Sex is not Marriage Final Thoughts

I’ve written many posts on this, but let’s sum up the evidence.

• Sex is not marriage in certain Biblical circumstances
• Moral agency and sex define a marriage
• Headship with Gentile and Genuine authority discernment
• Marriage marriage components
• Marriage

Genesis 2 – Marriage is not Just Sex

As a review, marriage in Genesis 2 is not simply “and they shall become one flesh.” We can see that God acts as the first Father to give Adam his wife Eve:

21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. 22 The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man.

23 “This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.”

Likewise, there is the aspect of separation and joining, and sex:

24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

The original marriage is a framework. It tells us important components of what a marriage, which are namely:

1. Father giving the daughter to the man — God giving Eve to Adam
2. Separating from family(s) — leaving father and mother [to make an independent family unit]
3. Coming together [to be with and live with] — joined to his wife
4. Having sex — becoming one flesh
5. In the presence of witnesses [traditionally with a wedding celebration] — in this case, Father/Jesus/Spirit and potentially angels.

Now, there are examples from the Scriptures where some of these components are missing, but ideally you want all of these to make up a marriage given our example from Genesis 2. Jesus celebrating with the wedding at Cana and His own marriage to His bride in Revelation 19 are obvious examples. Jesus and the Father also bear witness for themselves and others as Jesus indicates in the gospels.

Now, we can generally group the 5 above components into 3 categories.

1. Agreement of the Covenant — Father giving the daughter, separating from family to be an independent family unit, and coming to live together. 1-3 above.
2. Having sex — becoming one flesh
3. Witnesses — for proof, and also for celebration usually.

Theoretically, a husband and wife can be witnesses for each other in the sight of God. But the agreement of a marriage covenant and sex are required.

Why covenant agreement is a necessary part

All covenants in the Bible are composed of an agreement, blood, and witnesses. In the case of the Lord’s covenants with others such as Noah, Abraham, Jesus, and so on, the Lord is the witness. For instance, the Abrahamic covenant God starts with promising Abraham an heir before making the covenant.

Genesis 15:1 After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.” 2 But Abram said, “Sovereign Lord, what can you give me since I remain childless and the one who will inherit my estate is Eliezer of Damascus?” 3 And Abram said, “You have given me no children; so a servant in my household will be my heir.” 4 Then the word of the Lord came to him: “This man will not be your heir, but a son who is your own flesh and blood will be your heir.” 5 He took him outside and said, “Look up at the sky and count the stars—if indeed you can count them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring be.”

Genesis 15:6 Abram believed the Lord, and he credited it to him as righteousness. 7 He also said to him, “I am the Lord, who brought you out of Ur of the Chaldeans to give you this land to take possession of it.”8 But Abram said, “Sovereign Lord, how can I know that I will gain possession of it?”

9 So the Lord said to him, “Bring me a heifer, a goat and a ram, each three years old, along with a dove and a young pigeon.” 10 Abram brought all these to him, cut them in two and arranged the halves opposite each other; the birds, however, he did not cut in half. 11 Then birds of prey came down on the carcasses, but Abram drove them away.

12 As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him. 13 Then the Lord said to him, “Know for certain that for four hundred years your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own and that they will be enslaved and mistreated there. 14 But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions. 15 You, however, will go to your ancestors in peace and be buried at a good old age. 16 In the fourth generation your descendants will come back here, for the sin of the Amorites has not yet reached its full measure.”

17 When the sun had set and darkness had fallen, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch appeared and passed between the pieces. 18a On that day the Lord made a covenant with Abram

Verifying the covenant starts in v9.

• God establishes the covenant
• The blood sacrifice of animals
• The Lord bears witness

Noah, Jesus, and all other covenants follow the same pattern.

Other examples of marriage in Genesis

• Abraham goes to negotiate with his relatives.
• Abraham sends a servant to negotiate for Rebecca for Isaac.
• Jacob negotiates with Laban for himself.

The example of Abraham, Isaac, and Rebekah is oft touted as sex = marriage because “Isaac went into the tent and had sex with Rebekah, but this is clearly not the case from examining the context of the passage.

Genesis 24:50 Laban and Bethuel answered, “This is from the Lord; we can say nothing to you one way or the other. 51 Here is Rebekah; take her and go, and let her become the wife of your master’s son, as the Lord has directed.” 52 When Abraham’s servant heard what they said, he bowed down to the ground before the Lord. 53 Then the servant brought out gold and silver jewelry and articles of clothing and gave them to Rebekah; he also gave costly gifts to her brother and to her mother. 54 Then he and the men who were with him ate and drank and spent the night there. When they got up the next morning, he said, “Send me on my way to my master.” 55 But her brother and her mother replied, “Let the young woman remain with us ten days or so; then you may go.” 56 But he said to them, “Do not detain me, now that the Lord has granted success to my journey. Send me on my way so I may go to my master.”

57 Then they said, “Let’s call the young woman and ask her about it.” 58 So they called Rebekah and asked her, “Will you go with this man?” “I will go,” she said.

