Cooper and Anna Kupp are currently a great example for Christian marriage

I don’t say people are great example lightly, but if you’ve read the recent on Cooper Kupp and his wife Anna you’ll see that their story is one many young Christian married people should take note of.

Had another post lined up, but felt this was a better one based on the fact Cooper’s team won in dramatic fashion yesterday off two big catches he had on the last 2 plays of the game — 2 minute highlight video of the two teams dueling it out at the end. If you don’t follow the NFL, Cooper Kupp is a wide receiver on the Los Angeles Rams and is one of the best receivers in the entire game and playing in the NFC Championship game next weekend. Article below.

https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/33109684/the-making-cooper-kupp-los-angeles-rams-receiver-credits-wife-inspiration-superstar-turn

Kupp and then-Anna Croskrey met at a track meet as high school seniors.

“I knew that she was the one that I wanted to marry when we had first met back in high school,” Kupp said. “I told my mom the day I met her, ‘I’m going to marry this girl.'”

They began dating before Anna headed to the SEC, where she competed as a heptathlete at the University of Arkansas. But not long after, they decided the distance and separation was untenable.

Anna enrolled at Eastern Washington, losing nearly two years of course credits that wouldn’t transfer and caused her to double-time it so she could graduate on time.

She and Kupp, both grounded in their faith and family, became inseparable.

“Coop and Anna — they were a team,” said Zach Wimberly, a former Eastern Washington teammate. “No matter what they did, they’re doing it together.”

It only seemed natural that they would get married the summer following her return. No need to wait.

“We just were so aligned in terms of what our goals were and what we wanted to do moving forward and what we wanted to be about as a couple,” Kupp said. “And the belief that football was the community, was the place that I was supposed to be, that we were supposed to be, and that’s where God placed us.”

After football practice, Kupp drove his white Nissan Pathfinder — often with teammates in passenger seats hoping their ride wouldn’t experience one of its infamous breakdowns — across the Eastern Washington campus from the red-turf Roos Field to the restaurant, where a special someone would be expecting him.

Behind the cash register or serving orders in Styrofoam containers, his wife, Anna Kupp, worked her first job.

“I supported us monetarily through college,” Anna said, laughing, almost in disbelief she pulled it off. “I was working full time so that he didn’t have to worry about that, so that he could focus.”

Cooper’s goals pertained to football, and he discovered after a summer of morning workouts followed by an afternoon landscaping gig that he felt exhausted when the season rolled around.
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Football, along with school, had to be his full-time job. Anna supported and sacrificed, while also attending college, in every way she could.

Fairly humble beginnings. Cooper Kupp has part of mission for God through ministering and working in football and being a good example there. Anna is on board.

Anna basically sacrificed her college (lost 2 years of credits transferring) and worked at a diner through college to support Cooper so that he could fully focus on football. Nothing was too “low” or “demeaning” for Anna to be a great helper (e.g. Genesis 2) to Cooper.

The question of “Why so soon?” often arose — Cooper was 22 and Anna 21 — with skepticism they would miss the rite of passage young adults experience in college.

“A lot of people ask, ‘Why did you guys get married so young? Didn’t you feel you were missing out?'” Anna said. “And you’re telling them, ‘No, we actually think the opposite. We feel so lucky to have found someone that we love and cherish so much so early.'”

They re-framed the so-called “worldly wisdom” of:

  • experimenting
  • getting to know lots of differnet people before marrying (aka fornicating)
  • waiting to marry and settle down
  • waiting until after college and getting a good job
  • and many others

These talking points are always espoused by both liberals and the cucked tradcons instead of understanding what is truly important. The delays in marriage and negative consequences of fornication are becoming more and more prevalent each day.

“Without a doubt, there’s no doubt in my mind, not only would I not be here where I am today without her or accomplishing the things that I would be doing,” Kupp said. “I really believe I may not be in this — I may not be in the NFL if it wasn’t for her and what she has inspired in me and pushed me to do.”

But when asked on a late-October day after practice — as his historic season mounted — what we don’t already know about him, Kupp was quick to respond.

Anna, he said, doesn’t get enough — or really hasn’t received any — credit for his accomplishments.

And she should.

It could be curious, given his track record of dedication, why Kupp was so adamant that he wouldn’t have been able to succeed at the highest level without Anna.

“Anna is his rock,” said Austin Wagner, Kupp’s best friend from high school. “I don’t think there’s a Cooper without what Anna’s done for him. She’s a person that really expects a lot out of the people around her and has kind of a high threshold for excellence

“Cooper works harder because of that.”

It’s interesting because his friend tries to put it into words but gets it a bit wrong. It’s not that his wife is his rock, but that Cooper is sincerely and extremely grateful of having such a supportive wife that builds him up and doesn’t tear him down. Wives should be aspiring to that.

Often, where you’d see Cooper, there’d be Anna. It was the college experience they wanted and created.

“Being able to find time to be together and find meaningful time together, but also getting things done, I’m just so appreciative,” Cooper said. “Appreciative of her and her willingness to do all that.”

Anna was a fixture at pregame movie nights with Kupp and a few of his closest teammates.

