There’s been some good discussion in Tinder reaffirmed the 80/20 rule and Donal’s follow up on that post in Just how universal is the 80/20 rule.
Going back to the very first post on my blog Practical ways to improve your attractiveness and desirability for a Christian spouse, which was deleted off of Boundless, there is the general case that for men and women that:
[Women] conclusion: Women your physical beauty will get you in the door, and your personality and spirituality will make him want to keep you. While the latter is the most important, you cannot neglect the former if you want to get married.
[Men] conclusion: Men your masculine personality and confidence will get you in the door, and your ability to lead her spiritually will make her want to keep you. While the latter is the most important, you cannot neglect the former if you want to get married.
Obviously, I didn’t include appearance in the conclusion which does play a significant role as it forms a distinct first impression. First impressions are big. Women generally like tall men, with muscles, with clean style and hair, and good fashion. There are some exceptions based on amount of musculature, hair style and fashion depending on which crowds she runs with, but these are generally the core of an attractive appearance.
If we were to break it down further, it would generally be along the lines like this:
- First impression — how tall you are, musculature, hair and style. Your body language and how you act from a distance.
- First communication — your body language while you communicate, your charisma, your ability to exude masculine traits (confidence, boldness, strength, manliness, independence, etc.) through your words, and overall create a fun but stimulating aura.
- Pre-date — Your consistency in exuding attractiveness in terms of masculinity. May be able to avoid this if you ask her out on a date right away.
- Dating and later Relationship — Learning about your other qualities on whether you are a good mate choice or not. For Christians this tends to be faith, good morals and character, how you treat your family, friends, and others, what you’re like as time goes on (if you’re trying to hide anything or just put your best foot forward all of the time), etc.
- Engagement and then marriage — If you’re at this point, you’re already a good choice from her perspective. If you’re not, then she’s desperate which means you may be in trouble in the long run.
In general, Christian men fail these steps at all levels.
Christian men have terrible first impressions. They don’t have any sense of style. They don’t work out. They’re afraid to go talk to women (don’t even make the communication). If they do, they definitely do NOT exude masculinity around women in any sense of the word. They’re timid. They don’t know how to flirt or tease a woman. And so on. I don’t really need to go over all of these to show you that most of the men in the Church today do not exhibit any of these traits.
Now to switch gears, I’ll add in Snapper’s questions on the Curse of the romantic Beta here to comment on them. This is important for men to understand.
It is my experience that women love for alpha guys to treat them poorly. This feeds their need for drama and excitement. For some ladies life is ALL drama and ALL excitement, and these types of ladies are screwed up. Think almost any celebrity woman who is around alpha male celebrities.
Why do women want to have fun and be stimulated? Emotions. Generally, women both in the Scripture and society are a protected and provided for class. They don’t have to deal with all of the crap that men slog through to make themselves something in the world. Women HATE dealing with responsibility and bad situations because it brings them down emotionally (likely one of the reasons why God created man to be the head in marriage). On the flip side, women LOVE being emotionally stimulated and having fun. Her worst nightmare is a man who is *gasp* boring. A secular woman and even some Christian women will take the bad boy over the boring, to her detriment.
A man does not have to treat women like trash or create insane drama to be attractive to women. Such things are stimulating to be sure, but they are definitely inclined toward evil because they are destructive. The general thing is that you should be having fun yourself but in a way that builds up the relationship. For example, these are ways you can do it:
- Have a good sense of humor
- Tease her about her opinions or style or other things. Avoid sensitive topics (e.g. teasing her about her weight, especially if you know she’s trying to lose weight).
- Assume that you’re always right when assert make an opinion and make up crazy answers about why she is wrong
- Fake bully her with your strength. One of the fun things I’ve been doing with my wife is we got on the topic of the “floor is lava” but in the context of “off the sidewalk is lava.” Of course, I started pushing her off the sidewalk for fun, and she’s tried to push me off but can’t since I’m stronger. She’s since gotten me once though.. ugh!
- Misinterpret things she says. Can also play into humor. “That’s what she said.”
- Don’t take her seriously when she’s serious and take her seriously when she’s playing. Although you have to be mindful on this as it can turn into real anger.
- Playful sexism. “You just sit there and look pretty.” I’ve also told one of my friend’s wife to “run along because the men were talking” to good effect. She laughed and faked outrage.
There’s other sources who would say to treat an attractive woman like she’s a bratty little sister, and there is some merit to that. In general, the common thread among all of these is this: (1) they don’t put a woman on the pedestal, and (2) they treat a woman like a woman, not just like a man with boobs.
The reason why most people think that “jerks” are attractive to women is because there are not many Christian men who are attractive. The reason for this is like I’ve said for a long time: bad boys retain their masculinity because they don’t give a crap about what society says about how “toxic” masculinity is whereas the Christian nice guys become feminized because they buy into cultural standards of masculinity (which are evil and the churchians peddle). Who is a woman going to choose? The masculine man or the feminized man? A feminized man is basically just like one of her girl friends. An emotional sponge to pour out her feelings with zero attraction and romantic interest. (And this is where the false notion of the ladder theory comes from).
