If you are not interested in having sex when your spouse wants sex then don’t get married

Reemphasized with bold: If you are not interested in having sex when your spouse wants sex then don’t get married.

This applies mostly to women but also to some men since typically men have the stronger sex drive.

1 Corinthians 7:3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Not only is this God’s command as a marital responsibility, but it is important to practicing the Christian faith: meeting others needs and loving others as you love yourself. You don’t want to be denied sex when you want it, so why would you deny your spouse? Be gracious and giving.

By being frigid it’s its own kind of hell. The enemy wants us to have sex outside of marriage and not have any in marriage because it’s contrary to God’s design. The more people that can be hurt the better. Sex is one of the amazing things about marriage and there should be no limits or overt or covert contracts on it. Give freely and enthusiastically and make yourself love it.

It’s not a secret that marriage issues generally improve as the husband and wife are closer. It’s unity. And as always, counterintuitively the right thing to do is the hardest which is to overcome the feelings and have sex. Faith and love requires that we do things even when we don’t want to.

This cannot be anymore plainly stated, and it’s what I’ve started doing when singles and those in relationships come up to me for pre-marriage or marriage advice.

You must ask these questions before marriage to your potential spouse and closely look at their reaction. Are they just saying what they think you want to hear? Do they believe it and want to honor God and you? How enthusiastic are they about overcoming their feelings to do the right thing?

Stop depriving each other.

This entry was posted in Godly mindset & lifestyle and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to If you are not interested in having sex when your spouse wants sex then don’t get married

  1. cameron232 says:

    It’s hard to imagine this being a problem for men and it’s hard to imagine it being a matter of feeling for men. You’d think the common cause for men would be impotence or maybe cases where the wife gains a VERY large amount of weight.

    I’m not a woman but my impression is having sex with a man they’re not attracted to is very traumatic excepting broken women like prostitutes.

  2. Hoyos says:

    By way of a disclaimer, pray and ask for wisdom and guidance from God. Sexuality can cause immense suffering if misused, and I’m just spit balling here and can be wrong.

    This can be a complex issue. There’s a Ted talk which I need to find again where this psychologist actually says some things that make sense regarding sex in marriage. For example, many people, largely women but I don’t think men are exempt, don’t feel sexual until they act sexual. In other words they don’t have spontaneous sexual desire that often if at all but if they act sexually, the body “wakes up” and it’s fine.

    What makes this challenging is I think men and women need to take control of their sexuality, accept that it’s not just a spontaneous desire but also has an element of choice and will. You can’t exactly control your body’s responses, but you can control your attitudes and actions. Of course the natural tendency is that men need to cool down and show more temperate attitudes, and women in general need to warm up.

    This requires a more adult attitude from men and women both. On the female side, stop viewing your sexuality as something totally outside your influence. It’s not just actions it’s attitude and a willingness to see that men are different. Lack of sex can cause actual physical suffering on your husbands part. It doesn’t make him some kind of monster that he wants to have sex with you. If you don’t want to have sex with him, see if there’s anything you can do in attitude and action that might help. Don’t just expect it to magically occur without you doing anything,

    On the other side men have to show more maturity regarding sex as well. It’s not about what your wife may owe you. It’s also your responsibility to make yourself more attractive on her terms, seeing that she’s different. I think that’s part of the positive growth a good marriage can occasion, crossing the bridge between the sexes. Some men have talked themselves into truly monstrous attitudes like justifying marital rape (“taking what you’re owed”), or that porn is justified if you’re “not getting any at home”. The problem here is lust overwhelming your mind. Unfulfilled sexual desire might be uncomfortable, but unless you let your imagination run away with you, the temptation doesn’t last forever and your body isn’t hurt by chastity.

    In short do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

  3. @ Hoyos

    By way of a disclaimer, pray and ask for wisdom and guidance from God. Sexuality can cause immense suffering if misused, and I’m just spit balling here and can be wrong.

    Some good observations.

    Generally, sexuality between men and women is different. Women tend to be turned on being desired by a man while men tend to be turned on by desiring said women. Attractive to each other of course.

    I hate the stupid slow cooker analogy because it makes it seem like women take a while to get revved up for sex. In reality, a man should be expressing sexuality to his wife throughout the day and leading in a way that facilitates sex. For instance, a text or note of something like:

    “Dress up in X lingerie by 7 PM. Can’t wait to run my hands all over your body”

    That type of stuff is generally very stimulating to a woman’s imagination and being the object of desire and will have them in anticipation of the night’s activities.

    As I’ve discussed on the blog before, bodice rippers and 50 shades of gray are basically female porn. The men are always what we note as attractive: handsome, muscular, charming, charismatic leaders and successful. They also lead and then “possess” their woman as theirs so to speak which men could use more aggressiveness and leading like the above type of scenario.

    The problem with most relationships is that if you have the egalitarian or complemententarian (both wrong) models then you’re basically like a friend to her all day instead of acting as the head. Well, no women has sex with friends (friend zone) so you’ve basically put yourself into roommate status instead of being the husband.

    Be the role of the husband and express your desire for your wife and both of you work on attractiveness and usually things come together.

    You are correct there are steps women should be taking as well. Women are not the victims.

  4. Maniac says:

    Our faith forbids extramarital sex, which could potentially lead to a problem: what if the man or woman save themselves for marriage and then winds up not liking it? Sexual compatability is real.

  5. fuzziewuzziebear says:

    This is a real problem and men see it as, once the woman is secure in the marriage, sex is less frequent and dwindles to her pace, while he is frustrated. It gets so obvious that kids can see it. Dalrock’s kids noted that their parents talk to each other while eating breakfast in a restaurant. Other married couples were silent.

