How long should one wait for marriage

A commenter writes in by e-mail:

I would like to preface this by saying I am quite young. Young enough that it will neither be possible or rational to get married in the immediate future.

I have heard from many of the men in my life, whom I respect, that the best way to get married is to finish high school, finish college, get your career started, and then finally begin looking for a wife in your late 20s early 30s. Basically to spend 10+ adult years living alone and completely celibate. I think you can see the disadvantages to this, such as women of quality being sparse at that age.

I have also heard some say that you should get married as young as possible. However, the problem with this is that marriage is a lifelong commitment, and people between the ages of 18-22 simply are not ready to make that decision.

Before I start in with any advice, it is important to recognize that this is the most common general life script that you will see out there. This life script comes from many difference places such as family, friends, relatives, church members, or others. I noted this in my 5 step process to maturity in relationships.

Based on my experience, I would not recommend operating by this life script. I went to graduate school and finished roughly around age 27 which is approximately the same time I found the manosphere and also started my search for a wife. It took me about 2-2.5 years, a large amount of godly and masculine development, and a very proactive search to find my current girlfriend and hopefully soon to be fiance. I would consider myself somewhat blessed in this area as I know many Christian men especially in the ‘sphere are still searching for a godly woman.

Now, that’s not to say I couldn’t find any godly women. However, meeting stringent standards for godliness while also other criteria selectively eliminates a large portion of the women that you would find in most Churches due to the prevalence of Churchianity.

On the flipside, women that are 18-22 like the commenter states are simply not ready for marriage either given the current state of parenting on relationships which is little to none for most people. However, one cannot deny that there is a higher likelihood of finding attractive young women on a university campus as opposed to out in the workforce simply due to proximity, higher metabolisms, higher percentages that workout, and hopefully less gluttony.

If I had to do it all over again this is what I would recommend if you are going the university route:

Ages 18-20 — focus on school, godly growth, working out, and joining your local Church and Christian clubs on campus. It’s possible that you will find a godly woman to grow together with at this point, but probably unlikely. Due to being “new” on campus it’s unlikely that you will have any sort of status or experience to which women are typically attracted. Thus, spend your time wisely focusing on the things that are important.

Ages 20-22 — continue focusing on school, internships, and graduation. Also, it is important to learn how to start to become a leader if you have not already. Due to your godly growth taking a leadership position, Bible study/small group leader, musical, or other type of position will help you learn how to apply your talents and become a godly leader, and it will be attractive to godly women if you’re looking for a wife.

Additionally, it’s at this time where you have a higher status due to being older and hopefully more experienced that it’s much easier to ask women out on dates and have them say yes. This is not to say that you shouldn’t in the earlier years, but the success rate should increase.

Ages 22-25 — Depending on the career path you chose you may be taking a job or going to graduate school. It doesn’t really matter which one.

Graduate school is the perfect time to find a wife if you haven’t already started cultivating a relationship in the age 20-22 range. Most programs are not super intensive so you still should have a decent amount of time free. Not as much as undergraduate but definitely more than if you were working a real job. This is where it is important to stay connected to a local Church with singles as well as leadership position(s) within Christian groups at the university.

If you are pursuing a career right out then I would look into if you can still volunteer as a leader in the undergraduate or graduate Christian groups on campus or in local Churches. Having been around several universities many of the former leaders tend to stick around for a few years helping to mentor and guide the new leaders as well as interact and help out with the groups. This obviously can double with being the graduated older and wise man to the women undergraduates inexperience which many women find attractive.

In my opinion, this is the key time find and develop a relationship at which to get married especially if you want a lot of children. I know men who married right after undergraduate at ages 21-23 whose marriages are still going strong, and I know some who have married in the 24-27 range who are doing well too. Ideally, this is what you want to aim for in my opinion as you will be able to have children younger and grow together into old age as a family.

You still have some pretty good options in regard to attractive, young women if you are looking strongly in the 20-25 year old range especially around a university. It’s likely that you will be able to find a woman who meets your criteria within 5 years.

