It was about a year ago that I first heard about the Russian “maxim”:
To be a general’s wife, you have to marry a lieutenant
And I know that TempestTcup has blogged about it, but I think that’s the only person from the manosphere who has.
However, it’s not just women who are like this because men also fall into the same trap. We’re looking for the unicorn — the perfect women who seeks after God with all her heart, doesn’t have anything to do with feminism, is beautiful, never lusts after other men (but will somehow be wildly in love with us), was a virgin and chaste, etc.
This is why my “list” of what I look for in women has changed significantlly over the past year to things where I can see evidence of changes of God working in her life.
It’s important to be able to embrace the change: no one is perfect and no one will ever be. All Christians will be a work in progres, both in thought and in word and in deed.
Ephesians 4 (NASB)
20 But you did not learn [o]Christ in this way, 21 if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus, 22 that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old [p]self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, 23 and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 24 and put on the new [q]self, which [r]in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.
With that in mind, what really are we looking for? Here’s my 6 major points from the article above.
- Evidence of a relationship with God
- Evidence of cultivated godly femininity
- Evidence of chastity in attitude and deed
- Evidence of attraction/chemistry
- Evidence of a willingness for family prioritization
- Evidence of a willingness to be led
The main thing I see with the above is that I shouldn’t be looking for a complete product with the above categories.
Yes, it’s great if a woman has been reading the Scriptures and praying everyday to learn more about God everyday since she was 2 until now. However, a woman showing that she has the commitment over many months or several years is looking to seek after God too.
Likewise, in a category such as “a willingness to be led” I’m not looking for a woman who capitulates to every demand that Christian men or women suggest. I’m looking for a woman who is able to take any type of constructive criticism — test it against Scriptures — and then if it fits then is able to learn from it and grow.
The biggest factor you look for in this equation is the “but”,
“Thank you for your feedback, BUT I do it like this because…”
The “but” always tells you about someone’s attitude in their willingness to learn and grow or if they’re set in their own ways because they think they know what is best.
Unfortunately, this principle does not exactly apply to a woman’s relationship with a man. There’s very few men who are willing to accept criticism from women because criticism from women is called nagging. You don’t understand what it is like to be a man. Indeed, no woman can teach a man how to be masculine. Likewise, if you go behind his back to talk to his friends about getting him to change that won’t go over well either.
Fortunately, God has the answers to this for you in 1 Peter 3 and 1 Corinthians 7 on unbelieving husbands. This is a hard path to walk for most women, even those with believing husbands. You may know what is right according to Scripture. You may even have good intentions in your heart. But you can’t change a man except through your submissive behavior and the power of God working in it. That’s why it’s so important that you choose a godly man who is seeking after God, and one who is willing to listen to his wife about his blind spots. That’s tough to find even in the Christian manosphere today.
My main point is this: Marriage is not the end of the journey but only the beginning of two as one. The only evidence of that is through fruit of actions. I should see that she is improving her heart, soul, mind, and strength for Christ just as I am.