  6. feeriker says:

    I’ll be blunt here: using Scripture to remind a wife of her obligations to her husband is a pointless move in most cases. It’s not a matter of her ignorance of Scripture, nor of her being unaware of her sin. She full well knows what she’s doing (and almost certainly is well familiar with the relevant verses), but she doesn’t care. Since God hasn’t tangibly punished her in any way (and since both spiritual and temporal authority egg her on in her sinful ways, or at the very least condone them), she doesn’t fear any repercussions for her behavior. In this sense women are very much like little children; they will persist in their wicked ways unless and until they face immediate, tangible, and painful punishment.

    There is no effective remedy here, unless either the wife’s mood changes, or the Holy Spirit convicts her and leads her to repent. Any temporal remedies employed in times past will land a husband in jail today, so effectively have the forces of the prince of darkness been employed to rob husbands of what God has proclaimed as rightfully theirs. Just about the only practical option a husband has left is extreme Dread Game, which, while often very effective in the long run, is also a very dangerous weapon that can have sinful and destructive consequences for both spouses.

    Such is the state of “Christian” marriage today, which is in a state of collapse as pronounced as that of the church which should be its most effective defender.

  7. @ fuzzie

    This is a real problem and men see it as, once the woman is secure in the marriage, sex is less frequent and dwindles to her pace, while he is frustrated. It gets so obvious that kids can see it. Dalrock’s kids noted that their parents talk to each other while eating breakfast in a restaurant. Other married couples were silent.

    This is why RPChristians encourages the FAST model. Faithful, available, saved, teachable.

    The T for teachable being the most important after the other criteria are met. If she’s not interested in following God then she won’t be interested in following you. But if she is teachable and can repent from her mistakes then you have a solid change of teaching how to obey God, even when her feelings may not agree. These are the wives who won’t deny their husbands.

    Not saying it’s easy, but there are wives out there like that.

  8. @ feeriker

    I’ll be blunt here: using Scripture to remind a wife of her obligations to her husband is a pointless move in most cases. It’s not a matter of her ignorance of Scripture, nor of her being unaware of her sin. She full well knows what she’s doing (and almost certainly is well familiar with the relevant verses), but she doesn’t care. Since God hasn’t tangibly punished her in any way (and since both spiritual and temporal authority egg her on in her sinful ways, or at the very least condone them), she doesn’t fear any repercussions for her behavior. In this sense women are very much like little children; they will persist in their wicked ways unless and until they face immediate, tangible, and painful punishment.

    This depends on the circumstances. i discussed that in this post:

    https://deepstrength.wordpress.com/2021/12/20/trust-is-earned-and-an-expression-of-the-character-of-godliness/

    Obviously, a wife who is respectful and submissive even when it is difficult is much easier to trust than one who is disrespectful and rebellious. But there are many different steps that it takes to get there. For instance,

    1. A wife who is disrespectful and rebellious according to her own whims
    2. A wife who knows what is right but can be disrespectful and rebellious when things get tough for her
    3. A wife who knows what is right but has developed greater self control and perseverance but sometimes slips up when things are tough
    4. A wife who knows what is right and it’s rare that she’s disrespectful and rebellious

    There can be many in between with these circumstances like how she responds to teaching, correction, or rebuke for good or for evil. You could probably make another whole list or expand this one to 8-9 bullet points with these.

    However, the point is that if you and your wife are a Christian and actively wanting to obey God and His Biblical roles and responsibilities, the sanctification process will be gradual over time in most cases and it is a process. This process is cultivated step by step and large jumps though they can happen tend to be unlikely since unlearning ingrained sinfulness is difficult.

    A wife that is further along the sanctification spectrum (usually 3-4) will respond to Biblical correction and teaching. A wife that is in 1-2 generally will not.

    There is no effective remedy here, unless either the wife’s mood changes, or the Holy Spirit convicts her and leads her to repent. Any temporal remedies employed in times past will land a husband in jail today, so effectively have the forces of the prince of darkness been employed to rob husbands of what God has proclaimed as rightfully theirs. Just about the only practical option a husband has left is extreme Dread Game, which, while often very effective in the long run, is also a very dangerous weapon that can have sinful and destructive consequences for both spouses.

    Disagree.

    I’ve talked about the effective strategies before which are to do what you should be doing with Biblical marital roles and responsibilities.

    Start with yourself focusing on mission for God, get in shape and muscular, disciplined and consistent in all the areas of life (spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally, etc.). It’s akin to taking the log out of your own eye before addressing the speck in another’s.

    The big part of this is to stop focusing on your wife so much (focusing on her and her feelings is basically idolization – her feelings or want to or not to have sex are ruling your life) and focus on serving God.

    God can use this to influence your wife in a good manner.

    Does it always work? No. Sometimes a wife will still want to rebel and even leave. That’s OK. Jesus had disciples leave him before (e.g. John 6).

    Will it work a lot? Yes, at least from what we’ve seen in RPChristians the Discord.

    One of the leaders of RPChristians had a dead bedroom for 3 years. His wife admitted that she was NEVER attracted to him. Her parents told her to find the godliest man she could and marry him. He was able to turn things around from one of the worse positions I’ve seen by focusing not on his wife but on obeying God.

  9. fuzziewuzziebear says:

    Deep Strength,
    I’ll take it on faith that you’re right. However, we are talking about a very small minority who have not been poisoned by the culture. Then, when I find her, we have to be mutually attracted.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s