“Movie nights were the best,” said teammate Jordan West, one of Cooper’s groomsmen. “We’d watch everything from ‘Finding Nemo’ to ‘Gladiator’ to ‘Miracle.'”

Anna would work out on the field during offseason 7-on-7 contests and challenge Cooper in the weight room.

“I’d go and do a CrossFit workout with her and she would just run laps around me in these workouts,” Kupp said. “I mean, it is unbelievable.”

She’d watch film with him, usually sitting at receivers coach Nick Edward’s desk, where she’d bring her homework or a book.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’d walk in and Coop would be sitting there watching film and Anna would be there with him as well,” Wimberly said.

And on game days, Anna would put together goodie bags, with cookies and a passage or note written by Cooper, to set at players’ lockers.

“This can’t get me into too much trouble now, but I had a key to the facilities and was able to get into the locker room whenever I wanted to,” Kupp admitted. “So I’d just give her the keys to go into the locker room and she would put them in guys’ lockers and get out of there.”

“If you showed up in your locker and you had cookies from Anna before the game,” Wimberly said, “you were blessed.”

When Kupp suffered an AC sprain in a shoulder and could barely move or lift the arm, Anna was his caretaker, propping him up with pillows and helping him get dressed.

“Coop had that support system with Anna,” West said. “She was always there for him.”

And then there were the finances. A young, married couple in college, Anna and Cooper wanted to prove they could make it on their own without relying on their parents.

“I’m sure if we had asked our parents like, ‘Hey, we really need some help here, they certainly would’ve helped out,” Kupp said. “But as a married couple, we thought we needed to be able to separate and be us and take care of ourselves.”

Their efforts paid off, as Kupp was named a four-time consensus FCS All-American and established 15 FCS records at Eastern Washington.

West understands it a bit more than the other friend. Anna is like a strong support system who was always there for him.

But most men would be jealous to have a wife like Anna not just because of her sacrifice to help Cooper but because of her graciousness, generosity, and kindness to all those around as well.

Most men, including Cooper, would not hesitate to sing her praises either.

Although I’m sure they’ve had some issues, it appears that they’re modeling Christian marriage very well and are a good examples for others. Cooper identified his mission for God and career path and strives for excellence in that. He clearly loves and is appreciative to his wife for everything she’s done. Anna basically sacrificed her own college and probably career to be supportive of Cooper and is enjoying their family and success. She is also very thoughtful, kind, and generous to those around. Both appear to be setting a great example in their community for their faith.

The biggest takeaway underneath the inspirational story is that modeling the headship-submission/helper and love-respect Biblical marital roles and responsibilities shows that despite their vehement denial that is actually what the world wants. It’s so inspirational and awesome that this happened according to the world. But Cooper and Anna pulled out the Bible and told them about headship and submission they’d “hate” it.

This is why the RP maxim on women “Don’t watch what they say, look at what they do” is so important. Not just because it’s applicable on women (and women dating in relationships with men for that matter as well), but our actions matter more than our words. Jesus even told us that what we say will not necessarily be the turning point of being a good witness but what we do:

John 13:35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

1 Peter 2:13 Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human authority: whether to the emperor, as the supreme authority, 14 or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. 15 For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people. 16 Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God’s slaves. 17 Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.

It is by following God’s commands, especially in marriage, and doing good that many unbelievers will see that example and hopefully God can use that seed in their hearts to get the ball rolling for their salvation.

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If you are not interested in having sex when your spouse wants sex then don’t get married

Reemphasized with bold: If you are not interested in having sex when your spouse wants sex then don’t get married.

This applies mostly to women but also to some men since typically men have the stronger sex drive.

1 Corinthians 7:3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Not only is this God’s command as a marital responsibility, but it is important to practicing the Christian faith: meeting others needs and loving others as you love yourself. You don’t want to be denied sex when you want it, so why would you deny your spouse? Be gracious and giving.

By being frigid it’s its own kind of hell. The enemy wants us to have sex outside of marriage and not have any in marriage because it’s contrary to God’s design. The more people that can be hurt the better. Sex is one of the amazing things about marriage and there should be no limits or overt or covert contracts on it. Give freely and enthusiastically and make yourself love it.

It’s not a secret that marriage issues generally improve as the husband and wife are closer. It’s unity. And as always, counterintuitively the right thing to do is the hardest which is to overcome the feelings and have sex. Faith and love requires that we do things even when we don’t want to.

This cannot be anymore plainly stated, and it’s what I’ve started doing when singles and those in relationships come up to me for pre-marriage or marriage advice.

You must ask these questions before marriage to your potential spouse and closely look at their reaction. Are they just saying what they think you want to hear? Do they believe it and want to honor God and you? How enthusiastic are they about overcoming their feelings to do the right thing?

Stop depriving each other.

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The Bible and the concept of fitness versus comfort tests

One of the useful heuristics that has come out of married red pill on reddit is distinguishing between fitness (AKA shit testing) and comfort testing from a wife. For those of you not in the know, basically this was figured out through a bunch of trial and error.

Typical tactics that work for fitness testing such as agree and amplify, pressure flipping, ignoring, diversions, and a bunch of others don’t work well if it’s a comfort test. This is a non-Christian RP guide to fitness testing if you’re curious about the concept.