Ages 26-29 — If you somehow don’t find a godly woman within the prior age time frames all is not lost. Women who are younger still go for men, but generally once you hit the 30 women in their younger twenties are a bit more wary of you looking at them for marriage. You may have to start adjusting the age of women you’re looking for up.

In the 28-29 range you’ll probably be looking for a woman who is 23-26ish years old. I’ve found that women around the same age at you at this point tend to be more on the desperate side of things or what the manosphere obviously terms as the approach of the impending wall coupled with baby rabies. In my search I was looking for a woman who was younger who was family and marriage focused. This is important because it is of her own free will and not because her looks may start to decline or she is having biological urges to have children. Those aren’t necessarily bad things, but it adds in complicating factors behind motives which are harder to suss out when you haven’t had much experience with them yet.

Generally speaking, if you started your search when 18 and strongly started searching when 20 years old if you make it to 29 without finding a godly woman who is interested in marriage and your other selection criteria then you may have been too strict. 10 years of solid searching should be more than enough to find what you’re looking for even if there  were very few attractive, Christian virgins like I tried to calculate a while back.

Remember that the key is not finding someone who is perfect. The key is to find someone who meets your main criteria but is also willing to be your follow. Relationships require growth and growth is mediated through strong leadership. If a woman is willing to follow your lead you can help her grow together with you and God.

Ages 30-39+ — I’m not exactly single and at this point, so I cannot offer any specific advice on what I would do. Based on what I’ve observed, if you are in this age group then it’s probably unlikely that you’re going to find a woman in her low 20s who wants to marry. If you do then it’s likely you’ll encounter heavy resistance from her family and friends due to a significant age gap. Thus, you may have to start adjusting the age of women you’re looking for up. It’s likely that early 30s you may be looking for women from 25-30 and late 30s you may be looking for women who are late 20s to early 30s.

The difficulty at this point is that most people are relatively set in their ways. Thus, finding someone who wants to learn and growth together is going to be much more difficult. However, there are some Christian women who make it to this point who are continually willing to be stay at home moms and sacrifice for a family.

It’s important to look for the selfless ones as opposed to those who are desperate for a family and children but still want to selfishly pursue career, extracurricular activities, or involvement with many different things. God, family, and community should be top priorities that you’re looking for.

If you marry in your 40s you’ll probably want to aim for an early 30s woman still so you have chances for a decent amount of children still. However, that’s still far away from me, and I have no experience with that other than observing a few marriages that are like this. The men tend to be early 40s and the women are early 30s.

This would be my advice to young men who are in their teens and early 20s. If you are older find out where you fit in and adjust accordingly.

Based on what I’ve said before I would aim for about 6-12 months to vet and get to known each other and families well, and then a 3-6 month engagement before marriage. This may vary due to life circumstances such as school, family, friends, and whatnot. However, this would be my general recommendation in order to facilitate preparation for marriage.

I find that people who have been in a relationship for 2-5+ years before they get married tend to be complacent and more often these relationship tend to end up in separation or divorce than more reasonable periods of dating/courtship and engagement. I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this, but I think it’s similar to cohabitation where you’re in this somewhat pseudo-commitment for a long while. Then you end up getting married just-because rather than pursuing oneness and family.

For my readers if they have additional advice or their own take on what young men should start to do for preparation and searching for godly women in marriage feel free to comment.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Godly mindset & lifestyle, Mission Framework and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to How long should one wait for marriage

  1. Pingback: How long should one wait for marriage | Manosphere.com

  2. Wizard Prang says:

    “…women that are 18-22 like the commenter states are simply not ready for marriage either given the current state of parenting on relationships which is little to none for most people.”

    Pure gold… but this says more about the state of parenting than biology. Women who have been properly raised should be eminently ready by this time, but the average 18-year-old woman has no wife skills at all, and most have no desire to learn. The contemporary script looks a lot like twelve-years-of-fun followed by where-have-all-the-good-men-gone, followed by annoyance, cynicism, bitterness, and cats.

