Intuitive heuristics revisited: Be THE man

To summarize from the previous post.

  • Don’t be a man… in your relationship
  • Don’t be the man… in your relationship.
  • Be THE man… in your relationship.

The punctuation and emphasis matters. It matters a lot. In fact, I bet most of my readers can implicitly understand what the above statement means without even looking at the explanations.

Let me explain anyway.

  1. If you’re just “a” man in your relationship, there’s no ownership of the relationship. You’re setting yourself adrift in the relationship. There’s no purpose. This, unfortunately, is one of the many factors of why women are serially monogamous (e.g. relationship hoppers). They try to trade up because if there is only “a” man then he is simply a temporary  placeholder.
  2. If you’re trying to be the “man” in the relationship, you’re asking for permission from her to be the “man.” You don’t need permission to be the “man” in the relationship because you are given that position from God. See: Eph 5, Col 3, 1 Cor 11, Tit 2, 1 Pet 3.
  3. If you know you are THE man, then you know you are the chosen one for the job. There’s confidence, swagger, and ambition. You can take on the world with her by your side. You are the rock and leader of the relationship. You are respected. She is submissive to you. If she steps out of line then you gently call her out on it.

Women don’t want “a” man. Nor do women want the “man.” Women want THE man.

Donal gave another good analogy in the comments. This is a frame mindset which flows to the rest of the relationship. Emphasis matters.

*STAR WARS spoiler warning*

You can see this same feature- the importance of emphasis- in The Empire Strikes Back.

When Darth Vader reveals to Luke Skywalker that he is Luke’s father, he doesn’t say it like this:

“I am your FATHER.”

Or like this:

“I AM your father.”

Rather, it is done like this:

I am your father.”

The emphasis is on him, on Vader, on the metal monstrosity that Luke’s father had become. This kept the frame solely on Vader, and gave him the power position in that dialogue.

When you are THE man, then the frame of the relationship is centered on you. You have the power. And as I’ve argued before, when you have the power, women will be drawn to you like moths to the flame.

There’s a another important one that can be added to this.

  • Don’t BE the man… in your relationship. This is the faux masculinity where it’s forced, and it feels like false machismo. You don’t have to BE the man and force stuff or try to impress women. It should come from your character and who you are.

To summarize the new ones:

  • Don’t BE the man… in your relationship — you don’t need to have false bravado or try to impress.
  • Don’t be A man… in your relationship — there is no ownership. Take ownership.
  • Don’t be the MAN… in your relationship — no need to ask for her permission to lead 
  • Be THE man… in your relationship — it comes from who God made you to be in the role

I also think there are probably some others, but due to the format I’m kinda blanking out identifying them for now.

In general, like with salvation and peace and joy with God, being comfortable with being THE man and all that it entails (both the role and responsibility) there is also peace and joy and satisfaction with that in marriage. If you don’t have that, it’s worth exploring and trying to identify why that is the case and possibly rooting out any insecurities. 

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2 Responses to Intuitive heuristics revisited: Be THE man

  1. professorGBFMtm2021 says:

    THIS is my favourite post of yours ever ,D.S.! ”Don’t BE the man… in your relationship. This is the faux masculinity where it’s forced, and it feels like false machismo. You don’t have to BE the man and force stuff or try to impress women. It should come from your character and who you are.”
    Your getting to the HEART of GBFM GAME here dude!

    In the past GBFM&many others said that the government was trying to be women’s ”real” husband,
    Which we had to fight many feminists&churchians over!Especialy between 2011-2016!
    Your right about everything in this post!
    ”In general, like with salvation and peace and joy with God, being comfortable with being THE man and all that it entails (both the role and responsibility) there is also peace and joy and satisfaction with that in marriage. If you don’t have that, it’s worth exploring and trying to identify why that is the case and possibly rooting out any insecurities.”
    YEP!

  2. Sharkly says:

    I’ll just point out that even if you are divinely enabled to always “Be THE man… in your relationship”, and to be so with divine perfection, that is still zero guarantee that your bride will ever respond appropriately. Consider the longstanding unfaithfulness of Hosea’s and Jesus Christ’s whoring brides. Both Jesus Christ and Hosea loved their bride as God loves, and their brides both went continually whoring after others. To “Be THE man… in your relationship” will guarantee you nothing as far as your wife’s response towards you. You have to “Be THE man… in your relationship” because being the image of Christ in your relationship will come with great eternal reward, not because blameless living guarantees you anything besides diabolical persecution in the present.

    1 Timothy 3:12 Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.

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