The way to distinguish between fitness and comfort testing is relatively simple, but it can be hard for most men who are not the head in their marriage because they’re used to DEERing (defend, excuse, explain, rationalize). A man who consistently DEERs in his marriage is not leading it. The head/leader generally shouldn’t be arguing in the first place whether it’s a wife, workplace, or whatever type of authority-submission relationship. Jesus does not argue with the Church. He just tells what He expects of us but is also willing to drop us before marriage if we don’t follow Him (e.g. Revelation 2-3).

The main ways to distinguish these two scenarios are “you” and “I.” I think I’ve covered this before sometime but a refresher:

  • Fitness/shit tests generally start with “You” — You always do X, You are like this and I don’t like it, You make me feel so X sometimes, etc.
  • Comfort tests generally start with “I” — “I feel so X because Y”, I’m not feeling good about this decision, I’m afraid because of X, Y, Z, etc.

In general, the tactics for the fitness/shit tests are the ones listed above while the comfort tests tactics are like the common saying of the strong oak weathering the winds of emotion of the wife. Most of the time it’s simply listening to allow her to vent feelings and/or pulling her in a deep hug and kiss and letting her get her tension out. Responding to a fitness/shit test with comfort and a comfort test with fitness/shit tactics can erode trust and make a relationship or marriage deteriorate further.

One common line you see in married RP is the concept of a bull in a china shop. This is where the husband is very inexperienced with RP so he’s responding all the time with fitness tests tactics when some comfort is needed sometimes according to the situation. In this case, the wife usually starts to pull away more when the relationship should getting closer, so going back to these two pathways is helpful in that instance.

So where does the Bible fit into these? I never really thought about it before, but it popped into my head that generally these two concepts are also likely Biblical in nature.

  • Comfort is along the lines of understanding the wife is a weaker vessel and needs understanding as the weaker vessel at times. You’re the strong leader she can confide in and wants to trust. 1 Peter 3:7 You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
  • Fitness is generally about diffusing contentiousness and disrespect (Prov 21:9, Prov 25:24, Prov 27:15) but Christianity takes it a step further than secular RP with the goal of the husband influencing wifely sanctification (Eph 5:25-27) and the wife coming to obey God’s commands of submission and respect on her own (Eph 5:33, 1 Peter 3:1-6) in the long term. Like we covered in Trust is earned and an expression of the character of godliness this is generally a process.

To be clear, there is no inserting “RP” into Christianity. Christianity is the Truth (big T) but God made the world observable and knowable. Thus, we can learn from secular sources about some aspects of truth (little t) that may be true from a theological perspective but usually incomplete since it isn’t a primary reality. Covered this more here: Unpacking and tying together the meta-levels of Christianity, reality and the red pill into a hierarchical understanding: theological, scientific, and philosophical/cultural.

I’ve used this some in my marriage to good effect though I don’t typically see any/many fitness tests. I saw more when I was dating before we got properly established to the headship-submission and love-respect dynamic. Even though we knew in our heads what we were supposed to do, there were times when we didn’t know how that was supposed to look. Mostly I really only get comfort tests now if my wife is overly emotional for some reason. I know many of the men at RPC/MRP use this as well to fairly good effect, perhaps not understanding that what they are doing is based on the way God created men and women and marriage.

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Another reason why Christian marriages are in such a sad spot today

I was going through the YouVersion Bible app a few days ago and looking over the “marriage” courses. This is an app that has over 100,000,000 downloads so it’s pretty popular among Christians and well worth talking about. What I found was depressing.

  • Over 90% of them had at least 7 days of daily devotionals with 0 (yes, that is right… ZERO) mentions of any of the Biblical marital roles and responsibilities verses. This includes Genesis 1-3, Proverbs 31 & rest of Proverbs on husbands and wives, Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, 1 Peter 3, Titus 2, 1 Corinthians 7, etc. A full 3/4th of these even had verses from Ephesians 1-4 but conveniently ignored Ephesians 5.
  • Of the rest of the 10% only 1 (yes, that is right… ONE) did not include the “mutual submission” verse when going over Ephesians 5. That singular 1 only covered Ephesians 5 and didn’t talk about any of the other marriage verses.

Unfortunately, this is not an isolated incident. I’ve gone through several marriage books like Love and Respect and some others and they almost always dance around the marital Scriptures. We can discuss love and respect, but we can’t discuss headship and submission. Heh.

You wanna know why marriages are so crap? Christians are too scared to talk about God’s design and why it makes for holy and happy marriages. They all implicitly suggest that the world is more important than God.

And of course the video that came out right a few days after I wrote this post… that has been making the rounds:

Fits this post altogether. Christians are going for the MeVersion of marriage instead of the GodVersion.

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Paul Maxwell’s journey to apostasy

WinteryKnight posted a couple weeks ago about how Kevin Max formerly of DC talk isn’t a Christian anymore. Sad cause DC talk was one of my favorite bands growing up. WK does good analysis that most Christians nowadays aren’t grounded in solid apologetics on why God exists and why the Christian faith is true. If their faith is based on a foundation of feelings it is bound to crumble as it not based on a strong foundation.