    I believe that it was Socrates who said that the best age to marry is 37 for a man and 17 for a woman. For women, biology/fertility trumps everything, though I am pretty sure that the distaff side of the aisle doesn’t want to hear that…

  3. Alex says:

    When is the best age to start looking then?

  4. @ Alex

    If at university:

    Start looking: 18
    Seriously looking: 20-29

    Remember that the process from meeting her to marriage will generally take at least 1-2 years, and you’re getting a head start by starting the process in university.

  5. Wizard Prang says:

    @Alex (assuming that you are a guy!)

    Depends on what you are looking for. The larger a family you want to have, the younger she needs to be and the earlier you have to start. If you only want one or two, late twenties is not too late. If you don’t want to have children, the biology part is not so important, but it is generally true that as we get older we get more set in our ways and less willing to compromise.

    The best years of a woman’s life, IMHO, are 16-28. The best years of a man’s are 30-55. Time is therefore on your side in a way that it is not on her’s.

    There is nothing inherently wrong with a young woman marrying a much older man, but our society now expects women to seek men their own ages, and that is what you are up against more than anything else.

  6. an observer says:

    During my college years, women were intent on having fun, finishing studies, travel, career etc. Only one girl from the campus Christian group got engaged, in her last year. Sherpas shunned by her ‘friends’.

    Men in their twenties simply have little attraction currency. I don’t advise waiting, but sometimes it is either celibacy or marrying with caution flags. Too many of my friends ignored the caution flags and wound up divorced. They were mostly too nice, not assertive enough, and focussed too much on trying to please their wives.

    How long to wait? As long as it takes. Frivolous divorce is too common, and many Christians still give women a free pass to sin.

    A wife of an acquaintance recently committed adultery. Her penalty? She tookbthe children and moved out for a month. He has taken her back, he has no choice. The church and her family support her. He did not mistreat her, gamble, or neglect her. She chose to sin and suffers no censure.

    Sorry if this sounds negative, but it’s reality. This type of incident, where the wife has the threatening of divorce hanging over his head, is the reason why I caution Christian men to carefully consider marriage and the candidate. Their life is at stake.

  7. Wizard Prang says:

    Agreed. There has been a change in the church and the culture, best summed up as “woman-good-man-bad”, which makes marriage an expensive trap for men.

    The brutal truth is that most American women are simply not wife material; they are entitled, overstimulated and in some cases completely delusional about what they offer versus what they can expect. It it wasn’t so much fun, I would long ago have given up trying to talk sense into thirty-ish women who think that they are prize catches because their worthless educations and jobs make them oh-so-desirable to all men.

    A godly man will need to evaluate her medical history, her social media usage, and her fitness for marriage – all of which the typical Evangelical American Princess will balk at. He will also test her for respect, submission, and right thinking, and next her ruthlessly if she refuses or falls short of his requirements.

    At some point men have to stop being ashamed of wanting what they want and accept no substitute; a godly, submissive, modest woman who loves Jesus and shows that by submitting (shock horror!) to her husband’s leadership (in all things, not just when it’s convenient), dedicating her life to bringing value to his, and being the kind of woman who is so good and pleasant to be around that no man in his right mind will ever want to abandon her.

    I honestly don’t think they make ’em like that anymore.

    Fortunately for me, I have already got one.

  8. Looking Glass says:

    For a Man under Western marriage law, you assume all of the risk. That means you better make sure to eliminate as much of it as possible. (We’ll ignore that the marriage laws a pretty blatant 13th & 14th Amendment violations.)

  9. donalgraeme says:

    A lot of good commentary so far, plus good points made in the post. I want to add to something that Wizard said:

    A godly man will need to evaluate her medical history, her social media usage, and her fitness for marriage – all of which the typical Evangelical American Princess will balk at. He will also test her for respect, submission, and right thinking, and next her ruthlessly if she refuses or falls short of his requirements.

    We are in a spiritual war right now, and the sad truth is that many men are going to be casualties of that war. Many won’t have an option to marry well, and thus would be better off not marrying at all.

