Husbands win their wives with words

A couple days ago, I wrote about how wives will never win their husbands with words.

Understanding the Greek allows us to see insight into why wives cannot win their husbands with words. Any words come off as preaching or nagging, even when meant as encouragement or in good will. Thus, Paul through the inspiration of God in Scripture tells women that they should win their husbands through 8 different aspects folded into her behavior:

1. Without a Word (logos)
2. Submissive (hupotasso)
3. Chaste (hagnos)
4. Fear/reverence (phobos/phobeo)
5. Adornment (Kosmos)
6. Gentle (praus)
7. Quiet (hēsuchios)
8. Right / Good (Agathopoieō)

Now, let’s take a lesson from Ephesians 5 on how husbands are to win their wives.

Ephesians 5 (NASB)

25 Husbands, love (agapaō) your wives, just as Christ also loved (agapaō) the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify (hagiazō) her, having cleansed (katharizō) her by the washing (loutron) of water with the word (rhēma), 27 that He might present to Himself the church [q]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love (agapaō) their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves (agapaō) his own wife loves (agapaō) himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes (ektrephō) and cherishes (thalpō) it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined (proskollaō) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love (agapaō) his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she [r]respects her husband.

There’s a whole measure of concepts to unpack in these 9 verses.

Part 1 — Love (agapaō)

25 Husbands, love (agapaō) your wives, just as Christ also loved (agapaō) the church and gave Himself up for her,
[…]
28 So husbands ought also to love (agapaō) their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves (agapaō) his own wife loves (agapaō) himself;
[…]
33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love (agapaō) his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she [r]respects her husband.

G25 — ἀγαπάω — agapaō — ag-ap-ah’-o
Perhaps from ἄγαν agan (much; or compare [H5689]); to love (in a social or moral sense): – (be-) love (-ed). Compare G5368.

I’m sure most Christians have heard about agape love out the wazoo before. However, what most don’t realize is that there’s 3 distinct words for love in the Scriptures.

1. G25 — Agapao — Generally used a verb to describe action.
2. G26 — Agape — Generally used as a noun to describe the Love of God or a state of Love.
3. G27 — Agapetos — beloved (as in Jesus is God’s beloved son, or Christians are the beloved of God)

As you can see in the above verse, the verb form of love is used — agapao. Thus, husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church through some type of action.

But what type of action is it? What does this actually mean? Let’s find out in the next parts of the passage.

Part 2 — Sanctify (hagiazō) through Cleansing (katharizō) by Washing (loutron)

25 Husbands, love (agapaō) your wives, just as Christ also loved (agapaō) the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify (hagiazō) her, having cleansed (katharizō) her by the washing (loutron) of water with the word (rhēma), 27 that He might present to Himself the church [q]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

G37 — ἁγιάζω — hagiazō — hag-ee-ad’-zo
From G40; to make holy, that is, (ceremonially) purify or consecrate; (mentally) to venerate: – hallow, be holy, sanctify.

G2511 — καθαρίζω — katharizō — kath-ar-id’-zo
From G2513; to cleanse (literally or figuratively): – (make) clean (-se), purge, purify.

G3067 — λουτρόν — loutron — loo-tron’
From G3068; a bath, that is, (figuratively) baptism: – washing.

The analogy that Paul gives here is that husbands should love their wives as Christ does the Church to make her holy. This is part of the responsibility of headship — for the husband to submit to God so that God can move through him to sanctify his wife to be more Christ-like. This cleansing is to be performed through washing. The washing is figuratively a baptism.

I discussed Jesus’ baptism in my previous post on The Masculinity of Jesus Part 3 (baptism and temptation).

The actions of the husband are to be a baptism just as the baptism represents the death to self and washing away of sins, and reemerging in the newness of life in Christ. This is made clear in Romans 6:

What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? 2 May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it? 3 Or do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus have been baptized into His death? 4 Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life. 5 For if we have become [a]united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall also be [b]in the likeness of His resurrection, 6 knowing this, that our old [c]self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be [d]done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin; 7 for he who has died is [e]freed from sin.

So husbands are to love their wives to make this happen.

But what is the nature of this love?