However, the part I wanted to cover wasn’t Kevin Max and DC talk about I saw another guy who’s name is familiar in the article the WK linked:

Max’s comments come not long after former DesiringGod.org writer Paul Maxwell announced he is no longer a Christian, which he said in April “feels really good” and has made him “really happy.” Former Christian recording artist Jonathan Steingard has also left his Christian faith. In May 2020, he said, “I am now finding that I no longer believe in God.”

One of theologian John Piper’s sons, Abraham, has also been open about abandoning his faith, saying he just doesn’t believe ultimate meaning exists.

You may remember Maxwell from this SIMP article: Real men don’t love strong women.

After that piece he seems to have somewhat found the manosphere because he participated in the theopolis institute series on the manosphere. Paul Maxwell’s The Measure of a man. While he had gained a wider perspective of potential truth, he and the other theopolis writers didn’t quite get there because they kept trying to intermix boomer theology and “red pill” observations. Measure of a man seems to have been written after that supposed May 2020 confession, so I guess he was mimicking being a Christian still after that.

In any case, it seems his journey has taken a turn for the worse in that he is no longer a believer. Wish I could say that these things aren’t uncommon, but if someone is being blown to and fro by feminism and then the secular manosphere it’s not really a surprise that they will turn away from God. Many Christians seem to get pulled into the secular manosphere and lose their faith. Some find their way back through the Christian manosphere and ironically some through Jordan Peterson. However, the Church in general needs to do better with the Truth and especially on things like apologetics.

Hopefully, God can use the actual Truth to pull him back. I had my own similar journey when I was post-college where I was agnostic about God for a while due to not strong roots in the faith or apologetics, so it’s not the end for anyone as long as they’re open to seeking the Truth.

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Subverting the Scriptures to undermine husbands in marriage

This is a common tactic of “Christian feminists” of which many fall prey to or are swept up in the false doctrine like Gregoire, Kellers, and many of the other common Christian marriage books.

The topic of this passage is a bit irrelevant, but if you want to know basically the wife went vegan and the husband told her it’s not Biblical and now she’s refusing to have sex unless he goes vegan too.

See if you can spot the errors before reading on to my comments and analysis.

First and foremost, think about what it means to love her in this moment, because when we are called to be like Christ that includes in how he loved his people; that was unconditional love, so even through its unbiblical and goes against your belief, you make it clear you can’t support this lifestyle, that would be hypocritical, but on the other hand it’s not your place to change her, it’s not our job to change people, thats God’s job, and have to trust that he will do what he does best; he cares for us. What she is doing is very clearly wrong, she should not be forcing you to go against your beliefs just like she doesn’t want you to force your beliefs on her. She is in the wrong in this scenario, but that doesn’t make it ok to retaliate, thats not what love is. Remember the verse that says all the wonderful things about love, that is what marriage is supposed to be. I agree with whoever said to bring the pastor into the situation, thats a good third party to mediate, because clearly she isn’t willing to listen to you. But remember she is still deserving of love and respect, this certainly doesn’t warrant a divorce. Marriage is a commitment, we make it work no matter what until what I believe is absolutely rock bottom. God’s heart reflects this. Remember to stay in the word, pray, and look at how God’s heart is reflected in the teachings of the Bible. God tames care of his people, he will certainly take care of you and your wife, this is your chance to be connected with God and learn more about him all the while growing your marriage and in the end becoming more intimate with your wife.

link to comment chain

The main errors in this passage are:

  • Misuse of God’s/Jesus unconditional love from Ephesians 5. Common tactic of the “Christian feminists”
  • “It’s not your place to change her.” Also, a common tactic of the “Christian feminists” with their common saying ‘it’s the wife’s job to submit and the husband shouldn’t be telling her that’
  • “wives are deserving of love and respect” – love, yes. Respect no.
  • The commenter also doubled down on the first one by saying: (“First, I want to ask you what your definition of ‘love’ is defined by the bible. If you honestly look at it, you will see that its a decision and its sacrificial, its putting others before yourself at any cost, including your life.”)

Unfortunately, these are very common ones with cheap grace theology.

There was a long back and forth, but the rebuttal to these points are many which I’ve covered before (shortened version):

Misuse of God’s/Jesus unconditional love from Ephesians 5. Common tactic of the “Christian feminists”

The commenter also doubled down on the first one by saying: (“First, I want to ask you what your definition of ‘love’ is defined by the bible. If you honestly look at it, you will see that its a decision and its sacrificial, its putting others before yourself at any cost, including your life.”)

The purpose of Christ’s love for the Church is sanctification (Eph 5). Jesus put our ETERNAL SOULS before Himself with our sanctification in mind. His sacrifice was focused on our salvation and sanctification. Not on uniformly putting everyone above Himself (false).

Numerous times throughout the gospels, the disciples have their own thoughts about what Jesus is here for. For instance, they think that Jesus is here to save the Jews from the Romans (e.g. military kingdom), to strike down Samaritans with fire after they rejected Him (Luke 9:54), or even that He wasn’t supposed to die (e.g. Jesus rebuked Peter by calling Him Satan because he said he didn’t want Jesus to die).

