Don’t deny duty sex

I’m sure most people have seen the NYT article about the woman who went around sleeping with married men.

One of the questions that has come up is what to do about duty sex. What if a wife is “not in the mood.” Should a husband still take that sex or just not refuse it. After all, a wife who isn’t enthusiastic about the sex is a bummer.

Should I accept duty sex or should I deny duty sex? This is a false dilemma that husbands easily fall prey to a lot.

Wives may not “feel” like having sex at the time (e.g. you’re supposedly getting “duty sex”), but once you actually start having sex they usually “get in the mood.”

One of the main pitfalls that husbands fall into with “duty sex” is that they have a bad attitude toward it, which the wife picks up and mirrors because she didn’t want to have it in the first place. If you’re having fun and enjoying the sex, it’s usually contagious. Not everything needs to be so serious all the time. Have fun, slap her butt, tickle her, or whatever. It’s usually not that hard pull a wife out of her crabby attitude if you know her well (which you should as her husband).

It’s never wrong to do the right thing, which is having sex in marriage. Don’t deny duty sex. There’s no need to play hard ball with your wife when you can show her that even if she doesn’t feel like it, it will end up fun.

Obviously, if she’s having attraction issues due to a husband’s weight gain or lack of masculinity then work on those things as well in the meantime.

Posted in Godly mindset & lifestyle | Tagged | 45 Comments

Marital debt not marital exchange

Doug Wilson is operating from false premises in his most recent post on the economics of sexual purity.

One of the things that radical feminists got right, and which doe-eyed romantics got wrong, is the fact that sex within marriage is manifestly an economic institution. But they then went on to wreck this insight by saying that this made marriage a glorified form of prostitution, when they should actually have made the connection in the opposite direction—pointing out that prostitution is of course a grotesque parody of marriage.

“They indeed will tell you that their researches have proved that if two things are similar, the fair one is always a copy of the foul one” (The Pilgrim’s Regress, p. 67).

In the meantime, the doe-eyed romantics have resolutely insisted that marriage is about “true love” only, and that to bring any economic considerations to bear on a subject like this makes it all seem pretty tawdry, and more to the point, a little bit sad. They don’t like “mercenaries” talking about love. It anchors everything right in the middle of real life, and the wrong kind of romantic can only take real life in small doses.

Doug is wrong here. Feminists got it wrong, and romantics got it wrong.

It’s good that he can see romantics got it wrong, but much of his conclusions elsewhere (e.g. wifely happiness being the measure of a husband’s godliness) betrays that conclusion. This has been discussed elsewhere, so I’m not going to go over that again.

What does the Scripture say about sex in marriage:

1 Cor 7:2 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. 3 The husband must [a]fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and [b]come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 But this I say by way of concession, not of command.

The husband and wife owe each other sex. In other word, it’s a marital debt. That which is owed cannot be used as a bargaining chip for exchange because you do not retain the rights to use it the way you want. If you have a mortgage or loan debt, banks would laugh you out of their establishment if you tried to bargain or make an exchange with the monthly payment you owe them.

Any form of “exchange” in marriage is prostitution. Love, sex, respect, submission, etc are all commanded by God to be given without reservation, even if a husband or wife is acting poorly. Wives are commanded to obey their husband in all things (Eph 5), and even if their husbands are not believers they should win them with submission, a gentle and quiet spirit, and chaste and respectful behavior (1 Pet 3). Husbands are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the Church: unconditionally (Eph 5).

This is again works and desire. We obey God’s commands because we desire to follow Him. If we start placing conditions on God’s commands, we fail to follow them and enter into a marital prostitution by holding the husband or the wife hostage to our demands lest we won’t give them what they are owed.

Marriages are not businesses and do not operate on exchanges.

Aside from Wilson’s mistake, there’s one other point you should take away from this. If you ever find yourself agreeing with feminists, then you had better take a deep long hard spiritual look at why you’re agreeing with them because they’re never spiritually on God’s side. They always aim to destroy marriages through wifely rebellion.


In the survey, 31 percent of the women said they watched porn every week, another 30 percent said they did so a few times a month and 10 percent of respondents gets a daily fix. Modern technology is a major factor: 90 percent of respondents said they watch porn on the internet, preferably on their smartphone (62 percent) or laptop (53 percent).