Part 3 — Word (rhēma)

25 Husbands, love (agapaō) your wives, just as Christ also loved (agapaō) the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify (hagiazō) her, having cleansed (katharizō) her by the washing (loutron) of water with the word (rhēma), 27 that He might present to Himself the church [q]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

G4487 — ῥῆμα — rhēma — hray’-mah
From G4483; an utterance (individually, collectively or specifically); by implication a matter or topic (especially of narration, command or dispute); with a negative naught whatever: – + evil, + nothing, saying, word.

I discussed rhema in 4 past articles including Leave her better than how you found her, and To game or not to game. The relevant passage of what I wrote in to game or not to game is quoted below:

When I was looking at Scriptures there were two things that stood out. The Divine Expression or Jesus and His words which is Logos — John 1:1 in the beginning was the Word (Logos). You can think of Jesus and His fulfillment of the law with his teaching and actions as Logos. The all encompassing Scriptures themselves are referred to by either gramma (G1121 or graphe (G1124) (thanks to mdavid for the clarification). On the other hand, the spoken revelation of the Word is rhema.

Rhema is powerful — as God (Logos) spoke the world into being (Rhema), and man shall not live by bread alone but from every Word (rhema) that comes from the mouth of God. This is why it’s important to pray out loud because the spoken Rhema word is powerful. Likewise, to others it gives life and death. The power of the tongue is enormous as it says in James, yet it is easily corrupted. Going back to the passage from Matthew 12 that I referenced earlier: “But I say unto you, That every idle word (Rhema) that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.”

The goal of the leadership of the man in a Christian marriage is to spur his wife to have a deeper relationship with God. And it is through his Words (rhema) that he must speak life that washes and cleanses her as just as Christ does his Church.

As you can see through the analogy, husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church through sanctification and cleansing by washing of the water of the Rhema word. Thus, husbands win their wives through their speech.

Empirically, this agrees with the nature of fitness testing as I discussed in Christian masculinity, mindset, and fitness testing. When a woman fitness tests, she does through speech and she expects an answer. Thus, husbands must counter by understanding the truth. For example, if a wife is seeking validation and compliments, then a husband is not to validate her.

Fitness testing, in particular, comes in two different forms as I explained in Framework for Offense and Defense. A wife or woman will put a husband or man on the defensive with fitness tests.

Defensive (e.g. Fitness tests)

• (self) She does not respect you — This is where a woman abuses Christian nice guys for their time or accuses you of something. For example, accusations may involve “You look funny/ridiculous”, “Can you do X, Y, Z for me?”, “You’re not the jealous type are you?” etc[1]. Basically, if her behavior is out of line then call her on it.
• (her) She wants you to respect her — This is where a woman demands you respect her or wants you to validate her. For instance, “Do I look good in this dress?” Did I do a good job or what?” “Did you miss me?”, “You never listen to me”, “You never let me do X while other girlfriends can do it”, etc.[1]

“Passing” these fitness tests is Scriptural by the following passages:

• Defensive: She does not respect you (or others) — This nebulous as Christian women are not called to respect Christian men that aren’t their husbands. However, often these types of comments denote impropriety on the side of the man (“you’re not jealous are you?”) or are [harshly] judgmental without concern for correction (“why did you do that?”, “why would you wear something like that?”). This violates the Scripture’s clear teachings about edification and peace Rom 8:29, Rom 15,14, 1 Thes 5:11,14, Heb 3:13, 10:24-25, 1 Pet 4:10. See general body responsibilities here for more Scriptures on this. Likewise, Christian men can be abused for their time as I have discussed before because there are situations where men should not be involved with women who are not their wives because it is the woman’s husband’s or woman’s significant other’s responsibility. Additionally, Christian women are not to be teaching men (1 Tim 2:12), though the older women are called to teach the younger (Titus 2:3-5). Men are to teach men (Prov 27:17, Titus 2:6-8).
• Defensive: She wants you to respect her — The Scriptures state to love your wives (Eph 25-31), be considerate (1 Peter 3:7), do not be harsh (Col 3:19), etc. but not respect wives. Indeed, as we have seen repeatedly respecting wives is not what they need to be loved.

Husbands love their wives as Christ loved the Church by quelling her rebellion with spoken word. This is one of the more difficult thing for Christian husbands to learn.

