Jack has been going on a good tear recently with:
- Sexual authority and sanctification
- It’s too easy to blame everything on feminism
- Headship authority takes work
Let me go over some thoughts I had on these.
Sexual authority and sanctification
The fulfillment of sexual authority that a husband or wife has over their spouse is an ideal for the married person to strive after. Done well, this should usher in sanctification and God’s glory in the marriage. To some, it will come naturally. To most, they will have to make a diligent effort to be obedient to God in order to attain a state of sanctification. Too many will neglect this marital duty altogether, and reap the bitter consequences thereof.
Sexual authority is an interesting term. Don’t love it as it’s not intuitive, but I think the concept is sound.
One thing I think most men don’t get with “sexual authority” is that it’s harder to learn. The “not about the nail” tends to be a fundamental misunderstanding of men to grasp how to be dominant toward women in a way that increases sexual desire.
We know that men can increase their sexual attractiveness through various traits such as PSALM (power, status, athleticism, looks, money) as well as headship/leadership and masculinity. This is the first step — be attractive. However, seduction of a wife is based on dominating her both physically and mentally and making her feel like the object of desire (of an attractive man).
If we think back to most women’s porn (50 shades of gray, etc.) it’s the handsome, muscular, confident, rich, assertive leader who selects that “one woman to make her feel special” and then dominates her life. That’s the fantasy. Yet to get from fantasy to reality requires skills that most men aren’t taught (and will never be taught) and tend to be more obscure in nature. Improving attractive traits has been well covered by the ‘sphere and other places, but seduction itself tends to be harder to teach and thus not as well taught as sexual attraction.
I’d say the hardest part about seduction that I think most men will never be able to truly grasp is being socially dominant over women. Women from a young age basically are taught to be pros at verbally sparring, backstabbing, socially manipulating things, and so on, so it’s any wonder why women always run circles around men in the verbal dominance circle. Yet to truly seduce a woman you need to dominate her mind.
Fortunately, the masculine shortcut at this is physical dominance which is much easier to display, which is why packing on the muscle and working out is a must. A man must be able to pick up his wife and softly or roughly man handle her. The literal sweep her off her feet to kiss her. Pin her against a wall and take a kiss and end it abruptly. Leave her wanting more. These types of things can get you most of the way there by increasing the polarity of the masculine-feminine dynamic especially in the bedroom.
But back to the nail on the head, getting into arguments is by nature not leading or being the head, so these things will inevitably be turnoffs. Most men can’t win with the verbal spar of words, so by proxy we have a situation where the husband gets dominated by his wife in an argument. Not only did he fail to lead but he got crushed in the war of words which her hypergamy hates. Big sexual attraction turn off. Only way to win is not to play that game in the first place.
Maybe I can elaborate more in another post if people want more discussion on this.
It’s too easy to blame everything on feminism
So instead of quarrelling about which came first, the chicken or the egg, eventually, we’re going to have to stop ascribing such overwhelming power to Feminism in the abstract, and start picking apart the tacks and threads that hold it all together. In practice, we should start engaging in some brinkmanship with those who are limited by their need of a rhetorical catharsis and those who presume Feminism will continue to be the overriding norm to which all others have to bow.
Largely, I think this goes back to my 4 areas of responsibility in marriage.
- Men have a responsibility for their own actions
- Men have a responsibility for how they influence their wives
- Women have a responsibility for their own actions
- Women have a responsibility for how they influence their husbands
In the case of feminism, let’s say the “woman” in this scenario represents that. Yes, that woman/feminism has a negative influence on the man, but the man still has a responsibility for his own actions and how he influences others. So all in all I don’t see anything wrong with subscribing some blame to “sin,” but that blame should not absolve anyone from continuing to do what is right in their lives.
Headship authority takes work
I found the comments to be the most instructive.
The answer to your questions about how a patriarch would handle certain situations actually starts with mindset, and that mindset is highly offensive to modern sensibilities. It’s part of what men used to express in male only spaces, but now is what we must think but not say out loud, but I’m feeling good because it’s Friday stateside, so here it goes … in writing.
Every husband needs to understand that in order to do his job as a husband he must think of his wife as the most responsible teenager in the household. When a husband thinks of his wife as his equal in authority bad outcomes abound, very similar to when a child is treated like an equal instead of setting boundaries for them and holding them to the standards you set.
