From IFStudies – marriage for the religious, common mistakes that can undermine a marriage, hookup culture among Christians, where have all the good men gone part zillion

Since I’m a bit backed up on too many tabs, going to cover all of these in a couple shots then get down to similar topics as Jack.


Marriage is Increasingly an Institution of the Highly Religious: Why That Might Be a Problem

Marriage appears to be a dying institution that fewer couples are choosing. Year after year, couples who marry are increasingly becoming a unique group compared to their peers. A recently published study suggests that perhaps, more than ever before, marriage is becoming a relationship status tightly tied to a dwindling religious sub-population in the United States. While some may look at these findings and feel mostly apathetic at the potential death of an institution, there are many important reasons gleaned from recent social science research to be concerned about these trends.

Basically, more young adults and such don’t believe in marriage. Probably bad examples from their parents. Increasingly it’s looking like prolonged singlehood and cohabitation are the primary selections. Marriage is being more confined to middle class-upper class and increasingly religious.

This has been explored in previous posts on spinsterhood predictions, but another study on it has ‘confirmed it’ so to speak.

Basically, for Christians this is actually a good thing and likely not a bad thing. The primary caveat is that we are able to model good marriages and families to our secular counterparts.

Clearly, though, this is part of the issue as probably most Christian Churches are not teaching God’s roles and responsibilities and generally catering to the culture which are some of the reasons why divorce is only somewhat lower than the secular counterparts.

There is opportunity for the Church, but they need to teach the Bible on this.


Three Common Mistakes That Can Undermine a Happy Marriage—and How to Avoid Them

Mistake #1: Getting Too Comfortable

Mistake #2: Talking at the Wrong Time

Mistake #3: Failure to Make Time for Fun

The author is seemingly not a Christian, but he does have a wide reach according to his website.

From my work with more than five thousand couples over the past 18+ years, I am convinced 50% of marriage misery would be eliminated if couples just had a shared calendar.

Overall, these are just superficial things. If the underlying dynamic and foundation of the marriage is cracked, then addressing superficial things like this are just merely going to prolong the explosion/implosion of the marriage.

I would bust on him if he were a Christian and was giving this advice without even talking about the Bible, but it’s not the case with IFStudies that all the posters are Christian. Nevertheless, this is the type of crappy thing out there that makes it seem like you’re doing something to help your marriage, but isn’t actually going to solve the underlying problems in the long run.


Hooking Up and Checking Out: Patterns of Dating, Sex, and Marriage at One Elite Evangelical University

Despite a prominent Christian presence, hookup culture is undoubtedly alive at the university. Most respondents were surprised by the casual boldness with which their peers discuss sex. They mentioned that many young men attend parties where “the whole goal is to get laid” and later banter competitively about their sexual exploits.

However, this behavior is not restricted to males. One sophomore described her first day in the dining hall freshman year where a group of girls “started comparing how many boys they’d slept with in high school.” Meanwhile, one senior recounted walking past a male dorm room and hearing one young lady proudly proclaim, “I’m the last one who had sex!” For an institution that claims to uphold the value of waiting for marriage, surely these stories are cause for concern.

In my own interviews, when I asked why students hook up, I consistently heard, “it’s the college experience,” confirming the precedence of the “party pathway” even at this Christian university. This disjunction between evangelical belief and behavior is consistent with David Ayers’ IFS findings on evangelical young adults’ sexual behavior before marriage, which showed that 51% of evangelical 18-22 year olds who attend church weekly have had premarital sex, and about 56% of young men and 54% of young women who say that their religious beliefs are “very important” have had premarital sex.

Sexual permissiveness is prevalent, even among Evangelical young adults, a finding that was confirmed in my interviews with Evangelical university students. In fact, I heard several stories about students partying, hooking up, and then going to church together the next morning. Whether this attendance was motivated by contrition, or a sense of self-justification, these students embody the sentiment expressed by one junior male: “socially speaking, the ideal Christian male at [this university] is both a partier and a churchgoer.”

To those of you concerned that your children are going to university, even Christian ones, is basically sending them off to be sexually immoral this should not surprise you. Lori Alexander was generally on the mark on that front on Christian virgins and advising them not attending college.

However, that said this generally agrees with the data on Christian virgins that I have looked at in the past which is probably around 30-40% of women in the 20-24ish age around are still virgins. So there is hope if you were holding out, but you probably need to be in the top 40% of men within the Church (which is not actually super hard perhaps?).

Overall, I think if you’re sending your kids to college then them living at home tends to be the best option if possible. Definitely having them still engaged with Church and likely Christian groups on campus. It’s more likely to be the case that they will flee sexual immorality with more Christians around them than surrounding themselves with worldly friends who want to have sex and party.


Where Have All the Good Men Gone?

The relationship frustrations of women like these are rooted in a broader problem: They do not have a ready pool of good young men to date, partly because many of our nation’s young men are floundering as they make the transition from adolescence to young adulthood. This problem is visible in our schools, colleges and universities, and today’s marketplace. Young men are increasingly less likely than women to enroll in college and less likely than women to apply themselves even if they land in college; a growing number of them are also idle or underemployed as they move through their 20s.

