Let’s just be friends

So, as a man, you gathered your courage and asked an attractive woman out. In fact, you suspect that if she does say no because she is a nice Christian woman that she will respond with the time old “let’s just be friends.”

Typically, the response that most players/PUAs will tell you is just to say no thanks or let the conversation fizzle out and then next her. These responses aren’t necessarily a bad thing to do, but the intention behind it is selfish, so they tend to end up coming off unkind.

As Christian mascunline men we are called at all times to kindness, a fruit of the Spirit, as we walk with God. With that in mind, it is important to frame all of our interactions with women with graciousness, even though she may not be interested in us. We know that she is, as a fellow sister in Christ, still a creation of God and we want to treat her right.

With any social interaction there are a couple of key points. If it’s something such as public speaking (which conversations are) it’s always good to have a plan, especially for the worst case scenario.

After much thought and prayer and action, my personal favorite response to “Let’s just be friends” is the following because it is a win-win for both you and the woman if she actually is not interested in you.

  • Her: “Let’s just be friends…”
  • You: “I’m fine with that, but can I ask for a favor instead?
  • Her: “What?” or “Maybe…”
  • You: “Will you introduce me to your other single Christian friends” or if you have a specific one in mind then “Will you introduce to me to your single friend [name] instead

Or preferably, if you know she is single,

  • Will you introduce me to your other single Christian friends… [and if I know of any Christian men who I think you might be interested I will let you know too.]
  • Will you introduce me to your other single Christian friends… [and you have a Christian man you’re interested in I’ll introduce you or facilitate your interest.]

Key point: don’t say it with the tone of voice as a question but just a statement. You’re asking for her help, but a statement is more open ended and not demanding which will more likely make her to acquiesce.

This type of interaction does multiple things on a behind the scenes level which is beneficial for all of those involved.

  • First, you come off agreeable which will quell her anxiety. Women don’t like being put on the spot and having to reject men.
  • Second, you act non-needy and non-bitter, which should raise or keep her respect of you up which plays into her potentially wanting to help you out.
  • Third, you’re offering an gracious exchange here. Obviously, she will most likely have some men she may be interested in and your ability to transition away from your interest in her and help her interests will put you in a favorable light.
  • Fourth, because you ask for her help in meeting other singles she knows, you avoid the trap of “a Christian man asks one woman out from a group and it gets around to all of the other girls so they reject him when he asks because she was their ‘second choice’” because you enlist her aid before she has a chance to talk to her other girlfriends about it.

This is actually a win-win-win for everyone involved. You offer will help her if she is interested in a man, she can introduce you to other women who may be interested in you with preselection, and the group will have overall improved introductions to each other.

Remember this: Even though you may not “get what you want” you should always remind yourself that your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ as also looking for a marriage partner as well.

With this type of interaction you help to start to bridge the gaps between male and female interest not just for yourself for everyone in that Church or small group setting.

If she declines or is snarky then you know she wasn’t a good choice in the first place and you may need to refine your filters. Still, be gracious even if she goes nuclear. “I’m sorry you feel that way” tends to work well.


Rejection is never an end all be all. In fact, one of the most important points is to see rejection as an opportunity. As a Christian man you’re looking for one woman as a wife, so if it’s not that one then you need to continue your search.

The main point is that as a Christian is that you have limited amount of ability to approach women to find a wife. However, if you enlist others in the faith to help you find a spouse that will greatly expedite the process. Helping your brothers and sisters in Christ is also another beneficial bonus on top of that and will help build your relationships with others even if they are not the one you are to marry.

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8 Responses to Let’s just be friends

  1. Looking Glass says:

    And it’s your daily analogy with Looking Glass!

    Think of your Life as driving down a Highway. (cue the entire country music genre, but hear this out) Your Mission is your destination. A “date” is nothing more than a stop at a gas station. You don’t curse the pump nor invest all of your emotions in the gas pump. That’d be stupid, but that’s what you’re encouraged to do.

