The Change

It was about a year ago that I first heard about the Russian “maxim”:

To be a general’s wife, you have to marry a lieutenant

And I know that TempestTcup has blogged about it, but I think that’s the only person from the manosphere who has.

However, it’s not just women who are like this because men also fall into the same trap. We’re looking for the unicorn — the perfect women who seeks after God with all her heart, doesn’t have anything to do with feminism, is beautiful, never lusts after other men (but will somehow be wildly in love with us), was a virgin and chaste, etc.

This is why my “list” of what I look for in women has changed significantlly over the past year to things where I can see evidence of changes of God working in her life.

It’s important to be able to embrace the change: no one is perfect and no one will ever be. All Christians will be a work in progres, both in thought and in word and in deed.

Ephesians 4 (NASB)

20 But you did not learn [o]Christ in this way, 21 if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus, 22 that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old [p]self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, 23 and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and put on the new [q]self, which [r]in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.

With that in mind, what really are we looking for? Here’s my 6 major points from the article above.

  1. Evidence of a relationship with God
  2. Evidence of cultivated godly femininity
  3. Evidence of chastity in attitude and deed
  4. Evidence of attraction/chemistry
  5. Evidence of a willingness for family prioritization
  6. Evidence of a willingness to be led

The main thing I see with the above is that I shouldn’t be looking for a complete product with the above categories.

Yes, it’s great if a woman has been reading the Scriptures and praying everyday to learn more about God everyday since she was 2 until now. However, a woman showing that she has the commitment over many months or several years is looking to seek after God too.

Likewise, in a category such as “a willingness to be led” I’m not looking for a woman who capitulates to every demand that Christian men or women suggest. I’m looking for a woman who is able to take any type of constructive criticism — test it against Scriptures — and then if it fits then is able to learn from it and grow.

The biggest factor you look for in this equation is the “but”,

“Thank you for your feedback, BUT I do it like this because…”

The “but” always tells you about someone’s attitude in their willingness to learn and grow or if they’re set in their own ways because they think they know what is best.

Unfortunately, this principle does not exactly apply to a woman’s relationship with a man. There’s very few men who are willing to accept criticism from women because criticism from women is called nagging. You don’t understand what it is like to be a man. Indeed, no woman can teach a man how to be masculine. Likewise, if you go behind his back to talk to his friends about getting him to change that won’t go over well either.

Fortunately, God has the answers to this for you in 1 Peter 3 and 1 Corinthians 7 on unbelieving husbands. This is a hard path to walk for most women, even those with believing husbands. You may know what is right according to Scripture. You may even have good intentions in your heart. But you can’t change a man except through your submissive behavior and the power of God working in it. That’s why it’s so important that you choose a godly man who is seeking after God, and one who is willing to listen to his wife about his blind spots. That’s tough to find even in the Christian manosphere today.

My main point is this: Marriage is not the end of the journey but only the beginning of two as one. The only evidence of that is through fruit of actions. I should see that she is improving her heart, soul, mind, and strength for Christ just as I am.

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14 Responses to The Change

  1. rationalcalvinist says:

    Great article. Those six major points are good qualifiers.

  2. donalgraeme says:

    I wrote a post along these lines before as well.
    http://donalgraeme.wordpress.com/2013/10/21/some-assembly-required/

    Not the same, of course. Yours is better. But I’ve been thinking about it for a while.

  3. Obliterated says:

    Great post! Love all of them so far. I hope it’s not bad for a wife to send these and the other great blogs Donal and Chad are doing to her husband–Becausr I already have sent them! (Not over and over, just “Here are some great blogs some of my fave commenters on the manisphere have started up.”) I realized that that could be taken as me trying to teach him to be masculine…? I hope not. Anyway, keep it up!

  4. @ Obliterated

    Thanks!

    I think in many cases this is something that a husband and a wife have to work out together, even if they seem reluctant to talk about it.

    It may be uncomfortable to have a conversation on what leadership and submission mean and what love and respect mean in context of the Bible, but it is important in the long run.

    I know some men who want their wife to play a more active role in decision making and those who want to do everything themselves. It’s important as a wife to ask her husband how she can help him with his mission as well as telling him her thoughts about her strengths and weaknesses because he may not have considered some of them.

    As they say, communication is key, though in consideration of the God and the marriage and not just yourself.

  5. “We’re looking for the unicorn — the perfect women who seeks after God with all her heart, doesn’t have anything to do with feminism, is beautiful, never lusts after other men (but will somehow be wildly in love with us), was a virgin and chaste, etc.”
    Women like this aren’t unicorn. Trust me. There are very few of them, but they do exist.
    I do agree with your premise though that men, just like women, can get caught up looking for unicorns. The only disagreement I have is that the women you described doesn’t sound like a unicorn, rare, but certainly not a unicorn.
    I think what both Christian women and men should be looking for in a potential husband/wife is their desire to know God, study His word, and obey Him. Everything else will follow from there.

  6. Also, I’m not advocating that perfect women exist. There is no such thing as a perfect woman. All human beings are sinful. Just that your criteria, which is: seeks after God with all her heart, not a feminist, beautiful (except for this, that’s relative to preferences), chaste heart and body is not really all that unrealistic. I know 2-3 women that fit this.

  7. @ lovelyleblanc7

    It was an analogy. =P

    I can thrown in another 463 points onto the list to make it unicorn territory if you desire, haha.

  8. Sorry!
    463 points?! Nope, that’s OK! lol

  9. Lee Lee Bug says:

    @Deep Strength
    It may be uncomfortable to have a conversation on what leadership and submission mean and what love and respect mean in context of the Bible, but it is important in the long run.

    Yes. Yes. Yes. These words certainly mean different things to different people. For instance, I’m surprised that some men in these parts translate “submission” to mean that their wives and women in general are inferior to them. That’s not how my husband and I translate it.

    In our relationship, we discuss most issues with him making the final decisions. He does not see me as inferior to him and he recognizes that there are some areas where I might be stronger, for instance, the way I’m consistent when disciplining our children or the way I’m dedicated to my diet and exercise regimes.

    I respect him and he likewise treats me with respect. He loves me with agape love and I love him the same way. Why shouldn’t both husbands and wives love and respect one another?

  10. @ Lee Lee Bug

    “I respect him and he likewise treats me with respect. He loves me with agape love and I love him the same way. Why shouldn’t both husbands and wives love and respect one another?”

    Exactly, though the Bible points out that one is more important than the other in terms of a successful Biblical marriage. That’s where I would start first if couples are having marital struggles.

    Ideally, we should be all able to cultivate all of the virtues, fruits of the Spirit, beatitudes, etc in our lives both towards our spouses, family, friends, and non-Christians. Building relationships with God and men is what Christianity is about.

  11. Pingback: The Godly Masculinity Compendium | Donal Graeme

  12. Pingback: Evolving desires | Reflections on Christianity and the manosphere

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  14. Pingback: What I look for in evaluating a potential wife Part 2 | Reflections on Christianity and the manosphere

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