Despite being pooh-poohed as lowbrow literature for middle-aged women, romance novels comprised nearly one-third — 29 percent — of the 2015 fiction market. In 2013, romance novel sales exceeded $1 billion, according to Romance Writers of America. There are even entire bookstores devoted to romance novels!

Romance novels: 35% are long term addicted, and 84 percent are female

Romance is a genre about women, by women and pored over by women — 84 percent of readers are female, according to Romance Writers of America. It’s a $1 billion industry, and 35 percent of romance book buyers have been reading them for 20 years or more, according to RWA.

And don’t forget all of those Christian women who were out buying 50 shades of grey.

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The failure of game redux

This is my last post on this subject because I have finally figured it all out.

A few prior reading materials that helped me put together all the dots.

Dalrock’s couple of posts:

And finally Cane’s comment from the second post:

Game was intriguing because it is literally the anitithesis of chivalry. I knew that wasn’t the answer, and I could find the faults of Game, but I couldn’t put my finger on the thing itself. My blog posts on Game are testament to that…and to the confusion I caused others who thought I was for Game, but yet denying it. Rather: I was anti-chivalry, but not wise enough to know it. It’s in my posts about Eros, the unfair weights used to measure men against women, and many other of the pieces. I was attacking chivalry, but couldn’t quite see that it was chivalry.

Some of that was also due to half-ass knowledge on my part. I knew enough to know that the original code upon which courtly love was attached had nothing to do with romantic love. But I wasn’t knowledgeable enough about its development to wisely write about the topic of chivalry. There’s evidence of my folly in my older posts too.

And now I see that so-called “Married Game” is an attempt at synthesis of the thesis Chivalry (the last several hundred years of Christian marriage) and the antithesis Game. It’s doomed to failure.

[To be continued later]

To expand on this, the contention that game is anti-chivalry is slightly misleading in my opinion (and I think Larry of Fabius maximus gets that wrong). Game annuls much of the symptoms of chivalry and feminism, but not the cause or results.

Thus, it is most accurate to say:

  • Feminism and chivalry are like an infected wound
  • Game is like a pain killer
  • Biblical marriage is antibiotics

Pain killers essentially help you ignore an infected wound because it doesn’t hurt anymore, but the infected wound still exists. The true antidote is acceptance of biblical marriage.

To put this another way, or in spiritual terms:

  • Feminism and chivalry are idolization of a woman’s feelings, attraction, emotions, and/or expectations.
  • Game placates these temporarily by distracting her from idolizing herself and from trying to get you to idolize her as well.
  • Acceptance of biblical marriage is the only antidote.

Game is seductive because it decreases the pain inflicted on a husband via psychological assault, but it does not fix the actual problem: the rebellion against God and His Scripture. The antidote to an infected wound (feminism, chivalry) is acceptance of biblical marriage, which requires repentance and rejection of the aforementioned idols.

To understand this, some of the stances of game are as follows according to Chateau (in Wayne’s post) in order:

  • To get defensive, upset or angry
  • To promptly try to make her jealous
  • To tease her (e.g. Agree and Amplify, Amused Mastery, Asking pointed, realistic questions, Probing and dissecting her mind, Dread)
  • To ignore her

The first two will almost always outcome with negative results, as they are contrary to the the fruits of the Spirit and follow a wife’s lead. The second two are generally what game proponents recommend. The latter two tend to take control of the situation by reversing her attempts to make you placate (e.g. idolize) her, but they don’t actually aim to fix the problem which is to point out her disrespect and bad behavior and call her to repentance.

One commenter almost gets it, if you are not married:

it’s painful to read this post. not because it is written poorly, or because it relates to a personal experience.

it’s painful because no man (or woman) should ever tolerate that kind of behavior in a partner. there is no antidote or way to mitigate being treated that way.

if they disrespect you so much that they do any of those things, then you need to just turn around and walk away for good.

A woman/wife that you have to continually “play games” with is already operating from a stance of rebellion. Rather than play games, the true goal would be to call her out for her rebellion and encourage repentance. This is one of the blind spots of husbands in marriages with wives that are rebellious. Game does work to cover up the pain of the continued psychologicalfr assault, but it does nothing to address the actual rebellion that constantly continues.