    And you aren’t looking for a new destination, but if you end up finding a passenger to take along, it makes the trip more enjoyable… if more complicated for planning.

    Short-sighted Thinking is to invest “in the Moment!!1!1!!!” and not think ahead. We even praise spontaneity. However, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and overly investing a relationship will ruin a year for you. That being said, the basic thought process should always be on the practical: odds are nothing will come of *any random date or encounter*, so plan as such. Be open, but be thinking ahead.

  2. Pingback: Lightning Round – 2014/01/29 | Free Northerner

  3. Aquinas Dad says:

    Very similar to the advice I give my sons except I suggest this very similar pattern,
    “Let’s just be friends”
    “Sure, but can I get a favor from my friend?” [while smiling]
    “Uh, sure”
    “Please introduce me to your friends”
    Avoiding the question format

  4. @ Aquinas Dad

    Yeah, avoiding the question trap and just going with statements is much better.

  5. deti says:

    Guess it falls to me to be the naysayer.

    I don’t agree with this approach. I think that getting the rejection, then asking for her for introductions to her friends, comes off as supplication. I still think the best approach is to say. “OK” and simply walk away since further interaction will be quite awkward. There’s no need to increase the discomfort on either end. She is saying “LJBF” as a brushoff, as a way to reduce the extreme discomfort she feels in rejecting him. She doesn’t want to be his friend; it’s a face saving measure. Further interaction with such a woman is unnecessary and counterproductive.

    Remember: Christian women have the same attraction triggers as nonChristian women do. Christian women (in my experience) act pretty much like nonChristian women when it comes to mate selection, attraction and dating. YMMV, past performance does not guarantee future results, etc.

  6. @ Deti

    I didnt include this in the original OP, but it is indeed compliance testing her to see if she actually wants to be friends.

    If she declines then you know that she doesn’t really want to be your friend, and it is really just a face saving measure.

    This allows you to truly see if she is telling the truth, and hopefully improve your ability to filter for such women in the future.

    This is the reasoning behind the whole thing, aside from the fact that you may be able to get mutual benefits from someone who also wants to find a Christian spouse.

    Basically, I don’t see the downside to it.

  7. I have to agree with Deti. The only thing worse than the potential of a woman nuking you (even unintentionally) through rejection and it spreading throughout the group is giving her the impression that you need her help to meet girls besides herself. It seems desperate (comparable to a plain 33 year old woman making a facebook status about just wanting to settle down and have kids).

    A man is strong. A man is self-sufficient. A man does not let failure beat him down. A man makes a realistic appraisal of his situation. I keep on going back to the idea of what this woman would say when introducing you to her peers. It always plays thusly in my head, “Billy/Johnnie/Greg/Jack is a great guy, really nice. We were talking for a while about ……” Male to female translation, “This guy is blander than tofu. I passed on him and so should you.” You’d get better standing if she told her friends that you tossed a drink in her face and told her she looked fat.

    And yes, Deep is correct that it’s not all about getting the girl. We’re called to be Godly men. However, the operant word there is “men,” not punching-bags. We gain nothing from the “friendship” racket. Chances are, if you got friended, you’re either dealing with a genuine sadist who enjoys squashing balls beneath her heels, your mastery of masculine qualities like confidence and wit is not sufficient, or you’re shooting far further than you’re equipped to hit.

    I just can’t see anything to be gained from the play and the substantial risk of lessening your standing in front of other eligible women is too high. Better to bow-out with grace and aplomb, say “sure” in the most sardonic, dismissive, stifling-a-laugh tone you can muster (and, the tough part, really mean it), cocking an eyebrow and turning on your heel to get a cup of coffee or whatever snack is on the refreshment table that now seems infinitely more interesting to you than Miss I-can-totally-do-better. We’re not going to change churchianity by playing its game.

  8. @ The Karamazov Idea

    That would make this line of thought infinitely more beneficial if you’re already attractive.

    If you’re not then you may get a line like you mentioned: “Billy/Johnnie/Greg/Jack is a great guy, really nice. We were talking for a while about ……”

    Good food for thought.

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