Double standards around sex: the purest example of the feminization of Christianity

From Reddit’s sub “Christian Marriage.”

Women, please don’t deny your husbands — 0 upvotes, 50% upvoted

Here’s the post:

Sex for a husband is so essential. Please don’t undermine how important that is to a husband who desires his wife, but doesn’t get any romance. Keep your marriage alive!

And of course, the top few answers:

  • My husband is compassionate about my medical problems. Sex is not all we have and it’s not the most essential. Our love and relationship are much deeper.
  • Sorry but this is not great advice. I was told by a female Christian counselor that “under no circumstances should a Christian wife ever say no to her husband for sex”. So as much as I thought that was some bogus, 18th Century, misogynist advice, I tried it. I did it whenever he wanted with a good attitude. My husband still cheated on me multiple times and watched porn despite having sex with me multiple times a week. Don’t make women feel it’s THEIR DUTY to keep the husband happy. Are you kidding me? This is actually some “wisdom” people are giving out on a Christian sub? Maybe instead the advice should be that both the husband and wife need to focus on other aspects of intimacy so the wife wants to have sex. Some women experience pain, have trauma, don’t feel valued and loved. Why should a woman do this out of OBLIGATION? It should be done out of desire to bring her and her husband closer and same with the husband. Please check your heart and the Bible before spewing this rhetoric.
  • This is definitely true! But also, men, do not forget that you hold part of the key yourselves. Make sure that you act as a man worthy of respect and desire, that you take care of yourself and that you treat her with love and care. No woman wants to have sex with Homer Simpson.
  • One of the hallmarks of being a good husband (or wife, for that matter) is not treating sex as something you are entitled to. Just saying.

Literally a list of excuses why women shouldn’t have sex with their husbands. You know, the one they agreed to “have and to hold.”

Then someone was smart enough to post the opposite one.

Men please don’t deny your wives — 123 upvotes, 100% upvoted

The same exact post but substituted husbands for wives.

Let’s look at the comments.

  • Is this because of the recent post for wives to not deny their husbands? Lol. Both statements are true and need to be heard. I understand that some partners have lower libidos, but the rejection is very painful for the partner being denied. This does a lot of damage in a marriage. Unfortunately, I have found that talking about sex is a little taboo in the Christian community. My husband is still uncomfortable talking about sex, and we’ve been married for 8 years, together for 11.
  • First step, men – stop looking at porn.
  • Amen!
  • Thank you; I needed this. We’ve got a Cold War in our home right now. I’m trying to remain strong, but temptation is ever-present.
  • If you insist
  • This is very important. I went through a depression period. I stopped paying attention to my wife and now I’m paying for it. It’s not her fault, but mine. She did everything – even dyed her hair blonde (although I never asked) so I would notice her. I was too preoccupied with myself to even notice she was looking for attention. We are still together and working on things, but it’s hard. I appreciate any prayers my way. But men – take note of this!

Men being told to stop looking at porn, and men owning up to denying their wives.

Can’t make this stuff up. Literally the same command to both the husbands and the wives to have sex with each other but two drastically different responses from “Christians.”

Posted in Godly mindset & lifestyle, Learning godly behavior | Tagged , | 46 Comments


One of the things most Christians seem to have trouble separating, not just in wider Christian culture but also in various manosphere circles, is that vetting and preferences for marriage are different than how you should treat someone as a fellow Christian.

Marriage is a covenant and supposed to be permanent in God’s eyes. You should be selective on someone who you are making a lifelong covenant with. You want a true Christian (not in name only; who walks the walk), hopefully whose mission is aligned with yours, who is grounded with good character and morals, wants to follow God’s biblical roles and responsibilities, and ideally the least baggage as possible. More on past posts on vetting.

This does not mean those who don’t meet your criteria (whatever they are) are not good Christians or evil in some way. Everyone has sins in their past that they can repent to God and be forgiven. As Christians, we do not need to shame them or make them feel unwelcome once they are in God’s family. We should celebrate and be joyful.

But that does not necessarily mean you need to eliminate different past sins as criteria for who you want to be married. I don’t have anything against non-virgins or single mothers who have repented and are in Christ. In fact, I rejoice with them, but I also wouldn’t marry one. Same with alcoholics, other various addictions, and even murderers (heck, Saul/Paul was one before he was converted).

