I want to circle back to Scott’s video which was posted in the extent of attraction and re-post it here again from my perspective.
So Scott goes through the definition of “meet cute” which is romantic comedies (RomCom) it’s the “cute story of how you two met.” Then he goes on to explain that in most of the cases in his life it was the women that were pursuing him rather than pursuing women and how it has shaped the qualities that made him attractive to women by building on itself.
I can only speak for myself on this topic, but only can recall two single times that this has happened to me in which girls just liked me for me. Once in high school a girl liked me for me (she went out of her way to sit near me in class and talk to me all the time, though nothing came of it cause I was blind to women) and then once in college (a high school girl liked me and made it clearly known but she was too young and overweight so I didn’t like her). And even the later example could be obscured by the fact that girls generally like and/or look up to guys in the next stage of life (e.g. high school girls like college guys, and college girls like men who have graduated and have a job, etc.).
All of the other times that women were attracted to me were because of situations that set me up to succeed. I remember a few girls liked me in high school, but that was because I helped to tutor them. I remember in college the occasional girl liked me because I was one of the better ones at the recreational sports that I was playing. I remember in grad school that some girls liked me because I was one of the more popular TAs (teaching assistants) as I was apparently good at teaching. Each of these situations set me up as a leader/expert for women to look up to, much like the common tropes where women are attracted to men like boss-secretary or doctor-nurse.
I can’t recall any specific instance where I worked the same job or had status as a woman and they liked me. Unlike Scott, I only have perhaps two scenarios where I’m immediately recognized as an attractive man that women look over at and appreciate. I’m not ugly but I’m not handsome either (though my wife thinks I’m handsome, though I’m pretty sure that’s because of the influence of my leadership and her respect for me). I’ve never heard any other girl aside from her call me handsome.
I do not doubt that the majority of men would only have a few of these scenarios in their lifetime if any where a woman immediately recognizes them as attractive and wants to get to know them. Additionally, I don’t think that most have the fatherly/mentor advice or social experience to capitalize on them either.
Based on this experience, most men are generally not considered attractive (as is born out by the OKcupid observations too). Men who desire to marry would be wise to leverage the specific scenarios to bolster their own attractiveness to women that have been mentioned in this post and prior posts (being excellent at hobbies, being a leader in organizations especially in the Church, job, or other areas of life, being an expert at a certain topic or teaching, etc.). Add on a muscular physique and cultivation of masculine traits which increase attractiveness outright, and you have a recipe to where you have increased your odds where some women will find you attractive as opposed to few to none.
Of course, the reason you should be doing the things first and foremost is to please God and serve Him via your mission for God (the reasons are covered in the past post). Being excellent at everything you do is just standard as a Christian. If you aren’t that is a good place to start because if I reflect back and was mediocre at my tutoring, recreations, or TAing then I doubt any girls would have liked me much.
While my wife and I don’t have a meet cute story, it seems we ultimately ended up with one as she does find me handsome now. So it’s not like things can’t change if you are not considered conventionally attractive. Even with many of the arranged marriages, the stories about them seem to indicate that as long as the husband and wife are committed they grow into each other. Husband and wife goggles are definitely a thing.
Christianity and masculinity 
I have only had this happen twice to me. The first was in college and I was busy with studying and future plans and did not want a serious relationship, the second was recent and I have married her. So far, her strong desire for me has continued.
All of the other times that women were attracted to me were because of situations that set me up to succeed
This is key I think.
A guy may appear to be valuable, due to being very attractive. Whether looks or personality (masculine traits). If you have that already going for you, great.
For the rest of us, I think our best chance is by demonstrating some kind of significant expertise, talent or success. I have had women tell me it is attractive/sexy that I can play a musical instrument. (An unskilled person would think I play very well/competently.)
I have had a woman who previously declined an invitation to spend time with me, suddenly become very interested in speaking with me, after I shocked her by demonstrating high competence in another language. She did not previously know I could speak another language, and she came into a room where I was in the middle of a conversation with a couple friends. I did not have perfect grammar, but she never would have known. All she could perceive was that I could speak without hesitation and could interact with my friends.
If a church youth leader wants to help the men get married, he could do far worse than arrange the social events around allowing one of the young men to showcase one of his talents. If a man is training to be an accountant, have an event where that young man gives some budgeting advice, or helps with tax returns.
If a man is training in construction or engineering, find an excuse to build a tree house or something for someone in the congregation, and then, during the group event, make an obvious effort to defer to that man’s decisions and leadership during the design/construction. Show the women that he has the respect of the other men in the group.
If a man is training to be a programmer, have a short demonstration of what he has created, under the pretense of offering career suggestions to anyone who has not chosen a career yet.
If I want to build up the young men around me, it is not hard to do.
At least in my experience, I have had the strongest attraction from women AFTER I demonstrated significant skill. Simply being there, being a good man, being a dedicated Christian, being a good worker, training to become a good provider — these gained (almost?) nothing.
@ JPF
I’m reminded of some of the guitar observational studies on attractiveness. One example…
https://www.mensjournal.com/health-fitness/study-women-more-attracted-guys-who-play-guitar/
100 out of 300 gave their number when he was toting the guitar case as opposed to 14 empty handed and 9 with a gym bag.
That goes to illustrate the social status and perceived expertise that music provides.