Contrary to putting everyone before Himself, Jesus did not put the disciples thoughts, feelings, or actions before Himself in these cases. Nor did He say it wasn’t His job to “change their thinking.” In fact, He did the opposite. Jesus was singular minded in His ministry for God, and anyone that stood in His way including His own disciples had to be taught, corrected, rebuked, and trained in the way of righteousness. Heck, in some cases John 6 even tells us that Jesus even let people walk away if they didn’t want to believe in Him wholeheartedly. (e.g. John 6:66 From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.).

Love is not love when someone allows another Christian to keep on sinning without trying to change their heart so they repent.

“It’s not your place to change her.” Also, a common tactic of the “Christian feminists” with their common saying ‘it’s the wife’s job to submit and the husband shouldn’t be telling her that’

Already slightly covered in the above. Jesus did not say “it’s not my job to change the disciples thinking.” He was very adamant about changing their thinking and actions to become more like God, so they would actually become His disciples in true love and righteousness.

Not only that but as we’ve discussed before in Revelation 2-3, Jesus practically gives ultimatums to the Churches. Repent or get removed.

Rev 2:4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. 5 Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.

Rev 2:14 Nevertheless, I have a few things against you: There are some among you who hold to the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to entice the Israelites to sin so that they ate food sacrificed to idols and committed sexual immorality. 15 Likewise, you also have those who hold to the teaching of the Nicolaitans. 16 Repent therefore! Otherwise, I will soon come to you and will fight against them with the sword of my mouth.

Rev 3:15 I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17 You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18 I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.

The biggest tragedy is the double standard:

Christian Love requires that you point out sin in other Christians’ lives and encourage them to repent (e.g. Matthew 18). Yet somehow all this is thrown by the wayside when you have a wife. You can tell any other Christian that they better stop sinning and to repent and change their ways, but apparently you can’t tell your wife that.

It’s pure doctrinal delusion.

“wives are deserving of love and respect” – love, yes. Respect no.

Covered already as well.

The simple fact is that respect mean different things to men and women. Men give respect based on excellence and good results and generally such respect qualifies the respected man as someone worth following (at least in that particular area). Women want respect just because. So when you tell men to start respecting women, you’re inadvertently telling tell to put the woman as an authority figure in his life which is directly contradictory to the Bible. It’s the same inverted role relationship as chivalry: queen and the knight. That’s why these types of things sound good but are destructive in nature for relationships and marriage because it undermines God’s creation.

The sad part is that people really believe this stuff.

If you recall back Wayne Grudem posted the reflections on the sex debate and the word Kephale meaning authority or not. After hundreds of pages written and thousands of hours of research, he finally realized that the “Christian feminists” didn’t really care about the Truth but only about what their itching ears wanted to hear.

But for those who do care about the Truth, hopefully they will start to understand that the culture has really brainwashed us to the point that we barely even realize that we treat women with kid gloves when they should be held accountable instead.

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What constitutes “alpha”

A bit of discussion about alpha in analysis of alpha widowhood made me want to revisit this topic.

This has been a topic with a large amount of misinformation in both the secular and Christian manosphere. There’s a lot of black and white thinking, and that leads to a lot of loss of hope and despair in some as well as ineffective or excessive macho posturing in others.

Generally, the most basic definition of “alpha” I think most can agree on is the embodiment of certain traits in a man that women are attracted to. This would be the common lists that we have discussed before like PSALMs and masculinity.

  • P – Power
  • S – Status
  • A – Athleticism
  • L – Looks
  • M – Money
  • Masculinity – Traits traditionally viewed as masculine in Western society include strength, courage, independence, leadership, and assertiveness.[9][10][11][12]. (note: to be honest, it’s not just the West that women like these).

I’ve covered why PSALMs are attractive in A Christian understanding of attraction, and the role it plays in marriage Part 3. Masculinity is also generally a proxy for headship/leadership (Ephesians 5). To be a leader, one must be:

  • Independent (e.g. Genesis 2- a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife),
  • Assertiveness to lead and make decisions (e.g. Jesus with his ministry and the disciples following)
  • Courage to face difficulties (e.g. Jesus going against the religious leaders and standing up for what is right and sacrificing Himself for us),
  • Strong (e.g. 1 Cor 16:13 Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. and 1 Kings 2:1 When the time drew near for David to die, he gave a charge to Solomon his son. 2 “I am about to go the way of all the earth,” he said. “So be strong, act like a man, 3 and observe what the Lord your God requires: Walk in obedience to him, and keep his decrees and commands, his laws and regulations, as written in the Law of Moses.)

So we know that generally men who embody such traits tend to be more attractive and thus “more alpha” according to some. This also applies not just to the male-female hierarchy but also to male-male hierarchies. Usually the “alpha male of the group” so to speak is usually the leader of men. You usually see the team captain in professional sports have traits like leadership, charisma, strong influence and such over their teammates that they are able to lead them well in the sport.