The commenter gets it wrong in that you need to walk away for good. The thing is that when you have a girlfriend or wife, even if they’re the most sweet, humble, and respectful wife ever, they will still end up sinning. No man and no woman is perfect. The key is to actually be able to point out and teach a woman/wife why behavior is disrespectful and sinful and call her to repentance. You want a girlfriend and subsequently wife that responds to this call.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church [q]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;

That’s what sacrificial love actually means: stepping into the conflict to pull her toward sanctification. So Adam listened to the voice of his wife, husbands also have the same choice to go along with it or call her to sanctification and repentance of bad behavior or disrespect. If you always walk away, you will never learn to do this.

This is not to say that men should take on any woman who wants to be in a relationship to fix them. A woman who continually ignores calls for repentance and sanctification is a poor choice for a wife. You want a wife who is going to follow you toward Christ, even if you have to sometimes bring her kicking and screaming. However, it should get better over time as she becomes more sanctified — she will build habits of good behavior and eschew bad behavior.

Finally, the latter part of Cane’s post is the correct mindset to operate from:

Looking back now at my own life, what I did when I decided to neither produce, nor put up with, anymore nonsense was to reject chivalric notions. I didn’t think of it in those terms though. At the time I prayed angrily and desperately, “Alright God: I’ll do it your way and by the book, Smart Guy! Whatever happens is on you! I’ll be sacrificial and loving no matter what she does, but I will also expect to be obeyed, and I will say so! I will be gentle, but never quit my expectations. I will stop trying to get her agreement, and settle for her obedience, even when she is bitter about it.” Best thing I ever did. God’s way held up even though I sometimes slipped up and tried to change her mind instead of seek her submission (it confuses them, and prompts them to rebel), or failed to remain cheerful when she sometimes chafed.

I’ve told that story before, but before these last few posts I did not understand that what I threw out of my life was chivalry.

The reason why game fails in the end is that it doesn’t obey God. It doesn’t reflect the fruits of the Spirit. It will never bring a wife to repentance. It dances around and covers up the actual issues present within the relationship or marriage. It operates from a state of judgment of bad behavior instead of seeking repentance through kindness.

Romans 2:1 Therefore you have no excuse, [a]everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. 2 And we know that the judgment of God [b]rightly falls upon those who practice such things. 3 But do you suppose this, O man, [c]when you pass judgment on those who practice such things and do the same yourself, that you will escape the judgment of God? 4 Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?

Game is much like many Christian conservatives attachment to chivalry and complementarism. It hides the actual issue of rebellion with a “feel good” alternative. In this case, the “feel good” is making it seem like you have a good relationship instead of doing it God’s way.

Never thought I’d make that analogy like that, but it fits. The only difference is that chivalry and complementarism capitulate to the culture while game does not. All of them nudge you in the wrong direction.

This is the end of the road for game. My eyes have been fully opened, and it is not good.

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The failure of chivalry in Biblical marriage, works and desire, and the failure of game

To tack on to Dalrock and Cane in the most recent post, here’s my general analysis.

Chivalry, as virtuous as it may seem to some, is essentially pandering to women and/or your wife.

1 Cor 7:32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

This is the battle of every husband: the concerns of God versus the concerns of the wife. This can manifest in quite a few forms of idolatry:

  • Elevating a woman’s feelings/emotions above God’s commands (e.g. a wife’s sex drive is the measure of the godliness of a husband)
  • Working to try to please your wife over God’s commands (e.g. choreplay, trying to “fix” her emotions)
  • Putting her expectations over God’s commands (e.g. abdicating your role as leader)

The moment that pleasing your wife is elevated above any of which God has commanded is the point that which idolatry of the wife has started. This is also the point at which a husband is pigeon holes himself into being a slave to his wife: by her emotions, by works, or by her expectations.

