I’ve sitting on Jack’s good summary of A distrusting woman is a divorcing woman for a while and have found a way to tie things together.
My quoted analysis:
When some people are stuck in patterns and habits of inverted relationships/marriage so long, then that becomes their normal. Normal is comfortable. She can manipulate you and has control over you and everything is good.
If you flip the script and start leading the relationship/marriage, then this is simply too much for some women. They are scared out of their minds not being in control because (surprise surprise) BPD and other types of women like that have trust issues, usually from broken homes, sexual abuse, or whatever else in their history. Most normal women who grew up in a healthy home will be uncomfortable at first but when you’re actually leading well they’ll start to fall in line.
This is pretty much what cognitive dissonance is. BPD women and women with trust issues can’t handle NOT being in control. They’ll do anything to get out of it, even if it’s in a better situation. They’d rather go back to the control and dysfunction. Similar to battered women syndrome and Stockholm syndrome.
This is also why we say, usually when you start leading, women will fall in line. Most women that actually are interested in serving God and have a reasonably healthy background will. But there are relationships where women are too dysfunctional to change and instead of starting to follow you, they’ll likely try to rebel more or just nope out. Just let them go per 1 Corinthians 7:15. Their choices are on their head as long as you are striving to uphold God’s commands.”
After considering these examples, I think the issue here (at least for these types of women) is not so much about personal gain and control as it is about trust. The reason that these women withhold sex and grasp for control is not for the control itself, but it’s because they are unwilling or unable to trust. Having control allows them to avoid having to be trusting, and this is their primary motive for maintaining control.
In addition, building trust in one another is only half of the equation. These examples also indicate that it’s crucial for one to be trusting as a personal quality, and for one to trust as a general habit. Women with various disorders, emotional scars, and trust issues just can’t do that, no matter how trustworthy the man might be.
The commonality of these distrusting types of women is that they would rather cop out of the marriage altogether than learn how to trust, even when the sex is good (for the woman) and it is obvious that they would have a much better life if they stayed. This observation greatly emphasizes the centrality of trust in a relationship, and suggests that trust is a much deeper issue than control (i.e. the Curse of Eve), or even hypergamy and the Tingles.
In general, this seems to be the theme of the past couple posts under the surface:
- Any two Christians can have a godly marriage
- There still are no unicorns and recommendations on just getting into dating women
If both men and women are committed to following the Biblical roles and responsibilities and growing in sanctification as mature Christians they can have a godly marriage, no sex denial, and all such successful metrics. Similarly, men should be not be looking for the perfect prospect (unicorn) but rather a woman who is getting most stuff right and is willing to follow the man and is teachable.
When we go back to all of the Biblical marital roles and responsibilities we end up with:
- Provider & protector (of the garden) – helper (Gen 2)
- Headship – submission (Eph 5, 1 Cor 11, Col 3, Tit 2, 1 Pet 3)
- Love – respect (Eph 5, 1 Pet 3)
What all of these seem to have in common from the woman aspect — helper, submission, respect — is the underlying theme of trust. She is to be a helper and not a harmer. She is to follow his lead and not be contentious or rebel, and she is to respect and not disrespect. This is adequately summed up by Proverbs 31.
Proverbs 31:11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. 12 She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.
Although the passage only says that the husband trusts in his wife, v12 also requires that a wife trust her husband with the result of that building him up and not tearing him down. Those with trust issues or mental health issues (e.g. BPD, NPD, etc) all tend to fail this test because they can’t trust the man for whatever reason. They are in essence unable to be good followers without divine intervention such as surrendering to God and having him heal their hearts.
Circling back to the “any two Christians can gave a godly marriage” and the Teachability part of FAST, we can see that teachability and ability to be effective in applying the Biblical marital roles and responsibilities require a fundamental heart trust in the man.
Scientific research has shown repeatedly that we tend to trust attractive people more. This appears to be the reason why the “tingly-respect” model tends to naturally fall into alignment with the headship-submission model from the Biblical marital roles. Womens’/wives’ attraction to their husband naturally increases their heart trust in their man/husband. This leads to greater willingness to naturally help him (helper), follow him (submit), and respect him (respect).
Obviously, this is not always the case as women and wives have the choice to rebel and be contentious regardless of attraction, but we can see the general strong correlation of this pattern. Conversely, we see the opposite also be true. If a man or husband lets himself go and becomes obese and lazy a woman’s attraction wanes and her likelihood of adhering to Biblical female roles and responsibilities gets way tougher. She is more likely to nag, be contentious, rebel, and otherwise be negative toward her husband.
Thus, we end up with a general schematic:
- Womens’ ATTRACTION to men (via PSALM and masculinity) tends to lead to TRUST in the man
- TRUST leads to a woman more naturally following Biblical female marital roles and responsibilities
- Thus, TRUST leads to a woman being more willing to help, follow, and respect the man
This also ties together my Biblical analysis of how God made attraction and the role it plays in marriage. Men who strive to be fully who God made men to be — take dominion, provide, protect, etc — tend to build the PSALM and masculinity traits naturally. This also naturally starts to attract women and that attraction builds trust. This trust helps them more naturally want to fulfill the Biblical female roles and responsibilities.
In essence, attraction via fulfillment of God’s creation mandate provides the benefit of oil does to a car engine. It helps the gears and pistons to run more smoothly. Yeah, a car engine can run with minimal to no oil, at least for a time, but it will generally start to break down or be destroyed eventually. Not the best analogy ever but it provides a good reference for everyone to understand.