If you want to marry a single mother that’s great too. I know some men who have and they have godly marriages. However, it is true that it is riskier. It is one that I personally refused having reviewed all of the relevant data. Each man should pray, get wise counsel, and evaluate the risk for himself. If he is satisfied that she is truly repentant and has godly character then who am I to judge? I’ll encourage him and try to help him in his marriage.

Whatever preferences or criteria you have for marriage are fine. One can say some may be unrealistic (as in the case of evangelical american princesses). One could say some are unwise or unfeasible. One should evaluate whether different preferences and criteria are worth having or if they weed out too many otherwise good candidates. However, I don’t think anyone should have any shame for their criteria or preferences for marriage. If you’re a Christian it’s a lifelong thing and you want to make a good choice if you’re not going to stay celibate for life.

Each to his own with no shame, but it is good to be in the Scriptures, praying, and wise about your own preferences and about who you potentially choose to marry including their past.

Posted in Godly mindset & lifestyle | Tagged | 21 Comments

Jesus says follow Me — the correct view of relationships and marriage contrary to the culture

I remember writing this up, but I think I forgot to post it here.

Jesus and the Church are a guide to male and female relationships and marriage. The analogy of husband and wife as Jesus and the Church in Ephesians 5 provides a strong background for how we are to walk in male-female relationships that lead to marriage and in marriage. Christ:Church::husband:wives. This goes against many things in our popular culture and even in the current Church today.

There is the notion in popular culture that men romantically pursue women. This thought has also pervaded the Church in the form of “Jesus is my lover” or “husbands should romance their wives” because “Jesus and God continually pursue you.” This is false. The Father and Jesus both call us or rather present the opportunity, but it is up to us to acknowledge the call and choose to follow.

Matthew 4:18 (NASB) Now as Jesus was walking by the Sea of Galilee, He saw two brothers, Simon who was called Peter, and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea; for they were fishermen. 19 And He said to them, Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” 20 Immediately they left their nets and followed Him. 21 Going on from there He saw two other brothers, James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother, in the boat with Zebedee their father, mending their nets; and He called them. 22 Immediately they left the boat and their father and followed Him.

Jesus had just traveled out of the wilderness where He was tempted and had started to preach the gospel in the surrounding areas. In other words, Jesus started His God-given mission. The disciples saw Jesus on His mission, He invited them to come join Him in the journey, and they wanted to follow Him.

In the context of male-female relationships, remember from the beginning that God created woman to be a helpmeet of man. Jesus demonstrates His mission and presents a clear vision of how He was going to task His disciples when they follow Him: to be fishers of men. In the same way, a man who asks a woman out on a date should already be working toward His God-given mission—evangelize, make disciples, use your Spiritual gifts to build up the body of Christ, and lead ministry. He should also have a clear vision of where she fits in his life as his helpmeet as she is going to help him on his mission. She is also going to fulfill her Biblical roles and responsibilities just as you would to her.

Jesus does not chase after us, nor should men chase after women. This flies in the face of all “romance” that is popular in the culture and Church. Consider when Jesus claims that He is the “Bread of Life” in John 6.

John 6:60 (NASB) Therefore many of His disciples, when they heard this said, “This is a difficult statement; who can listen to it?” 61 But Jesus, conscious that His disciples grumbled at this, said to them, “Does this cause you to stumble? 62 What then if you see the Son of Man ascending to where He was before? 63 It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing; the words that I have spoken to you are spirit and are life. 64 But there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus knew from the beginning who they were who did not believe, and who it was that would betray Him. 65 And He was saying, “For this reason I have said to you, that no one can come to Me unless it has been granted him from the Father.”

66 As a result of this many of His disciples withdrew and were not walking with Him anymore. 67 So Jesus said to the twelve, “You do not want to go away also, do you?” 68 Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life. 69 We have believed and have come to know that You are the Holy One of God.

Jesus challenges all of those that were following Him about His role and place in the Kingdom of God. His invitation is the same: Follow Me and continue to Follow Me. Yet those who were not interested He let walk away. The same is true of God in Romans 1, where He allows humanity to be given over to their sinful passions and lusts if they don’t want to seek Him.

