgiveness, yet she still seems to think she is right. She seems really conflicted, battling the natural feelings verses what culture is telling her.

    I bring this up because both Adele and Oprah are two of the most well known women in the world, and will have an influence on other women.

    “During the interview, Winfrey said she thinks women are going to feel “liberated” by Adele choosing to leave a marriage that wasn’t working, rather than stick it out only for her child. “I’ve read where you said you weren’t miserable, but you also knew you weren’t happy,” Winfrey said. “And so you wanted to bring a happy version of yourself to your son. Which I think is about the best gift anybody can give to their children.”

    Adele said she still loves her ex-husband, charity executive Simon Konecki, but shortly after they married in 2018, she had the difficult realization that she was just “plodding along” instead of living life. They separated soon after and officially divorced this year.

    …Although she’s glad Angelo now sees her in a much better place, she has always been fixated on the idea of a nuclear family after her childhood, and feels an extreme amount of guilt.

    “I’m still not fully over it, of me choosing to dismantle my child’s life for my own — it makes me very uncomfortable,” Adele said. She hopes her son will understand her painful choice someday.

    “I never questioned whether I’d made a bad decision,” she later added. “But it was just like — maybe it would have been better had I just kept my mouth shut, you know? … Just in terms of hurting two people that I love the most in the world.”” https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/the-four-most-personal-revelations-from-oprah-e2-80-99s-interview-with-adele-from-her-divorce-to-weight-loss-to-new-boyfriend/ar-AAQIhd1

  9. Maniac says:

    If there’s anything good that came from Adele’s divorce, it was the fact that she wound up paying out the ass for alimony for a change. Of course, Feminists were outraged.

  10. feeriker says:

    Churchians –as opposed to true Christians, who wouldn’t be affected by this– don’t give useful advice or counsel on anything, spiritual or carnal. Giving advice or counsel, especially the biblical kind, means … well, knowing the Bible, which is not exactly most churchians’ long suit. Additionally, giving useful advice entails actually caring about the person asking for the advice or counsel, and as we know, most churchians can’t even be bothered to learn the names of the people they warm pews with on Sunday mornings, let alone feel any empathy with them. To be brutally frank and honest, I can’t think of a single self-professed Christian in meat space I know whom I can count on for solid biblical advice or counsel on anything. I’d probably get better results if I were to just scrawl a request for advice on a random graffiti-covered wall and come back in a month to see if anyone answered.

    And never, EVER underestimate the grip that pure old-fashioned SLOTH AND APATHY hold on most people, especially churchians. This is another answer to the question DS poses.

  11. Oscar says:

    @ RICanuck

    Should pastors preach thou shalt nots? No cohabitation, no fornication, no pron (looking you betas in the pews!), no fantasizing about the girl in the short shorts going up to give her testimony (Protestant) or going up to receive Communion (Catholic). Maybe, but accusatory preaching is usually counterproductive.

    That’s false. If “accusatory preaching” really was “usually counterproductive”, the Bible wouldn’t have so much of it. Jesus did it (and, no, it wasn’t just against the Pharisees), the Apostles did it, and commanded their disciples to do it, John the Baptist did it, all the Old Testament prophets did it.

    All those men, however, also preached a lot of instructive, and encouraging sermons. They used the carrot, and the stick. Concerning men’s sexuality, the modern Church is all stick and no carrot, as Deti frequently points out.

    The Bible includes an entire book devoted exclusively to practical, actionable advice, including advice about women. But modern Christians are so afraid of offending women, that they can’t bring themselves to give such a man to foolish, ignorant young men, and send them into the world completely unprepared. Which brings me to…

    Most pastors are terrified to criticize the sexual sins of their Christians.

    This is also false. Most pastors are terrified to criticize the sexual sins of women. They have no problem criticizing the sexual sins of men, especially porn. Hell, they even blame women’s sexual sins on men.

  12. @ Oscar

    That’s false. If “accusatory preaching” really was “usually counterproductive”, the Bible wouldn’t have so much of it. Jesus did it (and, no, it wasn’t just against the Pharisees), the Apostles did it, and commanded their disciples to do it, John the Baptist did it, all the Old Testament prophets did it.

    Yeah, the big thing that is missed isn’t the accusatory preaching but the instructive content that is missing.

    Jesus’ sermon on the mount has many of the “you have heard it said… but I tell you” which goes over what they were doing which is wrong but He includes what they actually should be doing.

    Most modern Church preaching is either (1) accusatory without any good actionable advice OR (2) the actionable advice is for itching ears and not the Truth.

  13. Oscar says:

    It just occurred to me that Jeremiah is the most “doom and gloom” prophet in the entire Bible, and with good reason. And yet, one of the most encouraging chapters of the Bible is Jeremiah 29. Even Jeremiah – the weeping prophet who ministered to a depraved, degenerated Judah, who brought on themselves the worst judgment in Jewish history before 70 AD – took the time to encourage the people who were willing to listen.

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