I will discuss this a bit more in the conclusion after we analyze the rest of this passage.

Part 4 — Nourishes (ektrephō) and Cherishes (thalpō)

28 So husbands ought also to love (agapaō) their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves (agapaō) his own wife loves (agapaō) himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes (ektrephō) and cherishes (thalpō) it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body.

G1625 — ἐκτρέφω — ektrephō — ek-tref’-o
From G1537 and G5142; to rear up to maturity, that is, (generally) to cherish or train: – bring up, nourish.

G2282 — θάλπω — thalpō — thal’-po
Probably akin to θάλλω thallō (to warm); to brood, that is, (figuratively) to foster: – cherish.

Nourish (ektrepho) is only used in the Scripture in one other passage.

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up (ektrephō) in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Likewise, cherish (thalpo) is only used one other time in the Scriptures.

1 Thessalonians 2:4 but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who [d]examines our hearts. 5 For we never came [e]with flattering speech, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed—God is witness— 6 nor did we seek glory from men, either from you or from others, even though as apostles of Christ [f]we might have [g]asserted our authority. 7 But we [h]proved to be [i]gentle [j]among you, as a nursing mother [k]tenderly cares (thalpō) for her own children. 8 Having so fond an affection for you, we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God but also our own [l]lives, because you had become [m]very dear to us.

In these verses, two interesting parallels are made.

In “game” there is an analogy that men are to set boundaries for woman like a child. Perhaps it is not ironic that a man is to nourish himself (his own body) as he would a child, and that he is to nourish his wife (being that they are one flesh) as if she were a child, and that he is to nourish his children.

This fits the characterization of Christians in the New Testament as children of God. And it is the duty of the headship position in marriage — which falls on the husband — to provide this nourishment to himself, his wife, and his children as if they were all children of God. This duty is immense as Jesus states that it is better for a man to have a millstone hung around his neck and be thrown into the sea than to cause a child to stumble.

In the same way, the tender care of the husband’s own body, as to his wife (one flesh), is again fit to an analogy of a nurse tenderly feeding her children.

This is where I see the fruits of the Spirit externally exemplified to others. In Masculinity, mastery, the internal and the external, I discussed the internal and external characteristics of the fruits of the Spirit:

• Internal (6) — Joy, Peace, Patience/Longsuffering, Faithfulness, Chastity, Self Control
• External (6)– Charity/Love, Kindness, Goodness, Generosity, Gentleness, Modesty

Specifically, the external characteristics are in two different groups:

• Actions — Charity/Love to others, Generosity to others, and Modesty for others.
• Performance of actions — Kindness, Goodness, and Gentleness/humility

To nourish and cherish one must do it through charity, generosity, and modesty and in those actions they should be performed with kindness, goodness, and humility.

Part 5 — Joined (proskollaō)

31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined (proskollaō) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love (agapaō) his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she [r]respects her husband.

G4347 — προσκολλάω — proskollaō — pros-kol-lay’-o
From G4314 and G2853; to glue to, that is, (figuratively) to adhere: – cleave, join (self).

The Hebrew in Genesis 2 is remarkably consistent with the Greek used here. The understanding of one flesh is that the two are joined or cleaved together.

However, the Hebrew word for joined or cleave actually explains why men are the pursuers whereas women are the pursued in the relationship.

H1692 — dâbaq — daw-bak’
A primitive root; properly to impinge, that is, cling or adhere; figuratively to catch by pursuit: – abide, fast, cleave (fast together), follow close (hard, after), be joined (together), keep (fast), overtake, pursue hard, stick, take.

The important point to note in the passage is the joining of the two to one flesh just as Christ is to the Church. This is performed through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, and yet also Jesus is there when two are more are gathered in His name.

In Ecclesiates, Solomon unwittingly speaks an analogy to marriage in the chapter on the evils of oppression.

Ecclesiastes 4:9 Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. 10 For if [c]either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not [d]another to lift him up. 11 Furthermore, if two lie down together they [e]keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? 12 And if [f]one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.

You can see how this refers directly to marriage. Indeed, a cord of three strands made by the husband, the wife, and Jesus is not easily torn apart.