This also is an illustration CS Lewis’ point in Dalrock’s post:

The love which is to be the source of all that is beautiful in life and manners must be the reward freely given by the lady, and only our superiors can reward. But a wife is not a superior.81 As the wife of another, above all as the wife of a great lord, she may be queen of beauty and of love, the distributor of favours, the inspiration of all knightly virtues, and the bridle of ‘villany’;82 but as your own wife, for whom you have bargained with her father, she sinks at once from lady into mere woman. How can a woman, whose duty is to obey you, be the midons whose grace is the goal of all striving and whose displeasure is the restraining influence upon all uncourtly vices? You may love her in a sense; but that is not love, says Andreas, any more than the love of father and son is amicitia.83 We must not suppose that the rules of love are most frivolous when they are most opposed to marriage. The more serious they are, the more they are opposed. As I have said before, where marriage does not depend upon the free will of the married, any theory which takes love for a noble form of experience must be a theory of adultery.

The elevation of love to a noble form of experience is placing it as equal and/or higher to the moral commands of God. Let us not forget that God constantly refers to Israel and Judah as adulterous when they turn away from his commands and to the idols and practices of the surrounding nations in the Old Testament.

Works and desire

Going back to a point I made several years ago now is the difference between works/performance and desire. The ideal is to desire God and His commands. Everything flows from this. The grace of God is what sanctifies us, but it changes us so that we desire to do good works.

When we try to “perform” or “work” we inevitably fail. As Christians, we know that works cannot save us: we cannot follow the Law good enough to achieve salvation.

Likewise, the same is with marriage. Working does not work. Biblical marriage is an image of Christ and the Church. The same standards apply to the husband and the wife. It is one of desire and not works.

  • You cannot work hard enough to placate your wife’s emotions (e.g. make her feel more attracted to you).
  • You cannot work hard enough that your wife will be pleased (e.g. do enough chores).
  • You cannot work hard enough that you will ever meet her expectations.

Falling into a pattern of works is falling into the temptation of sin. You are not trying to please her; you are trying to please the black hole that is unrestrained hypergamy. Your works will never be enough.

Part of the reason why works fail is fear. If you are working, there is a chance that you fail. If there is a chance that you fail, you will fear. If you fear man (or woman/wife in this case), you are not leading nor loving according to the Scriptures.

Does this mean that you shouldn’t try to please your wife? Certainly not. But it must come from desire and not working to try to please.

The failure of game

The failure of “game” is that you’re trying to work to make sure a woman/wife is attracted to you. If you are under the burden of performance, it is almost inevitable that you will slip up at some point or another and she will be ‘less attracted and leave you.’

While chivalry is the idolatry of romantic love, game is the idolatry of narcissism. Instead of feelings as the idol, the idol is switched with the love of self image. This is why most game proponents of game laud the dark triad traits as the best way to attract women.

This is not to say that a strong, muscular body is evil. It is attractive to women and does have its place if a man is looking for a wife. Letting it become an idol for either you and/or a wife is the main issue.

What is coming out of the heart is everything. A man can choose to workout, but a man under compulsion to workout because he needs to be attractive for himself or his wife is under a burden that only ends in failure.

Leadership/headship is imbued to a husband by the Creator. It needs no qualifications or justifications. It does not need to be earned or worked for. A husband does not need permission from his wife or from himself.  A husband needs only not let the temptations of the bad fruit of bad trees take him away from God’s commands. Because he is the head of the marriage, let him act as the head.

Posted in Godly mindset & lifestyle, Learning godly behavior | Tagged | 18 Comments

Marriage is…

Still writing the book, but I’ve felt something has been missing from it which has been mystifying me. Perhaps this post is an attempt to walk out some of the ideas that need more hashing.

The roles and responsibilities are pretty simple, but how do you break them down into teachable concepts that involve real life examples of successes and mistakes. After all, it’s easy to point out where someone has made a mistake, but it’s difficult to have a success and break it down into simple terms that someone else can employ in their life. In this case, from a man to another man, or a husband to another husband.

To try to distill this to the basics, it seems like Biblical teaching is all about two things for a husband:

  • Learning how to lead with love and understanding (of the wife as a weaker vessel) with the main purpose of sanctification
  • Learning how to teach a wife to follow effectively

I think the vast majority of time is spent on the first one from the pulpit, to varying success. Dalrock’s most recent post shows why it’s not as effective when “romantic love” is the justification for sex rather than God’s standard that marriage is the justification for sex.