Now it is my understanding that a guy should be a proper mix of both alpha (drama) and beta (romance) to keep a relationship healthy, though the “proper mix” of yesteryear is much different from modern times. I refer a lot to the movie “In the Heart of the Sea” in which the main character leaves his pregnant wife behind to go to work, on the sea, for two years hunting whale oil. For the time period he seems to be exhibiting a good balance of alpha/beta traits in that he is very well built physically (from his work), he works a dangerous “alpha” job, yet he cares for and loves his wife when he is with her. This gives her a good balance of both drama and romance. While he is away she can worry about what he is doing, who he is with and whether or not he is still alive, and while he is home he spends time with her and likely brings her back various gifts and trinkets from different ports-of-call.
It is also not so much “alpha” and “beta” but “roles” and “responsibilities.” They are not mutually exclusive and do not need to be balanced.
Women are sexually attracted to masculine leaders, protectors and providers. The role of a man in marriage is a masculine leader and protectors and these also display the quintessential masculine traits: independence, boldness, decisiveness, strength, courage, competitiveness, and so on. The responsibilities of a man in marriage is to be a provider, nourish and care for his wife, with sound Christian faith, moral, and character.
The question is how does the beta husband/boyfriend break free from the curse of romance? For the boyfriend its not so difficult. Change. That’s it. If your lady doesn’t like it, let her walk. Its probably better that way anyway because she has already cemented you in her mind as her beta romance fix. Better to find a clean slate and make a new first impression as the alpha jerk who sometimes has a heart of gold.
For husbands its a much more difficult endeavor. Your wife has already cemented you as her beta romance fix, and simply walking away is not a pleasant option. If your a Christian then walking away is sin, as we are commanded not to part from our wives, and to continue to provide for them (1 Timothy 5:8). Christian or not, husbands also have the pleasant fun of looking down the barrel of the modern divorce court system that almost guarantees your wife walks away with half or more of your stuff, your money and possibly your livelihood if she decides to leave because she doesn’t like the “new you”. Like the unmarried, a married man can simply “change”, but he must live with the fallout. His wife may take a liking to his new attitude, but it is more likely that she will not. She wants her alpha drama fix, but not from you. You are her romance fix, and she will not want to give that up. It gives her power to have an expectation of romance from you. The power to administer guilt, which gives her the power to make demands.
As we know, if an attractive man brought a woman roses she would love it, but if an unattractive or creepy man brought her roses she would go “ewww.” This is where the SNL skit about be attractive, don’t be unattractive rings true.
The best way to think about romance in Scriptural terms is the “nourish and cherish” command to husbands from Ephesian 5. Romance doesn’t need to be some elaborate weekend getaway. It doesn’t need to be a love letter or poem. It doesn’t even have to be about getting chocolates or flowers. It does not necessarily have to be about doing anything or saying anything in particular. It’s about showing you’re thinking about her and that you care.
Now, Christian husbands who are stuck need mainly focus on being a better masculine leader and protector. Work out, dress well, clean shaven, be ambitious at work, take the lead at home in the relationship, make decisive decisions, don’t waffle. By being a better masculine leader and protector you are ACTUALLY showing her romance.
Why is this? To understand this, we need to go back further to some old(er) material on this blog.
Generally, if a husband has become complacent into letting his wife run the marriage or not being a proactive masculine leader in the marriage, the wife becomes discontent and unhappy. This is usually accompanied with decreasing physical fitness, getting fat, and overall sloppiness or laziness.
What occurs most of the time is that the wife sees the vacuum of the leadership position and has taken up the position. This happens because the husband has voluntarily abdicated and/or the wife has willingly or unknowingly tried usurp the position. In essence, the wife steps into the authority position and has become your mother instead of your wife. Ever notice how “nagging” sounds exactly like when your mother told you to go clean up your room or do your chores? Yup, same thing. Your mother had authority to go make you do it, but if this happens in the marriage relationship your wife is stepping into the head of the relationship in the vacuum that you created either by abdicating and/or letting her usurp it.
A husband, by taking up his proper roles and responsibilities in the relationship, is actually removing his wife from those positions that she may have unwillingly and/or unwittingly taken. This will cause the stress level of the wife to go down drastically, and it will make her feel more loved. Why is this the case?
If we look at the Scriptures, it is the husbands role and responsibility to love his wife. A wife feels loved by her husband in his proper role. If the wife is in the headship position, she will feel like she is mothering her husband. She is going to feel unloved because her husband is not her husband but in effect her child. Once you reverse the roles to their proper Scriptural place, she will feel loved again because the husband in his proper role carrying out his responsibility. No need for the go out of your way to do housework stuff that is purported as “romance” by the churchians.
It’s really quite simple when you analyze it in the context of the Scriptures, but modern Christians who have been deceived by culture like to do things that do not align with the Word of God.