To follow up on my previous post on Christian masculinity and confidence, I want to provide Christian men with some insight into why being a “nice guy” is unattractive. I am going to follow this up with a post on practical advice on what peace, peitho/pistis, and parrhesia look when interacting with Christian women in the future.
The larger point of this blog is not merely understanding conceptually what Christian masculinity looks like but to put it in action.
James 1 (NASB)
22 But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves. 23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his [x]natural face in a mirror; 24 for once he has looked at himself and gone away, [y]he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was. 25 But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but [z]an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in [aa]what he does.
The adjective “natural” in front of face is the word
γένεσις — genesis — ghen’-es-is — G1078
From the same as G1074; nativity; figuratively nature: – generation, nature (-ral).
The nature of your heart as a Christian man is reflected in who you are and what you do. This is the mindset from which you need to consider your interactions with women.
Women have almost the innate ability to instinctively analyze posture and motivation because they are created by God to be creatures of feeling. They look at you and see what you do and they getting feelings from it.
When you change your behavior in an attempt to make a woman like you because you are interested in her then you are being a fake — a fraud, not genuine, a charlatan, a sham. She will instinctively read this in your posture and actions. You are pedastalizing her because you believe she is special or requires some special handling.
You should treat her the same way you would treat her as when you interact with your family and friends. That is the real you. The one who is able to joke around with, flirt, make playful fun of, and interact with naturally in your relationships with others.
If she doesn’t like the “real you” and the personality that comes with it then that’s OK. Not everyone in this world is going to like you. Remember, you’re on your search for the one woman who will marry you. Not 10 or even 20 women that are interested in you.
Women will never respect a man caters to her whims, and no one likes liars and fakers. Much less liars and fakers who call themselves Christians.
When you can understand this, then you can finally understand the disgust at women have for betas. Betas put on a fake personality to try to “win the girl” and are lying to themselves and others.
This is what Christian men need to learn — don’t change your behaviors for a woman. If you’re going to change your behaviors, then take off the old and put on the new. Do it for God as a new creation in Christ. Never change yourself for a woman.
Women know if you’re saying and doing things because you are trying to impress them. They’ll think it will be amusing and will accept your help. Often with a smile. They’ll thank you profusely. But they won’t be attracted to you. If you’re going to help women do it because you are willing to serve them as a brother in Christ. Women can detect the difference — the neediness of approval and validation that you seek from her — because it will show in your body language. Women are more in tune with subtle social cuing.
Additionally, because you are pedalstalizing her she will innately feel pressured to perform up to those expectations of the pedastal that you have put her on. This is why women typically despise being the leader in a relationship — there is the expectation of responsibility that comes with it.
Always examine your heart. Your underlying motivations. Remember, God looks at your heart. Don’t do things because they will be able to please men or women. Do things because you will please God. Your mission is to be a masculine Christian man for God. Women will naturally follow from this.
edit: As Donal pointed out, if you are a “genuinely nice guy” and have no illusions of pedastalization or don’t change your behavior around women then you need to grow because you are feminine and unmanly. See this more recent post if that is your issue.