I’ve been mulling this over for a while now since we discussing college and how for some women it can be helpful to build up the structure for her to be more of a helper whereas sexually promiscuous behavior and other similar behaviors become harmful to a relationship.
It has become apparent that one of the best probable ways to evaluate women in terms of how well they fit into your life if you are dating or in a relationship is if they are a helper or harmer.
Genesis 2:18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Proverbs 31:10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
Proverbs 21:9 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife,
Proverbs 21:19 It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman
In Paul’s analogy of marriage, Christ:Church::husbands:wives. Jesus specifically Commissions the disciples and His Church to continue to follow His mission to preach the gospel to the whole world and make disciples (Matthew 28). Hence, husbands’ role is love their wives for the purpose of sanctification to transform their wives be more like Christ just as Christ helped the disciples to be more like Him (Ephesians 5), and this continued transformation is supposed to bear fruit in preaching the gospel and discipleship.
First, though one must have a mission for a woman to help.
Then one can evaluate is a woman actively helping or harming the mission, marriage, and everything in between.
Second, it has often been stated on this blog that in the grand scheme of things we are to be excellent in all areas to be transformed. Love God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength is determined be our whole being, so in essence we’ve generally considered that to mean in all areas such as spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally, and others.
Now, instead of applying this schematic only to ourselves, we can use it to evaluate and judge whether a woman is being a helper or harmer in these specific areas. Not only to herself but also toward you.
- Is she a helper or harmer spiritually?
- Is she a helper or harmer physically?
- Is she a helper or harmer emotionally?
- Is she a helper or harmer mentally?
Is she contentious over your leadership in any of these particular areas? Is she actively helping or harming these areas in regard to you? Is she building up or is she tearing down?
I suspect that many Christian woman if they are actively following God that they generally know what they are supposed to be doing spiritually if they are not egalitarians. It’s pretty clear that headship-submission, love-respect, and other Biblical commands are pretty obvious if they try to look. However, as always if they are egalitarian or adhering to otherwise non-Biblical views that is out the window.
However, physically, emotionally, and mentally this is where women have become immersed in the waters of culture, feminism, and other nonsensical ideologies that they do not have a correct oriented understanding of what they should be doing Biblically. Even with Christians this is clear.
It’s very easy for women to be harmers of their man’s emotional and mental state. Most men and women are harming themselves and their potential relationships with their physical state.
This is in general why I tend to think of the fruit of the Spirit as a good proxy for a woman’s ability to help or harm her man. If they are truly trying to help, the fruit of the Spirit colors their actions to be kind, joyful, patient, and loving. If they are being of the world then it’s easy for the reverse to set in — mean, disrespectful, impatient, contentious, and more.
The Harmful abilities a man should try to correct via the imperative of Christ:Church::husbands:wives, but if in a dating scenario or relationship scenario where a woman won’t correct harmful behavior because she is too independent and don’t need no man or she does not respect your boundaries then that is at the very least an extreme yellow if not red flag.
You can use all of these areas to go through and assess not just your own life, but her own life, and the relationship between you two to see if she’s going to be a net Helper or net Harmer. Try to throw away the attraction blinders too.
Christianity and masculinity 
This is a very important area to consider and vet for.
I would add that additional areas which are important for a wife that does not harm her husband are; hospitality, and generosity.
A helpful Christian wife should be one that is willing to cook for and host others into their home. A wife that would be willing to cook for lost neighbors, help host a neighborhood Bible Study in their home, help be one of the host homes for a yearly Block Party, etc.
A helpful wife would also be one that is fine with giving money to needy people that are not close relatives. A wife that would be fine with giving generously of her time in doing good works for others.
I, and others, have found that just because a woman goes to church and proclaims she is a Christian does not mean she is willing to be hospitable and generous. I know 2 couples where the husband wanted to career change and be a pastor but the wife opposed the idea because she did not want to have the stress of being a Pastors wife.
Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for some women to turn from helper to harmer over the course of a marriage as their emotions and outlook on their husbands change.
@ feeriker
Yes, if husbands default from headship to harmless or helpless then wives can change on them. They can also be deluded themselves by the world and wolves in sheep’s clothing.
Takes both needing to continue to follow God’s plan.
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