Narrative denial – The crushing loneliness of the girl boss

When the COVID lockdowns began in March 2020—that great sterilization of our personal lives, that mass removal of distraction—I observed something strange. My peers, ordinarily proud of their independence, realized that they didn’t just love their families but kinda liked them. Other friends—friends who’d been stuck quarantining with roommates or, worse yet, alone—yearned for families. They began joking about how nice it’d be to have a husband and kids for company in eating or drinking themselves to death or, less gloomily, in sharing their freshly baked sourdoughs. With the mounting pressure of COVID restrictions, many people learned that their “chosen families” of friends and colleagues were less durable than they’d thought.

I wasn’t a detached onlooker. I, too, worked a tech job 3,000 miles away from my family, the kind located on a plush campus with floor-to-ceiling windows and on-demand gelato. Then suddenly the artifice was stripped away, and my time was no longer broken up by campus bike rides or leisurely strolls to the office sushi chef. I was alone facing the silence of the day, and I found myself confronted by questions I hadn’t asked since my early twenties: What am I for? Why am I doing any of this?

The consequences of believing that women should be just like men! Feminism is great, am I right?

It was around this time that I noticed an uptick in feminism-skeptical social media content. There’s always been a market for anti-feminism online for the same reasons that being a “gamer girl” sells: It leverages a niche position that’s in high demand but undersupplied. And yet this felt different. The feminism-critical content I was seeing came from all points on the political spectrum, across every race and economic demographic, and, importantly, from people who didn’t appear to be selling anything. Of course, there were some people angling to become capital-p Personalities, but mostly I saw ordinary women venting their frustrations, many of them spurred by the conditions brought on by the pandemic. Some of these women were part of larger digital subcultures, like the modest fashion movement, or the now infamous subreddit, Female Dating Strategy. Others were part of nascent philosophical and intellectual scenes, a reactionary feminism spearheaded by writers like Mary Harrington, Louise Perry, Nina Power, Helen Roy, and Alex Kaschuta.

But this didn’t seem like a case of subcultural capture, or a trendy ideology amplified by a small group of vocal spokespeople. It was a much broader feeling that something had gone terribly wrong, leaving so many women so deeply unhappy in lives that seemed, on the surface, to be tolerable, or even good.

“The ‘I’m an independent strong Black woman’ narrative is a scam,” said one TikTok video personality in August, cautioning Black women, in particular, against buying into the familiar “girl boss” narrative, and encouraging them to seek stability in their communities. Alt-girls with septum piercings and tattoo sleeves shared how the microblogging site Tumblr’s glamorization of sex work and BDSM put them in harm’s way. Another video, since taken down, featured Muslim women discussing the pitfalls of Western feminism.

These critiques crept into explicitly left and left-liberal spaces, too, not just those prone to agree with socially conservative thought. In the wake of the West Elm Caleb episode—a peak COVID-era social media spectacle in which several women realized they’d been ghosted by the same man—even the notoriously and often punitively “woke” Washington Post journalist Taylor Lorenz levied criticism against the excesses of #MeToo. Porn came under the microscope; dating app burnout escaped its manosphere containment zone; the perception of OnlyFans evolved from a “great way to make this month’s rent” to a predatory multilevel marketing scheme.

The women skeptical of feminism are that way for good reason. They see the despair at the end game. What is truly fulfilling? Your job? In all reality, it’s the family and relationships you make with others.

There’s this fashionable notion that women without children or husbands are happier. Let’s assume that’s true and not just a decontextualization of some rogue statistic with perfect headline potential. That would only be true in a society that can support it: a stable society built by people who make sacrifices and raise kids so that the childless rest can enjoy their lives. And importantly, it would only be true of some people, people who are aberrations to the norm. If everyone’s single and childless, then society stops being able to function. It’s like being a celebrity. If everyone is a celebrity, then nobody is a celebrity. Being unshackled from adult responsibilities is only attractive in a world that demands them in the first place.