Usually men who embody traits where they are leaders of men are also attractive with women (e.g. quarterback for football, team captains, businessmen, etc.) but it’s not always the case. Some of these men buy into popular culture romance garbage and while they are usually able to end up attracting women due to their high PSALMs and masculinity they eventually end up with multi-broken relationships and divorces. Hollywood and pro sports divorce is a good example of that. You can have all the attractive traits in the world, but if you’re trying to be the chivalrous knight in shining armor to your “queen,” the queen will eventually replace you for another knight they can play with or a king.

Most people are too black and white on alpha/attraction. In general, there are many difference ways you can become a particular woman’s desired man that she is attracted to.

  • I know a few guys who are overweight and not lookers themselves but have a commanding presence in niche areas in D&D and such and their wives adore them. Groupies exist.
  • Throw a 6-7 guy in a Church where most of the men are 3-5s and you can be the relative alpha there and get much more attention from women. Same with small town type of atmospheres if you live there.
  • There are some pretty ugly dudes in pro sports but they’re famous and rich enough to make up for it.
  • Just as not every man is looking for the most beautiful woman he has ever seen to marry, not every woman is looking for the most attractive man they can to marry. Yes, some to a lot of attraction is important for most. However, there are more than enough ways for men to grow in PSALM traits, masculinity, and other things that are attractive if you want to increase your chances of finding a woman who is into you.

Generally, as long as she is into you and wants *you* then you’re in a good spot.

Like I’ve said before, most of my friends call my wife a 7-9 but me a 5-6. I’m shorter than average and underweight according to most. But my wife wanted me because I was unlike any man she met when I started talking and dating her as I’ve detailed the ways on this blog that I prepared for to lead the relationship to obey God. Obviously, she was attracted to me physically at least some, but I’m objectively not a looker to most. I’m handsome according to her but I think average to her sisters, so personality helps shape her attraction some.

In general, I think most men would do well to stop worrying about being absolute cream of the crop. Obviously, if one is below average or average and wants to marry he would do well to take into account that improving attraction through spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, and such will definitely help raise the chances. But too narrow a definition of what is needed to be successful with women is for the most part probably black pill.

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Does marriage take a lot of work?

This was a comment in the previous post on Analysis of alpha widowhood, but I thought it deserved it’s own analysis: “Marriage takes a lot of work”

Whenever I hear this phrase it seems like most people are referring to different things depending on the particular dynamics of their marriage.

The general “christo-feminist” and feminist take on “marriage takes a lot of work” whenever both the husband and/or the wife say it is that:

  1.  The husband is putting up with a the wife being disrespectful and unsubmissive and spraying her emotions everywhere that he has to deal with.
  2. Meanwhile, it’s possible that the man she is with is lazy but usually he’s been cowed and/or emasculated constantly
  3. The wife is unhappy because she’s always running over him and he’s not standing up for himself.
  4. This inverted role pattern puts the husband and wife at odds and makes them both unhappy so the illusion of work is there because they’re spending so much energy being unhappy and fighting about the situation.

At the heart of this especially when Christians say it they almost always seem to be following the pattern of the world rather than that of God. In the vast majority of cases I’ve seen when the husbands start explaining it almost always is a case of inverted roles whether consciously or unconsciously. The husband and wife are not following the Biblical marital roles and responsibilities and neither spouse is accountable for themselves to God for it much less the other reminding them of the proper role (perhaps cause they are somewhat opposed to headship-submission and love-respectful structure as well).

In regard to the other side of the coin where a marriage is in proper Biblical marital roles and responsibilities, it usually may be some work at first but after that it’s almost no work and easy coasting as long as you keep following the good habits you have built.

For instance, it does take some “work” in that my wife and I needed to learn God’s Biblical marital roles and responsibilities in depth. Then we needed to implement those habits into our own life. But now marriage/life is relatively easy because my wife and I are on the same page and walking in what God wants for us.

Personally, I found the Christian manosphere around 2011 or 2012 and started studying them in depth and applying them to my own life in 2013. That was at least a couple years before I met my wife, and then it’s been many years of applying them together starting with dating to relationship to engagement and finally to marriage. These are the foundational pieces I talked about in Practical advice to single Christian men establishing leadership and the right frame when starting a relationship.

Some Christians do this naturally — usually raised by a strong father and/or male mentor who puts emphasis on discipling them and teaching them the Bible and manhood — but it does take work for most other Christians. The culture and sadly even the Church are such that they lean toward inversion of roles, so unlearning that type of behavior and making new habits is going to take a bunch of work for most men including myself.

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Analysis of alpha widowhood

Ran across this article a while back which was of David Bowie and his wife.

Iman Says She’ll Never Remarry After David Bowie’s Death: ‘He’s Not My Late Husband, He’s My Husband’

And she has no thoughts of ever marrying again. When her daughter, Alexandria “Lexi” Jones, now 21, asked her about it, Iman recalls, “I said ‘No, I will not.’ I still feel married. Someone a few years ago referred to David as my late husband and I said ‘No, he’s not my late husband. He’s my husband.'”

“I definitely feel his presence, especially when I look out over the glorious sunsets at our home because David loves sunsets,” she says. “So in that way he is ever present.”

“Through my memory, my love lives.”

Pretty much the definition of alpha widowhood that the ‘sphere uses. Even in death she’s still married to him and can’t forget about him that no other man can compare.