Consider the father’s actions in the Prodigal Son (Luke 15). The son decides he wants his inheritance to go party. The father allows him to go off on his own. The father does not chase after him to persuade him otherwise. Only when the son makes the choice to come back to the father does the father see him in the distance, come out of his house, and run toward him with arms open wide.

The pervasive romantic attitude that men are supposed to pursue women runs contrary to the Father and Jesus’ actions. Both culture and some in the Church would have us believe that Jesus continues to chase after us at all costs. This is only true in the example of the parable of the lost sheep where the shepherd goes to apprehend a sheep that wandered away, yet in that case that sheep was already under the Shepherd’s care (Luke 15). Only after we are committed in marriage are we responsible to seek after that which is ours that is lost. This mirrors the roles and responsibilities of marriage.

The Biblical model for relationships is that men demonstrate and invite, and women choose to respond to that invitation and follow.

If a man asks a woman out on a date and she turns him down, should that man continue to try to be “romantic” and chase after her? Of course not! There’s nothing a man can say or do to convince a woman to like him more. Even if by some measure he wears down her resistance and she capitulates, such a relationship will not work out in the long run because it was not based on her genuine desire to be in the relationship with him. Whether or not she actually acts on it, she will internally desire to leave as soon as the next best thing comes along.

No matter how much you, as a man, may want to be in a relationship with a woman, she also needs to want to be in that relationship. She has to want to follow you, out of genuine desire to be with you.

  • Jesus leads, the Church follows. Men lead, women follow.
  • Jesus doesn’t chase after us. Men should not chase after women.

The goal of a single Christian man should be to carry out his God-given mission wholeheartedly and invite a woman on a date (or to be courted) to see if she wants to follow him. If she isn’t a good follower or isn’t teachable to be a good follower, he should be selective and eliminate her from contention.

The point at which a man starts to pursue after a woman, he slips into a dangerous frame of mind that can easily lead him to start pedestaling her and sin. Adam not saying no to Eve and the serpent in the garden is but one example of putting your wife over the commands of God. He was not deceived but willfully chose her more than obeying God.

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Everything always goes back to the family

When we get into the topic of marriage education, one huge problem is that the Church or even a school curriculum are being considered primary teachers.

Deuteronomy 6 shows us that the father (and mother by extension) are to teach all of the things in the Law to their children both day and night. The modeling of the father and mother show the kids the importance of marriage and how it should work. The Church/gatherings/assemblies are to reinforce this to show that the whole community accepts God’s standards and practices them.

The Church itself is to be a supplement. It’s not an answer. This is why families without strong and good role models (and those especially without a father) have large statistically bad influences on children even if they go to Church. There’s no primary good modeling.

The Church and ideally education should help families to have good marriages, so that they can model those to their kids. But this is limited as it requires husbands and wives to want to do that. This is a big problem in western Christianity because most husbands and wives think it is the Church’s or education system’s responsibility to educate their kids. We can all see how that works out — young people leaving the Church in droves as they go to college.

The state of the Church is only a symptom of the decay of the family. There’s a reason why the leftists/Marxists wanted to destroy the nuclear family.

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How to evaluate sexual compatibility as a Christian with no pre-marital sex and only chaste behavior

This question has been asked a bunch of times before, but it never has had it’s own post.

Let me first say I’m not an expert on this topic, but here’s a bit about how I approached it with my wife. The good fruit that this has born is that I am happy to say that my wife has never once denied me when I really wanted to have it nor have I her. We have had grace for each other if sick or tired a few times, but overall we go out of our way to please the other.

I’m going to go over a bunch of different points here (not everything in the post above), but if you want to read the full timeline of when/how I discussed things you can click the link.


  • Vet for background (e.g. how she grew up, what her parents taught her about sex, if there is any abuse, etc.) to ensure there aren’t any yellow or red flags there which may interfere with intimacy

This gives you some clues into how she was raised and her attitudes toward sex. As one of the many Christian growing up during the “purity” movement, it did warp many Christian men and women’s ideas about what was good and what was bad. It’s was often the case that it was drilled into young adults heads that sex before marriage = bad and sex after marriage = good. While most men can flip a switch to go from no sex to lots of sex, sometimes women have hangups about this because they’ve been doing what is “right” and now even though it’s good to have sex with their husband it still feels “wrong.” You want to see if they can process through any yellow or red flags in their attitudes toward sex.

