Christian nice guys are stunted in growth

As you may very well know, Christian “nice guys” are often compared with deadbeats or unemployed man-boys that live in their parents’ basement that play video games and don’t take responsibility to be intentional with women.

The message to many of these men in the church from pastors and organizations such as Mark Driscoll, Dobson, FotF, and others is to “man up and marry and serve more.”

The irony is that they are part right and part wrong. The message to “man up” not so many words is a good one. However, it must be divorced from “marry and serve more.”

Dumping responsibility on a “boy” or “man-boy” who has not developed a sense of responsibility will only make the problem worse. You see this all of the time as Christian nice guys marry women only when they reach the wall, and why the Christian divorce rate is sky high.

Putting a “burden” on the back of a Christian nice guy who is unprepared to accept it will only break him and his marriage.

First, we must understand what the feminization of the Church has caused, which is that men are to be more like women. Therefore, we have our first revelation. Christian nice guys have the same mindset as women do.

  • Christian nice guys want to feel loved. Not respected.
  • Christian nice guys are fearful.
  • Christian nice guys are dependent.
  • Christian nice guys are more emotional.
  • Christian nice guys are passive.
  • Christian nice guys try to be sensitive.
  • Christian nice guys tend to be weak.
  • Christian nice guys tend to be exceedingly self critical.
  • Christian nice guys tend to be too accepting or accomodating.

Since many men now grow up either with passive, weak, emotional, fathers or have no fathers at all but single mothers, there is no one to teach “boys” to become “men” so they become like “women” instead. This is precisely why they are unattractive to women.

The key to unlock this is what is the key to becoming a masculine man?

Traditionally, masculinity was forged in adolescence where the father talked to the son about women, sex, and life, and they also bonded over challenges in activities with teaching.

The primary conclusion that we must make as we connect the dots is that boys have to overcome challenges to be men. As I said to Seriouslypleasedropit in the previous thread,

Most Christian men are stuck in the prison of their own mind of which they are afraid to leave.

And here is where the change needs to occur.

Christian nice guys MUST be prepared to start to be uncomfortable and to grow. If they are not prepared to grow, they are not prepared to become men and will wallow in their situation of their choosing.

Masculinity is forged in difficult situations. To overcome difficult situations, you have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations because the stress of such situations is what is going to force you to adapt or die trying. Whether there is a success or failure there is a learning experience, and it is from a learning experience from which masculinity is going to take hold in the fertile soil and sprout.

However, this is the key. Most boys as they’re learning are willing to fail as they do things. Yet, there is encouragement from the father to keep trying and eventually they succeed. If you challenge boys to impossible situations they will ultimately give up and stop trying eventually often times because they do not know what to do which is making them fail. This is why throwing Christian nice guys into man up marriage situations is a horrendous idea.

Therefore, the path to growth must be measurable incremented steps. Failure is inevitable. But there will be some successes, and there will be growth. This is how men are forged. And it helps to have men around you who are like minded.

Proverbs 27:17

Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another.

To start growing you must be prepared to be uncomfortable and face your fears.

The following prayer is something like I have prayed for everyday for the past 6 months, and in that time I have seen immense growth. I pray that many of you take it to heart too.

Heavenly father,
Place me in an uncomfortable situation today [with other people], and help me to overcome it and make the right decisions. But even if I don’t use the situation to teach me something about You.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Be aware. When you ask God for something be prepared for Him to answer it because He will.

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13 Responses to Christian nice guys are stunted in growth

  1. Pingback: Christian masculinity, the nice guy, and neediness | Reflections on Christianity and the manosphere

  2. donalgraeme says:

    My comment in the previous thread is also appropriate to this one as well.

  3. Looking Glass says:

    This is more rolling forward a bit, but I like to get “big ideas” down into analogies or fairly straight forward explanations that are short. With all of this, I think the functional “Why wasn’t I told this stuff?” can be rolled into a pretty easy explanation. (You follow up with the Details, but the Big Idea is straight forward)

    Masculinity is a Knife: the most functionally important tool ever created by Humans. But like Fire and Guns, it is dangerous when allow to flail or unmastered. And, like Guns, Knives and Fire, the entire modern World has stopped teaching mastery in the last 75 years. Now, it is about denial, rendering you weak, controllable and impotent.

    But, when focused to God’s Will, it is the drive, Faith and Love that shatters the Gates of Hell and rocks the very foundations of the World. This is *why* it was denied to you: to deny you your Faith.

    Back on this posts direct topic, the reason the “Man Up!” rants actually carry weight is due to being, on the whole, correct. Guys know they’re weak. The issue, which is built into the Rants, is that “manning up!” to the ranter’s definition is to serve Satan’s Will even better. That is the trap of the World and the Churchian frames. By controlling the assumptions, they control the possible outcomes. We shall break the Frame, and break this Age at the same time.

  4. Looking Glass says:

    Another way to view the problem could be like this:

    It’s another version of Iconoclasm or Aestheticism, but devoid of Spiritual meaning and used to control Men. Yes, there is nothing new under the Sun.

  5. I have a post coming that somewhat is a reply these comments. Hold on!

  6. femininebutnotfeminist says:

    This is true… no woman, deep down, wants to marry a man that acts like a woman. What most men don’t understand is this: women look around and see (for the most part, there are exceptions) 2 kinds of men. There are nice guys who are passive, and there are jerks who take charge and lead. Every woman wants a man who will take charge and lead, but still be nice (kind) but not nice (a wimpy pushover). When women ask where all the good guys have gone, this combination is what is being referred to. When we are faced with the first 2 choices, the vast majority of women (but not all) will choose the jerk because they don’t want a pushover. A man who is the right combination of strong leader that is kind but not a pushover would be highly valued by most women. At least, any woman with even a little bit of sense.

  7. Pingback: Fear the final frontier | Reflections on Christianity and the manosphere

  8. Pingback: Christian Masculinity | Free Northerner

  9. Pingback: The Godly Masculinity Compendium | Donal Graeme

  10. bear says:

    @ looking glass.
    That is a very salient point about masculinity needing to be mastered and how for the 3/4 century it has been replaced by denial with disastrous results. Very few in the manosphere ( christian or secular) teach the concept of mastery . A few exceptions come to mind like the guy over at the blog Bold and Determined. But they remain the exception not the rule.

  11. CHero says:

    Rereading this and I’m thinking about what to do to get out of my comfort zone. Interacting with churchfolk–men and women–for extended periods of time would be a huge step for me. I’m afraid of being used by women and being unable to relate to men (i.e. interests, ideals, hobbies, etc.) and being identified as unmasculine so I prefer to keep myself.

  12. @ CHero

    Start talking to everyone. It’s easy to get absorbed in your own head. The more you talk to other people the more comfortable you get with it, and you should be finding out about other Christian’s lives and doing life with them anyway.

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