“I knew him as the man, David Jones, his real name,” Iman, the cosmetics pioneer and CARE global advocate, says. “And not the rock star.”

Theirs was always a very private love story but now, over five years after his death from cancer in 2016, she has created her first fragrance, Love Memoir, exclusively available at HSN and hsn.com, a tribute to their “epic romance.”

The idea came to her while living at their country house nestled in the mountains in upstate New York. In the first few years after his death, it had been painful to spend much time there. “I just got very sad and would rush back to the city,” she says. “I thought I had processed [the loss] but I had not.”

There, in lockdown, she found a quiet solace amidst his favorite paintings, his ever present books, and the fiery sunsets they both loved. She also found the inspiration for the fragrance which weaves together woodsy vetiver (Tom Ford’s Grey Vetiver was Bowie’s favorite) and bergamot from Tuscany, where they had married. The result, she says, is “a monument to eternal love.”

It was a love story set in motion in 1990 after Iman moved briefly to L.A. “I had never intended to move there,” she recalls in this week’s PEOPLE. “It’s not one of my favorite places. It’s so vast but I personally believe now that was my destiny. My destiny was calling me to get there so I could meet David.”

Everything about him is romanticized in the best way possible. She knows only parts of him that everyone else never knew. She needs to remember him by creating things about him, and it was her destiny to meet him.

They met on a blind date set up by a mutual friend in Los Angeles. He was the rock and roll genius and quicksilver creator of such hits as Ziggy Stardust and Space Oddity among a galaxy of others. She was the supermodel from Somalia, who spoke five languages and whose beauty and intelligence had enchanted the world of fashion and beyond.

“David said it was love at first sight,” Iman, 66, tells PEOPLE. “It took me a few months but I got there.”

After their first date, she recalls how she flew to Paris to walk the runway for her friend, Thierry Mugler. When she arrived at her hotel room, it was filled with flowers. Gardenias. And when she returned to L.A., he was there to meet her at the airport. “And that’s how it started,” she says. “He properly wooed me.”

Yes, she was drawn to the musician for his kindness. “Early on, we were walking down the street and my shoelace came undone and he got on his knees to tie it for me and I thought he’s the one.”

But there was also their off the charts chemistry. “David was beyond handsome,” she says. “He oozed charisma.”

In reality, the chemistry wasn’t actually there from the start (according to her, at least). Yes, Bowie was handsome, rich, famous and whatever but Iman didn’t have the hots for him right off. It’s only when he went the extra distance that she started liking him more. This would make sense since as a supermodel she would have been used to meeting attractive men.

However, this does follow the common analogy I use: an attractive man giving a woman flowers is romantic, but an unattractive man giving a woman flowers is a creep. You can contextualize all of the attention, flowers, gifts, compliments, or whatever according to that. This applies to any stage of a relationship too — single, dating, bf/gf, engaged and even in marriage.

There’s some other details in the article about how Bowie was his own man but was a strong champion for her which obviously play into the common narratives.

I also think that this tends to more accurately portray real life than the exaggerating tropes that we see in the ‘sphere both ways. We can see that there was attraction, but it doesn’t necessarily develop into a romance per se unless there is facilitating interactions between the man and the woman with back and forth usually. Attraction does not necessarily mean it can be converted into a relationship and that relationship can be maintained.

There are also cases where attraction can develop over time, more so from a woman’s perspective than a man though since men are primarily physical attraction based. However, I think in most of these cases the man was likely somewhere on a scale of semi-attractive already unless there are some other qualifying circumstances such as those mentioned in the friend zone where there is a total shift in her perception of the man.

 

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Practical advice to single Christian men establishing leadership and the right frame when starting a relationship

Responding to this comment as I’ve encountered some young men I’ve met from Churches who have asked similar questions to me in real life about this too.

Hi. I’m a young Christian man about to finish college and start my career. I used to be a clueless pedestalizer, but a painful dating experience led me to the red pill and Christian manosphere blogs about a year ago, and my life has changed as a result. Reading this stuff has helped me trust the Word of God, make sense of my experiences, and grow. That’s my background, though I am leaving out a lot of detail.

Now I have a question: how important is intellectual agreement on the topics of headship and submission if a prospective wife shows promising behavior? Or how–practically–do you broach the topic to find out what she believes?

I am realizing that believing what the Bible plainly says about men and women puts you at odds with what 99% of Christians believe. I know one or two girls who are sweet and attractive, perhaps even naturally submissive personality-wise, who would probably go out with me if I initiated, but I have a hunch that they would parrot the typical mutual submission or complementarian sentiments if engaged intellectually on the matter of biblical marriage roles. With someone like this, is it ever a good strategy to date and just act like a leader without saying what you’re doing and see what she does? Or is it best to go in guns blazing and get the hard topics out of the way early with the idea that the bad ones will filter themselves out? Should I not even waste my time unless I already know what a woman believes?

Just looking for thoughts on some of these practical issues. I really appreciate all the discussion that happens here.