  • Look not just at virginity but overall chastity. It helps to differentiate if she may hold virginity as an idol, or if she’s being obedient to God

No man or woman should be shamed for preferring a virgin spouse. However, virginity is not a be-all end-all. A “technical virgin” who continues to do everything with men while dating is questionable at best. A woman who had formerly slept with some men but has been chaste for many years since she has been saved is showing that she understands how to obey God.

  • Look at her attitudes toward physical intimacy and acceptance of it For example, you should both want to have sex and have trouble keeping your hands off each other, but you stop yourselves because you want to avoid temptation and honor God.

This should be quite obvious seeing the context of 1 Corinthians 7. Paul describes that “because of fornications” that men and women should marry because they were burning with passion for each other. Beware of women (or men for women) who want to be in a relationships or marriage but don’t have a hard time keeping their hands off you. They may be in it for other reasons, but less likely want to fulfill their own duty toward you. Which leads into…

  • Go over the Bible passages on marriage with her and ask for her opinions (you must ask her to give her opinions before giving yours, so you don’t unnecessarily influence her toward your perspective).

1 Corinthians on denial of sex is a big one. If she is a true Christian and unselfish she will want to have sex even if she doesn’t feel like it and same with you as a husband. It is must to go over this passage with a prospective spouse and see their attitude toward it.

  • Ask about her libido.

Many men never ask, but it’s important. Does she want to have sex? How is her sex drive? What is a reasonable amount of sex in marriage to her? What if your numbers are so drastically different such as you want to do it everyday while she wants to do it once every couple weeks?

  • Look at how she treats others and you. The more unselfishness and respect for others you see, the more likely it is that she won’t deny sex.

The Christian walk is often filled with loving and serving others *even when we don’t want to*. You want a Christian who walks the walk. Also, read the Christian Brad Pitt thought experiment as it explains how a woman generally will act if she’s attracted. She’ll want to go out of her way to follow you and be with you. This includes sex.

  • Examine attitudes and actions toward birth control (and if she is taking any), exercise, sleep, and other factors as that can influence a woman’s sex drive

These are often overlooked. Aside from the potential side effects of things like birth control (cancer, blood clots, etc.) there are other things like changing a woman’s preferences and sex drive that get glossed over. There’s a few examples in the OYS threads about men realizing their wives libido was killed by birth control. You don’t want to get married to someone who is taking birth control who is attracted to you and then when she goes off she thinks you’re not attractive and doesn’t want to have sex with you. Likewise, lifestyle stuff is important because things like high stress and lack of health all can contribute to lower sex drive.

While sex is not everything, it’s easy for it to become an issue in a marriage especially when you’re the one getting denied. These difference points can allow you to investigate a woman or man’s potential attitudes and actions toward sex which will give you a good idea if they want to have sex with you and if they’ll deny you or not.

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Headship in Genesis

I’ve already gone over why there was headship before the fall. Even as CBMW has gotten a lot of stuff wrong, they did get this right in 1987 Danver’s statement.

Adam’s headship in marriage was established by God before the Fall, and was not a result of sin (Gen 2:16-18, 21-24, 3:1-13; 1 Cor 11:7-9).

It’s pretty interesting how there is a strong alignment of God’s perfect Creation and the New Creation.

Genesis 2:18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” 19 Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. 20 The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. 21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. 22 The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. 23 The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.”

24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

  • v18 – Man is alone and needs a helper.
  • v19-20 – God shows one way how man is tasked with authority and dominion over the animals by naming them (from prior Genesis 1 “dominion over all the earth”).
  • v21-22 – God creates woman from man.
  • v23 – Adam’s statement parallels naming Eve (headship authority) and covenant vows.
  • v24 – Marriage is a man leaving his parents (independence), forming a new family unit with his wife (cleave), and becoming one flesh (covenant).