  10. Chris says:

    “I believe that it was Socrates who said that the best age to marry is 37 for a man and 17 for a woman.”

    37?! I think it’s safe to assume that he didn’t observe the Bible’s prescriptions for extramarital celibacy.

    That’s one of the reasons why we as Christian traditionalists might be better off marrying sooner rather than later, since our biological imperatives are typically peaking at an earlier age. But our culture has practically turned college education and career into idols and most people won’t think twice. For men, postponing marriage means increased likelihood of giving into temptation, and Feminism has given those men an alternative that might not prove to be any less harmful in the end.

  11. Yeah, I’ve heard the Socrates thing before. Of course, the men in Greece could always go to prostitutes to relieve their sex drive so it’s not even close to a good prescription for Christians.

    Here is the average age of marriage in the US.

    Men at 22-26 years old and women at about 20-22 on average is a very good range. If men and women were educated by their parents on relationships and real life during their teens it could be younger.

  12. Pingback: Lightning Round – 2015/12/09 | Free Northerner

  13. Pingback: Lightning Round – 2015/12/09 | Neoreactive

  14. Wizard Prang says:

    @donalgraeme,
    “We are in a spiritual war right now, and the sad truth is that many men are going to be casualties of that war. Many won’t have an option to marry well, and thus would be better off not marrying at all.”

    Throughout the animal kingdom, most males do not reproduce, while a small number of the most in-demand specimens mate with multiple females. I accept that monogamy is the only reason why that hasn’t happened here.

    @Chris,
    “37?! I think it’s safe to assume that he didn’t observe the Bible’s prescriptions for extramarital celibacy.”

    IIRC, in ancient Greek culture, most of the young able-bodied males were in the army and unable to marry while there. Since the man was expected to provide for and protect the woman, this may be partly responsible for the age difference.

  15. @ Wizard

    IIRC, in ancient Greek culture, most of the young able-bodied males were in the army and unable to marry while there. Since the man was expected to provide for and protect the woman, this may be partly responsible for the age difference.

    That didn’t stop them from prostitutes or spreading seed in a foreign land. The point being that there were “[sinful] outlets” for sexuality whereas there is none but marriage in Christianity.

  16. Wizard Prang says:

    My point was to explain the “unacceptable” age difference, not to infer that they were being well-behaved and/or moral.

    They were not, after all, Christians, and cannot be expected to live up to those standards..

  17. Robert says:

    I have a daughter who is graduating high school this year. We are very traditional Christians and we believe that marrying earlier is better. If there are any white Christian men who are looking for a traditional submissive wife e-mail me at robert_engr@yahoo.com

  18. Looking Glass says:

    I think Robert should have probably contacted the Blog owners to ask about this, I also find leaving a “normal” email openly seems a bad idea.

  19. @ LG

    I’ll leave it up unless he says otherwise.

    My other cautionary thought is I would be wary about someone posting it up to acquire personal details of the men.

  20. an observer says:

    Fortunately for me, I have already got one.

    They aren’t normally given away via email…

  21. Wizard Prang says:

    That’s the truth… you have to go to South America or some other place where women are still traditional, respectful and submissive and expect men to take charge.

  22. dvdivx says:

    If I had married my first girlfriend it would have been an epic disaster. Life lesson: If you love her but your parents and friends tell you she’s bad news she is in fact bad news. If her parents show up and she tells you to hide in the closet naked as opposed to getting dressed to meet them it’s not a good sign either.

  23. Wizard Prang says:

    “If you love her but your parents and friends tell you she’s bad news she is in fact bad news.”

    This is solid gold.

    If, on the other hand, they say “She is a good girl from a good family”, you can be confident that she is a keeper. They did. And she is.

  24. jack says:

    Honey, would you give up facebook to marry me?
    And can I personally delete your tinder and OKC accounts?

  25. Wizard Prang says:

    Whatever the answer, if she has accounts on all three, she’s probably not good marriage material. Hos and Housewives, and all that…

  26. I have corresponded with Robert for awhile. He is for real.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s