Good start that more young men are thinking about these questions. However, there is still a significant amount of thinking is embroiled in a lot of nice guy pedestalization thinking. In particular:

but I have a hunch that they would parrot the typical mutual submission or complementarian sentiments if engaged intellectually on the matter of biblical marriage roles

Why shoot yourself in the foot before you even start? This is classic defeatist thinking whereby a man is literally making up things in his head about women he hasn’t even talked to yet. You don’t know her, her family, her background, or really anything about her. How can you know how she’s going to act? Why assume anything?

Remember, if you start to implant any type of ideas or thinking in your head that can lead to fear over what might happen that is going to sabotage your ability to lead a potential wife.

With someone like this, is it ever a good strategy to date and just act like a leader without saying what you’re doing and see what she does? Or is it best to go in guns blazing and get the hard topics out of the way early with the idea that the bad ones will filter themselves out? Should I not even waste my time unless I already know what a woman believes?

This is precisely what you do. Take the example of Jesus and His disciples (e.g. Christ and the Church, which is the analogy we have for marriage in Ephesians 5) in all 4 gospels:

  1. Jesus has started his ministry in Galilee preaching and teaching about the kingdom of God
  2. While doing this, he invites various men to be His disciples to help Him (e.g. shades of Genesis 2 where the wife is created to be the man’s helper). Fishermen, tax collectors, etc. “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”
  3. He continues on His ministry which grows and has the disciples help him with miracles, instructs and teaches them, and then eventually has them go out and try during his ministry (e.g. Jesus sends out the 70).
  4. Jesus continually sanctifies them by correcting and teaching them as necessary (e.g. Ephesians 5 – Christ loves the Church for the purpose of sanctification).
  5. Jesus does ALL of this BEFORE engagement and marriage. The engagement of Jesus and His bride is generally defined as the body of Christ who have received the Holy Spirit (Eph 1) much like an engagement ring or dowry and the marriage of Jesus and His bride is at the end in Revelation 19.

Ephesians 1:13 And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

Revelation 19:7 Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. 8 Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear.” (Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of God’s holy people.) 9 Then the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!” And he added, “These are the true words of God.”

As an aside, the discipleship model of Jesus generally follows the model of (1) tell them what, (2) show them how, (3) let them try, (4) send them out, (5) have them do the same.

So to go back to the original question:

  • Ideally, you should know what your mission for God is and be walking it out already. It’s fine if you don’t, but this has a big role to play as she is going to be your helper so you need to have a role for her to play
  • Yes, act as a leader and see how she responds
  • You don’t have to go into any deeper topics while dating. Usually only once you establish a relationship (e.g. going steady) that is generally a better time to explore deeper topics. I don’t think dating needs to last anymore than a month or two at most. You should be able to get a good feel of her character and personality in a month or two to see if you want to continue
  • As a potential husband, you should start emulating the role of a husband prior to marriage. Why? Not only did Jesus do it but it’s a good idea to get in the habit of building the foundation of the husbandly roles and responsibility even if you don’t have the actual position. For instance, if you start off the relationship with regular Bible study, prayer, and such it’s easier to maintain then to try to introduce that later. Additionally, you’re already in the habit of ‘washing your wife with the water of the Word’ (per Ephesians 5), so it’s much easier to bring things up from a teaching and correctional standpoint.

In my previous post, I talked about how Trust is earned and an expression of the character of godliness. In particular, there was a section about generally how sanctification is gradual:

Obviously, a wife who is respectful and submissive even when it is difficult is much easier to trust than one who is disrespectful and rebellious. But there are many different steps that it takes to get there. For instance,

  1. A wife who is disrespectful and rebellious according to her own whims
  2. A wife who knows what is right but can be disrespectful and rebellious when things get tough for her
  3. A wife who knows what is right but has developed greater self control and perseverance but sometimes slips up when things are tough
  4. A wife who knows what is right and it’s rare that she’s disrespectful and rebellious

There can be many in between with these circumstances like how she responds to teaching, correction, or rebuke for good or for evil. You could probably make another whole list or expand this one to 8-9 bullet points with these.

However, the point is that if you and your wife are a Christian and actively wanting to obey God and His Biblical roles and responsibilities, the sanctification process will be gradual over time in most cases and it is a process. This process is cultivated step by step and large jumps though they can happen tend to be unlikely since unlearning ingrained sinfulness is difficult.

Most women start around a 1 or 2. My wife probably started around a 2 but has made it to 4 over the course of our relationship and marriage. RPA said his wife has made it to about a 3 over the past 2 yeas.

The key, however, is not where she starts but if she has a strong desire to obey God. This is what we’ve been talking about in terms of the T in FAST on RPC/askRPC — faithful, available, saved, teachable. Is she teachable in that she wants to grow in sanctification (and yes, the journey can be tough, but if she likes you it tends to be easier). If she’s teachable she will grow in this as long as you are teaching her what it means to be respectful and submissive to you.

That’s one of the key points most men miss. You need to point out to her if she’s disrespectful or rebellious. Some women will continue to be as such and if she does that then you can drop her. But if she amends her ways because she wants to honor God — even if it happens with kicking, crying, and screaming — that’s a good sign. You can work with that. Obviously, it should improve over time where she gets less and less dramatic or emotional over it.

I’ve covered some more actionable steps to finding a wife here as well and in the book.

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