Paul in Ephesians 5 references the Creation in Genesis several times, much like he does in other passages in the Scriptures (e.g. 1 Corinthians 11, 1 Timothy 2, etc.).

Ephesians 5:22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

Husbands and wives are to emulate Christ and the Church, which also emulates Adam and Eve’s Creation. Adam:Eve::Christ:Church::husbands:wives.

  • Gen 2:19-20 – God sends Jesus to take back dominion over all the earth as the Messiah. Jesus passes His mission on to Christians (Matthew 28) to be co-workers with God (1 Corinthians 3).
  • Genesis 2:21-22 – Eve was formed from Adam, so too the Church is formed from Christ. Christians are partakers in the New Covenant through Christ’s sacrifice for us. His blood washes away our sins to those who repent and follow Him, and we remember this through His body and blood (communion).
  • Genesis 2:23-24 – Jesus departs from God and is to be joined to His bride, the Church. He is the head, the Savior of the body, just as Eve was formed from the body of Adam and Adam is the head.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

Genesis 2:16 The Lord God commanded the man, saying, “From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; 17 but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.”

Genesis 3:6 When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate.

Genesis 3:17 Then to Adam He said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you, saying, ‘You shall not eat from it’;

Christ loves the Church for the purpose of sanctification. Where Adam stumbled, Christ reigned. Husbands are to emulate Christ as the head over their wives by teaching and helping them to be sanctified unlike Adam did with his wife.

Ephesians 5:28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body.

Like in Genesis 2:21-22, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies — like Eve who was fashioned from Adam, and Christians who are saved by Christ’s sacrifice through His body and blood. They are one flesh with their wives through covenant, and must treat them as themselves.

Ephesians 5:31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

Finally, like in Genesis 2:23-24, the covenant of marriage is reaffirmed both in reference to Adam and Eve in Genesis and Christ and the Church. A husband is to treat his wife as part of his body (Adam and Eve, Christ and the Church) and a wife must respect/reverence/fear her husband as he is her head (as Adam was Eve’s head and Christ it the Church’s head).

Headship was originally created for Adam and Eve by God in order that they fulfill their mandate on the earth to take dominion, be fruitful and multiply, tend to the garden and obey God by not eating of the forbidden fruit. Similarly, headship functions in the similar way with Christ and the Church and husbands and wives in the New Creation in Christ.

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Idealism and Opportunism are not sex specific

Reading for Scott’s post on Sigma, I was reminded of one of the common manosphere tropes is that men love idealistically and women love opportunistically.

This is false, but there are half truths to it.

Men can seem to love idealistically in a few different scenarios:

  • When they’re infatuated and believe a woman can do no wrong. Some men eventually fall out of this, but some men carry it with them straight to marriage and divorce. This is similar to the so-called blue pill culture and Church where men can be blindsided by a divorce because he (1) does not know how his wife or girlfriend is feeling and (2) he doesn’t understand women’s nature.
  • It is men who primarily initiate and pursue in the culture (if we look to Jesus we see that He initiates but does not pursue), men tend to get more girlfriends and wives that were maybe only half or partially interested in them rather than fully invested. Aside from some of the other forces in the culture, this also skews the breakups and divorces more toward the side of the women. In other words, men generally don’t ask out and pursue women that they are unhappy or not satisfied with, but women do accept dates, boyfriends, and even marriage sometimes with men who they aren’t satisfied completely with. Men can often assume that a woman is fully invested in him when she isn’t, and that leads to a disparity where he can get blindsided.
  • Men can choose to love idealistically in terms of Christ. Although this idealistic (agape) love is different than the above feelings/erotic based love.

There are also many men who do not love idealistically in either sense of the above examples, and they are very opportunistic in terms of spinning plates, cheating, and otherwise can’t keep it in their pants.

Women can seem to also love idealistically under the same scenarios as men do.

  • Alpha widows are primary examples of women loving idealistically under the infatuation scenario. This is the case even when they are with men who are abusive. They will stay and keep saying he’s perfect and awesome and just misunderstood.
  • While it is much rarer, a woman can pursue a man at all costs until she gets with him. In this scenario, is it often the man who can be half hearted about being with her and eventually take the opportunity to leave. I saw a couple scenarios like this in college, but very few after college.
  • Women can choose to love idealistically in terms of Christ. Although I find this to be much rarer according to the divorce statistics because women tend to be less content on average. What tends to be more important in these cases is obviously the Biblical command of respect and submission for wives as that helps get them in the right frame of mind to love.