Your traffic violation hypothetical is close to reality for me, except instead of violations the issue is accidents. Mrs. Apostle has had an accident in every car she’s ever had over the past 25 years and has even wrecked 2 of mine. In total she’s been involved in 8 accidents, 3 of which totaled vehicles, 2 others came very very close to being total losses and has resulted in over 100k in liability because 2 of the other drivers were injured.
So what was I to do with my wife’s abysmal driving? To start, we had a month-long argument 2 years ago over who was going to be the driver of the more expensive car. I held my ground and used the insurance money from her wreck to get myself the newer vehicle and gave her the older one I’d been driving, which she then wrecked. We lucked out and found a well maintained 10 year old Toyota for her for under $10k. That’s the limit I’m willing to risk on her driving and I’ve placed strict limits on phone use and other areas of driving that she needs to improve on. Her main issues are focus and attention, which is what I’ve tried to make her correct.
Time will tell if she complies, but if she messes up again she’ll be in a purely functional junker that we can send to the scrap yard if anything goes wrong. The other implications are that she is working extra cases to cover the increased insurance costs and she is not allowed to drive my Tundra or Land Cruiser.
My wife is a middle aged woman with 2 graduate degrees who finished with a 4.0 GPA. She is highly capable of focus and attention to detail when she chooses to put her mind to a task. She merely has to feel like attentive driving is very important to her, which, based on her history, means it is up to me to make her feel that attentive driving is important. Hence, my mindset that she’s the most responsible teenager in my household. Thinking otherwise puts my family at risk.
(There are other quite applicable examples of how this mindset applies, but the driving is the easiest example to give.)
The mindset is one of husband being the “responsible” one, setting boundaries, and then holding to them. If the husband has made a decision and set a boundary, then he needs to keep to them.
Not to steal RPA’s thunder, so I’m going to put this under here.
Mrs. deti is a capable, efficient, hard worker who can think rationally when she wants to. Her one area of irresponsibility is her emotions. She is highly emotionally overreactive. Her negative emotions run out of control. She can be overcome with fear, anger, rage, or despair. She has routinely injured her relationships with others with her emotional overreactions, worst of all me.
When this is pointed out to her, she does better. But this is one of her weaknesses and faults. This is one area she struggles in. The only things that seem to improve it are her constant mindfulness and being reminded by me of boundaries I’ve set for her in her treatment of me and our son. Those boundaries have to be constantly manned and defended.
Not to steal deti’s thunder, Mrs. Boomer’s area is spending money, not in a reckless spendthrift way, but in a “Hubby’s got the budget, not my area of responsibility” kind of way. When she goes out of town for an errand or two, it seems she can’t just make one or two stops to get stuff, but three or four. And when she has her 78 year old, dementia addled mother that lives with us, it seems to always have to include a food stop along the way. We recently got a puppy, so extra stops to get stuff for the pup, are the “errands du jour.”
She knows I’m on top of the budget, and that I’ll “figure it all out,” but try as I may, I haven’t been able to get her to be more aware exactly WHAT the effect is on our budget. For example, last month I budgeted $500 for the pets, because we had vet expenses. When all was said and done for the month, we’d spent $800 on the pets. The extra three hundred had to be shifted from another area of the budget, or come out of savings. Fortunately, I had no car maintenance in July, so that line item on the budget compensated for the pet’s over spending.
I’m not super complaining here because I’m sure some guys have wives who MINDLESSLY spend money, i.e. with no relation to the family budget at all, aka budget busters; my wife just seems to think, “We need this, or the pup needs this”, so hubby over there will just have to figure it out.
She used to do this with her spending money line item in the budget, however after about two or three months of me, the Patriarch, showing her proof that she busted her spending money budget every single month, she finally got that under control. The point is, I had to show her this until she finally got it; got it like in, “Oh yeah, I see it now. Okay, I’ll watch it closely.” She did for about six months, then I noticed it starting to creep back in, so back on went my Patriarchal hat and she’s reigning it back in, but not at first without a bit of a snarky attitude about it. I gave her the old “Patriarchal stare” when she snarked at me, and she got the message.