However, there is little taught about learning how to teach a wife to follow effectively, most often because a husband “isn’t supposed to be telling his wife that she is to submit,” which is obviously false when a husband is tasked to draw his wife toward sanctification.

Other concepts that interfere with teaching wives how to follow aside from the culture and potentially the church in cases are a lack of ‘teachableness,’ a lack of ‘humility,’ and lack of understanding of what it means to be able to disagree but still submit from wives. These things need to be instilled from the onset of a relationship, and it is substantially more difficult if you are trying to instill these types of values half a year, a year, or even many years down the road.

Compounding this is the fact that stubbornness from a husband is a good trait when applied toward righteousness, but stubbornness is never a good trait in a follower. Husbands are too often not stubborn enough or perhaps in the wrong areas, whereas wives are too stubborn. One need only think of God’s term for Israel as a “stiff necked” people which referred to “stiff necked oxen” who couldn’t be led easily to till the fields.

I hesitate to use the word “true Christian,” but to be successful in a marriage the fruits of the Spirit are needed in spades from both the husband and wife. Love and humility first and foremost. If I were to advise any Christian man who wants to be married to look for anything aside from attractiveness, it would be those two traits. It is the combination of love and humility that help a wife to submit and respect her husband in a way that accurately demonstrates the Christ-Church relationship.

It’s hard to find a woman who can love well, according to the Scriptures, but it is is insanely difficult to find a humble woman in today’s culture and Church.

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Freedom is to be freed from

True freedom is…

2 Cor 3:4 Such confidence we have through Christ before God. 5 Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. 6 He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

7 Now if the ministry that brought death, which was engraved in letters on stone, came with glory, so that the Israelites could not look steadily at the face of Moses because of its glory, transitory though it was, 8 will not the ministry of the Spirit be even more glorious? 9 If the ministry that brought condemnation was glorious, how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness! 10 For what was glorious has no glory now in comparison with the surpassing glory. 11 And if what was transitory came with glory, how much greater is the glory of that which lasts!

12 Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 13 We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to prevent the Israelites from seeing the end of what was passing away. 14 But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. 15 Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. 16 But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18 And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate[a] the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

True freedom is being freed from the power of sin. In other words, repentance. Freedom is also being freed from the old covenant of having to work to keep the law. Instead, we are not a slave to works but able to choose to love and to do good works.

Eph 2:8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Freedom is not being able to do whatever we want like our culture and society tells us. “I can do what I want” is a false freedom that only brings sin and death: Adam and Eve. Freedom in Christ influences us to take off the old and put on the new: to throw away the sinful desires of the flesh and to put on godliness and holiness.

This freedom actually limits what we are able to do by placing us under the authority of the one who freed us. Yet, it paradoxically sets our hearts truly free.

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Violence is still sexy

From USA Today:

Nikolas Cruz, the teen accused of killing 17 people in a shooting rampage at a Florida high school last month, is attracting an avalanche of mail from fans offering friendship, encouragement and sexually provocative photos.

The South Florida Sun Sentinel obtained hundreds of pages of photocopies of letters and photos sent to Cruz, 19, who is being held while awaiting trial on a litany of charges including 17 counts of first degree murder.

“No one else is dealing w/your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning, friend,” an 18-year-old from New York wrote in a letter decorated with pink hearts. “I know you could use a good friend right now. Hang in there and keep your head up.”

A woman from Chicago sent Cruz nine photos, including a photo in a bikini, one of her cleavage and another of her posterior. A Texas woman commented on his “beautiful” eyes and “handsome” freckles.

Cruz is on suicide watch and is not permitted to receive mail, most of which is opened by jail officials. Broward County Public Defender Howard Finkelstein, whose office is representing Cruz, told the Sun Sentinel he has never seen so much mail for a defendant in his 40 years as a public defender.

“We read a few religious ones to him that extended wishes for his soul and to come to God,” Finkelstein said, “We have not and will not read him the fan letters or share the photos of scantily clad teenage girls.”

Steven Dubovsky, the University at Buffalo chair of Psychiatry who has studied mass shootings, says some people get a kind of “notoriety and fame by association” with heinous killers.

“Anybody with real relationships or any firm grasp on reality is not going to engage in this behavior,” Dubovsky said. “You have people who have no real gratification in life.”