Both Laban and Bethuel agree to marriage, as well as Rebekah herself. Father and daughter agreement for marriage, which is consistent with Jewish tradition that the daughter can potentially reject suitors.

Genesis 24:62 Now Isaac had come from Beer Lahai Roi, for he was living in the Negev. 63 He went out to the field one evening to meditate, and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching. 64 Rebekah also looked up and saw Isaac. She got down from her camel 65 and asked the servant, “Who is that man in the field coming to meet us?” “He is my master,” the servant answered. So she took her veil and covered herself. 66 Then the servant told Isaac all he had done.

67 Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.

Isaac clearly agrees, and goes into the tent and consummates the marriage by having sex.

This clearly follows the pattern established in Genesis 2 of:

1. Father giving the daughter away
2. Separating from family
3. Isaac and Rebekah agreeing and coming together
4. Sex
5. Witnesses – her family and Abraham, the servant, and his family

This is just elementary stuff comparing the passages. The only way you can get sex = marriage is to cherry pick the singular verses.

Examples of sex not equaling marriage

In the recent posts, I detailed why sex is not marriage through other various examples.

• Prostitution was common such as the example of Tamar and Judah, the woman at the well (John 3 – 5 husbands but living with one who was not her husband), and other examples. It was sinful sex but not marriage to sleep with a prostitute.
• In the Law a father can say that his seduced daughter is not married if he sees that the man is not right for his daughter or his daughter did not make a wise decision.
• In a similar manner, a husband can also nullify his wife’s vows via not immature moral agency on her part

But you may ask, what about the example of being unevenly yoked in the Bible? Good question.

2 Corinthians 6:4 Do not be unevenly yoked with unbelievers; for what do righteousness and lawlessness share together, or what does light have in common with darkness? 15 Or what harmony does Christ have with Belial, or what does a believer share with an unbeliever? 16 Or what agreement does the temple of God have with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; just as God said, “I will dwell among them and walk among them; And I will be their God, and they shall be My people. 17 Therefore, come out from their midst and be separate,” says the Lord. “And do not touch what is unclean; And I will welcome you. 18 And I will be a father to you, And you shall be sons and daughters to Me,” Says the Lord Almighty.

Obviously, we do not want to be unevenly yoked with an unbeliever, but if it has already happened the marriage is sanctifying for the unbeliever if the unbeliever decides to live with the believer.

1 Corinthians 7:13 And if any woman has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not divorce her husband. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. 15 Yet if the unbelieving one is leaving, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us in peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

This also informs us about the one flesh verse.

1 Corinthians 6:15 Do you not know that your bodies are parts of Christ? Shall I then take away the parts of Christ and make them parts of a prostitute? Far from it! 16 Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, “The two shall become one flesh.” 17 But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him. 18 Flee sexual immorality. Every other sin that a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? 20 For you have been bought for a price: therefore glorify God in your body.

Paul makes the distinction of marriage from the one flesh.

• The one flesh union of the prostitute with the believer does not sanctify the prostitute like marriage of a Christian does with the unbeliever. Hence, the distinction between prostitution (porne like porneia in 1 Cor 6) and unbeliever (apistos – used in both 1 Cor 7 and 2 Cor 6).
• Obviously, you are not supposed to marry an unbeliever regardless, but at least they can be sanctified through the marriage. Those who do will have many troubles in marriage.
• The one flesh union is distinguished that it is supposed to only be in marriage like with the Lord (Father and Jesus) as with Jesus and Christians.

Regarding the second point, the intent of the one flesh union is only supposed to be in marriage. However, it is a mistake to think that means that it is the only component of marriage.

This is a syllogism fallacy. For instance:

1. Having sex with a prostitute is becoming one flesh
2. Becoming one flesh is marriage
3. Therefore, marriage is having sex with a prostitute.

#2 is an improper premise, when it has clearly been established in several different points above with numerous examples in the Scripture that marriage is not just formed with sex. It has the agreement component which is clearly established through the first several sections of this post.

It’s the same as saying something like:

1. All cows produce milk
2. Producing milk is something all mammals do
3. Therefore, all mammals are all cows.

This is clearly not the case. All cows are mammals, but that doesn’t mean that all mammals are cows. In the same way, Paul’s point is that sex with a prostitute can produce a one flesh union that is supposed to be only for marriage. You don’t want that. But that also doesn’t mean that the one flesh union is all of what constitutes marriage.

Joseph and Mary

Joseph and Mary are an interesting example in the Bible because of Jewish customs at the time.

Matthew 1:18 Now the birth of Jesus the Messiah was as follows: when His mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be pregnant by the Holy Spirit. 19 And her husband Joseph, since he was a righteous man and did not want to disgrace her, planned to send her away secretly.

We know that engagement between Joseph and Mary when Mary was found pregnant was a binding form of engagement which required an annulment at the time to break much like marriage. If sex = marriage, there is no reason that an annulment of the engagement is necessary because there was no marriage.

