Discussing sexual past history with women

A reader writes in with some questions.

Recently started going to a new Church which seems promising…

Anyway, in one of your posts you talk about vetting a wife and how you would expect her to confess her sexual history. You mention being able to boldly confess your own past sins as well. I’m quite sure this church would advise a similar exchange for anyone pursuing marriage. My question is how should a man conduct himself in confessing sin to a woman, or even a fellow man, such as a pastor or accountability partner? I’ve felt convicted to go to someone and open up about my struggle, and I want to be prepared to have The Talk with a possible spouse.

Is it wrong to want to be stoic? Not have a tearful breakdown in front of a woman, but also be reserved in sharing secret sin with a brother?

I’ve struggled with porn use throughout my life. Recently I’ve been successful in cutting it out of my life. This has led to me accomplishing goals and getting the ball rolling on several more. I’m on a hot streak (for me at least). But I know this will need to be brought up in future relationships. I can’t lie about it. And I figure I shouldn’t wait to only confess to a potential wife. I need tips on confessing, because I’ve only shared this with a few close friends (non-Christian) and you. What is the “masculine” way to confess sin? How many details do you share (is the less said the better)? If you can give me any help with this it would be much appreciated.

If you’re newer here, I have a ton of posts in the Actionable Steps to Finding a Wife section. Some of these include the following ones on what I’ve written of my own experiences.

• My 5 step process to maturity in relationships
• A detailed timeline and how-to guide on the process of finding a wife
• Discussing sex and virginity with a potential spouse is important
• Questions and topics to learn about your prospective spouse

There are multiple questions here to go through, so let’s address them in order.

My question is how should a man conduct himself in confessing sin to a woman, or even a fellow man, such as a pastor or accountability partner? I’ve felt convicted to go to someone and open up about my struggle, and I want to be prepared to have The Talk with a possible spouse.

Generally speaking, with women The fallacy of teaching men to be emotionally honest part 2 rings true. Vulnerability can be a good thing with women as it exposes that you’re human and not perfect, but usually it should be done in a masculine way. In this respect, it is usually a good thing to be stoic and objective about it.

If a man is getting all weepy and teary the vast majority of women are going to find it a turn off and unattractive. How can they trust a man who breaks down when he shares his faults or makes a mistake? That type of man is going to cave if being put up to tough situations in the future where he may have to protect her.

With other men that tends to boil down on how close you are with them. If they’re very close brothers you can get as emotional as you want. I am generally not built that way personally, but I’ve had friends who were. If I do get emotional about something I tend to take it directly to God. But either way is not wrong.

I’ve struggled with porn use throughout my life. Recently I’ve been successful in cutting it out of my life. This has led to me accomplishing goals and getting the ball rolling on several more. I’m on a hot streak (for me at least). But I know this will need to be brought up in future relationships. I can’t lie about it. And I figure I shouldn’t wait to only confess to a potential wife. I need tips on confessing, because I’ve only shared this with a few close friends (non-Christian) and you. What is the “masculine” way to confess sin? How many details do you share (is the less said the better)? If you can give me any help with this it would be much appreciated.

Most of the time the best way to approach these situations is the masculine way: Here’s what happened. Here’s what I did to fix it or move on from it.

I told my wife I used to watch a ton of porn. I didn’t think it was an addiction but in retrospect it was. However, since actually experiencing the gospel for real, being baptized, and starting to walk the path of being a disciple of Christ, my desire for things of the flesh went down over time and porn trickled from being a daily thing to weekly to monthly, and then occasionally like a few times a year at the point I told her. Of course I had to also be disciplined and not do it as temptation does not go away like that either. If you have an accountability partner all the better too and you can mention that.

Basically, it comes down to: “I struggled with this in the past, and by God’s grace I’ve been conquering it.” With additional help such as accountability if you also had that.

In the case of talking about it, generally the less details the better as well. Just an overall summary is usually good enough. Same with discussion of any other sexual history with women, if she wants to know. My wife didn’t really want to know, so it wasn’t a big deal but some women do. Sometimes you can discern if it’s something that you should reveal or if it’s more of a trick question like “do these pants make me look fat” in which case you should warn her several times. Details on sensitive topics are like gossip — it tends to get the juices flowing and on these particular topics it’s generally in a negative manner.

The essence of the gospel is that we are all sinners in need of a Savior and that He has helped us conquer our flesh. This is a good thing. If a woman starts to be less attracted to you for past failings then just move on. If she’s unattracted and upset with you for failing, then she’s definitely going to see you at times when you fail in marriage and it’s going to be doomed from the start. You don’t want this type of noose hanging around your neck, just as you don’t want to marry a woman who is constantly disrespectful. Similarly, a woman holding past sins against you.

This isn’t to say a woman should be perfect or anything. You can try to lead and admonish for her if she is not acting Christ-like in any way, but if she is resistant toward your leading that is another red flag.

In most cases, at least nowadays, women will have some sort of sexual history to confess as well. Heck, even many women today have watched porn and/or are addicted to some form of it. So it’s not like this is something that only men deal with. At the end of the day, if a woman is rejecting a man for past porn, it’s highly unlikely she’s going to find a marriage partner who hasn’t seen any.