Cruz is not the first mass murderer to draw a rabid fan following. Charles Manson, who died in prison in November, was briefly engaged in 2014 to a woman who ran the website Release Charles Manson Now.

“It’s like hanging out with a rock star or being a groupie,” Dubovsky said. “There are a lot of groupies around. So they are murder groupies instead of a rock star groupies.”

Finkelstein said he worries that young people are looking up to Cruz: “That scares me. It’s perverted.”

Violence is a very strong attraction for women. This is rooted in the ‘protector’ type instinct in women. The only thing we would argue about is the ‘degree’ to which violence is sexy. Some women think killers are sexy. Some women love when their boyfriend beats them. Some women only love to be protected using violence. Of course, many would draw the line somewhere and call women who love killers or women who love to get beat crazy, but the fact still remains.

One of the things I think that is good for young men and husbands is to learn how to fight. Sign up for a Krav Maga classes or other types of fighting courses. Extra credit for doing it with your wife or girlfriend so they can see the ferocity and the strength of men (including yourself) compared to women.

Men who know how to fight carry themselves differently than men who don’t.

It’s always good to have male strength on your side in this day and age and will likely make it easier for your wife to submit to your leadership.

Posted in Godly mindset & lifestyle | Tagged | 20 Comments

Frozen fertility flaws and toxic masculinity exposed in mainstream


After two fertility clinics in different parts of the country experienced “major failures” at the same time, there are growing questions about the level of oversight at egg-freezing facilities.

On Monday, the industry group that inspects most fertility labs told NBC News that there’s no requirement for a clinic to report problems unless there is a complaint filed or a negative news media report.

The College of American Pathologists, the group that accredited the two clinics, was not contacted by the fertility clinics until after news reports alerted the public about the possibility that thousands of eggs and embryos may no longer be viable because of equipment malfunctions, a spokeswoman told NBC News’ Kate Snow.

In San Francisco, patients of the Pacific Fertility Clinic learned over the weekend of a failure in its liquid nitrogen tanks. On Saturday, the clinic began notifying 400 patients who had several thousand eggs and embryos stored in a tank that malfunctioned on March 4.

Even if you try to delay fertility, it’s not always in your hands. Not that IVF is that successful anyway.

What I’m more surprised is someone — in this case, Gad Saad who is a professor from a University– put their reputation on the line with Is Toxic Masculinity a valid concept? on Psychology Today.


Let’s now apply the exact same evolutionary process (sexual selection) to humans. Evolutionary psychologists have documented universal patterns of mating preferences that are invariant across time and place. In no culture ever studied have women repeatedly preferred to mate with pear-shaped, low-status, tepid men possessing high-pitched, nasal voices. In no documented culture do women’s sexual fantasies revolve around granting sexual access to unemployed, unambitious men who occupy the lowest stratum of the social hierarchy. Instead, women are attracted to “toxic masculine” male phenotypes that correlate with testosterone, and they are desirous of men who are socially dominant, who are strategically risk-taking in their behaviors, and who exhibit patterns of behaviors that will allow them to ascend the social hierarchy and defend their positions from encroachers. Of course this does not imply that women are not attracted to intelligent, sensitive, kind, warm, and compassionate men. The ideal man is rugged and sensitive; masculine and caring; aggressive in some pursuits and gentle in others. Think of the male archetype in romance novels, which is a literary form almost exclusively read by women. He is a tall prince and a neurosurgeon. He is a risk-taker who wrestles alligators and subdues them on his six-pack abs, and yet is sensitive enough to be tamed by the love of a good woman. This archetype is universally found in romance novels read by women in Egypt, Japan, and Bolivia, precisely because it caters to women’s universal evolved sexual fantasies. When engaging in sexual role-playing in the bedroom, few women ask that their male partners wear their Google C++ programmer uniform. They ask for the fireman suit to make its presence. James Bond, the epitome of “toxic masculinity,” does not cry at Taylor Swift concerts. His archetype is desired by women and envied by men.

