Seriouslyserving in Dalrock’s post wants to know what women can do if they aren’t in the top 20% of attractiveness to find a husband. Although I’ve written on this before, this is worth a post and I want to expand on it a bit too.
That raises a question for me: what should a young woman, who is also in this 50-80% range, but not attracted to guys on the same “level”, do?
I mean, I certainly think sexual attraction is an important basis for marriage (not the only thing, but it’s up there). But if 80% of women are only attracted to the hottest 20% of men… well, that seems like not enough men to go around!
You can say that the women should improve themselves to be able to attract some of those more attractive men. And that might work well for individual women, but there will still not be enough men to go around. Or you could say that women should just accept marrying someone they are not super attracted to, but that seems like a poor foundation for a marriage?
Or perhaps people could take the latter option, with a view to doing what they can to increase the “sparks” once married…
1. Work on their attractiveness. The obvious: sleep, workout, nutrition, flattering and feminine clothes like skirts and dresses, long hair, skin care, light and fresh makeup if any, no tattoos, etc. Women need to be mindful and understand that men like young, beautiful, virgin women. There are few exceptions, and that’s how God created us to be.
In case you weren’t familiar with the objective OKCupid data:
2. Work on becoming more godly. The obvious: kindness, generosity, graciousness, fruits of the Spirit, dependent on God for most needs. Most men won’t appreciate a woman who is super emotionally clingy and dumps her problems on him if many can be resolved by herself. How a woman treats those closest to her and the least of these is a good indicator.
3. Work on skills that would complement their dream man: cooking, homemaker skills if she wants to be a stay at home mom, good at massages, or whatever else. Hobbies if she wants to find someone in a particular area.
4. Look for men that have strong potential. The old Russian maxim being if you want to be married to a general then marry the lieutenant. Specifically, men who show flashes of ambition and leadership qualities but may not have fully stepped into his own yet. These men typically won’t be snatched up by anyone yet as most women will be going after the few men with the whole package. Look for men who have written down goals and are working to achieve them.
If women are looking for the top 20% of men, then they’re going to be competing with all of the women who are likely more attractive and have good personalities too. Women need to be taught good discernment for what qualities of men they can see that have potential to grow into a strong, bold, confident leaders. Then they need to be taught to follow his lead, and be his biggest supporter and fan. That is the way women help foster a strong confident man.
5. I do not suggest women marry men they are not attracted to nor men do that for women. That’s recipe for failure. However, women’s attraction is a bit more fluid and tends to increase as a man becomes a stronger and more confident leader. Thus, finding a man with potential will generally be the best.
Frankly, there’s not enough attractive Christian men or women to go around so trying to fix the whole problem is useless. Do what you can with the few people that you mentor.
6. Then what I said earlier: Vet according to godliness first. Then when she finds a man that has potential or is a strong masculine leader she should be respectful, encouraging, and enthusiastic to him. She should be willing to commit and submit to him. Follow his lead.
Hence, my overall maxim of relationships:
- Attractiveness gets your foot in the door and allows you to enter into a relationship. Some more readily than others.
- Personality and attitude [and godliness] will make you a keeper so you don’t get kicked out.
These two short rules about how relationships work should be taught to all Christian men and women.
What parents can do
In general, if you are a Christian parent then you should be preparing your sons and daughters accordingly. Make sure you address the 3 elephants in the room.
Obviously, young Christian women tend to have their best shot at finding a Christian husband who they find attractive if they can land him when they are in the 20-25 year old range. This is approximately when men find women the most attractive. Hence, the women need to be told that during college and the years post college are important to snagging a husband above getting an education and career started if they want to have a family and kids.
Parents, specifically the father, should in my opinion be mentoring their sons in Christ as well as in teaching them about women. Indeed, it would be wise to have some type of coming of age ceremony around age 13 which is the age when most cultures around the world including the Jewish culture. From there you treat him as his own man with his own responsibilities.
This should and can be applied to both the son and daughters although it is more important for the sons. The sons need to learn responsibility for their actions at an early age and life skills so that they can mature into godly masculine men early. This gives them the best shot at approach college or the trades as attractive men that should have no trouble finding and picking out some of the more beautiful, chaste Christian women.
Basically, young men and young women need to be given information to allow them to be prepared for life, and be taught life skills much earlier in middle and high school. This will allow them to approach their late teens and early twenties with the full knowledge that although education and career are fine, if their goal is to eventually have a family they need to make it a priority over those things. Avoid the life scripts and focus on the Scriptures.
Kids need to be taught to…
- Take responsibility for your physical attractiveness including weight.
- Take responsibility to dress nice and classy rather than lazy.
- Take responsibility for searching out ministries on campus with young people interested in obeying Christ.
- Take responsibility for developing life skills to run a household, manage finances well, and work hard.
- Take responsibility to be disciplined to work toward their goals.
Don’t make them into idols, but don’t ignore them either. Otherwise, they might hit their late twenties and early thirties like most of us wondering why we never were able to build good relationships that led to marriage. Or women wondering why they were never or rarely asked out.