The same realizations spurred by the shock of mandatory quarantines—that the burden of a family isn’t necessarily a bad one, that a life alone is only as fun as the distractions available—will come into even sharper relief as millennials enter middle age. Marriage and fertility rates continue to decline; meanwhile, the rates of deaths of despair, friendlessness, and loneliness balloon. Recognizing systemic problems is nothing new to us millennials, but what does seem to be new is the need to expand our purview beyond the realm of economics. If capitalism failed our generation, then it failed more than just our bank accounts. It disrupted everything from our identities and our family life to the way we make friends and find love. Suffering through this latest crisis isn’t just being burdened by student loans—it’s putting off kids, too. And the culture of capitalism is about marketing those failures as cool lifestyle choices. Podcasts like “Sofia with an F,” and “Why Won’t You Date Me,” are filled with reassurances that women can settle down whenever they want to. The horizon on choice doesn’t have to end if you have the right mindset and a willingness to freeze your eggs or make good use of IVF.

It’s not so much that millennials were just fed a bunch of lies and need to fix their behavior; it’s that their environment didn’t allow them to behave any differently, and they attacked anything but the root cause. The “girl boss” makes sense in an environment where you’re going to have to work a soul-sucking job no matter what; why not add a veneer of glamour to it? In a world where day care is an expensive necessity, there is a womblike comfort in telling yourself stories about how staying childless is an “act of heroism” or even a ticket to happiness….

…. Women are waking up to the truth through new expressions of feminism, growing digital subcultures, and reanimated political movements. But more broadly, they’re waking up to the truth in ordinary ways. They’re looking around at their lives and realizing that time is finite, and they’re long overdue for a change.

Ah, so close. We can’t blame feminism, but we can always divert blame back to easily scapegoats causes like capitalism. In this particular case, ironically there is no blame of the patriarchy (although I thought it was coming) or even men as men are typically the source of all of womens’ problems.

There’s always something to blame other than yourself or feminism for the choices that you make.

Actions have consequences. If you buy into feminism you get feminist results. The tragedy of it all is that feminist results are fairly predictable. Massive unhappiness, >30% of women have mental health issues, and so on. As commenters have noted, few from feminism “stick the landing” and even the examples of those who appear to have supposedly stuck the landing are probably unhappy in various different ways just like the glamor of celebrities is not all that.

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6 Responses to Narrative denial – The crushing loneliness of the girl boss

  1. Bardelys the Magnificent says:

    I saw this one the other day and wondered if it would gain traction. It’s one thing to see that Feminism is a lie; it’s another to see that the way out is to marry Bob from accounting, submit to him and bear his children.

  2. locustsplease says:

    My ultra feminist mother has changed her tune about women in the workforce after escaping it herself and now supports stay at home mothering. She told me they pushed families to have two workers then doubled the price of everything so you can afford less. I asked her who? It wasn’t conservative Christians it was feminist leaders and capitalists who wanted more workers and capital to own. She must have got that stuck in her head she taught both daughters to chase feminist life scripts and they have just failed they are on the life road of dying in poverty.

    Here’s me listen to nothing feminists say and doing much better. Had a kid young and they love having that 1 grand kid way more than none the others putting off procreation for careers has not led to happiness in our family that 1 grand kid has. Kids are work when they are young but when they get a few years old they just tag along and you relive your childhood but the way you wanted it to b.

  3. Not sure of this would be an add-on, but:

    One of the other tragedies is the loss of community, not just spouses and fathers of children. It is the people that we mourn and celebrate life’s events with that are often overlooked. A lack of connections and bonds with real “friends” in the community is tragic. Opposite sex and other women too.

    (I was blessed to have somewhat decent bonds with other families growing up, but the shallow roots make it hard these days).

  4. thedeti says:

    It’s one thing to see that Feminism is a lie; it’s another to see that the way out is to marry Bob from accounting, submit to him and bear his children.

    This is exactly the issue. The bottom line is that women don’t want to marry Bob, or submit to him or have his kids. They want to get married – to Chadrone. They will submit to Chadrone and have his kids.

    They just can’t admit to themselves that Chadrone won’t commit.

    That is the entire problem right there. And it is not going to change until women change. But they aren’t going to for the foreseeable future. My money is on things continuing to slide in the same general direction they’re sliding now.

  5. thedeti says:

    Women have NEVER wanted to marry Bob, or submit to him, or have his kids. But women did marry Bob and have his kids (and submit to him sometimes) because they were kind of forced into it, and because marriage to Bob was better than living with their parents or their older brothers, and working a job.

  6. Jack says:

    “That is the entire problem right there. And it is not going to change until women change.”

    It would be too much to ask of women for them to choose a man whom they genuinely LIKE and ADMIRE, aside from their hypergamous impulses. No, Tingles Uber Alles!

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