A very good idea.
They’re useful, just not for attractiveness. Christian women looking to marry will want the whole package deal.
The easy analogy is a house. Attractive things like expertise, talent, success, status, power, and muscles are a nice “outside the house” just like men like their women to be beautiful on the outside. However, the things that actually matter like being a dedicated Christian, excellent worker, provider and such (and for women, kindness, good with kids, feminine, etc.) are the inside of the house.
Basically, cultivate *both* outer and inner beauty, though the inner is most important. It’s easy to do both at the same time, but many Christians seem to think they’re mutually exclusive.
300 women were approached and asked for phone numbers – about 100 with the guitar case (about a third), 42 empty handed (about 14 percent) and 27 with gym bag (about 9 percent) responded positively. These numbers indicate that compared to empty handed he got 58 more numbers attributable to the guitar case and 15 fewer number attributable to the gym bag. With the guitar case he improved his chance by about 20 percent (58 out of 300) and with a gym bag he decreased his chance by about 5 percent (15 out of 300)
I don’t see how improving your chance by 20 percent is that significant and, likewise, decreasing your chance by about 5 percent is not significant at all. Also, no follow-up with any of the women in the guitar case cohort was discussed. It’s possible that many of them may only have been interested in getting free admission for herself and girlfriends to his next gig.
@ Joe2
I think you’re overthinking this.
Attraction is about getting your foot in the door, and first impressions are important. The more people initially interested the better.
Dating is pretty much a numbers game now absent of things like arranged marriage or having your parents set you up or something. You’re trying to find someone who takes their faith seriously (virtue, values, etc.) and also meets some other personal criteria (beauty, wants kids, perhaps similar hobbies or interests, etc.).
The more people you meet that are interested (for whatever reason at first) the better. The extra people you could call when meeting with the guitar could have better faith and fit for you than the gym or nothing.
On the topic of meet cutes’ weather this had ever happened to me had not occured until watching the video. So i thought and could think of 3 possible ones. Not sure how they qualify.
1 was my ex wife i was out and after seeing her eyeing me for an hour she started a conversation which led to numbers exchanging. It wasnt that cute but after meeting dating awhile and talking we found we frequented the same places but at a bizzare level. Like i worked at one of her favorite bars on fridays but she went Thursdays. Times about 10 weird places including we both frequented a bar 2hours away that nobody ever heard of. She went on weekends while in college i went there for lunch when we pheasant hunted in the area. Like one of us was stalking the other. Also we both vacationed 1x every summer at a small town 6hrs away. I walleye fished she went tubing with friends.
Another was the job i had we would get random days off for rain. Half the employees would head to a breakfast place eat and start drinking about 8am. Yes i was an alcoholic. As the day went on people would throw in the towel and we would heckle them out of there. It was like 2pm and the last guy left a girl walks in and asks me are you (####) im like yeah. Do you know where (####) is his wife sent me to send him home shes too pissed. He left awhile ago. She sat down and ordered a beer, we saw each other about 6 months.
The last one a buddy of mine had a close family everybody came over all the time kids failed to launch. Grandkids. Aunts and uncles grandparents Friends. I would just walk in it was like home stayed there all the time around 21. He had a aunt who was single in her 30s and very attractive i had known her a year and she never showed the smallest interest.
One day i walk in the garage with a 12pack sit down and light a cigarette 9pm. 5 min later im like am i alone? Theres always someone here. Door opens his aunt walks in tells me no one is here my buddy just left and the rest of family left town today. I say ok thx ill get out of here. Well you dont have to go. We drank the beer in the hot tub and dated about 4 months. She was widowed and i wasnt ready to b dad to 2 almost teenagers.
Shes the only girl i ever dated that i miss. She had nice height 5’10” im 6’3″ feminine curves but 6 pack lean. Southern accent soft like she never raised her voice in her life. She was always great company i cant even think anything i would have complained about just different stages in life.
To go further on the house analogy, the outside of the house is very important for starting a relationship. The inside of the house is very important for continuing the relationship. Both are necessary for a successful LTR.
Pingback: Hopelessness | Σ Frame
Pingback: Nuances of marriage data: it’s really not that hard to get married | Christianity and masculinity
Pingback: Jumping back to meet cute scenarios | Christianity and masculinity
Pingback: Some like it Hot | Σ Frame
Pingback: The Meet Cute Phenomenon (Scott’s Axiom) | Σ Frame
Jack:
That’s called “curb appeal” in real estate. It’s the first impression the house makes on you when you see it from the street. First impressions matter a lot in real estate, and they matter a lot in people/relationships.
You might like a house on the outside, and when you walk in you might find that it won’t work for you and move on. But you won’t even consider the house if nothing outside draws you in.
It’s the same with people. If a man makes a good first impression on a woman (or, vice versa), she’ll want to get to know him. They may decide later that they’re not compatible, but (in general) she won’t even give him a chance if he can’t make a good first impression.
Some men make a good first impression merely by existing (tall, handsome, naturally athletic, naturally charismatic, etc.). The same goes for some women (naturally beautiful). The rest of us have to work at it.
Oh well.
The Lord blesses some with more (or different) talents than others. We do what we can with the talents He gave us (Matthew 25).
Pingback: Rollo Tomassi’s Take on the Meet Cute Phenomenon | Σ Frame