I’ve talked about this before briefly in other posts, but it deserves its own post. Somewhat goes with Dalrock’s Hierarchy equals abuse, which is funny because i had this post typed up a few days ago.
The reason why complementarians are worse than egalitarians is that they both espouse equality between the sexes in marriage. In complementarism, the husband and wife always come together to discuss decisions (subtext: as some sort of equals) exactly like egalitarians. The only difference complementarians simply pay lip service to the husband as the authority/head in marriage as some sort of last resort “tie breaker.”
Complementarians try everything possible to make men and women equal, but at the end of the day they can’t ignore the plain text of Scripture regarding headship and submission. They begrudgingly give the husband a tie breaker vote, but only because the Bible said so.
At least the egalitarians are honest about their position. They believe, albeit wrongly, that husbands and wives are equal in marriage. Complementarians deceive and are deceived regarding the nature husband authority in marriage.
Egalitarians are overt feminists. Complementarians are disguised feminists.
Deception is worse than a blatant lie because the blatant lie is easier to pick out. Deception is when you think you know the truth, but in reality you don’t. That’s the scariest one because you don’t know you’re being led astray. It’s harder to pick out what is wrong when Truth is mixed with lies rather than just a straight forward lie.
edit: This is why the “tie breaker” argument does not work with egalitarians. It isn’t Scripture and lacks authoritative power. Egalitarians try to twist Ephesians 5 into what they want it to mean, but they ignore Colossian 3, Titus 2, 1 Peter 3, and 1 Cor 11 (“head of”). Every time they bring up Ephesians 5 just bring up the other verses instead.
Christianity and masculinity 
The evil liar you know is an evil liar. The blind fool works very hard to convince you that he is right and you’re wrong. And it’s much easier for them to sow doubt.
“At least the egalitarians are honest about their position. They believe, albeit wrongly, that husbands and wives are equal in marriage. Complementarians deceive and are deceived regarding the nature husband authority in marriage.”
I would disagree on this part. Egalitarians are dishonest, too. They claim to believe in equality but believe men should have the same responsibilities but the wife should have equal authority. This creates an unequal relationship.
The difference between egalitarians and complementarians is how they frame the issue. Egalitarians appeal to the Left, while complementarians try to sell the same product to the Right.
I was taught that the basis for the Complementarian view is that the sexes are different and can compliment one another. Than men and women aren’t equal in marriage, but equal in worth in God’s eyes, but they bring different strengths and weaknesses to the marriage. That can be seen in life and in the Bible.
@ The Question
Rephrasing: Egalitarians are honest about their position, but their position *is* dishonest.
My main point is that it’s easier to pick out the dishonesty of the egalitarians than the complementarians.
That’s very dangerous to any genuine Christian looking for answers.
@ ATL
The Scriptural view is what you said. In the Bible, this marriage is called “patriarchal” based on the examples of Abraham and so on. Biblical marriage = patriarchy.
Patriarchy has become a demonized term in our culture. Hence, most Christians want to avoid it since they hate being hated by culture.
If you read the links in the OP where I talked about Dalrock deconstructing “complementarian” philosophy, it’s based on mixing feminist views of power and control leading to abuse and trying to marry them to the Bible.
That’s how we know it’s false teaching.
It is confusing though, because the Complementarians are brothers who submit to Jesus, but their fruits on marriage is horrid. They are so discouraging and harmful to my marriage, yet really do care about me. It’s such a mess.
I don’t go to my coed small group anymore because the women rule it even though a man is only allowed to run it. They were going through 1 Cor 7 yesterday, and two people thought that some writings from Piper would be really useful and emailed links to everyone. Crossdressers all, yet brothers too. It just means they are more useful as a UMC social club than a church. I like UMC values and talk sometimes too, so there is some value there. But I just don’t expect it to be salt or light, and it seems they aren’t, even though it’s around 600 people and most people have heard of our pastor, Kevin DeYoung.