Here’s the thing gents, my wife’s not real bad about her spending, she’s actually, from the stories I’ve heard other men tell, fairly mild with her spending habits… BUT she’s still a female, and it’s my job, as that d@mmed, ass-holish Patriarch to reign her in on it, for the good of our family. She benefits too when the monthly budget is adhered to. When we come in under budget for the month, it’s extra money for savings, or something that we/she may want to get.
Just as a final aside, I help people with their personal or family budgets because I’m pretty good at it. I’m just starting to help a guy on my men’s team who has problems with his family’s monthly budget making ends meet. In our first meeting, I asked him, “Who handles the family budget?” Do I even have to tell you what the answer was to that question? LOL! His wife of course! He makes the money (her too, both have jobs), and she handles all of it. He doesn’t even see his family budget because, “Mama’s got it.” Step one buddy, time to get your “Patriarchal hat” out of storage and get back in the family budget game, besides just handing over the moolah to mama to manage.
All of these anecdotes are particularly instructive namely because the Church wants nothing to do with them.
If we look back through the Scriptures, we see the Jesus:Church::husbands:wives analogy as is oft stated. However, Jesus was readily there to correct, teach, rebuke, and chasten the disciples when they started to go off course. Of course, it’s right there in the Scriptures – Husbands are to love their wives like Christ love the Church for the purpose of sanctification.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
Whether feminist infiltration or not, the Church does a crap job at this. Egalitarians deny husbandly authority while complementarians try to neuter authority and everything in between. Hence, marriage for men becomes more like “loving your wife as she is” and not using your authority to be her head to teach, correct, and help her be more like Christ.
I get it. Most men are never taught this. Even if they learn it it’s like RPA, deti, and RPB above where they had to come to the “Christian manosphere” for actual Biblical teaching. It leaves a sour taste in your mouth that your marriage could flounder and often be on the brink of destruction for so long because we had not been taught the right things.
Each man who wants to be married or will get married should be taught that he is responsible for being her head and teaching his wife what he wants his household to look like and to be a responsible steward with it. This is a basic minimum, and I would tell any man to dump a woman who doesn’t agree. If she’s rebellious to him being her head before marriage he should run away. The proverbs are clear about contentious and rebellious women in marriage. You don’t want that headache.
If we actually had these things taught in our Churches and to our Christian sons and daughters then the expectations would be there, and we would not be surprised or have a bad taste left in our mouths. It’s like the Church often lying or omitting or just not knowing anything about sexual attractiveness. It’s bitter because we feel like we’ve been living a lie for our whole lives.
But back to sanctification, it’s a continual process. Trust is earned and an expression of the character of godliness
Obviously, a wife who is respectful and submissive even when it is difficult is much easier to trust than one who is disrespectful and rebellious. But there are many different steps that it takes to get there. For instance,
- A wife who is disrespectful and rebellious according to her own whims
- A wife who knows what is right but can be disrespectful and rebellious when things get tough for her
- A wife who knows what is right but has developed greater self control and perseverance but sometimes slips up when things are tough
- A wife who knows what is right and it’s rare that she’s disrespectful and rebellious
There can be many in between with these circumstances like how she responds to teaching, correction, or rebuke for good or for evil. You could probably make another whole list or expand this one to 8-9 bullet points with these.
However, the point is that if you and your wife are a Christian and actively wanting to obey God and His Biblical roles and responsibilities, the sanctification process will be gradual over time in most cases and it is a process. This process is cultivated step by step and large jumps though they can happen tend to be unlikely since unlearning ingrained sinfulness is difficult.
If you have a wife at 1-2 but wants to be more godly it take time to get her to 3-4. But you must be vigilant and persistent about being the head of your family and taking responsibility to say “no” (when Adam didn’t) and teach, correct, and train her in righteousness. Even when the world and especially the Church says you are not doing the right thing.
Finally, circling back to the headline of the post: Headship is an extension of the life you built when single.
Building headship (of one) in your own life and taking the steps to master verbal sparring / flirting and all such manner of leadership skills and setting your expectations for marriage right are preparation for marriage. This continues when you get a girlfriend, engaged and married. They all build into each other and take work and practice. Like any new skills they are hard work at first, but once you build the habits of them they become easier and simpler. Hopefully, if you’re reading this you are not surprised by them, but know they are expected by the Bible and you should strive to do them if you want to be married or you are married.