Conclusion

The major thing that stood out to me in this passage is the Truth of the Scriptures.

Most people know that the preferred communication style of women is through words, while the preferred communcation style of men is through actions.

Ultimately, the Scriptures speak to husbands in Ephesians 5 to love their wives through the preferred communication style of women — words.

On the other hand, the passage in 1 Peter 3 speak to wives to communicate respect to men through the preferred communication style of men — actions.

Indeed, husbands doing more things for their wives to curry their favor absolutely does not work. This is shown time and time again where a couple goes to counseling and it results in a man helping out more around the house, with the chores, with the kids, and with whatever else. But it does not fix the relationship and sends it onto the course of divorce.

This is why Scripture should never be called outdated, and woe to those Christians that speak those lies (Isaiah 5:20). The Scriptures speak Truths consistent from the creation of the world to this day and into the future until the heavens and earth pass away.

Matthew 5:17 “Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill. 18 For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not [h]the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished. 19 Whoever then annuls one of the least of these commandments, and teaches [i]others to do the same, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but whoever [j]keeps and teaches them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 24:32 “Now learn the parable from the fig tree: when its branch has already become tender and puts forth its leaves, you know that summer is near; 33 so, you too, when you see all these things, [u]recognize that [v]He is near, right at the [w]door. 34 Truly I say to you, this [x]generation will not pass away until all these things take place. 35 Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away.

Now, this is not to say that men and women are to only speak words and do actions respectively, but it is important part of marriage to communicate to each other in the preferred style of the other spouse.

For men, the conclusion is that they should start to address a wife’s rebellion (which she will show using fitness tests) through speaking the Truth in Love.

The specifics of how a man is address these issues with his words is outlined fairly well in this 4 part series:

1. The Socialization of men and women
2. The selfish and unselfish socialization of men
3. Masculinity is the truth
4. Masculinity is the truth Part 2

The way to speak the truth in love to women is to communicate indirect truth to her and to never to validate her. You can see how Jesus does this to the Syrophoenician woman in Mark 7. Likewise, how Jesus addresses his mother when He stayed behind at thet temple. In the next few posts, I will explore how Jesus addresses His mother again with His interaction with her in the marriage at Cana.

The hard part for Christian husbands to see is the subtle difference between leadership and submission.

If a wife is telling a husband what to do that means she is control the interaction. The correct way to fix this is to set boundaries for her to respect you. Likewise, if a woman is fishing for a compliment, then she is in control of the interaction. This is why you never validate her. If you give in to her and do what she wants, then you are submitting to her whims and not being the head in the relationship. It is proper and godly for a husband to call out this rebellion of the wife with his words — call her out for being rude, or for fishing for compliments, or other unchaste or immoral behavior.

Figuratively, this cleansing (or baptism) through the Spirit working in the husband to call a wife out on behavior is performed in order to expose rebellion or sin and call her to repentance. This is what is meant by masculinity is the truth. The truth must be spoken into a particular situation in order be a revelation of God in her life. When Holy Spirit can speak through the husband, the husband is able to point her to the Way, the Truth, and the Life who is Jesus.

We can see an instance of this rebellion and Adam’s failure to call Eve out from it in Genesis 3 (NASB):

6 When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate.
[…]
10 [Adam] said, “I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself.” 11 And He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” 12 The man said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate.”

The sin of Eve was rebellion in action, and it is fitting that how wives return to respect and submission is through behavior in action.

The sin of Adam was failure to call out rebellion, and it is fitting that how husbands return to headship is through their words.

Thus, husbands must be vigilant to the position that God has called him in marriage, and it will draw both the husband and his wife closer to God. Not to mention it will make her more attracted to him as he is able to set proper boundaries and be a man who is respected.

Important note: Women are called to respect their husbands REGARDLESS of if her husband is one who can be respected. The Scriptures call women to respect and submit to the position of headship. Likewise, husbands are called to be loving, considerate, and not be embittered to their wives irrespective of if she is unsubmissive and disrepectful. Even if the husband is a horrible, meanie, nincompoop unbeliever, God may use the respect and submission of the wife to win the husband. Likewise, vice versa the husband to the wife who is not in submission and disrespectful.