The inimitable equity feminist Christina Hoff Sommers wrote a book back in 2001 titled The War Against Boys: How Misguided Feminism Is Harming Our Young Men (see our chat on my show THE SAAD TRUTH_144 (link is external)). How prescient she was! There has been a relentless ideological attack on masculinity, stemming from radical feminism, the most recent example of which is the bogus term “toxic masculinity.” It literally seeks to pathologize masculinity in ways that are profoundly harmful to the existential sense of self of young men. If a man witnesses a woman being attacked on the street, should he intervene? Well, according to the bogus feminist notion of benevolent sexism, it might be best to look away (see THE SAAD TRUTH_38 (link is external)). Male saviors are likely oozing toxic masculinity! I should add that male criminals are not exhibiting “toxic masculinity” any more than female adulterers are exhibiting “diabolical femininity.”

The great majority of men are attracted to feminine women who do not possess the body type of Michael Phelps. Beyoncé is desired not because of her “diabolical femininity,” but simply because of her femininity. Similarly, most of the traits and behaviors that are likely found under the rubric of “toxic masculinity” are precisely those that most women find attractive in an ideal mate! This is not a manifestation of “antiquated stereotypes.” It is a reality that is as trivially obvious as the existence of gravity, and no amount of campus brainwashing will ever alter these facts. Let us stop pathologizing masculinity. Instead, let us appreciate the endless ways by which men and women are similar to one another, as well as the important ways in which the two sexes differ.

Not much to say but that he’s generally right about the human nature of men and women, although we might have some small differences onto why these traits are they way they are.

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Increasing trust in times of conflict

A reader writes in:

Whenever my fiancé and I get in a conflict she always wonders if I love her. I believe I express my love enough with words and I whatnot and she needs to trust me more. Conflicts and stressful situations happen. Part of life. She’s one of the most respectful woman I have ever met. Very submissive. Never really talks back. How do I respond to this? She gets scared so easily. It’s almost comical at times.

Women tend to shy away from or be scared of conflict situations, so this is normal behavior. How you respond to it can give you a leg up in developing more trust.

There’s several ways to approach this in a godly masculine manner that can increase trust and intimacy:

  • Physical — pull her into a big hug. Nothing shows that you love her like pulling her into your arms until she feels comforted and melts. Bonus points for saying something along the lines of “aww, get over here” while you pull her into a big hug. Additionally, hold her hand while you are talking with her if the conflict has not ended yet.
  • Surrounding circumstances — you don’t want to be in any type of conflict in a high pressure atmosphere like in public or with loud noises around. A quiet, calm place is the best.
  • Connect emotionally — and no, this is not splay out your feelings to her. It’s normal to feel scared when emotions and tensions are high, and it’s a good idea to let her know that it is OK to feel the way she is feeling. However, the way each of you respond to it makes a difference: conflict means you should run toward each other rather than pull away from each other.
  • Be thankful for the opportunity to resolve it — when my wife was just my girlfriend and fiancee, one of the hardest things for her was that when there was conflict, she constantly pulled away, pouted, and otherwise shut down from conversation. One of the ways to get around this is to be thankful not angry, even if a situation was a cause to get angry. What I mean by this is that when she brings up a conflict situation, you need to thank her for bringing it up. Be patient, slow to anger, and abounding in love in such situations makes it much easier for her to not only know that you have her back but you can figure things out with her or with the situation without blowing up in anger like other men.
  • Acknowledge that men and women are different — this is sort of obvious to us around these parts, but men and women respond to things differently. Not saying that it being “comical” is like patronizing her, but it helps to looking at the situation from an understanding point of view. She is the weaker vessel, and she needs more delicate intervention than a male friend would.
  • Include flavor with the food — Remember, women need flavor with food. While you can directly criticize a man, women tend to take direct criticism as “not loving.” The technique of the “compliment sandwich” is a good example of how to make criticism more palatable. Praise her, “sometimes I notice that [insert criticism here]”, praise her.
  • Trivial and fleeting — if it’s something very trivial and fleeting and doesn’t make any long term impact, you can simply just ‘reframe’ or change the subject. Getting her mind off of it basically solves the issue for these smaller ones.

These are the main ones that I can think of at the moment that I personally do, but I’m sure there’s more.

If any readers have good ways that they resolve potential conflict in their relationships, feel free to chime in.

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Feminism is the temptation to be like God and man

Been mulling this over more recently.

