The selfish and unselfish socialization of men

Yesterday in the socialization of men and women, I discussed how many men know instinctively how to display masculine behavior to other men yet fail to do so with women. This is the behavior of “nice guys.”

Classic socialization behavior between the two sexes follows these two axioms which I listed in that post:

  1. The tendency of women’s socialization is to agree with each other and validate each other.
  2. The tendency of men’s socialization is to be critical, challenging, ribbing, teasing, and mock insulting of each other.

Today I’m going to be talking about the selfish and unselfish nature in which masculine behavior can be utilized. This is where the differences in “game” and “Christian masculinity” are in my opinion. Most of “game” in terms of the major secular manosphere sites tells men to act selfishly (see: dark triad and psychopathy) with their own self interests in mind. However, this masculine behavior like the above can be applied unselfishly with God’s interests in mind.

For example, if you tease a girl it’s very easy to change the subject to sex, but as a Christian you shouldn’t be doing that because of the temptations that may crop up in that line of thought. Likewise, it may be tempting to make everything about yourself and what you can get out of it, but that is also not what a Christian is called to do.

Instead, if you’re going to tease a girl, you should focus in on things that she can improve on to become a better Christian. Here’s some examples:

  1. If you see that she’s being rude or mean then rib her about it (“wow X, that wasn’t very nice”),
  2. If she’s talking too much you can tease her about it with the Scriptures (Interrupt her “Hold on… you should be quick to listen and slow to speak” with a huge grin),
  3. If she’s only half heartedly doing something then challenge her to do it better (“Whoa, what was that? You weren’t even trying. Put some more effort into it buttercup!” or if you want to put it into Scriptural context “Whoa, what are you doing?! I thought you were supposed to do everything as unto the Lord. What’s with this half hearted effort?,
  4. If she forgets to pray before a meal then say “hey, hold on a sec.” and she’s says “what?” And you give her a wink and say “You forgot to pray before your meal”, or
  5. If you catch women gossiping you can say “whoa girls… if you’re going to gossip you should at least give me the juicy details too”,
  6. Another example, in the past was one of the women told me “wow, I didn’t know you played the keyboard for church” and I replied “I’ve played it 5 to 6 times already…” She said “yeah, but this is the first time I’ve seen you play” and I teased her immediately “maybe if you come to church more often you would’ve seen me play more” with a big grin.

There’s many ways that men can give a woman a “hard time” by being critical, challenging, ribbing, teasing, and mock insulting in a way that can direct them back on track in a Christian manner. Women tend to be very good at taking hints, so even though she knows you’re teasing her there is some seriousness behind the words. This makes flirting fun between you and her, but also helps to keep her mind on the things of God which is what you would want to do if you were to date/court and eventually marry her.

Essentially, use your masculinity to challenge and tease her to seek after God first.

The expression of the fruit of the Spirit kindness (Greek: chrestotes) is critical in these types of interactions. If a man or woman knows that you have their best interests in mind they’ll be more willing to take criticism, challenges, teasing, ribbing and mock insults as healthy and to improve on it in the future.

On the other hand, if they sense you’re only looking out for yourself selfishly then they’re more likely to resent you for it even if they’re attracted. You can see the difference in that although women are attracted to the players, they still resent them in some fashion because they are selfish and they never care about her. It’s a love-hate relationship that is ultimately ruinous when they break up. Such is the difference between a player and a Christian masculine man.

The big reason of why I’ve been harping so much on delving deep into the Scriptures is that a man must have an excellent knowledge of them to grow in his relationship with God. However, if a man is to have a wife on his mission and looks to set an example in loving headship, great knowledge of the Scriptures also allows a man to direct criticism, challenges, ribbing, teasing, and other masculine behavior at women in order to facilitate growth in their relationships with God and others. This is what masculinity does in the context of a being a Christian.

We’re not out to game women for our own ends (selfish masculinity) but to become men who are focused on doing the things of God (unselfish masculinity). A helpmeet may be one of the gifts from God along the way.

It is masculinity that is spurs on men and women towards growth, and it is masculinity that is attractive to women. Masculinity can be used selfishly or unselfishly. The question is: will you grow into masculinity that God has designed you to and use it unselfishly or will you use it selfishly for your own ends?

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20 Responses to The selfish and unselfish socialization of men

  1. femininebutnotfeminist says:

    I have to admit, I was very skeptical about the last post because I misunderstood it to say a man should be as harsh with a woman as he would be with a man, but this post alleviated it. Good job! 🙂

  2. @ FBNF

    In general, women don’t understand what it is to be masculine or to be a man.

    And if they do, they can develop severe depression because of it:

  3. femininebutnotfeminist says:

    @ DS,

    Just now read that article…

    WOW am I so glad I’m a woman because I don’t know if I could handle being a man either (even if it does stink to be a woman sometimes)

  4. Ichaelma says:

    I absolutely love this post. Thank you.

  5. smilinghope says:

    Looooooooooved this post!!! Ah !! Perfection! Just like FBNF, I was also a bit bleeh after then other post!!! Ah but this one put everything in soooo nicely! 😀 what loooove this is!!! Always focused on the cross woop woop!!

  6. smilinghope says:

    Reblogged this on Praying Loving Living Striving and commented:
    I found this very interesting, and it jumped out to me the love of a husband for His wife, Always focused on pointing her to the cross, being the head of the family, not for your own selfish interests but to honor God in your marriage… just amazing 😀

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  10. theasdgamer says:

    “For example, if you tease a girl it’s very easy to change the subject to sex, but as a Christian you shouldn’t be doing that because of the temptations that may crop up in that line of thought.”

    So, if you’re thinking about marriage, I guess you should treat a girl as if she’s asexual. Good luck with that.

  11. @ theasdgamer

    So, if you’re thinking about marriage, I guess you should treat a girl as if she’s asexual. Good luck with that.

    No, the point is that if a man and a woman are attracted to each other then there will generally be an undercurrent of sexual tension in how they act to each other anyway.

    No need to exacerbate it further outside of marriage.

  12. theasdgamer says:

    How will a woman know that you’re attracted to her if you don’t sexualize the relationship somehow? Christian men need to understand that they can’t attract a woman if they pedestalize her. Hand-holding is minimal sexualization, of course. Kissing is more sexualization. If you’re not going to kiss before marriage, you will need to sexualize using convo.

    Some kind of sexualization is required in pursuing marriage. Sexualization is part of the fitness test. Men have to show willingness to accept risk. Teasing is also part of the fitness test, of course.

  13. @ theasdgamer

    Context is important.

    During dating/courtship/engagement, yes to a point.

    With just general interaction with brothers and sisters in Christ, no.

  14. Male-Female interaction post-puberty is always sexualized. All it takes is the ability to read her body language to see how things are going.

    I think this is the point where I invoke Ton and his point about Women getting wet over him doing Overhead Presses. It’s just a barbell lift (and one most everyone should be doing), yet it’s almost innately sexualized to a Woman, if you’re a Dominant Man.

    DS is threading the line between the current “Christian Nice Guy” problem of intentionally killing all attraction and the PUA-style of making everything about sex instantly. Attraction builds quite steadily on its own without explicit sexualization.

    It also serves the purpose of checking how much she’ll respect your position before the heavy chain of sexual tension takes hold. The Pair Bonding process has it’s own grip, so you actually want to hold it at bay until you can sort out her character.

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