Jesus was directly against many of the additions to the Law of the Pharisees and mentioned them by name, but He distinctly does not discuss this case of Jewish customs supposedly adding to the Law. The likely reason for this is that covenants, including marriage, require both agreement and sex/blood.

Jesus New Covenant in His blood with Christians the Church is the analogy for husbands and wives

If all these examples for the agreement and sex as marriage and against sex = marriage are not enough, there is crystal clear example of Jesus and the Church.

• Jesus’ New Covenant in His blood is formed when Christians agree to believe in Jesus, repent of their sins, and follow Him.
• Ephesians 5 is clear on the analogy of Christ and the Church for husbands and wives: Christ:Church::husbands:wives.
• Hence, marriage is an binding moral agreement between Christ and a Christian (who make up the Church), much like husbands and wives need to agree to be married to live together and have sex.

The marriage of Christ and the Church is not formed by Jesus’ blood only (e.g. sex for marriage), but by the agreement of the Christian to follow Jesus and Jesus accepting that both with the individual Christian and the Church along with Jesus blood (e.g. sex for marriage).

Ephesians 1:11 In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, 12 in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. 13 And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

The Holy Spirit is given to us at engagement of the Covenant — the binding verbal agreement — and the marriage takes place in Revelation 19. Of course, one can engage in apostasy such as in Hebrew 6 and walk away or not obey like the Churches in Revelation 2-3 and have the lamp stands taken away.

Likewise, marriage is not determined by sex with a prostitute only. Nor is marriage determined by a man seducing a virgin without the father’s agreement. Nor is marriage determined by two horny teenagers “agreeing to be married” just so they can have sex. The moral maturity to form the covenant agreement is not there in the latter two examples, much like many “Christians” who say the sinner’s prayer without repenting and changing their life to actually follow Jesus are not part of the New Covenant in Jesus’ blood. The agreement is evidenced by the repentance and turning away from sin to follow Jesus.

Why is there still confusion?

It’s God intent that sex should only be in marriage, but that doesn’t mean sex is marriage. God created marriage from the beginning to be a covenant that is more than just sex just like the other forms of covenants in the Bible.

This is similar the is-ought fallacy where many pastors and Christians believe that godliness should be attractive, but it’s clear that godliness is not attractive except in the context of PSALM + masculinity traits. The same thing is true of marriage. Sex was intended for marriage, so sex ought to be synonymous with marriage is the fallacy. But like godliness, sex is not marriage without the covenant agreement, like godliness is only attractive in the context of the attractive traits.

If you believe still sex = marriage, that’s your prerogative but there a stronger argument against it from looking at the full context of the evidence presented in the Bible in my opinion.

Conclusions

Sex does not make a marriage. The marriage covenant, like all covenants in the Bible, is composed of:

1. The moral agency to make the agreement,
2. Blood or sex in the case of marriage,
3. Witnesses

To summarize the evidence:

• Genesis 2 follows the pattern above by not cherry picking the one flesh verse from the prior passage.
• The pattern of marriage in Genesis 2 continues for the rest of Genesis, the Law, and the New Testament.
• Other discrete examples of where sex is not marriage are in the case of prostitution, father refusal, moral immaturity such as two teenagers “agreeing to be married” to have sex, and others.
• The sex = marriage proponents take all of the “one flesh” verses out of context and exclude the evidence of Genesis, all covenants, and non-sex marriage examples.
• All other covenants follow the same pattern.
• Joseph and Mary had a binding engagement that required annulment when Mary was found pregnant
• The New Covenant between Jesus and Christians/Church is analogous with the marriage covenant of husbands and wives. Both of these require moral agency by agreement, blood/sex, and witnesses (God in the case of salvation, and other believers in the case of Baptism and Communion).
• The Holy Spirit is given as a sign of engagement/seal of promise to Christians to participate in the marriage of Christ.
• Confusion exists because of the is-ought fallacy. Much like many pastors and Christians believe that godliness should be attractive, but godliness is only attractive in the context of attractive traits like PSALM and masculinity. The Bible in Genesis 1-2 lays out why God created certain traits attractive to fulfill the commands of dominion. Similarly, we see in Genesis 2 that marriage is composed of more than just sex.

It’s fairly clear that sex is not marriage is most consistent with the evidence of the original Genesis 2 passage, covenants in the Bible, obvious exceptions, and such. To get to the other conclusion you must cherry pick Genesis 2 verses on marriage out of context and then read into that to pick other Bible verses out of context as well.

I don’t subscribe to the view that those who broken the Law in various forms or fashions should have been put to death under the law is simplifying the matter that they are now single via widows or widowers. If that was the case, then Joseph would not have been considered righteous for wanting to put Mary away quietly instead of obeying the Law and having her put to death. This is a complete rehash from the divorce posts on which I elaborated extensively on the case of Joseph and Mary, so I’m not going into that further.

If you still disagree you may post your best arguments on your own blog and post a link to it here.