Our “young men problem” is rooted in a range of factors — the rise of electronic opiates, which distract young men from education and work and have come to replace traditional avenues of social relations; the absence of models of pro-social masculinity that furnish norms for male engagement in school, work, and relationships as they move into adulthood; a culture that discounts commitment; and biological differences in rates of male and female maturation.

But a new report from the Institute for Family Studies, “Life Without Father,” suggests that another issue is in play. Too many boys have grown up in homes without engaged or present fathers, which has left them especially unprepared to navigate school, work, and relationships successfully.

Brad Wilcox’s latest boomer treatise on where have all the good men gone… when the problems are systemic. 60%+ of college and graduate students are female.

Waiting for the “conservative” articles that state the obvious:

  • Schools are biased toward women
  • Stop trying to push womens’ achievements to college and graduate school and push more men instead.
  • Tell women stop being masculine and be more feminine.
  • Tell women that they have to have something to offer men.

Of course, the latter are already being told men, but no responsibility is ever placed on the women.

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6 Responses to From IFStudies – marriage for the religious, common mistakes that can undermine a marriage, hookup culture among Christians, where have all the good men gone part zillion

  1. jvangeld says:

    ‘In my own interviews, when I asked why students hook up, I consistently heard, “it’s the college experience,”’

    Once again the mask falls off. We all knew that “the college experience” was code for, “getting drunk and having sex.” But now we hear it from the horse’s mouth.

    And all the older people in churches who said, “Those kids need the college experience.” They were wolves.

  2. locustsplease says:

    One thing I hear when I’m at church groups is this assumption that you get to party and have sex blow off steam and come back to faith. Almost like rejecting the faith is mandatory for a time. I hear tropes about pastors daughters and know some and what I hear is they were worse than me in my 20s! Doing things that make you nobody’s wife do not help Christianity. And of course now the husband is just there for finances not love never crossed her mind.

    For a long time we were told sex before marriage was a religious scare tactic. Now we see the damage decades of it has done to women.

  3. @ locust

    One thing I hear when I’m at church groups is this assumption that you get to party and have sex blow off steam and come back to faith. Almost like rejecting the faith is mandatory for a time. I hear tropes about pastors daughters and know some and what I hear is they were worse than me in my 20s! Doing things that make you nobody’s wife do not help Christianity. And of course now the husband is just there for finances not love never crossed her mind.

    Just goes to show how much Churchianity was there from the start.

    It’s likely that a lot of people back when the US was “more Christian” were just there for the social club or to pay lip service to actually following Jesus because it was “in.”

    Now that Christianity is growing increasingly unpopular, you see that these types of people are falling away which is a good thing. We need less imposters and more true followers.

  4. Jack says:

    “Overall, these are just superficial things. If the underlying dynamic and foundation of the marriage is cracked, then addressing superficial things like this are just merely going to prolong the explosion/implosion of the marriage.”

    “…this is the type of crappy thing out there that makes it seem like you’re doing something to help your marriage, but isn’t actually going to solve the underlying problems in the long run.”

    It’s not bad advice, but the thing that makes it inadequate, and which is sorely missing from most studies leading to recommendations, is that there is no mention of the appropriate CONTEXT in which to use it. Little tips like these are given out indiscriminate of the context, and it is never mentioned that one may get the opposite results if used outside of a specific context. Another bigger problem is that it is extremely unpopular to point out that the proper context to be sought after in a relationship is a Headship type structure, so authors outside of the Christian Manosphere never point this out.

  5. thedeti says:

    IFS findings on evangelical young adults’ sexual behavior before marriage, which showed that 51% of evangelical 18-22 year olds who attend church weekly have had premarital sex, and about 56% of young men and 54% of young women who say that their religious beliefs are “very important” have had premarital sex.

    No. 51% REPORT having had premarital sex.

    56% of young men REPORT having had premarital sex (they’re lying upwards – it’s more like 30%)

    54% of young women REPORT having had premarital sex (they’re lying downwards – it’s more like 85%)
    ______
    Regarding Brad Wilcox’ boomer treatise:

    Men are floundering because they’re constantly being told how worthless and unwanted they are. They’re floundering because no one helps them. They don’t need college to be “worthy” of college women.

    Why shouldn’t they play video games? No one wants or helps them.

    “Models of prosocial masculinity are missing” because everyone, including Christian women, calls them “toxic masculinity” and has outlawed them.

    The culture discounts commitment because women discount commitment. Women are the ones who don’t want the men available to them and don’t want to commit to one man. This is women’s fault, not men’s fault.

    Gee. I wonder why fathers are absent from homes: Women getting pregnant by baby daddies who don’t stick around. Women who kick good men out of their homes. Women who marry bad men who then leave them.

  6. @ deti

    No. 51% REPORT having had premarital sex.

    56% of young men REPORT having had premarital sex (they’re lying upwards – it’s more like 30%)

    54% of young women REPORT having had premarital sex (they’re lying downwards – it’s more like 85%)

    The possibility of liars is big, but I don’t think the gaps are as high as you think they are.

    Given that it seems a lot of the ‘Christians’ have cavalier attitudes toward sex during college, they would not necessarily lie as it is more socially acceptable to have sex before marriage now.

    Definitely agreed on Wilcox. He’s the quintessential boomer that “always blames man for problems”

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