Say please

Jack has a great post about exposing demanding and negotiative mentality in women.

When a wife is saying, “[Husband] should do X, Y, Z”, then she is being demanding. I’ve covered how to handle demands before. The standard way for a man to deal with demands from women is to be more demanding of her than she is of you.

But when a wife is saying that “[Husband] should do X, Y, Z, … BECAUSE [Wife] does A, B, C”, then she is being negotiative or transactional. She’s also comparing her opinion of you to her view of herself.

The standard way of handling demands by being more demanding may not work in this case. If she is a lazy or passive wife, then she might fold. But if she is the type of person who is always pushing for excellence and improvement (which a lot of women do, including good women), then it turns into brinkmanship and one-up-manship that puts ever more pressure on the man because it is essentially a competition of who can outdo the other. Although this dynamic might be beneficial for personal improvement, a man has to watch that it never crosses the line into a competition of ‘Equals’ as women would like to think that it is.

There is a very easy way to put the brakes on the showmanship, if deemed necessary.

This is a good way to conceptualize the matter.

However, the most effective way I’ve found when helping men over the years is to defuse demands is with the the pressure flip.

• Wife: Demands you do X, Y, and Z
• Husband: (in a playful tone) “You forgot to say pleaseee…”

The one phrase instantly communicates several things to the wife which are:

• She’s acting like a brat demanding things and trying to get her way
• Typically, the show of manners is demanded by parents to children or teachers to students which automatically flips the scenario from her demanding something of you (her in authoritative position) to you demanding something of her (you in the authoritative position).
• It’s just good manners, so there’s no way for her to come back on it without looking a jerk.
• The playful manner means it’s not that serious, so it shouldn’t escalate into a full blown argument unless she is too far gone into the rebellious and disrespectful zone where she is thinking about divorce. If the situation is that serious where the wife continues to argue about it, typically the best way to defuse again is to use the same tactics that the women use against men: tone policing. Start policing her tone for being rude and disrespectful.

Side note – tone policing is one of the ways wives, feminists, and left uses to nullify any argument and make men and husbands look like the bad guy. It can be reversed on them and they typically look shocked or confused when it happens because it rarely does happen to them.

The problem beyond this though is if the relationship has slipped into such a position, so this is not the only things men should be doing to act as the leader. But this is usually a good way to defuse the situation and reverse it in the short term.