The Scripture even lauds some examples of women who were idealistic in their love for their husbands.

1 Peter 3:1 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 3 Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; 4 but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. 5 For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; 6 just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

If you go back to Genesis and read the story what Abraham put her through with Abimelech and Pharaoh, that is some idealistic love much like you would see from women who are extremely strongly bonded to their man today.

The problem with a lot of conventional RP wisdom is that there are a lot of half truths that sound right, but when you examine them they’re false.

The reason why this particular trope tends to get traction is because the men talking around the manosphere were or are primarily:

  1. Unattractive and there to understand women and get one for themselves. They were previous “blue pill” and one of the infatuation types who loved their woman for who they were, even as she was pursuing other men more attractive than him. This is what eventually got them to stumble upon why his woman didn’t accept him for who he was and left him.
  2. Frivorced and/or blindsided by their wives or dumped by their girlfriends (and haven’t dumped women much if at all themselves). In general, if the boyfriend or husband was super committed to the marriage but the girlfriend or wife was not, the blindside makes it seems like they were all in and the women were not… when it was just the case that they couldn’t read the situation nor understand the nature of women.

As mentioned before, the culture also sets up the pursuers mentality and devalues men that more often biases men toward the infatuation route as opposed to understanding where he fits in the grand scheme of things and making decisions not based on infatuation.

To conclude, saying one sex and the other is idealistic and opportunistic has some half truths, but that’s like saying men are logical and women are emotional. Yes, there is some bias for men being more logical and women emotional, but both are capable of each. Many men are capable of opportunism, and while fewer women are capable of idealism there are a bunch.

Most of the idealistic love you see in popular culture is based on infatuation, and it’s no wonder why both men and women often get their hearts broken from it (men blindsided by frivorce or dumped, and women alpha widowed).

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Changes reveal weaknesses

One of the big things I’ve been seeing over this lockdown is that a lot of relationships and marriages have gotten better and a lot of have gotten worse.

If the marriages were not built on a good foundation and just superficial things where you could put off issues like going to work or do other things, then they have gotten worse. They’re spending a much greater amount of time with each other, and it’s revealing weaknesses that have been put off. They’re more like roommates than married.

On the other hand, the marriages that have gotten stronger are ones where a husband and wife have built their marriages on God and family. Thus, spending much more time with each other has strengthened those bonds with each other and the kids if any.

The same thing has occurred with other romantic relationships but to a lesser extent. The challenge of the “social distancing” have either helped or hurt because people have more time now and either spend it on relationships or just staying busy.

From what I’ve seen, this scenario has only really helped my own marriage and relationships. If it hasn’t, perhaps these are some things to consider and think about in your own relationships and marriages. How are we spending the time? How are our relationships and marriages growing?

The same can be true of our own time with God. It gives us a window to either walk toward growth or let things deteriorate.

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Happy wife, happy life should be sanctified wife, joyful and peaceful life

It should be pretty obvious that happy wife, happy life is wrong. I’ve been trying to think up a better maxim which is theologically sound.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

“Sanctified wife” is obviously what all husband should aim for as to emulate Christ’s love.

As one is sanctified and filled with the Spirit, the fruit of the Spirit become manifest.

Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

1 Thessalonians 5:16 Rejoice always; 17 pray without ceasing; 18 in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Sanctification of both the husband and the wife should result in the peace and joy of the Spirit becoming manifest throughout the marriage, which is a witness to both non-Christians and Christian marriages that are not.

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Nuances of marriage data: it’s really not that hard to get married

From what I’ve seen, there is a lot of taking the fact that women are generally only attracted to the top 20% of men out of context. I also don’t agree with much of the hopelessness discussion from the comments on Jack’s post.

In a vacuum, women may only be attracted to the top 20% of men (specifically visually on OK Cupid). However, it’s not the case that women are only attracted to just these 20% of men. I definitely fall into the bottom 80% for not being conventionally physically attractive, but as we talked about in Meet Cutes – are they common I am attractive in certain niche circumstances like when I’ve been in a teaching or leadership position.

