locustplease makes the observations about modern Christian women and dating:
After years of introspection I have decided I wanted/needed too much from a Christian woman if I found one. Since I see these relationships from the outside I developed a composite and it’s just not based on any one person. For instance the very strong godly dedicated ride or die Christian women I meet. They all made serious mistakes. And the ones who nailed everything from the start they never had to put their foot down on their own sin behavior and exercise moral agency.
I’ve had 2 church girls express interest lately but they both have feminist traits. Both are good looking have dedicated Christian mothers. The one I can say from what I’ve been around is the most godly single Christian woman I’ve encountered and really I can’t think of a second. Buuuut of course she’s a career gal. And since she didn’t get divorce raped she may b in a better financial position than me. Part of me says why bother telling this career gal with plenty of expendable income I’m looking for a stay at home wife. Another part says she’s probably barely making it like most career gals and desperate for an off and nobody ever offered her. I have too much pride to ask this girl out she’ll b way to hard to impress.
The other has some feminist calling cards but is a blank slate. It’s like I’m not willing to engage with a woman with anything I don’t like off the bat. But in the past I just dated them then did the filtering. Am I just afraid of telling them something they may not want to hear. Not very patriarchal of me. The one is younger barely out of highschool and not had to engage with her agency. The other one mid 20s has already and seems to have succeeded. Inexperienced — experienced. Somehow their both wrong.
Here’s the thing. This is not an uncommon sentiment from men today. I’ve seen it from the men I’ve discipled in the ‘sphere and also from those IRL. I do think there is some validity in being concerned about these things which I have noted in my various vetting and teachable posts. But I want to drive this home further.
- First, don’t look for a unicorn. Everyone here has always preached they don’t exist.
- If you think you’re going to find a woman who is already “perfect” you’re never going to find one. Even if there was one, she would already be scooped up by “Chad” when they’re in their late teens or early 20s.
100% of women you meet are going to have “feminist traits” because that’s the culture we live in. If you’re going to exclude women for that you might as well just stay single forever.
The true key is starting to lead a woman and see if she responds like a good follower. If she does, you can teach her what is right and disabuse her of cultural notions that are not Christian. That’s what Bible study and prayer with her is for before marriage. You can go over the marital passages and see what she thinks and correct her. Then see if she changes her behavior over time.
To use another analogy for the same concept: Jesus doesn’t give up on us because we are sinners, but He is looking for us to repent and follow Him. He’s not looking for someone perfect, but for someone who is imperfect who wants to make the sanctification journey with Him.
Obviously, this doesn’t mean we ignore yellow or red flags or attraction. You can screen generally using that. But if you meet some women that seem to have only a couple things off about them as long as they’re not egregious then as you lead and teach her she can change.
I’ve made the point before that we all teach others how to treat us. The same goes for training your wife. Both men and women, husbands and wives, should be changing over time toward Christ through the sanctification process. You can and should look for good potential in a wife (or husband for that matter), but these are not static things that don’t change over time. Just like we develop in the spiritual disciplines, train our bodies, or become more mature mentally and emotionally so too should we do the same things with ridding ourselves of worldly desires and passions.
If you do date women and they are fairly resistant to following you or want to continue in their ways then you can just part ways. It’s not a big deal. But if you are not even dating to see if women do this I think you are wasting a lot of valuable opportunities not just to learn how to lead better but also to see if a woman has the potential to become a good wife.
There’s a lot of women out there who look like a potentially perfect wife but then you find out she’s a rebellious nag, and there’s some women out there who may look like they have some cultural traits that are going to be negative but then they’re actually good followers once they have someone leading them. Appearances can be deceiving until you actually find out first hand how they respond to you leading her.