I think these two posts a year ago accurately pointed out some of the systematic effects of feminism, but didn’t get to the heart of the issue.

So in Genesis 1, you have God creating man in his image:

Genesis 1:26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

The key point is verse 27. God made man in his image, not man and woman. Very easy to miss if you don’t read closely.

1 Corinthians 11:7 For a man ought not to have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. 8 For man [i]does not originate from woman, but woman from man;

Paul uses a similar argument in 1 Corinthians on head coverings.

Genesis 3:1 Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden? 2 And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: 3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. 4 And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: 5 For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

Skip over to Genesis 3, and Eve is tempted to be (‘ĕlôhı̂ym — elohim) “like God” or the “as gods.”

That’s one of the interesting nuances of the English translation here as KVJ translates it “as gods” (elohim — lit. gods) which would mean that Adam and Eve would become gods. Most other English translations put it as “like God” (elohim — the supreme God).

Interesting parallel to Jesus in John 10 and Psalm 82 here.

John 10:31 The Jews picked up stones again to stone Him. 32 Jesus answered them, “I showed you many good works from the Father; for which of them are you stoning Me?” 33 The Jews answered Him, “For a good work we do not stone You, but for blasphemy; and because You, being a man, make Yourself out to be God.” 34 Jesus answered them, “Has it not been written in your Law, ‘I said, you are gods’ (elohim)? 35 If he called them gods, to whom the word of God came (and the Scripture cannot be broken), 36 do you say of Him, whom the Father sanctified and sent into the world, ‘You are blaspheming,’ because I said, ‘I am the Son of God’? 37 If I do not do the works of My Father, do not believe Me; 38 but if I do them, though you do not believe Me, believe the works, so that you may [f]know and understand that the Father is in Me, and I in the Father.” 39 Therefore they were seeking again to seize Him, and He eluded their grasp.

In any case, we know the rest. Eve is punished thusly,

Genesis 3:16b Yet your desire will be for your husband,And he will rule over you.”

Her temptation from pre-fall and post-fall has always been the same: to be like/as God, and to be like/as man (who is made in the image of God).

I suppose, in essence, it is envy personified.

Reply to Objection 1. As Gregory says (Moral. xxxi, 45), “the capital vices are so closely akin to one another that one springs from the other. For the first offspring of pride is vainglory, which by corrupting the mind it occupies begets envy, since while it craves for the power of an empty name, it repines for fear lest another should acquire that power.” Consequently the notion of a capital vice does not exclude its originating from another vice, but it demands that it should have some principal reason for being itself the origin of several kinds of sin. However it is perhaps because envy manifestly arises from vainglory, that it is not reckoned a capital sin, either by Isidore (De Summo Bono) or by Cassian (De Instit. Caenob. v, 1).

Reply to Objection 2. It does not follow from the passage quoted that envy is the greatest of sins, but that when the devil tempts us to envy, he is enticing us to that which has its chief place in his heart, for as quoted further on in the same passage, “by the envy of the devil, death came into the world” (Wisdom 2:24).

I did a little more digging and came across this excerpt from Thomas Aquinas’ Summa Theologiae.

St. Ambrose used to instruct people thus:

“Vainglory and pride are one and the same thing. Vainglory manifests its works, so that people see how you go along, how adroitly you do things, while pride then begins to disdain everyone. Vainglory is like a worm—at first it crawls and bends. But when it grows wings, it flies up high, and that is what pride is like.”

This from orthochristian shows the interactions between vainglory and pride. Vainglory in the form of flattery can lead to pride, or a high view of one’s self can lead to vainglory.

Difference between had a pretty good analysis.

Vainglory is a condition that results from the human desire to be seen, appreciated, acknowledged, and accepted. It is often attributed to people who are attention seekers and have a thirst for honors, rewards, status, or other forms of acknowledgment from other people. The pattern of attention is outward and decentralized. In a sense, vainglory is what an audience or other people think of a certain person.

People with vainglory are described as boastful of their achievements whether large or small. They celebrate their accomplishment or qualities in a grand scale. If their assumptions or achievements are ignored or disproved, they act like it was a matter of no consequence.

That’s most women in today’s culture, feminism or not. Feminism is just one of  the way pride and vainglory manifests as envy.

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