Now if we look at the never married data from reddit and Dalrock we see a few things.

Overall, it used to be in the US, as with most cultures, that 95% of women got married in the past. As the data show, that is trending toward maybe 15-20%. Maybe a bit higher. However, what is also not mentioned is the fact that marriage is being replaced with mainly serial cohabitation for many which is basically the same thing for the non-Christians.


Approximately 80-85% of women still make it to marriage. The percentage is slightly less for men since men generally have a better time getting remarried after divorce than women to non-married. So let’s say it’s about 80%.

Of this 80%, approximately 20% of those are sexless marriages and approximately 40% of first marriages end in divorce. It’s hard to say how many of those sexless marriages ultimately end up in divorce, but I’d say it’s probably most of them. Given how pro-feminism the US and rest of the West is growing (pretty much all media, culture, and functional egalitarian and “complementarism” in the Church), I’m actually surprised the 60% of first marriages are permanent which is approximately half of the population: 80% * 60% = 48%.

70% of the population is now overweight or obese, which also means that with 80% of the population getting married maybe about 25% are normal and underweight while 55% are overweight or obese. This would leave approximately 5% of the underweight and normal weight population not getting married, and 15% of the overweight and obese not getting married. This is approximately correct from my obesity analysis.

As Novaseeker frequently says: Just look at the people at Walmart who have gotten married to see that looks don’t really matter much in just getting married. Usually those who are overweight or obese tend to have other things going for them like being funny or charismatic, but even then 55 out of the 70% of the population that is overweight or obese is still getting married which is about a (55/70 = ~68%) or 70% marriage rate. Yes, ~70% of people that are overweight or obese still get married.

This leads to a few conclusions:

  • It’s not that hard to get married: just don’t be in the bottom 20%. It’s pretty easy to get out of the bottom 20% as not being overweight or obese is most of the way there already. If you’re actively working on other physical appearance (being muscular, good diet, grooming, style) and on personality (not being conversationally awkward, learning to be the head, leading conversations, etc.) then you’re definitely not in the bottom 20%.
  • If you want a permanent and non-sexless marriage: just don’t be in the bottom 50%. Half of the battle is learning how to be a good leader since the vast majority of relationships are steeped in feminism and inverted roles already. Most divorces are initiated by wives (losing respect and not wanting to have sex with their husbands). If you keep up a good physical appearance and are actively engaged in your mission for God and strive to obey God’s marriage roles and responsibilities (be the head!) then you’re already there.
  • Yes, maybe you don’t have some meet-cute type of thing where you did nothing and your wife was attracted to you like the top 20%, but you don’t need to have that. No man needs to be in the top 20% to reach the previous bullet point threshold, although it opens up your options more so that you can be more selective in who you marry. Top 20% if a good threshold to aim for though in general.

To elaborate on what being better than 50% is in reality,  the average American man is 5’9″ and 200 lbs which is 29.5 BMI (25-29.9 BMI is overweight and obesity is > 30 BMI). He’s also steeped in culture and likes to make “wife is the boss” and “she’ll get mad if I do that” jokes. You’re telling me that most men can’t be better than that? Yeah, no.

Both women and men continue to fall for the apex fallacy. You don’t need to be top 20% to get married and have a permanent and non-sexless marriage. It’s much easier when you know you only have to be top 50% and even just to get married not the bottom 20%.

The issue for many is the calibration of attractiveness. Many/some men and women don’t want to marry someone who is overweight or obese or has other issues with certain things. This can price them out of the pool of candidates that would go on dates and/or marry them. That is their prerogative though. The more selective you are, the harder it will be to find someone who meets that criteria.

I know we’ve discussed on this blog about all of the different criteria, but at the end of the day it’s just risk profiles. Each man can determine how much risk they want to take on to be married.

If one thinks that they’re too far down the totem pole for whatever reasons and nothing is every going to convince them to marry, or they just don’t want to worry, then do as the Bible says: stay single and serve God wholeheartedly.

Posted in Godly mindset & lifestyle | Tagged | 16 Comments