Masculinity is the truth. Not the Truth, but the truth. The only masculinity that is the Truth is Jesus.
John 14:6 (NASB) Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.
Genesis 1:27 (NASB) God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.
(Note: there is feminine truth too as women are also created in the image of God though it is different because of creation. I may examine this later.)
- The tendency of women’s socialization is to agree with each other and validate each other.
- The tendency of men’s socialization is to be critical, challenging, ribbing, teasing, and mock insulting of each other.
What men’s socialization focuses on being critical, challenging, ribbing, teasing, and mock insulting of each other, but it is always based on the truth.
For example, when a man ribs another man about not approaching a woman calling him a coward he is exposing the truth of the situation. The man failed to act, and as another man we know that fear is something to be overcome. Overcoming challenges to be strong and courageous makes us into men.
Likewise, in the examples of teasing toward women I used there is truth evident: in the past was one of the women told me “wow, I didn’t know you played the keyboard for church” and I replied “I’ve played it 5 to 6 times already…” She said “yeah, but this is the first time I’ve seen you play” and I teased her immediately “maybe if you come to church more often you would’ve seen me play more” with a big grin.
I know that many Christian men read Heartiste, and there was a post a couple days ago on a list of “negs” that a woman unintentionally made. Here’s the first 6 from that list:
- You look really tired.
- Don’t take this the wrong way, but…
- You remind me of my mom.
- Are you on your period?
- Are you wearing that?
- You might be able to fit into this.
Although some of these aren’t exactly tactful or constructive, there is truth behind the statements if you’re saying that to a woman. You’re telling about what you perceive to be her current state through a declarative (tired, wrong way, remind me, fit in this), or you’re attempting to find the truth behind her behavior through a question (on your period, wearing that).
Unsurprisingly, if you looked at Jesus’ life you will see that He was a speaker of the Truth. He did not come to mince words or actions with the Pharisees but to do the Father’s will. This is why Jesus said let your yes be yes and your no be no. As Christian men we are supposed to speak the truth. That one of the essences of masculinity.
What happens often times with Christian nice guys is that when they’re asked an uncomfortable question from a girl such as “do you like me?” they often lie or obscure the truth. However, their actions say otherwise because they continue to hang around the girl like a lost puppy looking for a home.
What the players and PUAs call this is being “incongruent.” When you say what you don’t believe (e.g. you lie) or your words and actions don’t match up (e.g. you lie), then women become vastly unattracted to that. They instinctively understand that masculinity is truthful.
For example, take a used car salesman. His words and actions are veiled behind half truths and lies. That’s why they are universally disliked by male and females as scummy dirtbags. No one likes to feel like they’re conned into something. Likewise, take the common Christiain nice guy. He doesn’t act masculine because he veils the truth and acts passive aggressive. This is why Christians are disgusted with born again virgins. This is why the Christian manosphere is disgusted with the churchians. They say they’re serving God, but they’re not doing it in their words and actions. They are teaching lies. It is hypocrisy.
One of the other reasons why women are attracted to jerks and assholes even though they hate them is that these are men who are acting masculine. They are not afraid to say what they think or attempt to get what they want. They are truthful in what they say and want, although what they say and want are selfish and of the flesh. They may be lying at times, but since they have gotten good at lying it seems like they are telling the truth.
To be a masculine man around women you need to speak the truth in love.
Direct criticism in the way that you would say it to men (“Hey bro, stop being a [insert derogatory term here] and approach her”) is often too harsh for women. This is because women tend to communicate indirectly.
Thus, indirect criticism — teasing, light ribbing, and challenging — is the way you communicate the truth in love to women. This is one of the ways husbands can communicate the truth in love to their wives, and one of the ways all men should learn to communicate with women.
Unsurprisingly, when I teased the woman above about not seeing me play because she was not coming to church my relationship with her improved and she started coming to church more.
Take the example of Jesus with the woman at the well in John 4 (NASB):
7 There *came a woman of Samaria to draw water. Jesus *said to her, “Give Me a drink.” 8 For His disciples had gone away into the city to buy food. 9 Therefore the Samaritan woman *said to Him, “How is it that You, being a Jew, ask me for a drink since I am a Samaritan woman?” (For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.) 10 Jesus answered and said to her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water.” 11 She *said to Him, “[b]Sir, You have nothing to draw with and the well is deep; where then do You get that living water? 12 You are not greater than our father Jacob, are You, who gave us the well, and drank of it himself and his sons and his cattle?” 13 Jesus answered and said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; 14 but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”
15 The woman *said to Him, “[c]Sir, give me this water, so I will not be thirsty nor come all the way here to draw.” 16 He *said to her, “Go, call your husband and come here.” 17 The woman answered and said, “I have no husband.” Jesus *said to her, “You have correctly said, ‘I have no husband’; 18 for you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband; this you have said truly.” 19 The woman *said to Him, “[d]Sir, I perceive that You are a prophet. 20 Our fathers worshiped in this mountain, and you people say that in Jerusalem is the place where men ought to worship.” 21 Jesus *said to her, “Woman, believe Me, an hour is coming when neither in this mountain nor in Jerusalem will you worship the Father. 22 You worship what you do not know; we worship what we know, for salvation is from the Jews. 23 But an hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for such people the Father seeks to be His worshipers. 24 God is [e]spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.” 25 The woman *said to Him, “I know that Messiah is coming (He who is called Christ); when that One comes, He will declare all things to us.” 26 Jesus *said to her, “I who speak to you am He.”
Look at the indirect criticism that Jesus points out to the Samaritan woman. He doesn’t go to her and say “Repent sinner!” or “Oh wow, you don’t really have a husband but lots of men and you’re living in sin!” but rather says “this, you have said truly” and then guides her back on the correct path by indirectly talking about himself as a savior until she comes to that conclusion.
Additionally, you can even look at the initial stages of the interaction and imagine that Jesus was potentially flirting with this woman. I know there’s many interpretations of this Scripture that have suggested it (google it). Jesus presents an air of mystery to the woman about his intentions which causes her to seek and ask more. Mystifying a woman is one of the concepts that we explored in Understanding Attraction that makes a woman want to know more.
JoJ states here (on his revamped blog, check him out) that Game applied in a Christian manner (flirting/teasing/etc.) is for the short of it “stuff that will help make people respect you more.” While ultimately it does make women respect you more, I think it’s incomplete.
Flirting and teasing with women is an essential part of masculinity in that it is able to indirectly reveal the truth to women without being direct and harsh such that they will be closed off to God and you.
You can weild your masculinity in a godly manner by using flirting and teasing to spur women on towards righteousness like I explained in previous posts. Though, on the other hand, flirting and teasing applied in a poor manner such as to get a rise out of women or to bed them is using masculinity in an evil way.
A man’s godly masculinity is shown through this indirect criticism of flirting and teasing. It shows you that you care about her and are invested in her well being by revealing to her the truth of her words and actions. Especially if it’s used towards directing her back on the track to God.
You spur Christianmen on in righteousness when you use criticism, challenging, ribbing, teasing, and mock insulting to help them overcome their fears, to put them back on the right track, to encourage them to read Scriptures and pray more, coming to church, serving in the church, etc. Men can tell other men to man up through this. However, indirect communication with women through flirting and teasing is the way you would do it with women.
P.S. One other thing I would like to note about the silly answers in JoJ’s post above. Deflecting her criticism of your masculinity by giving silly answers is important because women cannot teach men how to be men. This is why women lose respect for men who take them seriously or lie to placate them. This will be the topic of another post.