An example of not being able to go to brothers at church but receiving care from here and Dalrocks site is how few words I can use here and get understanding, but how many hours I would need from churchians. So yesterday my son cries for an hour because I’m not there when he gets up from his nap. Mom goes to work and acts like a baby saying to a 3.8 year old, “fine, I’ll leave since you don’t care.” That pretty toxic and so I make the decision to stay home today. She freaks, breaks a dish, and screams why can’t I be more helpful to her job because she would like help on Fridays. I said I have time for your day of training next ,Friday too, even if I take today off also. Not good enough for her, she says she will just all day today at her university office then. I’m leaving out tons of details, but she could’ve stayed home with us and joined us at the car exhibit at a nearby science museum. It’s my bday today too, nice. It’s all about them, always. I can see how they initiate divorce and kill children in their womb. And, the church weakly argues with me instead about needing to be a servant leader.
Deep Strength – Thanks for another thought provoking post. There is a lot of truth to what you said. A blatant lie is often less damaging than a carefully disguised lie, for the simple reason that it is easier to detect.
The reasonably well informed Christian knows better than to trust theological liberals. Unfortunately Christians are often deceived by those who pretend to be Biblically serious (or even delude themselves), yet still conform to the standards of our culture.
Complementarians seem like the theological equivalent of the “cuckservative” in politics. They are weak, and are always giving in, or giving up. They are also terrified of being labeled “patriarchal”.
The real problem, as I see it, is that the complementarians hijack the opposition to egalitarianism and present themselves as some sort of kinder and gentler patriarchy, all the while doing what egalitarians would desire to do, and that is to defame and do mischief to patriarchy. The complementarians are to patriarchy what John Boehner was to limited government – constitutional conservatism. Pretending to oppose the liberal advance, yet following in lock step like a shadow, albeit one step behind, till the enemy of the compromisors is the conservatives/patriarchy they ostensibly once represented.
@Art:
Because they are, though far more on the foolish scale rather the duplicitous scale.
It’s like a whole lot of issues. The Egalitarians show up and claim something, so the Complementarians arise as a response to make a better “argument” for the Lord. But their position was flawed from the start and they never understood the issue. They had already “lost the plot”, so their response was built on sand. That’s what we see as a result. (Classically, this is one of those points where we should be more “Christ-like”: which means never answering the question someone *asks* but the question they *mean*. Fluffing a group’s vanity long enough and they’ll never know what you’re pulling on them.)
We also saw the same thing happen with “Free Market Capitalism”. It’s not that the Free Market stuff was the perfect answer. It was simply the only “acceptable” alternative to Union-based Cronyism. Basically, 1978 Chryslers drove a desire for something that worked better, and the Free Market stuff was the only acceptable alternative. (Growing up in the era during the transition, I’m quite aware that no one else really talked about how Free Market stuff was going to work, but it just sounded so much better than having to buy terrible cars.)
@Jonadab:
Yup, that’s the effect. Though the people acting as a sea anchor honestly believe they’re upholding something. It’s a Rhetoric but “don’t look behind the curtain” effect.
Swanny River:
It’s no longer an uncanny feeling when I read about how another brother’s situation is similar to mine. But it’s still no less disconcerting, if not discouraging.
I thought a Reformation (Reformed?) Church would be vastly better than a Pentecostal one. Now that I am attending a Baptist Church with my wife, my experience in a co-ed small group is no different from yours. The women don’t run it but the pastor (who leads the group) does follow complementarian beliefs, contrary to the Bible. I’m edging very close to not attending it but only for the sake of my wife. Truth is… I am present in the group in body but in spirit, I’m somewhere else.
Like SnapperTrx in Dalrock’s latest post, the dilenma is not coming across as being rebellious (against … Necropolis authority) in front of my wife, given that women are pretty impressionable.
@Jonadab
I like this framing of the war.
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Wouldn’t it just be easier to wave off Ephesians? Few NT scholars think it’s Pauline. 1 Peter and 1 Cor are known to be authentic (or at least authentically first century in 1 Peter’s case).
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Let me see if I have this straight:
Egalitarians: Husbands and wives are the same and authority is shared.
Complementarians: Husbands and wives are different, and authority is shared (with the husband potentially holding an optional non-binding tie-breaker).
Bible: “Your desire shall be for your husband, but he shall rule over you” – Genesis 3:16 (“the other 3:16”)
What did I miss?
@ Wizard Prang
Headship-submission is marriage in the NT which is to emulate Christ and the Church. Don’t need to use Gen 3:16 which is often derided for being a ‘curse’ and which many Christians say we are not living under the ‘curse’ anymore (also false though.